118.6

Yuck.

116

Eh. I need to keep going. I am back at 116 now I just have to keep going til I get to the right number.

116.6

Ok its thursday and I am 116.6 and monday was 118.6 ewww! But that is 2 lbs in 4 days. I can't believe my wt was that high. Ewww. I want to get to 110.

116.6

Not much improvement.

117

Fat fat fat and bloated. I am so bloated and gross right now. But its proof I have to get myself together.

he did it again

He grabed my arm really hard and it stayed red for about 20 min. It felt like it was about to break and I was driving at the time. What a great day.

115

Ugh I am sick of food surprises. Yesterday Nanny wanted pizza and today X bought me a doughnut. Both very yummy but I can only imagine what my wt will be tomorrow.

114.2

We had a big eating event in town this weekend and I didn't do that abd I was pretty happy. Today was worse because I ate too much this night it was good food but too much of it.
I was happy I made up a great recipe of fat free refried beans with laughing cow cheese and salsa. It is very low cal and has a ton of fiber. I have had it on a wrap like a qusadilla and with baked chips so far - yummy.

114.2

Not much progress but it is progress. I think I am going to make dinner tonight so being in charge of the menu will be a good thing. I just have to think about what the scale CAN say tomorrow. It is up to me.

114.2

Not much progress but it is progress. I think I am going to make dinner tonight so being in charge of the menu will be a good thing. I just have to think about what the scale CAN say tomorrow. It is up to me.

114.4

Eh. Yesterday didn't go exactly as planned and I ate at moms. Oh well today is different.

114.4

Much better. I have been so down in the dumps for too long. I am sick of feeling like this. I am grumpy and listless and just so blah.

116.4

Ugh...

114.6

Oh how I love mexican food. That is why I am up .2 and not down in wt. But today is a new day and breakfast was peanuts and only one diet pill because the ones I am taking now don't seem to be agreeing with me, they either cause me to flush and get ichy or get nausous. Not my idea of fun either way. So I decided to only take one and see how that works.
Let's see its almost noon so I need to shower and then run to the grocery store. I have to go out with my parents and hubby tonight and only bad food will be avaiable from 5 on. So for the rest of the day I need to watch what I eat and take precautions.
Eh.

114.4

Well this week has sucked.

115

Ok so yesterday went great until 8:30 at night. I had only salad all day long until then. At night it was so late and I was tired so I ate some peanuts, too many though. But can't change that. So today I will again try to keep it under control. Only thing is X took chicken out to defrost yesterday and wants to cook it tonight. Maybe I can get him to do a stirfry with just veggies, the only thing is the sodium. Ugh. Well I guess I will just drink a ton and take a diuretic to try to avoid the bloat.

115.4 ok new start

Ok its monday and a fresh start. Let's see today I can stick to veggies, fruit ( I bought bananas), almond milk (makes yummy frozen treats), and sugar free icepops. Oh and I bought a ton of gum too. So I plan on drinking 2.5 liters of diet soda and taking my diet pills and diuretics. My period is basically over so now I have NO excuses.
I must lose this last amount of wt!
First Goal: 110
Second Goal:105
Its all so close I know I can do it.
So here I go...

115

Ugh back up. Ok so the wedding was wonderful and I lokked good in my tight dress but oh the food. I did great during the coaktail hour and mealtime. I had some cheese and a breadstick with butter. My steak was fatty so I only ate a small amout and I didn't like the pasta dish either. Then came the sweets. YUM! A bit too much. Then breakfast of pancakes. Oh and then I got my period.
So now starts a new begining. I will lose atleast 5 more lbs.
Oh and I had to see my therapist who wanted to wt me, I was bloated and wearing heavy shoes and jeans so it clocked in at 119. So I know that will be an issuse that will been looked at next time. But I will be prepared next time.
Ok I have to start my day I guess- have to go to the store need diet soda!

the aftermath

Ok so my bday didn't turn out how I had imagined. It wasn't the worst because it really was a great day for my hubby but not really my thing. I picked him up at 4:30 and brought him back at 5:30. I met him later at around 7:15 and we stayed till almost midnight. He was so happy so that made things more ok. But I ate one big pb cookie and french fries!
The next day was half of a donut and half a pb cookie, then wedding food for 6 hours! I did ok until desserts. Ugh! Oh a pancakes this morning. So the rest of the day the goal is 100 oz of fluid and I took some stool softeners ao clean out. Tomorrow starts again. Lots of fluid and veggies. Tuesday I will get my period so I am so bloated, I hope when I wt myself I am hoping for 115.6 - a 2lb gain and hopefully no more!
I am hungry now and I might have a veggie buger and run to the store to get supplies for the next few days. Yay!

oh the aftermath

Ok so I went away over night for the wedding and I knew there would be a lot of food but wow!

113.4

Well happy bday to me. I a bit cranky right now. I woke up an my husband was in a panic over our dog. All I had to do was bring him to the vet to get some antibotics so I called and got an appointment. No big deal except my hubby couldn't go with me because of a class he wanted to take at the same time in town. So I droped off my hubby and brought the dog to the vet. I then brought the dog home and printed directions for tomorrow. I thought the class would be over at 2 so I went to the mall and walked around, I wanted to check on a dress a bought and see if they had it in a different color-they don't. Now it is 3:20 and I am still waiting for my hubby.
I have a feeling this bday is not going to feel very special. He wants to go to a show at 6:30 that will last til 10:30. That means at most I am going to have from what 3:30 to 6:30? And I doubt it will even be that long. How wonderful. So much for a nice lunch out or really anything ment for me. Ugh like I said I am cranky.

113.4

Yay! So excited. My bday is tomorrow and I would love to be 113 or less. I think I can do it, although I am pmsing right now.
Goal for the day will be handful of nuts for breakfast, veggie burger and salad mid afternoon, then celery in the evening. Hopefully I can stick to it.

113.8

Ok so last night sucked yet again. X woke me up last night and the night before because of stupid stuff. The first night was him spilling his cereal on our bed at 4am. Last night I woke up to him passed out with crap everywhere. The bathroom was a mess with pee on the floor(!), junk all over the counters and the computer on with music playing kind of loud. So I am a bit craky right now.

114.2 blah

Ugh I knew I ate too much yesterday too late at night. But today has been really good:one handful of peanuts, one veggie burger, celery, and some vanillia almond milk. That is my new favorite product I think. 40kcals per 8oz serving and all it needs is some splenda. Right now I have a cup of it in the freezer to see how it will be frozen.
Right now I think I am around 400 kcals for the day and I am full! Also I am watching Ruby on the style network and after that is Too Fat for 15; which is good I won't feel like eating while those shows are on.

later...

Ok so I had two veggie bugers and I am kind of hungry right now. I think I will go cut up my celery now so that I don't en up eating too many calories.
Ok instead I had a big big salad mainly with broccili slaw that I bought the other night it was really good. But now I have that "full" feeling and I am worried that my wt will be up. My plan for the rest of the night is to push fluid- I already had 68 oz and flush my system. Hopefully that will help me hit 113.8!

114!

Awesome. I hit 114 this morning and I told myselfi will be strict with myself today to make sure I have some progress for tomorrow. Anyway I have had some soy milk, carrots,lettuce and a half of a banana so far today. I am hungry right now so I think I will make a veggie buger to really fill me up an then I have celery for tonight.
I can't wait to see what the scale will say tomorrow.

114.8

Eh, I should be content with that but I my bday is soon and I want to be 110. I know that isn't realistic but I am going to aim for as low as possible.

114.8

Eh, I should be content with that but I my bday is soon and I want to be 110. I know that isn't realistic but I am going to aim for as low as possible.

no wt yet...

I am waiting to wt myself since my hubby is in the shower right now. I had the dates mixed up so today is the exhibit and we still plan on going. Food wise wasn't great yesterday but I kept in control. I did have a few things that were not needed at all. A handful or two of sunflower seeds, the cream from on oreo and popcorn at night. Ugh let's hope for 114.6 but I think it will be 115.

back to 114.6

My husband is in a ba emoitional space right now and has wanted "bad" food this week. Ofcourse the day I hit 114.6 he wants pizza - I ha two slices of thin crust for abour 400 kcal. Next time only one! If I didn't eat the pizza with him it would have lead to a long discussion on not getting it at all and he really wanted it after his 5 hour visit for an dr visit. Last night he wanted mcd's and I picked it up for him. It was 4:30 and I hadn't eaten anything yet, but I was able to not eat even one fry! That is a hugh deal I love those fries but I was rewarded this morning with a low wt. Today I hope goes as well but who knows. We don't have any set plans but I want to go to an exhibit in town that is free today and then to my parents for awhile. That last part will be tricky foodwise but I really like being with my grandma an the kids.
Ok here's to a great day.
P.S. X cut himself again yesterday, he did it earlier this month too.

114.6

Yay, I am so excited to see the 114's. Yesterday was super easy to start with but then I had a major slip. I was taking my gradma to a dr appointment at 11am so I knew afterwards we would go for lunch. I didn't have breakfast and I had a grilled chicken ceasar salada - no dressing, I only ate a small amount of chicken and maybe 4 croutons and took a iet pill. Then when I was home an I got hungry I told myself just a handful or two of the honey roasted nuts but instead I ate most of the can! Ugh I was so mad at myself, this is why I don't eat from the container anymore. But I took two diet pills and drank almost double the fliuded I need in a day and it turned out ok.
Today is going to be a long day. Right now X is in an appointment that could take 2-3 hours and I am waiting in a room with 3 chairs and one parenting magizine- that's it. The bathroom is on a different floor in this old office building so I am trying not to chugg my huge drink I have. After this I am taking my nephew to an appointment that should take 2 hours or so. That means I won't be home till 3 the earliest. By then I will be super hungry so I am going to steam some of the asian veggies I bought and maybe eat a veggie burger too.
Ugh it hasn't even been an hour yet.

115.2

Yay! Progress. Ok so now I have to stay on track and go lower. My goal today is fruit,veg, and one handful of nuts. The nuts are for breakfast and I am eating them now. I am aiming for 7 glasses of fluid- 12 oz glasses. I am on glass 2.

116.6

Ugh I have to get myself back to the mind frame of wt.loss. I have two weeks til my bday so I am hoping to wake up at 111-112 that day. But 113 would be ok I guess. So today I am going to focus my mind and stay on track.

116

not sure

Well things are kind of different right now. The place I was working closed and I am still out of work. I can't find a job and it is driving me crazy. I am home with my husband all the time and I worry about money and the future. So many thoughts are going through my head.
Also my whole family now lives within 20 minutes of my apartment. That is -mom,dad,grandmother,sister,her husband and her two kids, a 16 year old boy and 4 year old girl. They all just moved here and my parents bought a house they all live in. My brother lives nearby also with his fiance. I moved to this area to be away from everyone and although I am so happy I can spend time with my niece, nephew an grandmother, I remember why I never moved back home.

115.6

Still on the fruit,veg,nut diet.

116.6

Slow but its a start.

117.6

I didn't get a chance to wt myself first thing in the morning so that was my wt after one can of diet soda and a bm. Not so bad it would have been less but I keep eating too many nuts and that is slowing it down. But I am also dealing with my period so I guess its not the worst thing.
The weding I have to go to is a very big wedding that I am determined to look great at. It is in three weeks and I went to the wedding shower two weeks ago in a size four dress- the size two fit but I didn't feel comfortable mentally buying that size yet. Happily I have been fitting in my old size 0 and with new clothes it all depends. I have new capris that are a 2 and they are big! So happy to finally be back to this wt and bring it down some more.

119.6

Today starts a fruit and veggie fast. I am so bloated from my period which will start today or tomorrow. This should help me get to atleat 115 or lower. In three weeks I have my birthday and a big wedding to go to. I don't have a dress yet but I went to the shower and wore a size 4, but the 2 did fit but I was too timid to buy it. For the wedding I WILL buy a nice tiny dress! I can't wait.
For this fast I conveinced my husband to do a cleansing fast- veggies,fruits, nuts and for him fish. He is actually excited to do it.
I have stayed around 116 for a few months and now it is time to get to 110! I want lower but small steps first.
The next post I have to explain all the new things that are going on in my life.

again* he did it again

He grabed my hair and wouldn't let go. All started because he can't understan I hate that we can't plan ahead for anything. My family is moving on friday and since we have time between his two appointments we should be able to help then a bit but I can't plan on that because of our life situation.

so much time...

Wow so much time has past since my last post. Well wt wise I am at 116 which is ok. I am still out of work since my boss closed our center and I have been home with X pretty much 24/7 which ha4 been hard. More later...

116.6

Well that number is better.

120.2

I can't believe my wt is this high.

110.0 at work

Well last night did not go as planned which seems to be the norm right now. In the afternoon I got an awful headache that would just not go away. I took some advil, that didn't work so I had a fiber bar thinking maybe carbs would help, it didn't. So I took 1mg of xanax and told myself I would just go to be early. I did go to bed earlier than normal but I ended up not going to the gym and eating some stew. So not exactly what I wanted or planed on. So far today I have had one protein bar and tons of vegetables. I am fighting the urge to eat another protein bar, I keep telling myself that I have 30 minutes until I teach my class then I am on my way home. I had to resist the want of donuts earlier today I swear they were calling me! But I got on the scale and I am down which is good. I just have to keep thinking about the scale. Don't eat today what you will regret tomorrow!

110.5 at work

I did really well last night and was rewarded on the scale this morning with the lovely number of 111.6 and now at work 110.5lbs. At work my fat mass is back down a bit to 22.5lbs, I want to get to 21 which was my low and then to 15lbs. Really is that too much to ask for? Still haven't been to the gym but hubby said today he wanted to go so we will see if he is still in the mood to go tonight when I get out of work. No matter what tonight I am going to bed early I am so tired today. It took me hitting the snooze button three times to get out of bed this morning. I hate getting up that early just for the meetings we have to go to, and we have another one tomorrow at 7am again. Ugh. But then on Thursday I get to sleep in since I don't have to be at work until noon, YAY!
So now I am sitting at work and all I can think about are carbs, any really. I want to devour the snack bars we sell, go to a fast food place and get a vanilla shake, go to the CVS across the street and get chocolate. Pretty much anything right now would be good. But instead I am going to go eat more vegetables that I brought in, it is definitely making a difference in my weight eating only vegetables here at work so I think I will keep with it as long as I can.

tough weekend

So this weekend was hard but I didn't eat as well as I would have liked. This is due to the fact that my husband likes gummy fish and we went to visit my mother for her birthday. You see I am weak willed and therefor I ate said gummy fish and cake. So I am content with the fact the scale here at work is reading 111lbs and at home this morning it was 112.8. Hopefully by the end of the week I make it back to my low of 109lbs and can then move forward to my ultimate goal of 103. Well 100 would be perfect but for now I will work toward 103.
So now for something I hate to write about but need to get out of my head because it is doing no good there by itself. My husband is schizophrenic and the past few weeks have been tough for him, which means they have been tough on me too. Well on Friday we had an argument about something, I don't even remember now what it was about. But that doesn't bother me we are a married couple of course we argue sometimes, but he grabbed my shirt and wouldn't let go. It was just my shirt and it didn't escalate but it still happened. Of course he apologized and the next day we had a long talk about how if he is having a hard time it means that I also have a hard time. Since I am basically in charge of a lot of the things that goes on like keeping appointments, grocery shopping, managing our income it gets to me after awhile and can be really stressful. So Saturday I went to pick up my Rx and stayed out a bit longer than I really needed to, just to relax. It was so nice to just be by myself, I went and tried on jeans at Kohls- and I really liked that. I didn't buy anything because I didn't love anything I tried on. So this coming weekend I think I will go to Macy's since I have a gift card there and try to find some jeans. My size 5 Mudds are able to be pulled down without unbuttoning which is awesome but leaves me without any pants that fit. So I really need to buy at least one pair of jeans. Thank God I have a gift card otherwise I wouldn't have the money to get them.

111.5 at work

Okay my wt is driving me insane! I have been so good this week, my only challenge has been those gummy fish, and the scale is just sucking so much. In reality I realize my wt has greatly improved this week but it is not where I want it to be by any means. At the beginning of the week I was at 114.5 and now I am 111.5 here at work.
Oh great I am looking out the window here at work and it has been snowing all day on and off but very lightly and nothing was sticking. Well now it is really coming down. Shit. I have a 40 min drive and I have to stop at the pharmacy for my husbands prescriptions. I just hope the interstate is cleared off. I am on main roads or highways the whole time so it should be fine.
I stopped at the grocery store before work today and I might go back after work. They had the steam able veggies on sale and I bought one that had a light Asian flavor and it was really good. In reality I know that it had more calories then it needed for the flavor and that I could just use some fat free butter and spices. Yup I think I will be practical this time around. I am broke as fuck, all the bills will get paid but gas, cable, and electric will not be paid in full this month. Or last month or the month before. Oh well it will all be paid eventually and those bills don't count towards my credit rating so I don't mind them not being paid in full.
This weekend will be a challenge, X has been weird all week long and it is kind of bringing me down too. We have to go to meetings on Saturday and Sunday, but I want to go visit my mom for her birthday too. Oh and tomorrow I also have to pick up the dogs prescriptions too. Now doesn't that sound like a fun weekend?
Wish me luck, I will need it.

So today has been a long day so far. I woke up to my dog having a seizure at around midnight and then I didn't want to get up to go to a meeting set at 7am. So my husband and I both agreed to go back to sleep. I still had to get up before I really wanted to but at least I was able to sleep a bit longer. So we got up and I brought him to his therapy session. I actually like waiting for him sometimes because it gives me one hour to myself even if it is alone time in a waiting room. Oh and it is a communal waiting room for some really odd departments. Lets see we have drug court people waiting, people on ankle bracelets that will detect alcohol, and the corners office. Strangely I know the girl who is interning at that office and I saw her today. Her mom owns a wt loss center I used to work at, that is until she “let me go”. Anyway then I had to come into work early, my manager went away for long weekend and the person opening the center this morning is not well regarded. Today was her last day so I wont be working with her anymore but the owner was also here when I came in. So it looks like I am really responsible coming in an hour earlier than I was scheduled. So he left for the day and now I am alone here for the rest of today and all of tomorrow. I am oddly very happy about being alone and being able to work on my projects by myself with out anyone here with me.
So food wise last night was not the best. X was not feeling well as I expected so he wanted McD's, gummy fish, and sleeping pills. What a wonderful combination; fat, sugar and sleeping pills. So I picked up some of those steamable veggies that looked good for myself and some diet soda for work but I caved and ate gummy fish, way too many.
Today has been much better so far I have only had salad which is good that was my plan. Tonight I have no idea what to expect with my husband if we will be going to gym finally or not. Or if he is going to make a diner or really anything. It is generally a surprise when it comes to things like that. I can't really plan for evenings anymore. I just sent him a text to see what he wants to do my guess is he will say he doesn't know what he wants to do and “we will see” ugh.
On to frustrating news my wt is staying the same and pissing me off. This morning I took 4 laxatives to finally have a bm and it worked I had one just before but it made no difference on the scale. My fat mass is still at 24lbs. I want to go down to about 15lbs and get my total wt to about 103lbs. So I still need to lose 9.5 more lbs. These last 10 have been the worse, all due to me. I am generally happy with how much I lost so its not as intense of a feeling anymore. But in all honesty I really want to get rid of everything that is still jiggly which is not going away. I really need to get to the gym.

yay i got my period

eh, wt was down one more pound on my home scale but nothing here at work which sucks. i also wanted to take some laxitives but since i got my period i am going to wait as i dont want to have to deal with both issues at once. but i would like to have a bm this, that would be nice. oh well i just have to think about the big picture, i lost four lbs this week so far and it is only wednesday. i was a bit disapointed in myself last night. i had my salad for dinner and i was still wanting something sweet so i had a chocolate protein bar. i wasnt hungry i was just craving. so i broke my veggie fast. i know its not really a big deal it was only 140cals but still its the fact that i didnt need it. so far today has been lots of salad and one tiny spoonful of peanut butter. i could have /should have done without the pb but i am weak. on the way to work i stopped and bought the giant bag of salad to eat while i was here. i will bring it home and eat the rest for dinner that way i can stay on track. although X might want to eat a real dinner, he might not though because he is having a rough day. he "blacked out" as we call it, which means one of his alternate personalities came out for awhile today. that normally knocks out all his energy, which means no gym and no cooked dinner. i am kind of disapointed that i havent been able to go to the gym but i am sure we will get back on track going soon.
ugh i am so full of salad righ now, eh.

ok what the hell? i am sitting here at work waiting to start teaching my normal wednesday night class and in walks a man. he was looking for our owner to give him calanders and pens. since i am here alone i took the stuff and the guy gives me 3 big chocolate covered cookies! are you kidding me? i can't believe that i am now sitting here at work and i have access to cookies that will tempt me for the rest of the day. it is bad enough that i have chocolate protein bars and protien snack bags that taste super yummy that i am trying to avoid - that is why i ate so much salad so that i wouldnt have room to eat anything! ugh. really who gives cookies to the wt loss center?

112.5

Ok last night went really well, I had a salad and some fat free dressing. I wanted a chocolate protein bar so bad but I was able to do with out and I was rewarded with a wt loss. So now I just have to conquer tonight. So far today I have done really well and just had salad and celery with more fat free dressing. I am going to try to keep with just veggies again today but this might be a bit harder since my husband will expect me to eat dinner. We were going to go the gym tonight which would have been great. I wouldnt have picked him up for the gym until 6:30, then gym for a hour, would have ment no time for a real dinner. But no it doesnt look like we will be going tonight since he didnt sleep at all last night and is now hallucinating. Yay. So tonight will be interesting.

ok i think i get it

ok so now about me and my weight loss journey. i am now at 114.5lbs here at work. i generally wt myself at work because i have access to the most amazing scale, the thing cost over $2,ooo. and reads fat mass, muscle mass and water wt. right now it is showing
114.5 total wt
24 fat mass
90.5 ffm (fat free mass) which is muscle and water
66 water wt

i want to wt 103lbs with a fat mass of 15lbs. i know technically this is too low but that is what i want. my highest wt ever was 155 and my lowest was 85lbs. i have been in treatment since i was 17 years old and i still see a therapist. i was hospitilized at one point when i was younger. anyway, this is part of my journey. if anyone really reads this and wants to know how i ended up here you can go to blurty and look me up i am josie13 there too.

the all important first post

well this is my first post on blogger, i have a blurty account but i read so many blogs on here that i figured i should open an account here. now i just have to figure out how to use this site since i have no idea what i am doing.