Well it has been sme time since I posted because I just could not put all my feelings into actual words. I still don't know what I am feeling, how to process it or what the hell I am doing. So basically, my normal.
Ok...
So my marriage is rocky. I don't know where I should set a limit of enough is enough. How many times can you forgive someone for the same behaviors? How many second chances? How long before you give up on the life you really want? At what point do I admitt that this life I am living is not enough?
His mental health is not stable by any means but for awhile it was improving. Everytime I think we take a step forward we end up going back another step. I love him, but is that enough? At what point do I start living he life I ant to live?
So the logical thing to do was to meet up with someone who knew me before all of this happened. I wanted to remember what I was like and how I imagined life would be like for me. So I sent an email to W. -yes he is my exboyfriend from high school and half of college. We keep in touch every few years and are able to pick up as if we had talked the whole time. He knows me and my issuses, in fact he is the person who really helped to get me into treatment at 17.
Talking to him made me think about my life. I am not happy. I want more. I want a full life and I don't have that right now. I need to really figure out if my husband is capable of living the kind of life I want. I thought he could but if I am honest with myself I don't think he is.
I meet with my therapist this coming week and the week after with his, I am going to prepare myself so that I can really sort things out. I am not sure but I think its time to have another conversation with my husband about what life will be like in reality, not in made up land. He can't work and I don't know if he will ever be able to. I can't count on his moods to be stable and be able to take care of the house and animals. But I want to. I really do.
Like I said I don't know what I am doing but I have to do something.its time. |
