Angry? Disappointed?

Not really sure what I am feeling, but I am feeling many different emoitions right now. I mean come on! If you are feeling something or doing something that you need hide that normally means its not the best thing in terms of choices. I am not even sure what is going on but I know it is wrong. Fuck being vague, my husband is being an ass. I am pissed at his lack of consideration towards me and the life we have built together. I have caught him lying, omitting details, going out of his way to make sure I don't know about different details, basicaly being really shady. That is not how my marriage will be, I refuse to live like this. Well I guess I do know how I feel angry. I have been very clear to him the path in life I want to live and he has changed course. Someone/something needs to change and I don't see it being my ideals. I will this with one of my favorite quoets right now: As Gilda Radner used to say, "It's always something." "I wanted a perfect ending," she wrote in her autobiography, It's Always Something, toward the end of her life. "Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next."

Testing a new writing app.

Not sure how this will work for blogger so this is just a test.

Saddest place on earth

You know how Disney World is called the happiest place on Earth, well right now I am sitting in the saddest place on Earth. That's right I am working midnight to 7am on the childrens unit in a mental health hospital. I have a love/hate relationship with this unit. It can be really easy for most of the night since the kids sleep better than adults but its so sad. I am with 11 kids under the age of 12. Last week they had a 3 year old. A 3 year old! Every 15 minutes I have to check on the 4 bedrooms and make sure everyone is ok and it is so weird to see kids in the beds. I normally work on an adult unit so peeking into a bedroom and seeing a 6 year old laying in bed with their teddy bear is very jarring. But I also love this unit because it gives stability to some of these kids. Its so sad to hear an adult say that they like it better in the hospital than their regular life, but for a kid to say it breaks my heart. I was reading some information on the pts and I stopped myself, it was too much. 3 foster homes in less than 3 weeks, dad in jail for abusing her, sexually preoccupied 12 year old girl. I just want to take these kids and you know parent them. That's all some of them really need an adult to give them stability and love. That's why they like it here they are surrounded by adults who are sober, loving, caring, pay attention to them, given boundries, and take care of them. Ugh, I just can't believe how horrible people can be. Ok well on to other aspects of my life. I have been more dissatisfied with life in general for the past few weeks but it has been really strong in certain things which clearly tells me what needs to change. My husband and I are not on the same page when it comes to certain things and it is fustrating. I feel like he doesn't realise he is a 35 year old man not a 21 year old boy. Life is very different as an adult with different responsibilities, expectations, consequences and a future to plan. I am not saying we need to stop having fun and only talk about our 401k but I would like him show me that he isn't waiting to grow up. Perfect example from the other day: he says to me that when I get pregnant he will have our place completly fixed up and how all these different behaviors will change. I was in a very blunt mood that day and turned towards him and said "I hate when you say that, you have been saying how things will change when..., but I want the change now." So in turn I am trying to sort out my expectations in my head of the life I want to live. What can I do to in life to have more joy, contentment, calmness and fulfillment? I have been trying to figure this out in a very passive mannor and it seems like I am getting no where. My next few days I really want to focus on how I want my life to be, ad then figure out a road map to get there. I know for sure somethings but wow do I feel clueless in general. One major thing is where we live. I love the location and the layout but it has seen better days. We rent and the place is well over due for new floors and stuff but I have never brought it up to the landlord because I always felt we would move "soon". Well I have lived here since 2005 so its time for me to realise that I don't really want to move I just want things nice again. New floors, fresh paint, fix doors and other broken stuff and really make it a house and not a storage unit. I plan on taking over the small room that is connected to our bedroom and turning it into my lady den. Hubby has the spae bedroom as his man cave and I want a small area that is nice and peaceful. I plan on having only my reclining chair in the room and organizing myself with a lot of shelves and a filing cabinet. I know creating an organized area for myself will help me with my overall well being and contentment. So that's the rumblings that have been running through my head. Its a bit of a jumbled mess but its nice to get it out of my mind and really look at it. It comes down to what it always comes down to, if I don't like something I need to change it. I need to actively change my life.