124

God I am bored of his number. I am greatful that is not swinging from high to low and back again but I have to break through to the other side (thanks "the doors"). Last week I was off my normal routine of night shift due to training during the day. But I am back on nights again which I love. I know a lot of people don't like night shift hours but it gives me my very nessesary ME time. Most nights at work I spend 4 hours working and 4 hours reading or blogging, although I also balance my check book and other things too. Not having any veg out time last week sucked.
So now back to the important plan to lose as much wt as possible before new years sneeks up on me. I still don't know what I am wearing, I have two dresses but I don't really love either of them so I can't really make a decision. Oh and I don't have shoes to wear and I am way too broke to buy a pair. I can't even get gas for the car until Friday when I get paid. That is also the day I have to go christmas shopping. Sounds like fun right? Oh well.
So today my game plan is to take in as few calories as possible (duh). I took the bronk and no doz combo before work and I will take another combo at 3:30 and maybe again at 8:30. Not really sure though since I have an appointment at 10 and then I want to go to bed by 1 or 2 the latest. I will play it by ear though. Ugh. I can't believe I have shop this weekend. Oh well.

shit

So my very supportive husband had pizza 3x this week, you know after I told him how hard it is fr me not to binge. His answer- you can can have one or two slices! Really sweetie? Is that why I am still in therapy after 13 years? Hejust doesn't get it because when we first started dating I was eating like a normal person, I call it my reprive from being crazy. Well that time is long gone and he can't wrap his head around the consept of trigger foods or lack of portion control. So here I am stil in bouncing between 123.1 and 124.7. Yay. But I am a planer who craves control so here is my plan:
Wake up take bronk
Go to work-eat the bare minium (maybe pretzels or fiber bar)
Take bronk around 5 or 6 am
Go home have something small to eat to appease hubby if I have to
Take bronk before going to visit family for lunch
Eat lunch with family- as little as possible
Go home and try not to eat before I crash and go to sleep

Well the plan written out sounds fine its just implemnting that gets hard. Family meat will most likely be a pasta dish of some sort and I can have a toasted cheese sandwhich after work for under 200 cals. Ugh

Fuck I also forgot to take my prozac before I left for work so I need to take that as soon as I get home. I realy wish I could get my meds changed or adjusted. I have had no motivation for life for months now. Even small things like balencing the check book, calling for appointments, and putting clothes away have been a struggle to do. I need to do atleast one of these pesky tasks a day to feel like a functioning adult. I reaaly suck at this being an adult crap. Well that's not true I did do all of this crap up until last jun
e or so when I just became burned out. I guess you can only survive in over drive/full speed for so long before the engine dies. But maybe forcing my self to dob some of these things will get me feeling better.
As for now I feel like a omie who can't get anything done.
You know what this is dumb my husband can do some of this shit. I am going to make a list and give him some shit to do. He is now able to do some of this shit now and its time he starts. Ok now I feel a bit better. Although I still want a pause botton for life.

fail fail fail

I was able to handle a wine tour with tons of calories everywhere but now a normal week is fucking me over. I have some foods that start me on a bad cycle and I eat them and all hell breaks loose. So I will be good I will lose wt. I will be good I will losse wt.
I am thinking I am going to try and sleep as long as I can because I can't eat then.

Has anyone seen the new series that Tracey Gold has on the lifetime chanel called starving secrets? Its like intervention for eating disorders. It kind of lame but when I watch something like that I can eat and zone out so it helpful.
Eh there is no order in this post, maybe its the xanax I took but I am ready for bed.

123.1

Yes! I survived the weekend. The wine trip I went on with the other 14 ladies was not as challenging as I thought it would be. Started off with a plain 1/2 a bagel that I scooped the dough out of so I only ate the thin part. I then started on the alcohol. In total I had 5 or 6 jello shots, a mamosa, and tasted atleast 30 wines throught the day. I did eat 1/2 a grilled chicken sandwhich with some french fries. I also had snacks on the bus once I got a bit tipsy. I then threw up in a bucket on the bus which was gross. It was gross because *warning tmi* I could still smell the wine and I couldn't dump the bucket right away so I hadb tob hold the bucket. Its sad but I was so happy to puke because I was worried about all those calories. I know it wasn't much but it was enough to have lost a lb. Now I have to keep it going til new years eve for the wedding. I don't think I will be down to 115 like I wanted but I will be trying to get as low as possible.
My husband said he would b supportive and not keep asking for pizza and donuts, yet this week he got pizza 2x and bought a ton of junk food. He did eat most of it fairly quickly but its kind of annoying that he said one thing and did another. I just have to be strong. Today has the potenial to be a good day. I have already had a serving of my soup for 230 cals and I am going to try not to eat anything else until I get home. If I need I have a kashi bar and a fiber bar as backup. If I am able to stay on target I should be able to get a decent loss.
Well I am at work so I better get off this and you know pretend I am working.

day off

Wow a day off feels so good. I stayed awake for 20 hours and then passed out for 12 hours it was awesome! I was able to spend all that time with my husband and tomorrow I go on a wine trip with my soon to be sister in law and all her friends. I have never been on a wine tour and I don't even like wine but I really wanted to go with all of them. I think I will have a good time but I feel a bit weird since I really only know a few of the girls. I don't even know what to wear. The girls got long sleeve shirts made for us so it is a relaxed trip. I was thinking skinny jeans with my uggs or black boots. The uggs are nice and warm but I don't know if it will be muddy and I will not let them get ruined. They were a gift- I am way too cheap and broke to have bought real ones.
My other worry is that I want to keep taking the bronkaid but I don't know how.it will react with wine. I am only going to be taking sips because I have never liked wine, but hey maybe I will find one that I like. I am not worried about food since I looked at the menu for lunch and there is a grilled chicken salad so that's easy. I am also going to bring a bag of peanuts and pretzels to help soak up the wine between places for the girls. Hopefully all goes well.

124.1

Well I am glad I am down a bit but I am disapointed with myself for how I ate after work yesterday. I went home after work and had a bowl of fruit loops and about a half cup of ice cream. What a wonderful meal right before bed. I realize that my xanax gives me the urge to eat even when I am not hungry so I need to train myself not to graze like a cow anymore. At one point in life I had self control and I need to get it back. Its like a muscle that needs to get more defined.
I went to my work party today and I had a nice time although I ordered a chicken ceasar salad with NO dressing but some how it still had some dressing on it - gross. I don't like most salad dressings so I always tell the waiter no dressing. I ended up eating some of the grilled chicken and a small amount of lettuce but since it wasn't what I wanted I didn't even eat half of it. Now I am at work and I didn't bring anything tob eat; well that's not true I keep a kashi bar and a fiber one bar in my purse at all times just in case. My plan for the next 12 hours (when I go to sleep) is to not eat anything while here at work, have a bowl of cheerios with almond milk before taking my husband to his appointment and if I need to have something else a bag of popcorn. That's it. No excuses or bullshit. I want this wt off me the sooner the better. I think I can get into the 122's for Saturday and stay on target for 115 for new years.
I think I have to go dress shopping for new years eve the dress I have borrowed I don't love. I mean its cute but I think if I get down enough in wt I am going to get a different dress, maybe that can be one of my rewards besides the joy of not looking like a jiggly blob.
You know how I aid I have to start to exercise? Yea that hasn't happened. I am so tired when I get home from work I just want to sit and watch tv with my husband. And as I type this it is snowing, well on my way to work it was, so I will not be going for long walks with my dog - we both don't like the snow. Maybe I can do some squats and things here at work. I have to make sure I am not on camera looking like a fool, and not wake up anybody. Its a thought but so is sitting on my ass and reading til 8:00am. Eh.
Remember ladies hunger is just a feeling and feelings pass...

124.3

Ok I stayed the same too long now! I have been much more slack since Sunday and I need to get strict again. Today is going to be a long odd day so I need a plan:
Eat veggies at work before I leave
Take my med that makes me sleepy on the way home so I go right to sleep
Wake up and shower 6 hours later
Go to work function and eat only a salad
Come home and rest
Go to work
Wow sounds like fun. The only reason I will be awake enough to do all of that crap on such little sleep is that bronkaid and no doz combo. I really don't want to spend any money on food out but I have to go and be social. I will have to take some no doz before I go and hopefully I will be awake enough. I so would rather sleep. Oh well.
Goal for Saturday is 122. I think I can do it and then keep going for new years. I just have to keep wt loss in mind. Even when my husband brings home icecream and other yummy trats I have to stay strong it is worth it.
I also have to get my life together. Its ben on hold for awhile and it needs a kick start. I would love a job like I used to have but its hard with this economy. I just have to start my life myself

124.3

This is so awesome. I can't believe I am losing wt like this, I haven't been able to do this in so so long. I woke up this morning,actual morning since I was off work last night, and I really didn't expect a hugh drop since I had eaten at my mothers house but what a happybsurprise it was. Yesterday I stayed up for 21 hours yet I felt fine for most of it. Yes I was a bit jittery but I was able to avoid food until I was home from work. Once at home I had two handful of cereal which was so yummy! At moms I had 1/2 cup of pasta with sauce and two(!) Slices of garlic bread and 1/2 of a brownie. When I got home I had one bowl of dry cereal, one bowl of cereal with almond milk, and two handfuls of whoppers.
So yup pretty shocked I lost. So today I don't really have much planned except to go to sleep at 3pm or so. That's it. I will most likely have to eat at some point with my husband to make sure he doesn't notice all the rescriting I am doing. When I work it has been so easy, I just avoid EVERYTHING until 5 am and then have one handful/one mouthful or whatever is around and then have something small at home so my husband sees me eat. This bronkaid is fucking awesome! I can't believe how much it works! It has made this so much easier. I can't believe I had been wasting so much money on crappy diet pills when this had been available. How did I not know about this? this is a greatful Thank You to the wonderful women who writes mylifeonthereelz. I think I messed up the name of the blog but I have no idea how to create a link to her blog. But thank you. I feel so good and I know you are not having an easy time right now but you will start to feel better, you have to because of karma, you helped me and you will feel the payback.
I am hopeful that I might even get down to 121 for my little event on this coming Saturday and wow I can only hope to be around 115 or less for new years eves big event.

125.1

Wow I can't believe my wt was that low when I got on the scale. I was hoping for 125.4 but yay. I didn't really eat yesterday. Instead I didn't eat at work, I came home and didn't eat a real meal I had a handful of pretzels and 75% of a bag fat free popcorn. So far today I haven't eaten just drank some crystal light. I am not sure how today will go but I have to go to visit my family and before that I want to put up our christmas tree. I want to get the tree up so that we can decorate it when we get the ornimants from my parents. This will be our first tree together so I am very excited which is really lame but I dont care. I know that I will have to eat at my parens so I don't know what I should do before then. I want to have my soup but I am wondering if I can forgo food until I get to my parents house, its just a power trip to see if I can do it. Humm, not sure.
I never took my walk yesterday but I did dye my hair so it is blue black again. I love it.
Well I better sign off since I am at work and I can't stop and start writing on this blog.

opps

I couldn't get back to the blog so I had to publish it. But I wanted to write how much better I am feeling. I guess antidepressants and stimulants work very well together.

125.8

I am so happy to see ths scale go down finally! Yesterday went so well food wise, I was ble to stay under 400cals for the day without my husband even noticing. I had a toasted cheese sandwhich (two slices of bread, two slices of fat free cheese) while he ate a hugh hoagie. I need to figure out how much lower I can be in one week,maybe shhot for 123? I want more loss but I guess I should be realistic.
Todays goals are:
No mindless munching (no handfuls of whatever is around)
Take the dog for a one mile walk
Keep calories under 500

And maybe
Dye my hair
Put away all my clothes

Well that's the plan I just have to stay motivated to get shit done. I have to say the bronkaid is awesome. I even feel like it is helping with my depression and giving me more energy. I leave work at 8:30am and I feel like I can actually do things after work. I want to go for a walk and clean up my room. I have even gone out and stayed awake with energy til 2 or 3pm. I haven't felt this good in a long while.

126.3

Yay! Finally a decent loss. Yesterday was easy, wish everyday would be. I took 1 bronkaid and 1 caffiene pill at 10:30pm and another dosage at 4am. The only thing I ate at work were a few almonds and a handful of caramel popcorn (label says 110cals). When I went home I had two servings of fake cheerios with unsweetened almond milk (less than 300cals). I can't say they make me not hungry; instead I feel hungry for a bit and take a large amount of water and then feel fine for awhile again. Even right now I am slightly hungry but I am going to drink another 16oz of water and then wait til around 4 or 5am to take another dose. I brought my soup which has 120 cals which means when I get home I can have a bowl of cereal for my final meal of the day.
I am so hopeful that I will be in the 125's for Saturday and by next Saturday I am hoping for 123, I just don't want to be disappointed in myself.

bronaid

128 at work with scrubs on. 127.1 at home before work. It was 126.9 yesterday morning so I know my scale is not broken, its me. But thanks to fellow bloggers I have been introduced to bronkaid, which then had me do a google search, and ask my brither about. The final verdict was to buy it. I have to lose a minimum of ten lbs by 12/29. Big event fo new years invovling wearing a dress and I refuse to look like crap!
In 10 days I have a smaller event but I realized I will be the oldest person in the group (they are all in their 20s) so I want to look good. The skinniest one just had a baby and the two girls I know one is my size the other is slightly bigger. That is if they haven't lost any wt. So let's see how much I can lose in 10 days and then in 18 days. Maybe 5lbs in 10 days and then aim for 10lbs? I know that is pushing it but I have to aim high.
So I took one dosage of brokaid with caffeine and I think I will take a second dose later on since I will be with my mother in the morning, which means food. GAME PLAN: 2nd dosage at 3 or 4 and have my soup. Then maybe a 3rd dosage sine I will have to go out to eat with my mom? I will wait and see. Breakfast with mom can be eggs (egg whites) and maybe a fruit serving? I don't know what I will find on the menu where she wants to go. So fruit or maybe a slice of oast, no butter. Eh we will see.
All I know is when I get on the scale next it better be down atleast .5lbs.

127.2

At home the scale finally moved. 127.2 is still horrible but it is down. I didn't fast yesterday, I have been working too many hours this past week. I had my soup yesterday and then went home and had 2 bowls of fake cherrios with unsweeten almond milk. I wanted donuts so bad but I couldn't physically get out of the car and buy them, that is how tired I was yesterday. I am off work the next two days and I will not be coming in for thbe overtime. I just can't. I am worn out. I can't wait to sleep for 10hours and just not wake up to an alarm. Maybe I will stay up today until 6 or 7 tonight and then just sleep or should I take a nap for a bit and stay up late with my hubby. The last time I took a nap I woke up and couldn't stay awake. I guess it will just depend.

fuck

What the hell! I have stayed the same wt for so long I can't believe it. I have been eating less and less and nothing! So when I wt myself a few hours ago when I woke up and it was 127.9!?!? Fuck. So I just got to work and I was 129. I am pissed and hungry too. I was thinking of fasting today but it maks me grumpy and I already am in a pissy mood. Maybe I will just do like 500cals or something for a few days. If I do it today(Saturday) and Sunday since I am working it won't be too hard. I just can't believe how fat I let myself get. FUCK. Myb legs look gross. My back has FAT on it. My stomach is hugh. You know the normal fat fat fat!

128.5

Ok I just wt myself at work and it is about 128.5. I say about because it is the old fashion kind and not a digetal one. So I guess I will kept wt here even though I am worried someone might see me. I have to take off my hoodie, take off my shoes, my glasses and empty my pockets. I can just imagine what that would be like. So now I will use my scale (which I didn't mark its place) and my work one.
So today I must take the time to mark where the scale should sit.
Today is thanksgiving and I will be going to my moms, so much food! Luckily my favorite stuff for the holiday is lower in calories.

White meat turkey/no gravey
Plain corn with a tiny bit of mashed potatoes (the potatoes are really fattening)
Chocolate pudding pie(sugar free pudding with lowfat pie crust)
So not to bad hopefully I won't gain anything for tonight.

i hate my scale

This scale situation is driving me crazy, I have nothing to go by in terms of progress. I just wt myself here at work with the old school dr office scale and it was 129. I have had 48oz of water so far but no food. At home my scale is all over the place from 125 to 130.4? How can I utilize that kind of information? Unfortunatly I noticed how big my legs have become. I used to be able to circle my legs with my hands almost all the way up, now not so m. Now uch. I mean I can do it right above my knees but that is it. I can't believe I let it get this bad again. I guess my only solance is that I have done it before and I WILL do it again. I need to get down to atleast 110lbs. And that is going to be on my scale, my old one my mom has or the one here at work. I don't care as of right now which one. I went after work to walmart to buy diet pills because the ones I purcased last week did nothing for me. I got a blue bottle of zantracs? I can't spell for shit but it is the same brand of he red ones from last week and I know these work since I have used them before. I wish I could take something strong like really strong to lose 20lbs before new years. I guess I will just have to do the standard eat as little as possible and hope and pray for ab noticeable loss. I can't belive my awesome new scale is broken! My other worry is that maybe its not broken and it is just that my apartment is off balence so when I step on it depending where it is I get a different number. When I get home I am going to have to mark where it should be each time I use it. I don't know how I will do that as to not have my husband see what I am doing. Its sometimes but not to say everything that runs through your mind. I have yet to eat and I am half way through my shift here at work. I have my homemade soup that has 234 cals and 13gram of fiber(I need to get my digestive track working again) and a coworker brought in donuts from my favorite place. She had anothr coworker but one to the side for me. 210cals is not a hugh amount but I have no control I usally eat 6 of those or start with one and go on to continue to binge. I hate this. I need to control myself and not be gross. Well that's all for now. 4:17 am no calories yet.

crap

I am going crazy. My scale is lying to me everytime I step on it. To make myself feel more in control I took my measurements. I am going to measure myself every two weeks until I get back to the size I was at my smallest. When different pants fit I know I have lost inches. That might be the only way I will be able to noticed. I really just want my scale to work. This sucks. In other news I didn't have a bm in about a week so I took 6 laxitives and went to bed. I woke up with crazy cramps and so far at work I have had 3 bms. So it was effective. Unlike the diet pills I bought that seem to do nothing. They don't even make me pee or give me energy, what a waste. I am going to buy a new bottle of pills but I wil have to figure out which ones to get.

my scale is broken i think

I think my scale is broken. I stepped on it 3 times and got a different wts. I have been eating less than 900cals per day and chugging water like crazy. This sucks how can I track my progress? I can't buy a new scale because its still pretty new. I changed the batteries and I thought that would fix it but I guess not.
125 is what it was reading then 130 127.6 pretty much all over the place.
This afternoon my husand got all loopy. He was driving me crazy, he dropped his water bottle, knocked down his crap everywhere and was talking without making sense. Grr

hungry

Well I am at under 400cals for the day and I just need to eat something small before I go t bed. Thank god I am finaly done with my errands.

opps

I saved the post I was working on by mistake oh well. I found a nail file in my purse so I can type how I normally can. I wish I had some carrots to munch on right now but instead my coworkers brought pie and reddi whip in. Really?! Luckey me I don't like fruit pies but I do love reddi whip. I just have to stay on track. Maybe I can avoid eating my soup till 6 or 7 so that when I get home I won't be hungry, well even if I am I just have to think about the pay off. I can't be this t for new years, I must get back down! No excuses.

really?

How is it that I had less than 800cals and I didn't lose wt? Well if my body wants to play games fine I will play too. So far today I have had less than 200cals. I have my soup here at work but i will not have it unil 6am the earlest.
I cut my nails yesterday and my one thumb nail is typing funny, I can't type as fast as inormally do and it is really bothering me!

126.3

Ug I feel like a fat ass for being happy with getting "down to" 126.3. I can't believe I let myself get this fat again. I have four weeks until a all girls day out at which I MUST be at 120lbs. Or less. Then three weeks unitl new years where I would like to be 116lb.s. that is still way too much but it will have to do I guess. I have to get back to 110 and then 103 and then 99!
126=22.3
120=21.3
116=20.5
110=19.5
105=18.6
So 20lbs is what I have to lose and then a few more for insurance.

128 ugh

Ok I did really well yesterday, I stayed under 1000cals but the last thing I ate was high in sodium so I guess I was a bit bloated on the scale. Tonight I came into work early and I am hungry but I can't stand the idea of being this weight for the family event. Gross. Sob I am trying really hard and I am very motivated to be back at 110 by new years eve. I know I look good there even if I want to be lower 110 is the first major goal. Seven weeks so it would be 2.5lbs a week. That will be hard but 2lbs a week would be 114 which isn't horrible but ok. My stomach is growling right now but I am going to wait till2 am to eat and have my homemade high fiber soup. I also have a banana, a fiber bar and a kashi bar for later on but I want to space it all out.
More later...

128 ugh

back on track

So I got a new phone and I like it but the keyboard is hard to get used to. It is going to take awhile to get the hang of it.
My wieght has not been this high in years since I stopped binge eating, sadly I started back. But I have been doing well for two whole days so I am feeling abit better. Unfortunatly I have a family event this weekend and I don't feel like I can wear the dress I planned to wear.

122

Wt 122
Fm 27.4
F. 22.6
H. 56.5
B. 6.2
BMI 21.5
Not so bad for 2 days of a cleanse to lose 3lbs.

123.1

Not so bad.
123.1
Fm 28.2
F 23
H 56.2
B 6.2
Bmi 21.7

125 fat ass

Ok so I went off track big time and I am suffering the consequences.
Wt 125
Fm 29.3
F 23.5
H 55.8
B 6.2
Bmi 22.1
That is aweful, I was such a pig. First I used the excuse that I was on vacation, then my birthday, and now for the past 3 days I was binge eating. Awesome.
But that means I am now on a fruit and veggies cleanse. As of monday at midnight for atleast 3 days. X is going to start on tuesday and if he does 3 days I will be doing 4 since I started early. Only trouble is I am not in the mood for some of the fruit I like so it might suck a bit. But for work I have 3 bananas and a huge container of carrots an I did still have an apple in the fridge. I ont know if I will eat the apple but we will see.
So after work today I will do a quick visit with my family and then stop at the store to pick up some more produce. Two ays of asking x what he wants at the store an he still hasn't made a list so I will either pick some stuff out for him or wait until he wants to go to the store with me.
I also have to return some books and maybe pick up a new one to read. What a fun day.

fast

Well I decided that I needed to do a fruit veg and nut fast again like I did last year. I started it after I gained about 3lbs of water wt and freaked a bit. I haven't told x that I am doing it. He hasn't been doing too great. We had to put one of our dogs to sleep and it really effected him. On the other hand I had been preparing for it and I feel guilty for being a bit relieved. That dog was a source of a lot of stress and worry and in a horrible way life is a little easier. I love that dog and making that choice to put him to sleep was awful and I cried and felt so horrible for choicing death for him over all his medical problems but I had prepared myself. X and I has come to the desision that if he got that sick again we would do it. I wish he would have stayed healthy but he was not really living.
Anyway...
The first day of the cleanse went great until x wanted to go out to eat. I picked the place and was able to follow my set plan until he kept wanting me to try a bite of this and a bite of that. All of it was good I just didn't want it them. But I did. The second day was super easy and today is day three. I don't know how long I will keep on it but I wanted atleast three days.

119.8

Slowly slowly I am getting back.
Wt:119.8
Fm:25.9
F%:21.7
H%:57.1
B%:6.2
BMI:21.1

120

Wt: 120
Fm: 26.2
F%:21.9
H20:57%
B%:6.2
BMI:21.2

Ok I am headed in the right direction atleast.

my future

So my husband wanted to know why I am not sure now is a good time to have children and I finally told him the truth. I said to him do you remember what happened in March? He did not and didn't want to explain further. If I had continued I would have had to explain that about every three or four months THAT happens. Or that every so often he blacks out and loses a few hours of a day. How can we bring children into this situation?
So now he is upset with me. To be honest I am upset with him, why do I have to be the "rational" one all the time. Thinking about what a situation would really be like, not how we hope it would be. Sure there is a chance that some how we would still be able to pay all of our bills and buy a small house, have a baby or two and have me work while he raised the kids. Is that realistic at all? NO! Why can't he see the truth? I will be over worked while pregnant, freaking out about bills and gaining wt. I would be leaving him with an infant while I have to go back to work missing all the firsts of the childs life. What happens if he blacks out? He isn't even taking care of what we have now, the house is a mess, he doesn't cook meals even weekly anymore, and I help with the animals as much as I can. I also work 6 days a week now for the money.
But today is a new day, he is still asleep and I plan to have feed, medicated and cleaned up after the animals before he wakes up. Hopefully we can hace a nice day together before I have to go to sleep for work. I hope so.

120.4

Wt 120.4
FM 26.4
F% 22
H20 56.9
B% 6.2
BMI 21.2
Slowly getting more comfortable in my eating and how I "see" myself. Sometimes I catch a glimpse of what I would deam a good slim body that I could almost be ok with, but its fleeting and I doubt I would be content for long. My eating has been much more controlled; I have not binged in what seems like forever when really it has been maybe a week. But I have been out to eat with my husband twice to an awesome Asian restaurant that has a habatshi station and I was proud of how I chose to eat. I made a giant pile of veggies to be cooked and finished that before going back to get a few bites of some of the non healthy foods. It wasn't bad at all I felt full. Then two hours later I started to feel gross and too full. I had to remind myself I did not over eat, that I was just over tired. It helped minimally. I do think that I was over tired from working seven straight nights and I didn't want to disappoint X by going to sleep too early in the afternoon. I finally went to sleep at 5:30 PM and slept for 12 hours. It was awesome. I am off tonight so I will be able to spend time with X which will be really nice.
I also tried on some summer clothes and my magical blue shorts - the ones I wore the summer I felt comfortable in my body- fit, sort of that is. I was able to put them on zip and button them but I had such a muffin top I would wear them yet. But they are a great marker for how I want my body to look. When they fit properly I think I will feel better.

121.4 goals for the month

Wt:121.4
Fat mass:27.1
Fat percentage:22.4
H2O:56.6
Bone mass:6.2
Bmi:21.4

Ok so I have a goal for myself for 7/9 to be 115lbs. That is 3 weeks away and 2lbs per week. That is not a lot at all to shoot for at this time.
.........
So I told my therapist this week that my "eating disorder" traits have been more and more prevalent. In turn she upped my xanax. she thinks it is anxiety that is stressing me out and causing me to focus on food and the scale. They (yup I see two people) are right but Icant really change much in my life so I have to deal or change, not sure which one will happen.
Night shift nurses stations are toxic, who thinks it is a good idea to eat pizza at 3:30 am? I took a few bites and tossed the rest, I have goals and can't be derailed for rehearted pizza.
On a good note I started new diet pills that seem pretty good. I don't expect a miricle just 6lbs to go away!

122.8

Not where I wanted to be wt wise but after three days off with lots of deviation from wt loss eating, its a surprise I am not heavier. The past is the past though. So far today I am doing well and have a good plan for my eating. I already had "breakfast" a homemade quesidilla and an apple. I brought to work a HUGE salad that has chickpeas(1/2 cup) and string cheese in it. And after work I plan on having a roast beef wrap. I will most likley have to add something else in after work but before bed but that is not set yet.
It is amazing to me that my husband doesn't see how I am struggling. He sugested I pick up a dozen donuts the other day not to mention eating out the day before and after the donuts. Nah that's just fine. No big deal. I have tried to explain to him that I think about this crap all the time but he just doesn't get it. All I have to do is get back to 113 and I will feel better.
I hope.

back on track!

Ok I am ready and determined to get my wt back down to atleast 113. I am pissed off that some of my clothes from last summer are not going to fit me at this wt. I have spent the last few months at a steady wt while I "cleaned up" my eating. No more diet soda, no aspertame, no high fructose corn syrup. I am even going to be giving up splenda now that I have used it all up at home.
By 7/4 I want to be a 113. That gives me a goal to work for which is helpful. My plan for the days I work is to not eat before work and instead bring a salad and a banana or two with me. I can eat that here and when I get home I will have a wrap or ONE bowl of kashi with almond milk. The cereal is still tough for me, I normally eat way too much of it and end up mad at myself so I need a back up plan like the wrap. I don't forsee this plan being hard to follow at work, once in awhile people will bring in food but I can't binge in front of other people so that will keep me in check. The hardest part is once I leave work. From 8:30 until 2. I have to get back my strong wiipower. If I have lost in the past I can lose now.

it didnt save

Ugh I wrote a long post about everything I wanted to let out and it didn't save. So let's try again.
So x and I have been talking about having kids and I was really really contimplating what life would be like. Would I work a full time job and come home to x and a baby with all the housework done and taken care or or would I have to come home take care of the animals, clean the house, do laundry and care for him and a child? My thoughts drifted back and forth of what would happen and the Saturday morning happened. Let me start from the begining. I work from midnight til 8:30 am. I sleep for most of the afternoona nd evening before work but x had a dr appointment friday afternoon that I had to take him to so I went to bed late. Ok so I woke up went to work then to walmart. I had to fill four rx's for x so while there I picked up dog food and some other things, stuff we needed but also things I knew x would enjoy. So by the time I pull up to my townhouse it is 10am. I take most of the bags out of the car and bring them inside. I open the door and got annoyed. X hadn't feed the dogs aor given the one his meds yet or cleaned up the puppie papers. Since the dogs were hungry they were runing around and knocking things down. I was angry and fustrated and I yelled loudly. I shouldn't have since it wasn't the dogs fault I was angry. I went outside and grabbed the dog food bag and a bag with 5 bottles of soda and a box of crakers. I brought that inside and as I close the door x comes downstairs and asks why I didn't tell him that I needed help with the bags. I said because I thought you were asleep. He told me he was awake and would have helped. That annoyed me because if he was awake why didn't he feed an take care of the dogs!? So then he says "an don't ever yell at the dog like that again, ok?" Well I replied "no not ok" and I turned around to face him. That is when he slapped me. HARD. After that it was like a fucking lifetime movie, I was crying he was aployigising and the whole thing was a mess. So I go and take one mg of xanax and ttry to relax because I had to drive x to a few towns over and wait for him and then drive him home before I can go to bed. So we do that and he is still aployigizing and begging me to not be mad at him. So I finally get to go to sleep (later then I like to go to sleep) and he ends up waking me up an hour before my alarm is set so that I can give him some of his pills jhe can't be in control of because he takes too many. I couldn't go back to sleep so I ended up sleeping for 5 hours before coming to work. Now I am tired, my stomach hurts from being upset and I want to be alone laying in my bed. But here I am at work.
In the morning after work I have to stop at my parents house and then drive x around and I won't get back to the house until atleast 4pm. So 12 more hours of this. Ugh.

really?

What the hell am I doing? I am going to be 30 this summer, this is not the life I expected. There are a lot of positives that I never expected which is great but then there is the other stuff. I am talking about the stuff that if I knew it was going on in the life of someone I knew I would be devastated and shocked. X and I have been talking about having children- I started to visualize what life would be like. I have two very different

again

He slapped me.

124

Much better. I stayed on track and was rewarded with a 3lb drop! Now I just have to keep that in my head. I couldn't sleep so now I am awake too early and I am hungry. This sucks. My plan was to sleep until 10 and not eat until I got to work, but instead I woke up at 5 and at 6 and dozed for abit but not really. So tired and hungry what a great combo.

127 i just cant

I tried to be healthy and eat like a normal person but come on! 127! That is just not aceptable to me at all. So I have a new plan. Really so much has changed since I last wrote; I have a job on night shift so I wt myself at 11pm at night and that is my "morning" wt. It was 127 last night so my new plan started immeaditly. Basically I have two fiber bars and two southbeach bars at work with atleast four of the diet pills and maybe a diuretic. Then when I get home at 9am I either have to run erands or relax until noon. At some point I need to eat my "dinner" so I bought a few frzen meals all of which are 230-300kcals. If I stick to this I know it will work. The tricky time has always beeb after work for me, but now it should be easier since I can't eat with my husband.
I know my wt last night was due in part to the sodium the day before, chinese food. I have been peeing my brains out at work which makes me feel a bit better. I know that if I stay on my plan tonight I will see the pay off. I have that wired wide awake feeling from the diet pills which feels so comforting. Its sad I guess I missed it.
I have been feeling so many feelings since not dieting and I can't handle it. Guilt,sadness, fear, its all inside of me and has been pushing up out of me. I read somewhere that scientist are working on a drug that would earse bad memories and I wonder what that would be like?
Til next time.