Well yet again I ruined a low cal day in the last few hours I was awake. I know my pattern and I need to plan around my weak time. I can stay on track most nights here at work although I do cave in sometimes when my coworkers bring in certain foods, I can't say no to cake! My weak time has been after work so I can't be hungry when I get home. Today I desided that I was going to get back on my crazy high fiber intake to help me feel full, have regular bms again and keep my cholesterol down for my up coming blood work. So today I planned on a minimum of 25 grams of fiber before I get home from work. It will also only come to 435cals. I am not sure how high/low my calories should be for the day, I love a solid number to strive for, maybe 600-800? 800 is on the high side but I think it will be an easier number to stay below and that will keep me motivated. And its not like I am going to be looking in my fridge going "oh I have 100 extra calories what can I stuff in me before bed?"
Ok so that leaves me with 365 for while I am at home, gross it sounds so high! Ok remember I just have to stay at or below 800.
Anyway I need to do something about having $0 for the next week. I am going to call all my credit cards and if I have anything left, but I doubt it. My sister owes me $13 and my nephew owes me $5 which I need to put in the bank so nothing bounces. I guess I need to suck it up and ask my mom for some of the money she owes me.
Eh that's all for now, I will most likely write more later tonight but I guess I should look like I am actually working.
Friday, February 10, 2012
Thursday, February 9, 2012
121.6
Well I suck. To punish myself I went ant used the body composition function on my scale and got all the horrible numbers to write down
Wt. 121.6lbs
Fat mass 28.4
Fat % 23.4%
H2o% 55.9%
Bone % 6.2%
Bmi. 21.5
So yup I am a lazy fat ass that lacks willpower, nice to meet you.
I went through some of my old posts and see that when I used the scale at my old job I had a fat mass of 21lbs. So I am lugging around 28.4lbs of fat which is so gross.
Oh and guess whose coworker brought in donuts, me! I kinda had one, I say kinda because it wasn't very good so I did the reasonable thing and ate the top of the donut which had icing on it. The bottom was dry so I threw that part away. So I know te donuts don't even taste that great yet I am dying to have more. Good god I have issues.
On a good note I was able to purchase gas and bronkaid today thanks to my credit card. On a bad note I found out I am only getting back about $300 from my income tax. That sucks so bad, I am used to getting back about $1,000. This sucks. I was planing on have my tax return and my 1,000 my mom owes me to use to pay off some bills and find a new apartment. I will now have to use the money from my mom as my security for a new place and just keep juggling the bills. This sucks!
Wt. 121.6lbs
Fat mass 28.4
Fat % 23.4%
H2o% 55.9%
Bone % 6.2%
Bmi. 21.5
So yup I am a lazy fat ass that lacks willpower, nice to meet you.
I went through some of my old posts and see that when I used the scale at my old job I had a fat mass of 21lbs. So I am lugging around 28.4lbs of fat which is so gross.
Oh and guess whose coworker brought in donuts, me! I kinda had one, I say kinda because it wasn't very good so I did the reasonable thing and ate the top of the donut which had icing on it. The bottom was dry so I threw that part away. So I know te donuts don't even taste that great yet I am dying to have more. Good god I have issues.
On a good note I was able to purchase gas and bronkaid today thanks to my credit card. On a bad note I found out I am only getting back about $300 from my income tax. That sucks so bad, I am used to getting back about $1,000. This sucks. I was planing on have my tax return and my 1,000 my mom owes me to use to pay off some bills and find a new apartment. I will now have to use the money from my mom as my security for a new place and just keep juggling the bills. This sucks!
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
120.3
Ok I am in a much better mental mood tonight, mostly due to my wt loss. It again is all about control: I don't have an easy way to fix all the big problems in my life so I focus on the one thing I can control, my wt. It really is an effective coping skill. Wellanypsycobabble, I do have some big problems right now with money. Basically I can pay all my regular bills but that leaves no money for gas or food. I will look through my notebook I use to keep track of money and see how much will need to make it til next payday. I have a few ways I can get money but I hate each option. Let's see:
Sell my plasma for 20 bucks a "donation" up to 3x a week
Let my nephew sell some stuff for me
Borrow from family
Each option sucks balls and makes me feel scummy.
Ok if I put $18 in the bank nothing will bounce and I will have $12 left. I need at least $100 for gas and at least $50 for food and stuff. So I am short $138. Awesome. I really don't want to go give plasma it is such a gross sensation and process. I guess I could ask my mom since she owes me $1000. I just don't know if she has it give yet. Eh.
Well anyway I realized that in 37 days I lost 7lbs, which is honestly sad. I used to drop that in 2 weeks. I am going to focus hard to get down to my 1st goal of 115 then 110. MY ideal for myself is 99lbs but I am not sure if that will be feasible now that I am married and my husband sees me naked. Same reason I can't cut anymore. I know pluck hair with tweezers form sensitive areas or I would have to cut and make it look like it happened at work which would be hard.
I have 6 weeks till the bridal shower in NY that I MUST look thin for no matter what. I will be wearing something awesome (not sure what) with spanks to make sure I look as good as possible. I need to be between 110 -115 for that day. Then I can start looking for dresses for the summer weddings.
And I have to thank "does it even matter" for reading this verbal vomit and sharing the awesome knowledge of bronks! I think I need a better nickname for you.
Sell my plasma for 20 bucks a "donation" up to 3x a week
Let my nephew sell some stuff for me
Borrow from family
Each option sucks balls and makes me feel scummy.
Ok if I put $18 in the bank nothing will bounce and I will have $12 left. I need at least $100 for gas and at least $50 for food and stuff. So I am short $138. Awesome. I really don't want to go give plasma it is such a gross sensation and process. I guess I could ask my mom since she owes me $1000. I just don't know if she has it give yet. Eh.
Well anyway I realized that in 37 days I lost 7lbs, which is honestly sad. I used to drop that in 2 weeks. I am going to focus hard to get down to my 1st goal of 115 then 110. MY ideal for myself is 99lbs but I am not sure if that will be feasible now that I am married and my husband sees me naked. Same reason I can't cut anymore. I know pluck hair with tweezers form sensitive areas or I would have to cut and make it look like it happened at work which would be hard.
I have 6 weeks till the bridal shower in NY that I MUST look thin for no matter what. I will be wearing something awesome (not sure what) with spanks to make sure I look as good as possible. I need to be between 110 -115 for that day. Then I can start looking for dresses for the summer weddings.
And I have to thank "does it even matter" for reading this verbal vomit and sharing the awesome knowledge of bronks! I think I need a better nickname for you.
Monday, February 6, 2012
121.3
Ok I am very excited with my wt being down, however, I am at work now and not only are there cookies but cake also. Awesome. I might allow myself one serving of cookies later, but that is a maybe. After work I need to go grocery store and pick up a few things unfortunatly I have no money and if I buy anything it is being paid with my rent money. Not good. Since I am working so much overtime money won't be as tight but first I need to get caught up. I am hoping my income tax refund will be good this year just to even me out.
Eh this post is short I am too jumbled to write.
Eh this post is short I am too jumbled to write.
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Friday, February 3, 2012
123.8 really?!
I suck. I ate so many of my favorite crakers that my tongue actually is raw. How gross am I? So now I feel fat and depressed. My husband has been in a funk since we lost the court appeal and since that day I have been stuffing my face with carbs. Yay me. But I have to get on track and down to atleast 113. I have to go to a bridal shower in March and I want to be at 113 for it. So 10lbs is not a lot and should be easy in theory. I will also be going to 2 weddings this summer that will be very fancy and I NEED to be thin. I need to be thin for these events since I don't see my cousins often and I am vain and I want to be thinner than Michelle. I mean come on she can't be richer and thinner than me its just not fair. So I need to be strict now and stop fucking up.
To continue my bitch fest I am also broke. I got paid this week and I only have 30 dollars lrft after paying my bills. So for the next 2 weeks I have to buy groceries and gas some how. I think I will have to wait to pay rent but I really shouldn't push it with my landlord. Oh and Friday night we are meeting some friends out which is awesome to actually have a social funtion but we are going to end up spending money, at the minimum we will spend about 10 to 20 bucks. Maybe I can get some money from my mom that she owes me, eh.
Oh well I have figured out if I work 6 days a week I can pay all of our bills on time. Yup 6 days at a mental hospital, I know how to live it up.
To continue my bitch fest I am also broke. I got paid this week and I only have 30 dollars lrft after paying my bills. So for the next 2 weeks I have to buy groceries and gas some how. I think I will have to wait to pay rent but I really shouldn't push it with my landlord. Oh and Friday night we are meeting some friends out which is awesome to actually have a social funtion but we are going to end up spending money, at the minimum we will spend about 10 to 20 bucks. Maybe I can get some money from my mom that she owes me, eh.
Oh well I have figured out if I work 6 days a week I can pay all of our bills on time. Yup 6 days at a mental hospital, I know how to live it up.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
122.8
I am in complete shock ate my wt after my 3 donut binge yesterday but I guess I was able to balance it all out in the end. I ended up having 3 bowl movemnts (tmi) due to my aniexty being sky high. How poetic that my body pushes food out of its self when I can't hold myself together. Let's recap the day:
Work: ate 3 donuts and a bowl of soup.
I went to see my new therapist and I think she might actually be good for me, she is going o push me out of my comfort zone and actually act like a therapist which will be a change for me. Also I don't think I will be able to divert the conversations to nonissues like I did with my last therapist. So it should be good for me and uncomfortable. I had to do the normal treatment plan with her so I said I want to work on my aniexty, I constatly feel like I am seconds away from disaster. I have felt this way since before May 2008 but it really took off after that. The geting to know me part was a bit comical for me though, I am hyper aware of all my disorded thinking and I can and do list them all and what I should do to fix them. I must be so annoying. Anyway, after that I went home and had a bag of popcorn and shreaded wheat (yay carbs). Then we went to court. I know I said the worst that could happen is the judge says no, and my irrational fear that they would take him to jail, but I really did not expect him to say no. So today after work I will call his probation officer and find out if the rules have stayed the same or if they have been relaxed a bit.
So far tonight at work I have some pretzels and 1 cracker, about 110cals, not bad. I brought my soup and dry cereal but I haven't touched them yet. I have been prety busy throughout the night and I am now enjoying my down time. My life could be a bad lifetime movie. Depressed white girl with an ED who went and got a degree in nutrition, marries man with bipolar disorder and takes job as a mental health worker after the diet center I worked or goes out of bussines. I wonder who could play me?
Work: ate 3 donuts and a bowl of soup.
I went to see my new therapist and I think she might actually be good for me, she is going o push me out of my comfort zone and actually act like a therapist which will be a change for me. Also I don't think I will be able to divert the conversations to nonissues like I did with my last therapist. So it should be good for me and uncomfortable. I had to do the normal treatment plan with her so I said I want to work on my aniexty, I constatly feel like I am seconds away from disaster. I have felt this way since before May 2008 but it really took off after that. The geting to know me part was a bit comical for me though, I am hyper aware of all my disorded thinking and I can and do list them all and what I should do to fix them. I must be so annoying. Anyway, after that I went home and had a bag of popcorn and shreaded wheat (yay carbs). Then we went to court. I know I said the worst that could happen is the judge says no, and my irrational fear that they would take him to jail, but I really did not expect him to say no. So today after work I will call his probation officer and find out if the rules have stayed the same or if they have been relaxed a bit.
So far tonight at work I have some pretzels and 1 cracker, about 110cals, not bad. I brought my soup and dry cereal but I haven't touched them yet. I have been prety busy throughout the night and I am now enjoying my down time. My life could be a bad lifetime movie. Depressed white girl with an ED who went and got a degree in nutrition, marries man with bipolar disorder and takes job as a mental health worker after the diet center I worked or goes out of bussines. I wonder who could play me?
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