I am the woman I am today because of the girl I use to be.

Honesty

Yesterday I went to my therapy session and I was honest.   Sounds simple enough but it isn't for me.  I normally downplay what is going wrong with regards to my husband's illness and limitations.   But I have to start facing reality,  I don't feel like I am in a marriage.   I haven't in a long time now, I am his best friend and caretaker,  but that's it.  We don't act married.   He doesn't act like a husband and I don't act like a wife.   I love him.  But he is incapable of being a husband and partner.   I am aware that I have been trying to get him to be the man I want but he hasn't been able to be that person.   That leaves me mad and frustrated with him and that isn't fair to him.  Especially since I don't think he can be the partner I long for.   For example:  I went to work for my midnight shift at the hospital and then went to my appointment.   When I came home the kitchen floor was a gross mess.  One of the dogs had gone pee pee and the a big pile of cat litter was outside the box and needed to be changed.   I told him for 2 days that we needed to change the cat box by Wednesday night for our garbage pick up.   So I went home and sweeped the floor and then mopped up the mess.  I asked him if he could change the cat box at some point and at first he said No.  I fully expected that answer and went to start cleaning as I walked by him I yawned which actually got his attention.   He said that he would clean up but he couldn't do it just yet.   When I woke up for work I was surprised that it was actually done.  He was asleep on the sofa so I took the two bags of garbage out to the curb and took care of the dogs before I left for work.  And that doesn't sound like much but it is a build up.   He won't take care of the house, clean up after the dogs,  go grocery shopping, make or go to doctor appointments by himself, return phone calls regarding his insurance, and most other responsibilities.   I am 32 years old and I want to Live life.   I plan my whole life around him and his limitations.  I don't have a social life, he isolates from everyone most of the time.  Except during a manic episode, then he is Mr. Social.   He gets these ideas of things to do that have no place in reality. 
      Let's move to California so I can be a wrestler there, I want to get a passport and travel to Japan and work there, I want to take out a business loan and make my own company. 
It is great to dream big, it really is,  but you need to understand that there is a lot of work and repercussions to actually get something going.  
I told my therapist that if I told him I was leaving him I know he would attempt suicide.   She asked if he had ever attempted in the past and again I was honest and said yes.  I told her I signed involuntary commitment papers in 2008 and that on 1/3/13 he sent me a picture while I was at work showing how he had cut himself all around his neck.   I saved the picture because it is on of the things that really made me realize that he was not getting better and that I can't do this.
I don't know what I am going to do but I can't continue to live like this.

That odd feeling

Since I was in training for my new job I haven't had a chance to post anything but tonight was my first night on the job.  So far so good.  Life continues to be bizarre in my normal way.  We celebrated my husband's birthday by going out to eat and his gift is the dog we are fostering we are going to keep.   Our plan is to train this dog to be his best companion.   Always around and able to help calm him down.  
But that is all the normal stuff, in not normal news is the fact that I have been texting my ex boyfriend.  A lot.   He is right now the fantasy in my head with happiness and no drama.   I fully realize that in my head of course it seems awesome but that real life would be drastically different.   But still, when I talk to him it feels so wonderful.   We have stayed up to date with each other throughout the years and I hate how I feel.   But to feel this way again has been so weird.   Talking to him and even thinking about him makes me smile.
It's not even that I want to run away and start a new life.  It's that he is a man.  To me a grown man who can take care of himself and has realistic goals is so refreshing.  
I have been trying so hard the past few weeks to make things better with my husband and I am getting no where.   He lacks any insight into reality.   He complains he is in so much pain but then says he still wants to do the physical stuff that hurt him in the first place.  He wants to get a job but he said he knows some days he wouldn't be able to manage leaving the house.   Oh and he still wants a baby.   Are you kidding me?!  I don't know what I can do. 
I see my counselors next week.   I know what I want to do.   I don't know how I would go about doing it and how I would be able to make sure he continued treatment.   I don't know how anything would go.  My big fear is that he will try to kill himself if I tell him we are over.  I know he would.   He hasn't been stable for so long and I don't know where he could even live.  All I know is right now I am not happy.

Inspiration

I am a horrible person

Well think I have reached my limit regarding my husband's lifestyle.   I have been trying to figure out what my next step will be because I am scared of what he will do if I tell him I can't live like this anymore.  I have decided to really give our relationship as much attention and work as possible for the next month.   If I don't feel like anything but my effort has changed I will at least know I tried everything I could.  I don't like that it has come to this but I don't see any other reasonable solution.   I mean I could just resign myself to just excepting my life as it is but that is not fair to me or him.  So instead I will do everything I can to make it better and try to have hope in the future.   I am determined to not continue to be in a unhappy relationship.  

Annoyed

Well first for the happy news- I got the new job with a nice increase in salary!   I started to get worried I wouldn't get it because my manager had been acting weird with me but maybe it was all in my head.  I won't be starting for right away maybe 2 or 3 weeks which sucks but oh well.  
On to the big problem.   My husband.   He is not doing great right now and it is getting to the point that I can't lie to myself anymore.  I have been thinking continually about what to do and I have yet to find an answer.   I can't continue to live this way but I don't know how I could just leave him.  I need to do something.   I am not happy.   Yesterday when I left work I needed to go grocery shopping and stop at my parents house to print out some insurance forms before coming home.   But he said he wanted to come with me so I picked  him up first.   I knew it was a mistake,  he had been texting me randomly throughout the night not making sense but I figured he wouldn't have wanted to leave the house if he was really out of it.  I was wrong.   He got in the car and I had to change my plans.   He was slurring his speech,  mixing up his words, and had such a disorganized speach pattern.   I couldn't go to my parents house with him like that so we just went to the store.   I really really tried to stay calm but I didn't do a great job at that.   I asked him to go down one row by himself to pick out his cereal while I got ground meat.  I could see him and he could see me so I didn't think it would be a problem.   Again I was wrong.   As I was getting the meat he came back to me saying he knew I was uncomfortable because a strange guy had been talking to me.  That had not happened.  So I asked him to go get the cereal.   I grabbed the meat I wanted and followed him.  He was so lost in his own head.  He was wandering around picking up and dropping boxes and putting them back in the wrong spot.  We got the cereal finally and finished shopping when he then said he wanted flavor packets to put in his water and that he would quickly go get them.   He asked that I stay next to the bananas so he could find me.  OK, I knew this was a bad idea but I was out of energy to fight.   He took forever and came back with nothing.   At this point I just wanted to get home and go to bed.  On the drive home he was talking nonstop and unrealistically.   The unrealistic thoughts and plans have been driving me crazy lately because he truly believes that this shit is possible and a good idea.  I have hit the point that I can't pretend to myself anymore. Oh and after work today I get to go see my psych PA who prescribes my medicine.   I need to be honest with her and tell her how unhappy I have been.   I will not continue to be unhappy.

New year

2014 has been going well so far...
I felt so gross in so many ways the last time I wrote that I thought I needed to make a big change.   So instead of working on my big issues I decided to first start with something easy.   Food.  Always a great distraction from my other issues.   So I planned on cleaning up my food choices because I have been eating crappy for months and it has taken a toll on my body.   I gained weight, I was feeling very tired and low, and my skin was suffering too.  Acne and a random rash on my stomach that kept flaring up.  The plan was to eat fruit, vegetables, nuts and seeds only for 3 days in unlimited quantities.   Then one day of no rules just moderation.   Then 3 days of fruit, vegetables, nuts and seeds with a normal meal after work if I wanted. It was not hard at all I really felt like my body was getting cleaner.  I wasn't hungry, my face cleared up and the rash is almost gone. So I think it was a success.   Now I must do the hard part,  eat in a manner that provides me all the nutrients I need, keeps me satisfied and healthy.  No extremes - like I said the hard work really starts. 
I also plan on eating real meals with my husband a few nights a week.   Since I work night shift I plan on waking up at 7pm to have a nice night with him.  I normally don't like to eat anything heavy when I first wake up but I want to try to have a real meal with him at least 2 or 3 times a week.   Last night I made a pretty heavy meal and I keep burping!   We had whole wheat pasta with alfredo sauce and pan seared chicken breasts.  Didn't think it would repeat on me all night long!   Our next meal together will be Friday night and I have not yet decided what to make.   I have ground meat thawing so it needs to pair nicely with that and I must have the ingredients in my kitchen already.   I am not picking up any groceries until we utilize everything we can. 
I  "interviewed" for the new job in the admissions department.   It wasn't really an interview seeing as it was less than 13 minutes long.   Apparently she needs to make sure my degree in Nutrition with a minor in English will be accepted education for the job. So we will see I guess.   I am also going to redo my resume and start looking for a new job.  I do like my job but I really should look for new one that really interests me and pays more.  That way if I see something I will be prepared.
Okay this was long and rambling enough!   And yes Kitty 2014 will be a better year for us.