I'm lost

I am feeling very lost in life right now.  I feel pulled in different directions and I can't seem to figure out what to do next.  
But I am lucky.   I have a great job that I like and pays the bills.  Do I wish I made more money?   Sure, but the fact that I like my job and all the random components of it means more.  
I love my husband but can't live the life I want with him.   I could live a different life but would that be enough?   Should I give up?  I don't think so.
So here is my plan. Save money for divorce costs.  This includes a lawyer and money to support him for 6 months while we process the divorce.   I don't need all the money before I start but I will need a big chunk to start the process. 
I am thinking that moving into a smaller apartment should be one step that way I can keep him in it.  It would have to be cheaper than what I rent now which will save money.
I keep saying I need to save money but the truth is I do save but then something happens to the car and sucks up all that money.   So getting the car set for a good 6 months is another priority.   The car doesn't have a lot of time left.  
Again everything is so integrated into money.   So first things first, keep saving money.  Figure out an order for shit to happen and get it done.   Expect roadblocks and deal with them as they happen.  

Holy shit

A woman killed herself last week.   She had been a patient at the hospital I work in.   I should not be especially shocked,  I mean I work in a psychiatrist hospital after all.  I was aware that someone recently discharged had overdosed and felt horrible for the family.   I mean your relative is discharged from the hospital you would think they were in a stable mind set.   But life doesn't always make sense.   Yesterday a nurse mentioned what the young lady took and how much.   It made my legs weak.  She overdosed on the medication my husband has been over taking.   It was a number I could imagine him taking.  
That cleared my thoughts up quickly.   He is definitely a danger to himself.  I must do something, I can't just sit by and watch this happen.

Plan

Okay,  after thinking about what is going on I have been trying to figure out a plan.   I could/should have brought him to the hospital a few times by now but haven't for various reasons all of which is moot at this point.   I have to do something.   So this weekend I have one day off and if he continues on this path I will get him to the hospital.   That is the easy part.   If he does need inpatient care finding a place will be bothersome.   I can take him to the hospital with a psy unit but if they are full the next option is the hospital I work at which can't happen.   There are other options and I am preparing myself for all possibilities.  
So there is.
If need be I will be taking my husband to the hospital.   No more waiting or telling myself it's all okay anymore.   It's really just one of the steps I need to do.   One step at a time.

OD

So I just woke up for work,  actually my husband woke me up, to run to the store to get him tobacco.   I came back from the store and looked around the kitchen.   I then realize that he had 40 oz of beer and about 50 Benedryl while I slept.   Benedryl pills have 25mg of diphenhydramine in them. 
I think my next day off I am going to have to bring him to the hospital,  this is getting ridiculous.   If he repeats this behavior I have to.  This could end up really bad.

Trying to figure shit out.

I am fed up with myself at this point.   I don't want to do anything.   I was getting so bad that I am back to taking caffeine pills and another medication just to function.   It's completely working;  I have energy,  I don't need to sleep 10 hours,  waking up is easy and I can function how a normal person would.   Problem is that I know I shouldn't be taking this combination.   It's completely legal, but I should wait and see if my new prescription would work.   But I couldn't stand it any longer.   I normally build up a tolerance after a month or so and stop so when I stop hopefully it will be right as my new medication kicks in. 
Seriously, I can justify anything if I try.  
But really I just couldn't stay how I was. 

Still not feeling right

It's been a long time since I have actually blogged because I have been in such a funk.  I turned 33.  I am stuck in a marriage to a man I love,  who can't live the type of life I want to live.   My depression is kicking my ass lately.   I saw the therapist that prescribes my meds and she added a new med.  I went to the appointment looking how I felt.  Like shit.  I have been with her since 2005 so she could tell I wasn't right or even near it.  We also did blood work and looks like my thyroid is not be having so I made an appointment with my regular medical doctor to review and do some follow up testing.   Odd that an under active thyroid shows some of the same symptoms as depression. 
I can't even finish this post I am lost in my head.

I am about to go to sleep.  I have prepared everything I need to have to keep my focus this week.   I must focus on my health.

Tired

I feel like I could sleep for two days right now.  I am just worn out.   It doesn't help that after work I was only able to sleep for four hours.  I am working tonight as overtime as a technician instead of admissions which theoretically should be easy and relaxing.   But that is only in theory.  For all I know all hell could break loose.  
Life continues to be crazy.   It's actually not been too horrible which makes planning to leave him harder.   He is trying but it is still not something I can continue with.  He can't stay on top of doing laundry,  dishes, and taking care of the animals but thinks having a baby is a great idea.  Umm, NO.  The thing is I know I want children.   I don't have to be a bio mom or anything, that has never been an issue with me.   I just want a child.   I can't do that with him. 
My goal for next week is to find a lawyer.   I have to figure out a time line for everything to happen.  I am going to have to figure out where I will live while all of this is happening.   The tentative plan is to have us move into a smaller apartment and then serve him the papers.  It should then take a minimum of six months for it to be finalized.  During that time we can't live together but I have to support him.  That is what I found out when I had a conversation with a lawyer through the Womens resource center.   Awesome.   So I have to hire myself a lawyer and support him for 6 months.   I might end up staying in my parents house but they don't have a spare bedroom and are allergic to my dog.  So i need to figure that out too.

For Ruby

As I read one of your posts this popped in my head.

June 2014

Kitty inspired me to actually set some goals for the month and I am very glad.   I don't want to drift through my life. I realized a few days ago how set in my ways I get.  I wrote this to a friend.

Last year at this time the job I have now was created.   A few people asked if I was going to apply.  I said no because of fear.  The person they hired lasted a few months before being demoted.   I applied, got it and love it.  I said no for no good reason.

I was explaining that I don't want "no" to be my default answer any more.   So between that revelation and the fact that I have setup appointments to figure out what to do about my marriage it is time to get my shit together.
I have another meeting at the Womens resource center to consult with a lawyer about what I will have to do.   I know I will need a decent amount of money to set up a real exit plan.   Knowing how much will be helpful.  I cashed in some of my vacation time and I should be getting that check at the end of this week.   That is my divorce fund.  God that is such a depressing concept.  
So my goal for this month is to figure out how I need to proceed with the divorce.   My plan is to set up the divorce Katie Holmes style.   Have everything ready to go and spring it on him.  It is the safest way to do it even though I feel like it is the meanest thing I could think of doing to him.   I am scared of how he will react.  I can think of a few ways he could respond and none of them are good.   There is no nice way to do this.  
My other goal is to socialize more.  I want to actually hang out with people and have real interactions.   My goal is to do something each week.   This week was an adoption event for the rescue and I am going to do a "class" for my nieces girl scout like group on fruit.  Next week I have a dinner with some people from work and I am going to do a self defense class with some women from the rescue and I invited some ladies from work too.  Just typing that made me happy.  

Feeling reality

Fuck I didn't save my post as I wrote it and now it's gone.  Maybe that is the universe making me really examine my feelings and reality which I have been trying to avoid.
I had written about my super power.   See I can just exist and not feel my feelings or face the blatant truth.   It allows me to continue with "life" but I am not actually living.   I pretend everything is fine and go to work,  make small talk,  and no one knows what is really going on.
Not a coping skill I recommend but I am aware when I am doing it, like when I don't post here for awhile because I don't want to acknowledge how I am feeling.   A blank page is my way of trying not to feel.   It doesn't work but then again crappy coping mechanisms rarely do.  I was honest in therapy this week and told my counselor that I purged.  It was more than once and it didn't help at all.   Well that's not true it showed me how sick I am making myself.   My situation sucks but I can change it. I don't need to pretend everything is fine.  It's not.  It sucks.
It sucks that my therapist, my counselor and you ladies are the only people who know what is going on.
It sucks taking a giant step backwards.
It sucks that my old coping skill didn't help.  (Did it ever? )
It sucks that I know what I have to end my marriage.
It just sucks.
I am meeting with a lawyer this week.   I had an appointment last week but she got tied up in court so we rescheduled.   She works with the local domestic violence group and I hope she can tell me what I need to do.   I have no idea how to get a divorce let alone divorce someone who I have been taking care of for about 10 years.   Even though he hurts me and I know I can't continue to live like this, I don't want to hurt him.  I still love him that hasn't changed.   But I know what we have is not good for either of us.  He needs to get help that he hasn't had to get because I take care of and clean up his messes.  Me purging made me realize that I can't continue to drag my feet any longer. I must keep going and finish this.   I don't know what I am doing but hopefully I find the right people to help me.

I'm a mess

I feel like such a wreck.   Living two different lives is getting old.  I need to take action.  I did something today that is upsetting me.  Trigger warning.

!!!! WARNING!!!!!!

I threw up.   I haven't done that in so fucking long.   It started as an accident but I didn't stop myself.   I woke up early for work and made myself something to eat.   After eating I went to the bathroom to style my hair and brush my teeth.   I wasn't feeling great and started to cough.  I SHOULD HAVE left the bathroom and done some deep breathing but I didn't.   It was gross.  I thought about doing it earlier this week also but I stopped myself that time.   I think this was a wake up call to myself.   I am not happy and I need to make the uncomfortable changes in my life.   I refuse to go backwards in my life.

Pills pills pills

32 sleeping pills in 30 hours.
98 vicodin 10/325mg in 9 days.

It has been exactly 1 month since he last hit me, what has actually changed?   Nothing.  

No excuse

Well nothing has changed.   All the promises my husband made have continued to be broken,  and I can't say I am surprised.   For example,  I told him I don't like that he takes enough medication to pass out for hours at a time.  Has he stopped doing that?   No.  It's obnoxious that I am not surprised.   If it hasn't changed in almost 8 years why would it now?  He doesn't even see it.  He keeps saying aren't things better?   I think he is trying but I don't think he can do what he promises to do.  I don't think it's fair to him that I get mad at him for being himself.   I am just not willing to live like this anymore.   I need to get myself together and actually start the process of divorce.   My original plan was to plan my divorce like Katie Holmes.   Have everything ready to go with no warning.   It seems mean to me but it's the safest option.   Not only for me but for him too.  If he trys to overdose I will be able to get him hospitalized and get him the help he needs.  I fully expect that to happen,  which honestly sucks.   I know I am not responsible for his actions or reactions and I can't control how he handles things.   I also realize he has major borderline personality traits and would try to guilt me back.  I guess knowing how things might unfold has kept me in limbo.   I can't stay here.  I see my counselor this week I had promised myself that I would have things in action by then.   So I need to make calls today after work and get my shit together.

Okay totally weird, I am sitting in my office and a coworker came to talk to me to tell me he was taking a job with a different company which sounds great for him and I got the odd feeling he was about to ask me out.  So I started to play with my wedding ring since if he was hitting on me he would realize I am married.   Ironic that I am planning on divorce at this very moment.   But there was really no reason why he would come and find me to tell me this.  I mean I worked with him twice I think and he seems like he has his shit together and I was nice to him but it was just super weird,  that's the only way I can describe it.

Sick of myself

I want to do something yet I keep dragging my feet.   I know what I HAVE to do.   Knowing myself I told three people the important stuff of why I need to do this so that I can't back down.   My two therapists/counselors and a male friend who happens to be a counselor.  Telling them made it real and that sucks because I can't pretend everything is okay anymore.  
Yesterday I slept for a total of 18 hours as a way to escape.   I woke up to the same problems.

Venus

It happened again

So I had told myself that I needed to set a limit with my husband and what I would not be able to tolerate.   I gave him my list and told him I would not continue to live like this.   Little short lived changes but nothing really happened.   Saturday he hit me.  I am done.  I have given him so many chances and tried everything I could help him but nothing has changed.   We have been married 7 years. 
Logistically I have decided that I am going to sell my diamond engagement ring and some of the other jewelry he has bought me over the years and give the money to him so he can move somewhere.   I don't think he can live alone so I don't know what I can do regarding where he can live but that is the shit I am going to figure out this week.   I haven't said it out loud yet.  And the only people who know I was trying to figure this out are my therapist, my counselor and a friend.   No one has any idea what the past 7 years have been like and how bad it really gets.  But I am done.  I have tried everything I could but I can't continue like this.

I am the woman I am today because of the girl I use to be.

Honesty

Yesterday I went to my therapy session and I was honest.   Sounds simple enough but it isn't for me.  I normally downplay what is going wrong with regards to my husband's illness and limitations.   But I have to start facing reality,  I don't feel like I am in a marriage.   I haven't in a long time now, I am his best friend and caretaker,  but that's it.  We don't act married.   He doesn't act like a husband and I don't act like a wife.   I love him.  But he is incapable of being a husband and partner.   I am aware that I have been trying to get him to be the man I want but he hasn't been able to be that person.   That leaves me mad and frustrated with him and that isn't fair to him.  Especially since I don't think he can be the partner I long for.   For example:  I went to work for my midnight shift at the hospital and then went to my appointment.   When I came home the kitchen floor was a gross mess.  One of the dogs had gone pee pee and the a big pile of cat litter was outside the box and needed to be changed.   I told him for 2 days that we needed to change the cat box by Wednesday night for our garbage pick up.   So I went home and sweeped the floor and then mopped up the mess.  I asked him if he could change the cat box at some point and at first he said No.  I fully expected that answer and went to start cleaning as I walked by him I yawned which actually got his attention.   He said that he would clean up but he couldn't do it just yet.   When I woke up for work I was surprised that it was actually done.  He was asleep on the sofa so I took the two bags of garbage out to the curb and took care of the dogs before I left for work.  And that doesn't sound like much but it is a build up.   He won't take care of the house, clean up after the dogs,  go grocery shopping, make or go to doctor appointments by himself, return phone calls regarding his insurance, and most other responsibilities.   I am 32 years old and I want to Live life.   I plan my whole life around him and his limitations.  I don't have a social life, he isolates from everyone most of the time.  Except during a manic episode, then he is Mr. Social.   He gets these ideas of things to do that have no place in reality. 
      Let's move to California so I can be a wrestler there, I want to get a passport and travel to Japan and work there, I want to take out a business loan and make my own company. 
It is great to dream big, it really is,  but you need to understand that there is a lot of work and repercussions to actually get something going.  
I told my therapist that if I told him I was leaving him I know he would attempt suicide.   She asked if he had ever attempted in the past and again I was honest and said yes.  I told her I signed involuntary commitment papers in 2008 and that on 1/3/13 he sent me a picture while I was at work showing how he had cut himself all around his neck.   I saved the picture because it is on of the things that really made me realize that he was not getting better and that I can't do this.
I don't know what I am going to do but I can't continue to live like this.