I'm lost

I am feeling very lost in life right now.  I feel pulled in different directions and I can't seem to figure out what to do next.  
But I am lucky.   I have a great job that I like and pays the bills.  Do I wish I made more money?   Sure, but the fact that I like my job and all the random components of it means more.  
I love my husband but can't live the life I want with him.   I could live a different life but would that be enough?   Should I give up?  I don't think so.
So here is my plan. Save money for divorce costs.  This includes a lawyer and money to support him for 6 months while we process the divorce.   I don't need all the money before I start but I will need a big chunk to start the process. 
I am thinking that moving into a smaller apartment should be one step that way I can keep him in it.  It would have to be cheaper than what I rent now which will save money.
I keep saying I need to save money but the truth is I do save but then something happens to the car and sucks up all that money.   So getting the car set for a good 6 months is another priority.   The car doesn't have a lot of time left.  
Again everything is so integrated into money.   So first things first, keep saving money.  Figure out an order for shit to happen and get it done.   Expect roadblocks and deal with them as they happen.  

Holy shit

A woman killed herself last week.   She had been a patient at the hospital I work in.   I should not be especially shocked,  I mean I work in a psychiatrist hospital after all.  I was aware that someone recently discharged had overdosed and felt horrible for the family.   I mean your relative is discharged from the hospital you would think they were in a stable mind set.   But life doesn't always make sense.   Yesterday a nurse mentioned what the young lady took and how much.   It made my legs weak.  She overdosed on the medication my husband has been over taking.   It was a number I could imagine him taking.  
That cleared my thoughts up quickly.   He is definitely a danger to himself.  I must do something, I can't just sit by and watch this happen.

Plan

Okay,  after thinking about what is going on I have been trying to figure out a plan.   I could/should have brought him to the hospital a few times by now but haven't for various reasons all of which is moot at this point.   I have to do something.   So this weekend I have one day off and if he continues on this path I will get him to the hospital.   That is the easy part.   If he does need inpatient care finding a place will be bothersome.   I can take him to the hospital with a psy unit but if they are full the next option is the hospital I work at which can't happen.   There are other options and I am preparing myself for all possibilities.  
So there is.
If need be I will be taking my husband to the hospital.   No more waiting or telling myself it's all okay anymore.   It's really just one of the steps I need to do.   One step at a time.

OD

So I just woke up for work,  actually my husband woke me up, to run to the store to get him tobacco.   I came back from the store and looked around the kitchen.   I then realize that he had 40 oz of beer and about 50 Benedryl while I slept.   Benedryl pills have 25mg of diphenhydramine in them. 
I think my next day off I am going to have to bring him to the hospital,  this is getting ridiculous.   If he repeats this behavior I have to.  This could end up really bad.

Trying to figure shit out.

I am fed up with myself at this point.   I don't want to do anything.   I was getting so bad that I am back to taking caffeine pills and another medication just to function.   It's completely working;  I have energy,  I don't need to sleep 10 hours,  waking up is easy and I can function how a normal person would.   Problem is that I know I shouldn't be taking this combination.   It's completely legal, but I should wait and see if my new prescription would work.   But I couldn't stand it any longer.   I normally build up a tolerance after a month or so and stop so when I stop hopefully it will be right as my new medication kicks in. 
Seriously, I can justify anything if I try.  
But really I just couldn't stay how I was. 

Still not feeling right

It's been a long time since I have actually blogged because I have been in such a funk.  I turned 33.  I am stuck in a marriage to a man I love,  who can't live the type of life I want to live.   My depression is kicking my ass lately.   I saw the therapist that prescribes my meds and she added a new med.  I went to the appointment looking how I felt.  Like shit.  I have been with her since 2005 so she could tell I wasn't right or even near it.  We also did blood work and looks like my thyroid is not be having so I made an appointment with my regular medical doctor to review and do some follow up testing.   Odd that an under active thyroid shows some of the same symptoms as depression. 
I can't even finish this post I am lost in my head.