Honesty

Yesterday I went to my therapy session and I was honest.   Sounds simple enough but it isn't for me.  I normally downplay what is going wrong with regards to my husband's illness and limitations.   But I have to start facing reality,  I don't feel like I am in a marriage.   I haven't in a long time now, I am his best friend and caretaker,  but that's it.  We don't act married.   He doesn't act like a husband and I don't act like a wife.   I love him.  But he is incapable of being a husband and partner.   I am aware that I have been trying to get him to be the man I want but he hasn't been able to be that person.   That leaves me mad and frustrated with him and that isn't fair to him.  Especially since I don't think he can be the partner I long for.   For example:  I went to work for my midnight shift at the hospital and then went to my appointment.   When I came home the kitchen floor was a gross mess.  One of the dogs had gone pee pee and the a big pile of cat litter was outside the box and needed to be changed.   I told him for 2 days that we needed to change the cat box by Wednesday night for our garbage pick up.   So I went home and sweeped the floor and then mopped up the mess.  I asked him if he could change the cat box at some point and at first he said No.  I fully expected that answer and went to start cleaning as I walked by him I yawned which actually got his attention.   He said that he would clean up but he couldn't do it just yet.   When I woke up for work I was surprised that it was actually done.  He was asleep on the sofa so I took the two bags of garbage out to the curb and took care of the dogs before I left for work.  And that doesn't sound like much but it is a build up.   He won't take care of the house, clean up after the dogs,  go grocery shopping, make or go to doctor appointments by himself, return phone calls regarding his insurance, and most other responsibilities.   I am 32 years old and I want to Live life.   I plan my whole life around him and his limitations.  I don't have a social life, he isolates from everyone most of the time.  Except during a manic episode, then he is Mr. Social.   He gets these ideas of things to do that have no place in reality. 
      Let's move to California so I can be a wrestler there, I want to get a passport and travel to Japan and work there, I want to take out a business loan and make my own company. 
It is great to dream big, it really is,  but you need to understand that there is a lot of work and repercussions to actually get something going.  
I told my therapist that if I told him I was leaving him I know he would attempt suicide.   She asked if he had ever attempted in the past and again I was honest and said yes.  I told her I signed involuntary commitment papers in 2008 and that on 1/3/13 he sent me a picture while I was at work showing how he had cut himself all around his neck.   I saved the picture because it is on of the things that really made me realize that he was not getting better and that I can't do this.
I don't know what I am going to do but I can't continue to live like this.

That odd feeling

Since I was in training for my new job I haven't had a chance to post anything but tonight was my first night on the job.  So far so good.  Life continues to be bizarre in my normal way.  We celebrated my husband's birthday by going out to eat and his gift is the dog we are fostering we are going to keep.   Our plan is to train this dog to be his best companion.   Always around and able to help calm him down.  
But that is all the normal stuff, in not normal news is the fact that I have been texting my ex boyfriend.  A lot.   He is right now the fantasy in my head with happiness and no drama.   I fully realize that in my head of course it seems awesome but that real life would be drastically different.   But still, when I talk to him it feels so wonderful.   We have stayed up to date with each other throughout the years and I hate how I feel.   But to feel this way again has been so weird.   Talking to him and even thinking about him makes me smile.
It's not even that I want to run away and start a new life.  It's that he is a man.  To me a grown man who can take care of himself and has realistic goals is so refreshing.  
I have been trying so hard the past few weeks to make things better with my husband and I am getting no where.   He lacks any insight into reality.   He complains he is in so much pain but then says he still wants to do the physical stuff that hurt him in the first place.  He wants to get a job but he said he knows some days he wouldn't be able to manage leaving the house.   Oh and he still wants a baby.   Are you kidding me?!  I don't know what I can do. 
I see my counselors next week.   I know what I want to do.   I don't know how I would go about doing it and how I would be able to make sure he continued treatment.   I don't know how anything would go.  My big fear is that he will try to kill himself if I tell him we are over.  I know he would.   He hasn't been stable for so long and I don't know where he could even live.  All I know is right now I am not happy.

Inspiration

I am a horrible person

Well think I have reached my limit regarding my husband's lifestyle.   I have been trying to figure out what my next step will be because I am scared of what he will do if I tell him I can't live like this anymore.  I have decided to really give our relationship as much attention and work as possible for the next month.   If I don't feel like anything but my effort has changed I will at least know I tried everything I could.  I don't like that it has come to this but I don't see any other reasonable solution.   I mean I could just resign myself to just excepting my life as it is but that is not fair to me or him.  So instead I will do everything I can to make it better and try to have hope in the future.   I am determined to not continue to be in a unhappy relationship.