same

ok i fel like my life has had the pause button hit and i cant find play.  i have such a restless energy inside of me that i need to use for a jumpstart for my life  i need something to happen i just dont know what that something is yet . i also have been just plain tired when i leave work that all i want to do is go right to bed .  i want to take one day to just do what i want which is to leave work and go right to bed to reset myself so that i dont just crash on my day off.  i also need to just change things and feel motivated instead of exhausted.  i just wish i knew what i should do.  i need a clue.

124.6

Eck. Slow start to the new year. Instead I am looking at 1/23 as a fresh start = that is chinese new year and I will be working on losng 2lbs a week from Monday Monday so that I will be accountable on weekends.
The wedding was nice and the only thing that could have made it better was me being 10lbs lighter. Oh well, I have another wedding in june that will be a chance to look better than ever. My cousin is getting married and I have always had an unspoken riveraly with her. Right now the score is unsettled. She is thinner, lives in NYC,is single, and has a high powered job. Me I am heavier, live in atown I love but is less exciting, married and have a job not in my field I kind of fell into. I am using the next few monthes to restart my life. I need to get on track with my goals and actually start on them.

Make a budget
Pay off some debt
Start a webpage with my intended field
Start doing consult work
Clean up my apartment


Not too bad. I plan on taking a notebook and writing a goal on each page, with the steps I need to do to achieve that goal. I am hoping to finish tha this weekend while at work. Might as well get something of value while I am at work.

Doesn't seem like a lot when I see it like that. I plan on taking out a note book and putting a goal on each page and the steps I need to accompish

124

God I am bored of his number. I am greatful that is not swinging from high to low and back again but I have to break through to the other side (thanks "the doors"). Last week I was off my normal routine of night shift due to training during the day. But I am back on nights again which I love. I know a lot of people don't like night shift hours but it gives me my very nessesary ME time. Most nights at work I spend 4 hours working and 4 hours reading or blogging, although I also balance my check book and other things too. Not having any veg out time last week sucked.
So now back to the important plan to lose as much wt as possible before new years sneeks up on me. I still don't know what I am wearing, I have two dresses but I don't really love either of them so I can't really make a decision. Oh and I don't have shoes to wear and I am way too broke to buy a pair. I can't even get gas for the car until Friday when I get paid. That is also the day I have to go christmas shopping. Sounds like fun right? Oh well.
So today my game plan is to take in as few calories as possible (duh). I took the bronk and no doz combo before work and I will take another combo at 3:30 and maybe again at 8:30. Not really sure though since I have an appointment at 10 and then I want to go to bed by 1 or 2 the latest. I will play it by ear though. Ugh. I can't believe I have shop this weekend. Oh well.

shit

So my very supportive husband had pizza 3x this week, you know after I told him how hard it is fr me not to binge. His answer- you can can have one or two slices! Really sweetie? Is that why I am still in therapy after 13 years? Hejust doesn't get it because when we first started dating I was eating like a normal person, I call it my reprive from being crazy. Well that time is long gone and he can't wrap his head around the consept of trigger foods or lack of portion control. So here I am stil in bouncing between 123.1 and 124.7. Yay. But I am a planer who craves control so here is my plan:
Wake up take bronk
Go to work-eat the bare minium (maybe pretzels or fiber bar)
Take bronk around 5 or 6 am
Go home have something small to eat to appease hubby if I have to
Take bronk before going to visit family for lunch
Eat lunch with family- as little as possible
Go home and try not to eat before I crash and go to sleep

Well the plan written out sounds fine its just implemnting that gets hard. Family meat will most likely be a pasta dish of some sort and I can have a toasted cheese sandwhich after work for under 200 cals. Ugh

Fuck I also forgot to take my prozac before I left for work so I need to take that as soon as I get home. I realy wish I could get my meds changed or adjusted. I have had no motivation for life for months now. Even small things like balencing the check book, calling for appointments, and putting clothes away have been a struggle to do. I need to do atleast one of these pesky tasks a day to feel like a functioning adult. I reaaly suck at this being an adult crap. Well that's not true I did do all of this crap up until last jun
e or so when I just became burned out. I guess you can only survive in over drive/full speed for so long before the engine dies. But maybe forcing my self to dob some of these things will get me feeling better.
As for now I feel like a omie who can't get anything done.
You know what this is dumb my husband can do some of this shit. I am going to make a list and give him some shit to do. He is now able to do some of this shit now and its time he starts. Ok now I feel a bit better. Although I still want a pause botton for life.

fail fail fail

I was able to handle a wine tour with tons of calories everywhere but now a normal week is fucking me over. I have some foods that start me on a bad cycle and I eat them and all hell breaks loose. So I will be good I will lose wt. I will be good I will losse wt.
I am thinking I am going to try and sleep as long as I can because I can't eat then.

Has anyone seen the new series that Tracey Gold has on the lifetime chanel called starving secrets? Its like intervention for eating disorders. It kind of lame but when I watch something like that I can eat and zone out so it helpful.
Eh there is no order in this post, maybe its the xanax I took but I am ready for bed.

123.1

Yes! I survived the weekend. The wine trip I went on with the other 14 ladies was not as challenging as I thought it would be. Started off with a plain 1/2 a bagel that I scooped the dough out of so I only ate the thin part. I then started on the alcohol. In total I had 5 or 6 jello shots, a mamosa, and tasted atleast 30 wines throught the day. I did eat 1/2 a grilled chicken sandwhich with some french fries. I also had snacks on the bus once I got a bit tipsy. I then threw up in a bucket on the bus which was gross. It was gross because *warning tmi* I could still smell the wine and I couldn't dump the bucket right away so I hadb tob hold the bucket. Its sad but I was so happy to puke because I was worried about all those calories. I know it wasn't much but it was enough to have lost a lb. Now I have to keep it going til new years eve for the wedding. I don't think I will be down to 115 like I wanted but I will be trying to get as low as possible.
My husband said he would b supportive and not keep asking for pizza and donuts, yet this week he got pizza 2x and bought a ton of junk food. He did eat most of it fairly quickly but its kind of annoying that he said one thing and did another. I just have to be strong. Today has the potenial to be a good day. I have already had a serving of my soup for 230 cals and I am going to try not to eat anything else until I get home. If I need I have a kashi bar and a fiber bar as backup. If I am able to stay on target I should be able to get a decent loss.
Well I am at work so I better get off this and you know pretend I am working.

day off

Wow a day off feels so good. I stayed awake for 20 hours and then passed out for 12 hours it was awesome! I was able to spend all that time with my husband and tomorrow I go on a wine trip with my soon to be sister in law and all her friends. I have never been on a wine tour and I don't even like wine but I really wanted to go with all of them. I think I will have a good time but I feel a bit weird since I really only know a few of the girls. I don't even know what to wear. The girls got long sleeve shirts made for us so it is a relaxed trip. I was thinking skinny jeans with my uggs or black boots. The uggs are nice and warm but I don't know if it will be muddy and I will not let them get ruined. They were a gift- I am way too cheap and broke to have bought real ones.
My other worry is that I want to keep taking the bronkaid but I don't know how.it will react with wine. I am only going to be taking sips because I have never liked wine, but hey maybe I will find one that I like. I am not worried about food since I looked at the menu for lunch and there is a grilled chicken salad so that's easy. I am also going to bring a bag of peanuts and pretzels to help soak up the wine between places for the girls. Hopefully all goes well.