Break Room

Trying to believe

I felt really good yesterday about my husband saying things would be better.  But I don't know if it actually can be.  I wanted us to have a "date".  I bought some ingreedients for one of our favorite dishes and he was going to cook it so we could eat that while watching the oscars.  Normally I don't care about award shows but we both love the guy who was hosting, in fact we credit our mutual love of his shows to us getting together.  So I went to bed early and set my alarm so I could wake up and have our special night.  When I woke up he told me he didn't feel good and didn't feel like cooking, oh and he ate the chips that we were going to have with the meal.  So he said he will cook the food tomorrow night instead I just have to pick up more chips on my way home from work. (Side note we were going to have ground turkey with cheese and salsa and eat it with chips) So although I know that feeling sick isn't something you plan I also am sick of the fact that something is always wrong. I can't remember a day that nothing was "wrong" or just a regular no complaints day. I don't think I want to live my life as if something is wrong every single day. Like I have been writing I want a real full life and I am not going to let myself miss anymore of the life I have.

Great way to wake up

Well Friday I wrote about giving my husband my deal breakers list.  He really didn't take it well that day and I knew talking while I was pissed off would be pointless anyway.  But today while I was sleeping he wrote me a note and taped it to our bedroom door.  I read it and we talked for a bit while I was getting ready for work.  He did agree to the issues I had brought up, mainly I want him take his medications correctly. when we pick up his pain meds from now on I am going to leave the amount for the day on his nightstand and hold the rest. He agreed he needs to take his psy meds on time each day which will make a big difference. I am hoping that with him taking his medications correctly life will be less chaotic. I just want to live a real life. I want to go out and be social, plan trips, and not hide from life. I am trying to save some money for us to be able to have a real vacation this summer. I want us to actually plan a trip and I don't care where we go.

when will i know?

How do you know when enough is enough?  How can you figure out when things are too bad?  I have said never again but here it is again. I rewrote my dealbreakers with my husband and started talking about them right before he went in to see his therapist.  He was mad and that is fine, I am mad also.  I miss my bestfriend. I just don't know. I don't want to just get by in life.  I want to live a full life and I am not. I don't do things and I am not honest about things because I need to take care of him. He won't deal in reality and actually believes certain things that are not going to happen. Doctors call it grandiose ideas, I call it annoying after awhile. Every so often it is good... it doesn't last. He needs to take control of how he is going to manage his conditions, I can help but I shouldn't have to do it all anymore. He can start doing some of these things. You ladies are the only ones I have shared this with. I sometimes think what life would be like if I was single. If I only had to take care of myself. So now I am sitting in the waiting room of his therapist. Listening to my music and waiting what will happen next... Thank you guys for not judging and letting me be honest with my thoughts here.

Try again

Get 25 grams of fiber and 45 grams of protein Mail tax forms out Get foo Make soup And put away clothes! Ok I did most of the things on my list for yesterday. I had told myself Wednesdays are my days, I try to keep the mornings free and not do anything I don't want to do. No chores no appointments for hubby nothing. So I didn't put my clothes away and I didn't make soup because I still have 2 servings left from my last batch. Oh and I need to photocopy one of my tax forms and then I can mail that junk out. So while I could not cross everything off my list I was able to get the important things done, like me getting 9 hours of sleep! That was way more important to me then putting clothes away. So for today I want to keep things simple and just finish everything on my list from yesterday, and still get 25 grams of fiber and 45 grams of protein.  I am wrting this post from my phone and it keeps messing up so this is all for now.

Lets keep rolling...

Well so far I am having a pretty good week.  I was able to keep myself in check eating the past few days which is a big deal since I had a day off from work.  Yesterday I had therapy and I was almost fully honest which was weird.  I told her that I was depressed the past few weeks but I am starting to feel a lot better.  What I left out was that I think I a feeling more "up" because I started taking bronkaid again.  But that was the only thing I didn't tell her about, which is major progress.  I still didn't put my clothes away but I did sort them and put my socks and things away.  I also sorted the shirts andput  them into clean containers so that after work today I can easily just hang them up.  So it is like half done.  So one goal is to finish that.  My big goal is to clean my closet which will be a big project since it is a mess.  The worst part is that the doors are off the hinges due to horrible situations and it just makes it so hard to keep things neat.  So I am taking the doors off and putting them in the spare bedroom.  Instead of the doors I am going to hang up a pretty tapestry so I won't see broken doors from sad times.  Not sure how much I will ge done today but that is ok.  The important things I need to do are going shopping for food and making my pot of soup for the next few days.  Again by focussing on fiber and protein I know my food intake will be healthy.  I just need more hours in the day and enough energy to do the crap that needs to get done. Since I can't add hours to the day I need to focus on my time management. Like tonight while here at work I am going to pay my bills on line and get all my tax forms together to send to my accountant. If I can get that done I can then cross it off my to do list that is getting too long! Ok ladies here are todays goals: Get 25 grams of fiber and 45 grams of protein Mail tax forms out Get food Make soup And put away clothes! This should not be as hard as I make it feel, ugh. Oh well time to get shit done.

New week

Let's see it is Monday and I am determined to have a great week.  I want to improve on the things I have been working on because there is plenty room for improvement.  I was concerned about my portion sizes and I have been pretty good about that, minor slips when around cookies but better than before!  I need to drink more water as I felt very dry this past week.  I also am due for my period this week so if I get more water in me it should help prevent too much bloating.  My wt has stayed very steady which I find very annoying but I want to stay rational, the extra wt will come off eventually from adopting healthier habits.  Right??? Rational thoughts, rational thoughts! So for today I must drink a minimum of 3 of my water bottles. Eat normal portion sizes of food. Eat a minimum of 25 grams of fiber. That is it, ofcourse I have other ideas like not eating crap food but I don't want to focus on that for right now.  I think all of that will fall into place as I gain a healthier relationship with food.  I hope that preplanning exactly what I am going to make when I get home will help.  My danger time is after work, always.  So I need to focus on that time today.  You know what is annoying?  Knowing that I am focussing on food right now because I feel like the rest of my life is too crazy to put in order.  But it is true and I can't deny it. I say I am going to put things in order and I just give up. I tell myself its easier to just stay still and not change, but really its not. Its just an excuse. I need to get things going and stop wasting time. So today after work I am going to have a yummy salad like I planned and then put my cloths away. It seems little but that step is an important one for me because it will then lead to cleaning the bedroom, which leads to filing my paperwork and so on. So that is today. Eat salad Drink water Put clothes away Sounds fun right?

Being rational is hard!

So my personal goal as of late has been trying to find a balance.  A balance in all aspects of my life.  I am finding it hard to not eat due to emoitions as I use carbohydrates like a drug.  I have found it is possible when I keep certain foods out of my house, but somethings just show up!  I have to keep my resolve however many times I might slip and learn from each slip.  Lesson one:  cookies are too yummy to eat just one, as is chocolate.  My lesson from that is that those are "sometimes" foods.  Food that I will eat, but not all the time and not in an uncontrolable manor.  For now that means I need to keep my surroundings bursting with "real" food.  One thing I have been doing is buying food that will spoil like salad ingreedients and since I don't want them to go to waste I prepare them.  Today I made myself eat my carrots at work before any of my other food because I have had them for several days.  Now that I am hungry and I am going to have a 2 cup serving of the soup I made this morning.  It has about 10 grams of protein and 12 grams of fiber so it is very filling and I hope this newly revised version tastes good! Ok time to eat before it gets too crazy here at work.

Emoitions run wild!

Wow since I wrote last I think I have felt every emoition!  Let's see I left work and when I got home I was so angry at my husband.  He had taken some over the counter meds with his regular meds and they made him oblivious to the fact that he is a grown up.  I basically gave him the silent treatment most of the day, I instead of spending time with him I went to our room to be alone and then I went to sleep and stayed that way til thenext morning!  Well that was valentines day which is also his birthday.  So I had a loose plan in my head of what we would do and it turned out awesome.  Let's see breakfast out at his favorite place, bought him sneakers, got him a new cellphone, a tatoo, and then dinner another of hi favorite places.  He was so happy he cried, he said it was his best birthday ever.  I also gave him our sexy present.  It sounds lame but I read about it in a magizine and did it another time and he loved it.  You put 104 stones or marbles in a pretty container, 2 stones for each week in a year.  Then when ever you want you take a stone out and place it somewhere the other person will find it. That means that in the next 24 hours you plan on having sex. Like I said cheesey but it is fun and he loved it last time I set it up. I did work up enough engery to buy 2 pairs of jeans when we were out shoping. I knew exactly what I wanted and didn't try anything on until I found what I wanted. I went into a ton of stores and found things close but not exactly so I had a back up if I couldn't get what I really wanted. But then I found what I wanted: skinny jeans with a midrise and five real pockets, no fake pockets! I got them in grey and black so I could wear them to work and the size was perfect. They are a bit tighter than I would normally get but I am a bit heavier right now so they will fit better soon. I am wearing my gray ones now and I love them. I feel like I look big in them but I am trying to be rational and remind myself that my eyes don't really see ME. Well ladies I hope your week went well and that everyone enjoys the weekend as it is back to healthy eating for me. Which reminds me I need to make a pot of soup when I get home, yum!

17 years...

It occurred to me yesterday while I was driving home from work that 17 years ago this week I went on a diet. That was when the fire was started on my ED. I had been slowly building up to it, looking back I can see that disordered behaviors started around 8. But at age 14 the week before Valentines Day I thought I should lose about 10lbs. I wasn't content with 10 so I kept going. In the past 17 years I can pick out 2 summers that I was comfortable with my body, 2 out of 17. So it is time to be what I want. I want to be a grown up woman Who is in control of her life Who feels comfortable in her skin Who lives a full life Who doesn't hold herself back Who isn't scared of messing up I am tired of pretending. The mask I wear is very realistic but I know it is fake. It is time to stop and actually BE.

Tryiing to stay positive.

While things are okay I am trying to keep a positive state of mind.  Yesterday went well overall, work was good and so was hubby.  I did not get as much sleep as I wanted but that wasn't too big of a deal.  Hubby saw his psy dr and was given a new medication which I will pick up on my way home from work, hopefully we will see an improvement.  I also asked him to consider going to a support group for families dealing with mental health issues and he seemed open to the idea and will think about it.  I think it would be good for us.  One thing is taking up negative space right now in my mind.  Hubby had a MRI last week and the dr himself called and left a message.  Now its odd for a few reasons: The dr didn't order the MRI his physician assistant did He hasn't actually seen the dr in months The office has never called us after pass MRIs we normally just review it at his next visit. So I am a bit worried but I am trying to push to the back of my mind until I leave work and can all the office. Foodwise I have been eating and reacting to food almost like a normal person, which has been weird.  I didn't stick to all healthy foods like I wanted to instead I did eat pizza and have some junk food here and there.  And it was ok. Weird I know.  My wt last week was stable and I didn't eat till I hurt, sure I ate more pizza then a person should but again nothing that would seem odd to anyone else.  So for this week I am aiming to drink more water, about 100oz or so, mainly to help with the bloating from salt last week. I am also going to try that crazy thing called moderation. I am normally not very good at that so I am going to avoid certain things that are hard not to over eat but I think I will be having a meal out and I want to enjoy it while not bingeing. I have one other tough situation this week. I ned to buy a pair of jeans, skinny jeans at that. Now I hate shopping for pants more than any other clothing but my old pair actually fell apart last week and since they were my Friday work jeans/ jeans to wear with knee high boots or nice top, I need to replace them. So knowing that I have to try on pants at the end of the week makes me want to try to lose wt but I know I shouldn't. Well I hope the week is going well for everyone!

Bronkaid

So on my way to work I noticed how elevated my mood was compared to the past week or so.  I had taken a week off from taking bronkaid, which is an asthma medication technically.  I take it for a completly different reason however, it is a stimulate and kills my hunger. The neat thing is that if I take a break from it, like a week or longer, when I start taking it I end up in a much more positive state of mind. I wish it would last. Anyway.... I have been feeling pretty crappy more and more of the time and today has felt so much better. It also helps that work has been fun, I have three guys working with me watching patients because we have 25% of our unit on special precautions. So it has been fun night even with patients running all over the place naked and the old man hitting on me. I have been meaning to really write an update but since my husband is not aware of this blog I only write while at work. Today I have to bring my husband to his psy dr and I really hope the dr adjusts his meds. He has not been right since he went off his geodon and that was in June. Shit all the patients are awake I have to go.

Learning curve

Well I refuse to look at this past week as a failure.  I was able to eat many healthy, delicious, and nutritious meals which is a great thing.  My weak points I have identified and I need to come up with ways to handle them.  I didn't gain or lose any wt even with my slips. Since I work at an inpatient psy hospital my coworkers and I will talk about what dx are the hardest patients. Most people find either borderline personality disorder, manic stage bipolar, or detox patients the hardest to deal with but for me its ED patients. I mean any other disorder you can give a person medicine to calm them down or make them more comfortable but us EDs, we just can't be satisfied. Plus I feel like a hypocrite when I am suppose to be setting a good example. Only one female coworker knows that I "used to" have an ED and we don't ork the same shift anymore, but I don't actively hide it but once in awhile I will slip and say something. Most people would think I was joking when I say "please don't leave cake with the binge eater", ha ha so funny right? Anyway I feel this week I did better than the week before and that is what I am focusing on. Improving.

Two strikes

Ok day three of my goal to not eat for the wrong reasons and I am determined to stick with it.  My downfall the first two days was cereal, no surprise.  But to look at the positive side I didn't really go too crazy, I ate great until I came home from work both days.  Unfortunatly, I did end up eating cereal once I was home, which I ate too big of a portion.  If I had not overeaten I would count it against me but I did. So fresh start.  I brought a salad for lunch and some salsa chicken and before I left for work I portioned out my meal for when I get home.  I will have no reason to grab anything else.  I even planned my snack of sunflower seeds knowing that I really want to eat them.  With all my planning I will have 30 grams of fiber so I will not feel hungry that is certain!  I tried to plan around all possibilities so I have a 200calorie saftey net, I am eating flavorful foods, and I planned for my sunflower seeds. I love planning, its following that is hard! Well another thing that had me feeling odd this week is a new patient. An ED patient who OD'ed. So that's nice huh? I did her intake and had to go through her belongings. I knew what t look for and I found them, laxitives. The strangest thing for me was getting her wt. She knew exactly what it would be, no shock there, but she is about my wt and ht. That was weird. When you look at her you can see it, the ED that is. Anyone else ever had this kind of experience? You find out someones wt/ht and it is the same as yours but you feel you look nothing like that? Anyway that has had me one edge all week, she is here on an involentary commitment. Its just is creeping me out. Later ladies