Angry

I am so angry and disappointed. I have to change a great deal of things and give a few ultimatiums. I have to deside on a big life choice and I have to do it now. I will write more tomorrow but for now I have to think over everything.

114.5!

Yes! Yesterday was really tough and I almost caved in sereral times but I stayed strong and got my sweet reward. I can do this, I just need to stay strong. I am on track for the day and I have the rest of the day planned. I welled up with tears a few hours ago here at work. I am watching a patient tonight and it is like looking into the future of how my husband might be one day. I think he seems like a nice man who is seeing and hearing and feeling things that no one else is, the nurse I am with tonight is scarred of him. I think that is what makes me sad that someone is scarred of someone instead of being scarred FOR them. If this man was at the mall acting this way there is a hugh chance he would end up in jail luckily someone forced him to go to the hospital and he signed himself in for treatment. Its normally the male patients that get me thinking like this, but they are some of my favorite patients. On a good note I figured out a system that worked (yesterday atleast) to get chores done at home. My husband can't always follow through with things so I gave him one specific task and it got done. I was very happy. So now my plan is to ask him to do on specific thing a day, like clean the kitchen floor instead of saying clean up the kitchen. I think that gives us both a better chance. Well its morning so I better stop writing before it gets too busy. I wanted to thank you guys for all of your encouragement especially with the past month. Being able to come here and express everything was so much better than just bottling it up insided, and to know people were actually reading my thoughts made me feel less alone. Thank you.

116.4

Ok I am back to 116.4lbs for 3 days now because I keep having very week momments. Well no more! I had preplanned all food for today but I fucked up with ICECREAM! Yup icecream. So I took a look at what I did and it is not a complete fuck over, I can still keep my calories under 700 today if I stick with the rest of my plan. I have to. 8.4lbs away from my first goal wt. I don't have any fun events coming up that I can use as a goal date so I am trying to think of something. Well in 3 weeks I have plans that involve me not actually being at work and 5 weeks from now is our wedding aniversery. So I am going to try those dates as my goal. In 3 weeks I should be down to atleast 110. ATLEAST 110! It starts as of this moment. Anyway... My husband has been trying to be "good" but it just not. For example he took the clothes from the hamper in the bathroom and washed them. I noticed they were in the wash done, so I put them in the dryer. No big deal. This was about 2 or 3 days ago and they are still in the dryer. So I know he wants to be helpful and productive but he just can't be intuitive about these things. I think I am feeling more understanding after reading "The Journal of Best Practices". The guy who wrote it explains how once he was dx as having asperbergers he and his wife came up with some goals to work on in ways he would understand. He basically made himself a rule book on what to do in his everyday life so both he and his wife and kids could have joy in their lives. It was really good. So anyway I am thinking I need to do a project like this with my husband. I think I want my husband to read the book to fully understand what I want to achieve. I think we need a plan. Well I better stop writing now its after 6am and the patients will be waking up soon I am sure. I am on the teen unit watching a male suicide watch. That means I am almost done with my book and I got to sit in a very comfy chair for most of the shift. I hope work stays this easy for as many days as possible.

I'm back to me

Ok I really feel like I am back to my normal finally.  My hubby is back to acting like his normal, which I can handle.  I mean things are still crazy but it is at a level of crazy that I can deal with.  I started taking the Bronkaid again and I am close to what I was in July.  I have chosen 108lbs as my next goal.  I am at work right now and I really can't complain.  I am watching someone on suicide watch sleep so I have been sitting with my feet up, reading a book or on my phone and listening to music on my mp3 player with one ear bud in on low.  Right now I have a live concert od O.A.R. playing and it is wonderful.  I hope the next few nights are uneventful here at the hospital but I doubt it.  We have open beds on my unit that I am sure we will fill since I am working the next 5 or 6 nights, I'm not sure but I am on an 8 day streak so all the days will be blending together.  I am lucky enough to actually like the people I work with and the since it is the midnight shift most of the patients are sleeping.  Most.  Well it is 6 am and people are starting to wake up.

Time to refocus

Ok with everything going on I have to refocus on me and my needs.  I can't be superwoman and take care of everything all at once.  So as of now I am going to make sure I don't streach myself too thin with everything. I know I have to visit my grandmother, spend time with my husband and make sure I get enough sleep since I will be working the next 9 days. So I will tackle only one project or activity a day. When I leave work today I will call my family and figure out what day I will go over to visit and I have set up a plan of nights I wake up early to spend time with my husband before I go to work which makes it seem like we are together more. The thing is I sometimes wish I could get back the guy from English class that I fell for, I know he is still there but his disease hides him from the world and me included. I have to remember HIM, I just wish I could be with HIM more. I found some stuff that he was doing and it didn't shock me, it should have, but it didn't. This has happened before its not new but it is the first time he really knows about it. He swears he doesn't remember which I am sure he doesn't but that is besides the point, the thought and action are still there.