Being rational is hard!

So my personal goal as of late has been trying to find a balance.  A balance in all aspects of my life.  I am finding it hard to not eat due to emoitions as I use carbohydrates like a drug.  I have found it is possible when I keep certain foods out of my house, but somethings just show up!  I have to keep my resolve however many times I might slip and learn from each slip.  Lesson one:  cookies are too yummy to eat just one, as is chocolate.  My lesson from that is that those are "sometimes" foods.  Food that I will eat, but not all the time and not in an uncontrolable manor.  For now that means I need to keep my surroundings bursting with "real" food.  One thing I have been doing is buying food that will spoil like salad ingreedients and since I don't want them to go to waste I prepare them.  Today I made myself eat my carrots at work before any of my other food because I have had them for several days.  Now that I am hungry and I am going to have a 2 cup serving of the soup I made this morning.  It has about 10 grams of protein and 12 grams of fiber so it is very filling and I hope this newly revised version tastes good! Ok time to eat before it gets too crazy here at work.

Emoitions run wild!

Wow since I wrote last I think I have felt every emoition!  Let's see I left work and when I got home I was so angry at my husband.  He had taken some over the counter meds with his regular meds and they made him oblivious to the fact that he is a grown up.  I basically gave him the silent treatment most of the day, I instead of spending time with him I went to our room to be alone and then I went to sleep and stayed that way til thenext morning!  Well that was valentines day which is also his birthday.  So I had a loose plan in my head of what we would do and it turned out awesome.  Let's see breakfast out at his favorite place, bought him sneakers, got him a new cellphone, a tatoo, and then dinner another of hi favorite places.  He was so happy he cried, he said it was his best birthday ever.  I also gave him our sexy present.  It sounds lame but I read about it in a magizine and did it another time and he loved it.  You put 104 stones or marbles in a pretty container, 2 stones for each week in a year.  Then when ever you want you take a stone out and place it somewhere the other person will find it. That means that in the next 24 hours you plan on having sex. Like I said cheesey but it is fun and he loved it last time I set it up. I did work up enough engery to buy 2 pairs of jeans when we were out shoping. I knew exactly what I wanted and didn't try anything on until I found what I wanted. I went into a ton of stores and found things close but not exactly so I had a back up if I couldn't get what I really wanted. But then I found what I wanted: skinny jeans with a midrise and five real pockets, no fake pockets! I got them in grey and black so I could wear them to work and the size was perfect. They are a bit tighter than I would normally get but I am a bit heavier right now so they will fit better soon. I am wearing my gray ones now and I love them. I feel like I look big in them but I am trying to be rational and remind myself that my eyes don't really see ME. Well ladies I hope your week went well and that everyone enjoys the weekend as it is back to healthy eating for me. Which reminds me I need to make a pot of soup when I get home, yum!

17 years...

It occurred to me yesterday while I was driving home from work that 17 years ago this week I went on a diet. That was when the fire was started on my ED. I had been slowly building up to it, looking back I can see that disordered behaviors started around 8. But at age 14 the week before Valentines Day I thought I should lose about 10lbs. I wasn't content with 10 so I kept going. In the past 17 years I can pick out 2 summers that I was comfortable with my body, 2 out of 17. So it is time to be what I want. I want to be a grown up woman Who is in control of her life Who feels comfortable in her skin Who lives a full life Who doesn't hold herself back Who isn't scared of messing up I am tired of pretending. The mask I wear is very realistic but I know it is fake. It is time to stop and actually BE.

Tryiing to stay positive.

While things are okay I am trying to keep a positive state of mind.  Yesterday went well overall, work was good and so was hubby.  I did not get as much sleep as I wanted but that wasn't too big of a deal.  Hubby saw his psy dr and was given a new medication which I will pick up on my way home from work, hopefully we will see an improvement.  I also asked him to consider going to a support group for families dealing with mental health issues and he seemed open to the idea and will think about it.  I think it would be good for us.  One thing is taking up negative space right now in my mind.  Hubby had a MRI last week and the dr himself called and left a message.  Now its odd for a few reasons: The dr didn't order the MRI his physician assistant did He hasn't actually seen the dr in months The office has never called us after pass MRIs we normally just review it at his next visit. So I am a bit worried but I am trying to push to the back of my mind until I leave work and can all the office. Foodwise I have been eating and reacting to food almost like a normal person, which has been weird.  I didn't stick to all healthy foods like I wanted to instead I did eat pizza and have some junk food here and there.  And it was ok. Weird I know.  My wt last week was stable and I didn't eat till I hurt, sure I ate more pizza then a person should but again nothing that would seem odd to anyone else.  So for this week I am aiming to drink more water, about 100oz or so, mainly to help with the bloating from salt last week. I am also going to try that crazy thing called moderation. I am normally not very good at that so I am going to avoid certain things that are hard not to over eat but I think I will be having a meal out and I want to enjoy it while not bingeing. I have one other tough situation this week. I ned to buy a pair of jeans, skinny jeans at that. Now I hate shopping for pants more than any other clothing but my old pair actually fell apart last week and since they were my Friday work jeans/ jeans to wear with knee high boots or nice top, I need to replace them. So knowing that I have to try on pants at the end of the week makes me want to try to lose wt but I know I shouldn't. Well I hope the week is going well for everyone!

Bronkaid

So on my way to work I noticed how elevated my mood was compared to the past week or so.  I had taken a week off from taking bronkaid, which is an asthma medication technically.  I take it for a completly different reason however, it is a stimulate and kills my hunger. The neat thing is that if I take a break from it, like a week or longer, when I start taking it I end up in a much more positive state of mind. I wish it would last. Anyway.... I have been feeling pretty crappy more and more of the time and today has felt so much better. It also helps that work has been fun, I have three guys working with me watching patients because we have 25% of our unit on special precautions. So it has been fun night even with patients running all over the place naked and the old man hitting on me. I have been meaning to really write an update but since my husband is not aware of this blog I only write while at work. Today I have to bring my husband to his psy dr and I really hope the dr adjusts his meds. He has not been right since he went off his geodon and that was in June. Shit all the patients are awake I have to go.

Learning curve

Well I refuse to look at this past week as a failure.  I was able to eat many healthy, delicious, and nutritious meals which is a great thing.  My weak points I have identified and I need to come up with ways to handle them.  I didn't gain or lose any wt even with my slips. Since I work at an inpatient psy hospital my coworkers and I will talk about what dx are the hardest patients. Most people find either borderline personality disorder, manic stage bipolar, or detox patients the hardest to deal with but for me its ED patients. I mean any other disorder you can give a person medicine to calm them down or make them more comfortable but us EDs, we just can't be satisfied. Plus I feel like a hypocrite when I am suppose to be setting a good example. Only one female coworker knows that I "used to" have an ED and we don't ork the same shift anymore, but I don't actively hide it but once in awhile I will slip and say something. Most people would think I was joking when I say "please don't leave cake with the binge eater", ha ha so funny right? Anyway I feel this week I did better than the week before and that is what I am focusing on. Improving.

Two strikes

Ok day three of my goal to not eat for the wrong reasons and I am determined to stick with it.  My downfall the first two days was cereal, no surprise.  But to look at the positive side I didn't really go too crazy, I ate great until I came home from work both days.  Unfortunatly, I did end up eating cereal once I was home, which I ate too big of a portion.  If I had not overeaten I would count it against me but I did. So fresh start.  I brought a salad for lunch and some salsa chicken and before I left for work I portioned out my meal for when I get home.  I will have no reason to grab anything else.  I even planned my snack of sunflower seeds knowing that I really want to eat them.  With all my planning I will have 30 grams of fiber so I will not feel hungry that is certain!  I tried to plan around all possibilities so I have a 200calorie saftey net, I am eating flavorful foods, and I planned for my sunflower seeds. I love planning, its following that is hard! Well another thing that had me feeling odd this week is a new patient. An ED patient who OD'ed. So that's nice huh? I did her intake and had to go through her belongings. I knew what t look for and I found them, laxitives. The strangest thing for me was getting her wt. She knew exactly what it would be, no shock there, but she is about my wt and ht. That was weird. When you look at her you can see it, the ED that is. Anyone else ever had this kind of experience? You find out someones wt/ht and it is the same as yours but you feel you look nothing like that? Anyway that has had me one edge all week, she is here on an involentary commitment. Its just is creeping me out. Later ladies