Feelings

I am well aware that I lead two lives.   My public persona and my private life.  My public persona is a pleasant yet snarky.  I am good at my job and care about others.   I visit my grandmother and the rest of my family at least every other week.  And then there is my private self that no one knows about.   I am sad and lonely.   I am am angry and annoyed.   I must drag my body around to fulfill my obligations and the ones I feel I must take of.  I want to lay in my bed, alone or with my dog. 
I switch between the two every day.   On my way to work Josie #1 comes out and for 8 hours I laugh and joke around with my coworkers.   I pretend things are going well.   Then I get in my car and prepare myself for Josie #2 to come out.  I plan my day around my husband's mood and needs and any family obligations.   What do I want to do?  Doesn't matter,  I do what needs to get done.  Some days I sit in my car and I have to work up the energy to get out of my car and start the second half of my day.
I think this ramble of thoughts are running through my mind because my husband is in a hypomanic state right now and he doesn't see it but I know how this will play out.  He gets all these wonderful ideas and wants to run with them no matter how impractical they are in real life.   He wants to make plans to move and he would work for X and oh I can find a job in whatever area he is think of.  Neat except he can't stay on top of basic things like shower everyday or washing dishes.  Same thing with us having children.   Every time my period is due he tells me he hopes I am pregnant and that as soon as we find out I am pregnant he is going to start doing X, Y, and Z.  Last week I just flat out told him that I hate that he says those things because he doesn't do them now.   I just wish he could be grounded in reality more often.  
I have been thinking of the Serenity pray and trying to distinguish what I can change and what I can't.   I can help myself by taking care of my needs.   Less stress,  healthy foods,  rest and fun.
So that is my hope for the New Year.   I am making myself my priority.   I need to take care of myself because no one else will.  
Well that's my epiphany.   And one else planning for a better and healthier year?

Holy shit

So I have been eating very poorly lately and my body definitely is showing that.  I have gained weight to the point that I no longer fit into my clothes I wore last year at this time.  I also have a rash on my stomach that flared up just after I started eating crappy food again.  So it is time to get serious about my health.   This is even beyond the fact my clothes don't fit.  My mom is getting a colonosopy done right now which reminded me about my family history of illness.   Her father had colon cancer but it was the fourth(?) heart attack that actually killed him.  I had very high cholesterol five or six years ago and I got that under control through diet alone.  I am making a promise to myself to take care of myself.   I can't do everything thing I want to do if I don't .  No more fooling around this is my life, my health.  

It's snowing

It is 24 degrees outside and snowing,  perfectly normal weather for December in my part of the USA.  Monday on the other hand it was 62 degrees and sunny. I feel like that is a very drastic change within four days.   So I wanted to ask if anyone else had such strange weather this week?
Anyway,  as the year is coming to an end I am thinking about what changes I want to make in my life.   I feel like 2014 will be a year of big changes for me.  I don't know why I feel this way, but it has been a feeling that is building up inside me. 
I know I want to move out of my apartment.   I really only use my living room,  kitchen, bedroom,  and bathroom. So I want to move and save some money plus my place has many horrible memories attached to it now and I would like a fresh start.  
I applied for a newly posted job here at my company and I really do hope I get it.  The job I have now is fine but thats it just fine.  Moving up is a necessity for my if I want to do anything.   I can't stay still anymore.  
And then there is my marriage.   I have no clue as to what to do.  I play out different scenarios in my head,  debate on my options and then do nothing. I know what I would tell a friend to do but for me I just don't know.   I need a crystal ball or maybe a magic 8 ball.

Slightly better

I'm feeling slightly better right now compared to my last post a few hours earlier. Sleep helped and I did talk to the lady at the rescue and she explained that emotionally she was spent also. She was very stressed out and just caught off guard. The poor dog either has something stuck in his throat or he could have kennel cough. I have antibiotics to give him today if he is still coughing. He has had the weird cough for 24 hours now which doesn't seem like a long time but due to him having heart worm treatment and the intensity of th coughing I didn't want to take any chances. This dog is so wonderful it is crazy to think that the was going to be "put down", just because he was at the shelter too long. He is house trained, great with other animals and so sweet. He will make a great family dog.

So tired

Ever get so tired that you will cry at the drop of a hat? That is how I feel right now. I know I am tired because I didn't sleep much today with things going on and emotionally I am tired also. I slept for about one hour today and then my husband woke me up because our foster dog wouldn't stop coughing. We did know if he had something stuck in his throat or if he was sick from his heart worm treatment. I panicked and brought him to the emergency vet to get checked out. I should have called the head of the rescue first to let her know what was happening. Instead I called her once the vet saw him. She was not pleased with that. I could hear her on the phone with the vet and I started to get upset myself. So right now as I sit in the office of the vet my eyes keep welling up. I want to crawl in bed and cry. She wasn't mean or anything but I just am so emotional right now. At least my dog is ok and just needs antibiotics.

Looking back Looking forward

So right now I am on the teen unit of the hospital watching a girl with an ED. She is on LOV line of vision to ensure her safety and her peers safety. She was kicked out of a treatment facility because she was doing some self harm and threatening staff. I am wrong for thinking that a place that treats EDs should be able to handle that and actually expect so of that to happen? Well that got me all reflective about my life. It's time to get living. I have been at this job for three years and not doing anything to move forward in life. Today the job I want has been posted so I MUST fill out the application. I know I am qualified and that I can do the job. I need to move forward. Things with my husband have been good then bad then really bad then ok then good and now back to ok. It is time that I make plans for him if I feel I can't live with him anymore. Sunday was one of those days. I need to know what I should do if that ever happens again. I am not letting myself go through that ever again. 2014 will be different.

I have not been able to write for a while due to my work schedule but things are back to my normal. This past week I had three days of training which were held during normal day time. Switching from night shift to day shift and then back to night shift is hard. I have yet to perfect the amount of sleep I need or even eating normal. But I am back on my regular schedule now. Since I posted last all the normal stuff continued in my life. The most interesting thing that happened was having my foster dog get adopted on Monday. She was our fourth foster dog and Sunday ware going to take in number 5! It has been really neat to bring these dogs home and get them comfortable living with a family. It has been hard, some days I didn't want to do anything and that includes taking a dog for a walk. But I love it. Once a foster dog gets adopted I normally have sometime before the next group of dogs come in and I noticed I really missed a third animal in the house. I want to focus on living the life I really want. That means living a healthy lifestyle and enjoying different opportunities. I am tired of just existing. I want to live a fun exciting life. I want to feel like I am moving forward in life not staying still. So I am going to actually map out some goals for the new year. Once I figure them out I will be posting them.

New phone

Well I got my new phone today and once I figure out how to use it I know I will love it! This is the first time I have ever had the "newest" phone from a company. I hate the first week with a new phone not knowing how to use anything. I am trying to listen to my music and I think I have found how to do it but it seems to be slow. I guess I should read the booklet. Once I figure more out I will write a real post.

C.R.E.W.S.

My motto:
Cardio
Relax
Eat clean
Weights
Stay Positive

I am hoping that repeatingthis in my head will make everything seem easier.

One day closer

Well I am trying to keep my goals in my mind so that I can make them a habit.  I did a halfway decent job yesterday.  I did make my soup, I ate 1 healthy/real meal (at my parents house!) But I did not go for my walk.  I was going to but the soup took longer to make than I thought it would.  To make up for it I did more walking around and I cleaned the kitchen floor.  Not the same but it is something. 
For today I have to bring my husband to his dr appointment so that will eat up some of my time.  But to set myself up for success I am going to do a few exercises while at work.  I still want to either go for a walk or lift weights but this is an insurance policy. 
I need to keep these things on my mind because if I don't then I just let things slide and happen.  No more of that!  I am going to apply for that job I mentioned once it is officially posted.  In the meantime I let my supervisors know I was going to apply for it and one of them ( the night supervisor) is the reason I know I can do the job.  She really wants me to get it because me doing a good job would make her job less stressful and easier.   I am going to print out a description of the job and review it.  I figure I will be able to look for things the job requires and show everyone that I can do it.  Gossip gets around fast here, I told one person I was going to apply and now half the staff knows, so I will use that to my advantage.  Funny it was the night supervisor who told everyone. 
Ok time to get myself organized for the week.  Have a great week ladies!

Countdown to 2014

It is never too late. I have not been taking care of myself for a long while now and it has caught up with me. I have been letting things go that I should have been working on. I have done a lot of nothing. That is done. Today is the first of December and I am using the next 30 days as a warm up for the year 2014. 1. I will apply for the job at work in another department. It is scary to me, it is very different than what I do now but I can do it. 2. I will eat at least one healthy meal/snack a day. 3. I will take my dog for a proper walk around the neighborhood any day that it is not insane to go outside. 4. If I didn't go for that walk I must use my dumbells instead. That is all. Any more and I fear I won't succeed. One day at a time. Today I must go home and make my favorite soup so I am prepared for the week. I will need to figure out if I have enough time to go for the walk, which as I type this I realise that excuse is bullshit. It is my time to make. So yes I will make my soup, go for a walk and then go to lunch at my parents house. I will eat a healthy meal with my family. That part might be harder to do with my mother cooking but I will have the healthist meal I can have, that's all.

For Kitty

Feeling all over the place

I feel very jumbled and antsy right now and it is very annoying.  The urge to binge is powerful and I have not been able to go more than a day or two.  So I figured I would try something.  I woke up for work and ate a hugh meal.  In all reality it was a controlled binge.  I ate until I couldn't think of taking another bite.  That was 8 hours ago and I still feel full and gross.  My thought was that I won't feel the need to binge if I have already.  I plan on eating something normal after work and be done with it for the day.  We will see what happens.
My husband broke his heel 4 months ago and it is still not healed and he is still in a lot of pain.  We can't do much because of that.  We just adopted out our third foster dog and I was ready to bring a new one home but knowing he can't walk and clean up after them stopped us.  I really want to get one this Sunday when they come in but I know I have to do the work.  Do I really need that?  No.  But I love it, most of the time I don't see it as hard work just fun.  I think I will let the group know I can take an adult dog that is house trained.  My husband can let him out in our yard while I sleep and then its just a matter of house cleaning...  I'll see maybe I should take a two week break afterall.  Eh..........
Oh and did I mention that my head is completly messing with me?  I can't stop thinking about my ex boyfriend.  He is that ex boyfriend, the one that could have worked out, the one that helped me through my worst times, the one that when we broke up for what was now I know the last time I thought we would most likely end up back together.  But we didn't.  Don't get me wrong it wasn't all rainbows and glitter, we had horrible times, he hurt me I hurt him.  But there is something.  And that feeling won't go away.  I have played the what if game...  if we were together I would have this and that and la dee dah.  I have felt this way for a long time, I wasn't even sure what I was feeling until about 3 months ago. 
Have you heard the song Bruises by Train?  I heard it a few times and liked it but didn't listen to the words, then I heard it while driving and I started to cry.  I have a playlist that it is now on and I listen to it too much I am sure.  Actually, I have a playlist of songs like that, that give me that yearning tug.  I don't know if I am explaining myself right.  I think it is a bad sign that I listen to a playlist on repeat that makes me tear up or long for a different life.

Well rested!

I work night shift, midnight til 8:30am.  I went to bed at 2pm and slept til 5:30 am.  Yes I see how that could be viewed as excessive however I now feel awesome!  You see I was suppose to work last night but a supervisor called me at 5pm to cancel my shift, since I was sleeping I said ok and fell right back asleep.  When I woke up at my normal time, 10pm, I told my husband I wasn't working and I was going back to sleep.  I know he as somewhat upset that I went back to sleep instead of hanging out with him but I was tired and knew this was chance to get fully rested.  So I went back to sleep and around 1 am I awoke and took some of my prescription medicine and the woke up at 5:30am.  Since everyone,( two dogs, cat and hubby) were sleeping I put all my clan clothes away, and cleaned the bedroom up somewhat.  I sorted the laundry into 3 piles; whites, must wash, and wash later.  I now have the must wash in the dryer and I am thinking of doing the whites later on depending on when my hubby wakes up.  And I did make my oup yesterday.  I made 14 cups worth so I should be good for a few days.  I love soup!  This is a brand new recipe so I can't wait to taste it. 
Ok I have now been awake for 4 hours and I have the whole day ahead...
Ladies thank you so much for your support.  Emily the small city I live in is really old and a bunch of the buildings are old and gothic looking.  I love them.

My library

Feeling down

So yesterday work was a bit more crazy/stressful and I ended up bingeing.  It sucks.  I am up in wt to a point that I can't wear most of my clothes.  I feel so stupid, I know bingeing is an unhealthy coping method that only makes me feel worse each and every time.  My mood has been up and down, and I just don't feel like doing anything.  So I am going to shorten my To Do list and concentrate on only there things for now.
Do at least one load of laundry
Put clothes away, all the clean ones that I haven't put away yet
Make soup.

These are the most important because it will eliminate two of my biggest stressors what to wear and what to eat.  Then I will be able to focus, I hope.  Well at least it is a plan.  I love making soup so that is another bonus.  Oh well its a start to get me feeling less blah...

November

I have been trying to get myself back to a healthy mindset and its just been so hard. I spent almost two whole days last week sleeping. I took time off work one day and was canceled the next day, I slept. that's really it. Trying to have the energy and want to shower is a struggle right now. At work I am ok, all though the other day I was not as kind and compassionate as someone in my job should be, that's when I knew I needed to take time off. Seriously, part of my job is being nice if I can't do that I shouldn't be there. I skipped therapy one day, didn't return a bunch of important phone calls and just basically doing the bare minimum in life. BUT... I have forced myself to be more social. I am a foster mom for an animal rescue and I have my third dog right now. She is sweet and pushes me. Because of the rescue group I go to open adoption events, charity events and so far on meeting at one persons house. I am now friendly with a few people and I am trying to actually make friends which feel nice and really lame. Right now I don't have real friends and I want that to be different. So I am trying small steps, being friends on facebook,.making positive comments and trying to actually have conversations. Both at work and with the rescue group. The fact that I have a five month old dog also makes me participate in life. I can't leave work and crawl back in bed until my next shift. I have to teach this puppy how to be an awesome family dog. It also reminds me that small things add up. Autumn would have been put to sleep (killed) if the rescue groups had not coordinated to get a group of dogs from several states away to my town. These dogs have all been the nicest and sweetest dogs, but because they were at the shelter a few months they were set to die. Instead one little puppy is in my living room right now. Somedays it is a bit overwhelming. But that is good. I need to push myself to really live. So my goal for this month is to concentrate on being a whole person. I saw a shooting star on my way to work and I wished for "enough". Enough love, passion, strenght, money, motivation, happiness- just enough. I hope all of you have enough.

Hugs for everyone!

11 weeks til the New Year

Feeling out of control again. I hate this. I binge ate my way through the summer and gained 20lbs. My only solace is that my boobs look great, the rest of me not so much. I am tempted to fall back to old habits. I know bad idea. Dumb idea. I feel the world going around and I feel unable to keep up. I will get myself back on track and start to feel better. I will make sure I take time off from work so I don't burn out. I know what to do, I have to do it.

15 years ago

15 years ago today I was a senior in high school. I was a mental mess. I was dating a boy, I knew which college I was going to, I was taking college courses through a special program and I had a part time job in a daycare. I also was bulimic, I was cutting, I was crying, I was confused, I was scared, but boy did I put on a pretty mask to hide it all. But while in my advanced program which was held in a hospital I fainted. I don't remember much except that the head of the program was called to come talk with me and make sure I was ok. She sat me down and knew I needed help. Maybe it was that she was a nurse or has a son 3 years older than me, or maybe it was that fucking obvious. She told me I needed treatment and that she was going to talk to my parents. And that's how I started therapy. So by 10/08/98 I had a lovely dr and a therapist to talk to which was wha I needed. Unfortunatly, Robin didn't. Robin was a senior also. She had a twin sister. She was great at sports and captian of atleast one of the ones she played. She was in homecoming court every year. She was popular. She was smart. She killed herself on 10/08/98. Its still doesn't seem real. Right now its a memory, almost as if it was movie I had watched. The how's and why's were always blurry and a complete loss to me now. I remember school the next day, everyone knew already. We were told we didn't have to go to classes. I called my teacher at the hospital and told her that me nd two of the other girls weren't coming in. I remember crying. A lot. Its not that we were close, I don't think I had said more than a "hi" to her all year but the shock that she did it. That "someone like her" did it. That completly changed our class and how we treated eachother. Since we had all been together for so many years some of us since elementary school I think we became nicer. Nicer in the sense that no one was made fun of or bullied or anything like that in our grade at least. Its not that we all became bffs or anything, we just all had the realization that each one of us was going through our own shit that we needed to deal with and we didn't need to pile on more crap for anyone. Maybe that's just how I remember it. I was sent to inpatient that December which I don't think would have happened otherwise. Her death was a wake up call to adults too. 15 years though. Wow.

For all of us. We need to remember this truth.

What an update.

Well it has been sme time since I posted because I just could not put all my feelings into actual words. I still don't know what I am feeling, how to process it or what the hell I am doing. So basically, my normal. Ok... So my marriage is rocky. I don't know where I should set a limit of enough is enough. How many times can you forgive someone for the same behaviors? How many second chances? How long before you give up on the life you really want? At what point do I admitt that this life I am living is not enough? His mental health is not stable by any means but for awhile it was improving. Everytime I think we take a step forward we end up going back another step. I love him, but is that enough? At what point do I start living he life I ant to live? So the logical thing to do was to meet up with someone who knew me before all of this happened. I wanted to remember what I was like and how I imagined life would be like for me. So I sent an email to W. -yes he is my exboyfriend from high school and half of college. We keep in touch every few years and are able to pick up as if we had talked the whole time. He knows me and my issuses, in fact he is the person who really helped to get me into treatment at 17. Talking to him made me think about my life. I am not happy. I want more. I want a full life and I don't have that right now. I need to really figure out if my husband is capable of living the kind of life I want. I thought he could but if I am honest with myself I don't think he is. I meet with my therapist this coming week and the week after with his, I am going to prepare myself so that I can really sort things out. I am not sure but I think its time to have another conversation with my husband about what life will be like in reality, not in made up land. He can't work and I don't know if he will ever be able to. I can't count on his moods to be stable and be able to take care of the house and animals. But I want to. I really do. Like I said I don't know what I am doing but I have to do something.its time.

What I've Learned About Eating Disorders and Teenage Boys

What I've Learned About Eating Disorders and Teenage Boys - http://huff.to/1fGo6F3

After lunch

Well I am back from my lunch and it did help me see things a bit clearer. I am not happy in my marriage and that needs to change. We need to really try to fix this relationship in an honest, full on effort or it will only get worse. O.A.R.'s song Shattered has been stuck in my head *"Shattered"* In a way, I need a change From this burnout scene Another time, another town, another everything But it's always back to you Stumble out in the night From the pouring rain Made the block, sat and thought There's more I need It's always back to you But I'm good without ya Yeah I'm good without you Yeah, yeah, yeah How many times can I break til I shatter? Over the line, can't define what I'm after I always turn the car around Give me a break; let me make my own pattern All that it takes is some time But I'm shattered I always turn the car around I had no idea that the night Would take so damn long Took it out, on the street While the rain still falls Push me back to you But I'm good without ya Yeah I'm good without you Yeah, yeah, yeah How many times can I break til I shatter? Over the line, can't define what I'm after I always turn the car around Give me a break; let me make my own pattern All that it takes is some time But I'm shattered I always turn the car around Give it up, give it up Baby Give it up, give it up now, now How many times can I break til I shatter? Over the line, can't define what I'm after I always turn the car around All that I feel is the realness I'm faking Taking my time But its time that I'm wasting I always turn the car around How many times can I break til I shatter? Over the line, can't define what I'm after I always turn the car around Don't wanna turn that car around I gotta turn this thing around I have a lot of things to sort out but first I need to get some sleep. I have 5.5 hours till I need to get up for work and I think I should get some rest before I plan a way to change my life. Thank you ladies so so much you don't know how much it means to me!

I might be doing something really bad

But how is it bad if it feels right? I am meeting someone for lunch tomorrow and I hope it will clean up some of the massive confusion that is inside my head. Has anyone ever looked back at the life choices and wondered what could have been? I have been so unhappy, stressed, depressed, angry, annoyed, and confused that I don't remember the last time I felt truely carefree and not like I had to hold the whole world up by myself. For my birthday I told my husband I wanted the day to just be easy, with nothing going wrong and no complaining. And I did get that, just for the day. I don't think life is suppose to feel like this. I don't feel married. I feel like I am a live in care giver and it sucks. I don't feel like a wife. I keep thinking about how I want things to be and how to move in that direction. I hope after talking tomorrow that I can figure out what direction to follow.

My New Year

Well yesterday was my birthday. I have not abused food since 10pm the night before my birthday. I want this year to be different, better, happier, purposeful. But my head is swimming with sad tourmenting thoughts. I am playing the what if game in my mind. You know the one...if I do this what would happen? What if I had done this instead of that? I had a dream last week that I keep thinking about. It plays on one of my major what ifs. I want to act on it, but I feel it would be wrong. But that hasn't stopped my mind from finding different signs all around telling me to do it. Its not the proper thing to do. My marriage is going through a very bad rough patch right now. I don't think he has changed much, I think it is me. I think I am just tired of having to fix everything. I see something bad about to happen, I warn him, he ignores me, bad things happen, I clean up the mess. He says things are different now, he say he knows and it will be better but the night before my birthday we had an agruement. I was explaining something to him that he doesn't want to believe is true, in his mind he rewrote the story. Well I told him the truth and he flipped out. It was a much much shorter episode than any he has had I years but really? Is that what I want at this point in my life? I want...something more. I am just not sure what to do. I know I have a few options but when I start to think things through I feel like it is so much work and hassle that staying moderatly dissatisfied seems easier. How dumb is that? So am I ready for life changing events? I don't know. I do know that I am going to make some phone calls in the morning to find out what steps I would take if I choose to try the big change. Happiness is an attitude. We either make ourselves miserable, or happy and strong. The amount of work is the same. -Francesca Reigler I have to remember this saying.

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This is an article on how EDs and autism have a link, weird

Another year...

My birthday is Tuesday. I dread birthdays and new years eve because they never feel as special as I want them to be. My life feels like it is on auto pilot, nothing really changes. I have found myself thinking about my life with my husband and what I really want for my life and I just end up feeling confused. I had arranged my work schedule for August to be light and easy, I figured that with 3 days of day shift classes and a few vacation days I could make the month feel more like a summer. The classes I was to take are very easy and I actually like them. Each year we must take 3 days of training and I set mine up to be with a few co workers I like and put a vacation day on day 4, then overtime 2 days then 2 more days off the last day being my birthday. Well I had to cancell my classes because I couldn't leave my husband and puppy alone for 8 hours during the day. I take the dog out every 3 or 4 hours and Ed is not suppose to put any wt on his foot so I have been heating up food for him when I wake up for the dog. I was able to use those days as sick days so that was good but I had to cange everything because of Ed. He is the one who broke his foot because he wouldn't admit that he was in a manic state of mind. It was completly preventable. So I am still angry about that, I am tired of cleaning up his messes. I feel like that is our whole relationship right now. He swears this episode has changed him, that things will be different. I know it won't be. He has a prescription for pain killers that was filled on the 29th and he now has less than 10 left. I bore myself, it is the same thing. It will only change if I change it. Maybe that is what I will do for my birthday goal. I am going to spend some time tonight and tomorrow night watching patients on suicide watch and while I do that I am going to imagine what I want my life to be like. I need to figure out what I want so that I then can then make the changes I need to make. My life is up to me. I want change then I need to make changes. Time to get off my ass and live a real life.

Its always something...

I feel like I never have time to write and really get everything out of my head. Life was going fairly well during last post, I felt like I was improving and I was hopeful. Then my real life came back. My husband Ed had a manic episode and I could tell it was escalating when I left for work at 11:30 at night. I was right. He started sending me odd text messages around 5 am that I couldn't understand. By 6:30 am I had figured out he was locked out of our house, couldn't stand, and still confused. I left work early and found him outside unable to tand on his right foot. I took him to the hospital and it turns out he fractured a bone in his foot. Awesome. So he has been stuck on the couch since 7/14. He can get up the stairs 1x a day if he needs to, but otherwise he is using a urinal I took from the hospital. This means that I am now taking full care of him and the animals. I have to wake up to walk the dogs every few hours, I have had to take all 3 of them to vet appointments, and bring Ed his meds and make him food. I have rearly ever had a problem stying awake at work. That was always. Joke that my special skills include watching a person sleep and not falling asleep also. But now forget it. Being that I do overtime here at work some days I don't stay my whole shift, till 8:30am and instead I leave at 6, 7, or whenever I can. So the otherday I left at 7:30 and drove to the library to pick up the books I had on hold. It doesn't open until 9 so I parked the car under some trees and took a nap. It was so nice! Yup, sleeping in the car was very nice. Ugh. So I am exhausted and yesterday I called in sick. I had stayed up for 22 hours taking care of so many errands including taking Ed for an appointment at 3 in the after noon. By the time I was able to lay down it as 6pm. I called off work and woke up 1x to walk the dogs and then at 6am. I felt so groggy. Now I am here at work and I am fighting to stay awake. Fighting. I feel like all I do is fight. Ed swears this accident has changed him and that things will be different. He seems upset that I couldn't believe him. He has said it before, how do I know things will change? The thought of placing him in a group home crossed my mind again, not divorce but a seperation. If I can't ensure his safety and the safety of the animals it will have to come to that. Right now I could curl up just bout anywhere and fall asleep. I need to make a to do list for afterwork otherwise I won't do anything productive. Luckily I don't have much to just a few errands then lounge on the sofa and watch Kic Ass with hubby. I took two movies out this week from the library and I think I will be doing that more often. Movies for free is not a bad deal especially since so many have come out that I haven't seen. Anyone have suggestions for movies? Nothing that will make me cry is my only rule.

What Makes You A 'Real Woman'

What Makes You A 'Real Woman' - http://huff.to/1b3DI7z

Living

Well it is Friday morning and here I am at work looking back at the week and feeling pretty good. I did binge this week, however, I also did things this week. Monday I didn't sleep much because my hubby had a court appearance due to kicking down a door during a manic episode, luckily we only have to pay the owner of the building for the repair and it prompted a medication change that seems to be working for him. Tuesday we went out for pizza before I went to work. Actually hubby went to play volleyball with a league we signed him up with while I slept and then we went for pizza. Wenesday I had a check in with my PA who oversees my medication and afterwards all five of us (me,hubby, cat, and two dogs) watched tv in bed. It was the first time all of us did that so it was cute. P.S. One Eyed Jack the Cat still doesn't like the dogs but is being nicer. Thursday we were trying to bring Jack to the vet but he was freaking out so bad we cancelled and will try next week. I never saw the poor guy so upset. So instead we all watched a bad tv movie about sharks that were thought to have died out killing people. I love watching movies you know are poor quality, its funny. So today I need to bring Rover to the vet to check out his limp and make sure he is healing okay. I also want to pick somethings up at the store and exchange a bra I bought. But I am really excited that on Saturday I am going to a free yoga class. I have been told yoga would be great for me, you know finding my center and all of that but I never could really say I was ready. I think I am ready to try it and see if I like it. Then we are taking Rover to a foster/adoption expo, hopefuly finding him his forever home. I am going to continue with my whole "Live Actively" mantra. I don't know if this is something that I will drop and forget about but for now it is keeping my mood more upbeat and that's nice. The app I downloaded "recovery record" has been a neat tool to use this past week. I can see it being really helpful as a tool used with a treatment team but for now I just am using it for me. So far so good. I have to be more aware of my bingeing. I did certain things this week that I know I shouldn't do and that make it hard for me to stay on track so this week I need to put up my safety guards: no sugary cereal, no cash to work for the vending machine, and cake is not a meal! Ok guess I need to charge my phone before it dies. So what are you planning to do to avoid your triggers?

Quote

Everything you want is on the other side of fear. -Jack Canfield

Raw

What goes up must come down. Now if only my ups would last longer than a few hours because my downs sure do. Well let's see I downloaded "recovery record" as a free app and one called postive thoughts to help be stay optimistic and hopeful. It helps. If I look at myself subjectivly I know my depression is very strong right now and that I need to address it. However I would rather take a 14 hour nap, wake up to have 6 bowls of cereal, and go back to sleep for another 10 hours. Again, I can look at that and say "wow that's not a healthy feeling", but somedays I just have less fight in me than I need. I am at work right now so my plan to clear my head and focus on ways to navigate my up coming week. It is now technically Friday morning but days really don't mater to me. I know the next seven are brutal so I need a game plan. Ofcourse I have therapy tomorrow and I want to cancel so that I can instead go to my bed and wallow, however, I will not let that happen. I feel better after my session its just before hand my mind is filled with anxiety. I think it is list making time, that always helps. Ok chicks, what are ways that you use to pull through a rough patch? Anyone?

Recovery Record

So I was browsing through apps on my phone to see bmi and I found Recovery Record. It is a free app that is ment to help you on your recovery from an ED. I started using it today and so far I have to say it seems really nice. I guess there is a way that you and your counselor can use it together also but for now its for me. It let's me set a reminder to eat, to refocus, and hopefully the inspiring quotes will help too.

July WOW

How is it July already? We are more than half way through this year and I don't feel like I did much of anything. I am happy to say that our "foster" dog Grover is doing very well, he has been such a sweetie. We will definitly miss him when he finds his forever home. We are still trying to adopt "Theo" who is about 4 or 5 years old as more of an emoitional support animal for my husband. He seems like a dog who could handle that job. Food wise I have binged less which is good but I still am using food as an emoitional response to stress. I am trying to find a better way to cope with stress and my goal is to actually plan my schedule a bit better so that I have my responsibilities spread out more. Right now I have a lot of things all clumped together but I am going to make a big effort to stop doing that. I like my new therapist, although, before every visit so far I have wanted to cancel my appointment and just pretend everything is fine. I do feel good after the visit its just my anxiety trying to take over. Speaking of emoitions I did something dumb, I signed up for overtime on the childrens unit thinking that if I only stayed til 6 am I would be ok and not get myself upset. I was very wrong! I went over and I had to watch a 4 year old who was on a supervised watch all night long. He is 4! Tiny and sweet looking, cute and silly when he woke up. I am going to try one more shift over there and if it still makes me upset then I will tell my boss I just can't do it. I want to give it another shot and see if it was just the fact that it was a4 year old that upset me. I have decided that this month I am going to actively live my life and not just get by. I want to enjoy the different parts of my life and not burn out on one part and miss out on other parts. So that is my motto for this week atleast. Live activly.

You know you are messed up when...

You know you are messed up when you get sick and you are happy about getting diarrhea because you know the scale will be down the next day.

Wow its been too long!

I have been so tired, busy, mentally exhausted, and/or bored with myself that I haven't written in too long! Of course the battery on my phone is low right now but I will try to get this up asap. Well as you can tell I made the rational choice of adding another variable to my life. Let me explain. My husband and I want to adopt another dog to train as an emotional support animal for him. Basically the dog acts as a shield to society to make Ed feel more comfortable in unfamiliar settings. Eventually we hope to train the dog to come get me if something is wrong and to block Ed from leaving he house without the dog. Well I have put in an application with a resuce group and the lady called me Friday at noon. Since I work night shift I was just failing asleep. She explained that Rover was cleared to leave the vet but his foster family would not return and calls or messages. She thought we might be willing to care for Rover until the dog we want is ready to be adopted. Well ofcourse I wanted to but first I wanted to talk to the vet and see what aftercare he would need. And I had to talk to Ed and make sure he was willing to take our of him and then give him to a forever home. Well a half hour later I agreed to pick up a kennel at the ladys house and then pick up Rover at the vet. Let me tell you how sweet he is! We haven't had a puppy in a long time, Layla is 7, so its been so cute to watch a big clumsy puppy! Trying to keep him calm and resting has been very hard but it has been wonderful for Ed. It has given him something that he has to do and cannot slip up on. He knows that if Rover is going to live happily ever after in a forever home he needs to heal and be well behaved when it comes time. I was worried at first if he could handle it and so far its been great. I also met my new therapist and she was really good. She made me set goals that will help me feel less overwhelmed. First on the list was getting Ed to call in his own prescription refils. Next goal is for him to do a grocery shop without me. Those two things lighten my load and free up time for me to do other things instead. I will be meeting with her everyother week and I am actually excited, along with nervous about her approach. It will force me to take action and tell Ed what I need him to do to help me. Ok I need to charge my phone and catch up everyones blog! Hope everyone is having a great week so far and if not try to make it better for yourself!

Meet Rover!

Meet Rover, yup that's his name, our foster dog till he finds his forever home. We picked Rover up from the vet after he had double elbow surgery and the people who were suppose to be his foster parents backed out. Since he had surgery he is suppose to rest and heal, but he is not very fond of those rules. He is a 1.5 year old lab mix and wants to run, jump, and play. He has been very friendly and sweet with us and Layla our pug/beagle mix dog. Jack our cat is mad with us for bringing home another dog, but Rover is not taking it personally and still would like to be friends. We can't wait for him to get the ok from the vet to play because trying to keep him resting has been very hard, even while in his kennel. If anyone has any helpful ideas please let me know!

Anyone else need some?

Forced Change

I hate change. The unkown is always worse in my head then the known. I can remember being this way even as a child. We moved a month before my 8th birthday and I was so distraught with the change that I started to suck my thumb again! So as an adult I know I have this issue and I try to force small random changes every so often. I take a slightly different route when I drive which isn't much but its a small step. Well after work I have a big change, a new therapist. I see a Physicians Assistant who prescribes my medication and over sees my talk therapy. The PA (Carlene) thought it would be god for me to see someone 2 times a month for awhile and Judy the therapist I was seeing wouldn't be able to do that. So I will meet a new chick today and I am now feeling slightly annoyed. I just switched to Judy within the past year and I like her and I know the new girl will be great and all but, ugh, its more change. Carleene thought that by talking to someone who would be able to tell me what my options with my husband are that I wouldn't feel overwhelmed or trapped. I am my husbands sole caretaker and right now I am overwhelmed, tired and saddly I feel trapped. I know I could never leave him, he doesn't have family or friends to fall back on. I am not saying I want to leave, it more that it can't even think of it as a possiblity. I don't want a divorce but I need to know that if he gets violent and dangerous, what my options are. That is what the new lady is going to help me with. Knowing my options and having a plan for the worst case will let me relax a bit. I won't feel trapped. I know it wll be good for me, I need to talk to someone about this stuff instead of hiding it all inside of me. So in 4 hours I will meet Erin, wish me luck.

More on that

Well even though I feel like nothing is clear right now I feel as though I should get my thoughts out of my mind and onto paper, and since I can't keep a paper journal I shall continue to use blogger its just the best way for me right now. As for right now I am in the Emergancy Department with one of my patients who was not feeling well. To err on the side of caution we are having him fully checked out. Since he is now asleep I have free time right now and no excuse to not process my thoughts. I am in such a crazy state of mind right now. I came to the realization that I no longer be in total control of my husbands care. Last week instead of him making the phone calls to get his prescription he left the bottle out for me to see it and realize I should call it in. So I saw it and ignored it. He is completly capible of doing it but wants me to do it. So he didn't have it for a few days because the office is closed on wekends. I told him he needs to take care of himself including things like this. I mentioned to him that I don't think we are ready to have a child and his response was actually infuriating. Infuriating because he really believes that what he says is true. He has said it before; once he knows a baby is on the way everything will be different, better. He will keep the house clean, take care of the animals, and take care of the baby. It will give him the push he needs because of the baby. Now anyone with half a mind can see that taking that gamble is insane! I have told him I don't believe it and if he wants to convince me otherwise he should start now and not wait. He also wants another dog and so do I but I don't want to be incharge of another animal right now. So I explained that I will fill out all the paper work to rescue a dog once he is finished with all the house projects. Not surprising nothing has been finished. I am sick of being the only adult in this relationship. I have been thinking about my options and I have desided that he needs a case manager to be incharge of this kind of stuff and teach him to do it himself. He goes to therapy on Tuesday and I am going to leave a message for his therapist stating that he needs one, that I can't do it anymore. If that can happen it will be the first step in making my life manageable. Instead of feeling overwhelmed by my todo list I will be able to actually get things done. Not sit paralized thinking it is all too much. This whole thing sucks and somedays I wonder if I am doing the right thing. How can you tell if the way you are living your life is right for you?

So tired of being unsure

Trying to find the ability to put words together to explain my feelings has proven to be very dificult these past few weeks.

Looking into the past

I am at work right now and instead of being on my adult unit I have been sent to the teen unit. I have been sitting in a doorway watching a young girl sleep while I amuse myself with readings and some music. Here at work we are doing a pot luck meal, everyone brings in food to share, to celebrate one nurse retiring. One nights that we do a party like this I have to mentally prepare myself so that I don't binge eat in front of people. I know I am going to eat more than most people would expect but I don't want to be obvious about it. It takes a lot of my mental energy to allow myself to eat the food that is here because I know it is all full fat high calorie food. However, I am trying to get back to my mindset of moderation and I can eat food like this and not freak out. At least that is my goal. Anyway, I am sitting in the hallway, I just finished eating pasta and cookies and in comes a young girl ready to be admitted. And I felt a huge punch in my gut. Her left arm was all slashed up. It looked exactly how mine did when I was sent to the hospital at 17. It is so bizarre seeing the otherside of things. It doesn't help that I woke up grumpy and angry. Nothing new just more intense then when I fell asleep. I am starting to feel a bit less grumpy, cookies help. But I still don't feel 100% right. I have too much anger and hurt right now and I haven't been able to shake that lately. I need to work on this I need to find resolution to this or otherwise it will just consume me. Time to get my head together.

I wish we all felt this way.

Starting to feel less crappy!

Well I have been trying to really think over what I want my life to be like so that I can explain it to my husband. I haven't really figured out anything but that's ok for right now. I don't want to waste time but I also don't want to rush myself. Tomorrow is our engagement anniversary, 8 years. These past 8 years have been such a blur. I want to look forward and be excited about the future and not feel like I am waiting for the next disaster. I have the next two nights off from work and I want to enjoy time with my husband not fight. So I am planning some cute things for us to do to remind us of the begining of our relationship. Anyway, I need to get back to leading a healthy life, not living in extremes as I tend to. So back to eating a balanced diet, relaxing and not over working myself and not sleeping for crazy amounts of time. No one should ever be tired enough to sleep 20 hours. Extreme much? I know its a coping skill, distraction from the real problem at hand. So I need to stop. My plan is to pick up less overtime no more 13 days in a row and no bingeing. Keep it simple. I am making a rule for myself not to work more than 7 days in a row and to try to have two or three days off in a row at least 1 time a month. Food wise I know I can't keep wolfing down junk food and then eat very little to counter balance the calories. So back to practicing the whole Moderation thing again. I did feel so much better when I was more balanced with my eating and I need that now. Plus to be honest I am squeezing into my pants right now and its just uncomfortable. I don't want to feel like I need to wear a blazer or jacket to hide my body. I want to be ok with myself. Its weird I worked on the teen unit last week and one of the staff members have an assignment tons young girl. Look in the mirror for give minutes and tell yourself there things about yourself you love. All I could think of was how hard that would be go do. Do you think you can do it? I dare you. Well ladies thank you again so so much for your support, I can't tell you how much it means to me! And kitty happy mothers day!

Thanks kitty and emily

Thank you guys for being so sweet! I appreciate it so much. I have been feeling so down for so long and you guys made me feel so happy, just to hear that my thoughts were valid and that I am not a horrible person. I can't write much right now but I wanted to let you know Thank you!

Psychotic Episodes-The After Shock

Most people have never had to be involved in a psychotic episode, however, I have had to bare witness to far too many. In fact right now I am at work at a mental health hospital so I have seen people I barely know in the middle of psychoisis and then the next time I see the person they seem fine. Normal. It is very odd how the mind works. So I don't really want to write about this yet I really do, just writing it makes it more real and I don't like that. It makes it harder to pretend that everything is ok. But that's what I need to do for myself; I want things to be ok and not have to pretend. So here goes... My husband is bipolar. He has not been "right" for many many years now. In fact looking back with what I know now I know he wasn't well when we becamed engaged. But things generally stay about the same level, not good, but good enough to pretend things are ok. Except when it doesn't. May 5th it was not good. I could tell for awhile now things were churning and bubbling up. I knew what was coming. Yet it is stil a shock when it happens. Something snaps and suddenly I am in a different world with a different man as my husband. Sometimes it last longer, sometimes it is scary, sometimes it is not. But then he comes back, and suddenly I am in a Lifetime movie( for the readers not in the US lifetime is a station that runs a bunch of movies and many of them have a theme of a woman in a crazy situation due to a man). He promises it won't happen again, that things will be different and everything will be fine. Unfortunatly, mental illness doesn't work that way. There is no cure only maintenance. He has not be able to attain a high functioning level for extended periods of time. Instead our marriage has consisted of me putting out the fires he creates and hiding them from the rest of the world. I have done a pretty good job no one really knows what is really going on and how bad it can be. But I have realized that I cannot continue like this. I saw my PA(therapist who prescribes my meds) and told her things were bad. I have seen her since 2005. She asked if I thought about divorce and I cried. I cried because yes I have. I don't want one, I want to have a regular life with my husband but I don't know if that is possibee. She recommended me seeing a couselor every 2 weeks until I feel more stable and to increase one of my meds. I am ok with this I think it is what I need right now. The plan is to figure out what needs to happen to make my marriage feel like a marriage. It wouldn't be movie perfect but full of love and understanding and partnership. And to plan what will happen if this cannot happen. The first thing is he has to know that this cannot continue anymore. It doesn't mean I don't love him I do but I can't continue to live this way. I am going in with him to see his conselor next week and telling her what happened and how often, if I don't think going in will be good I can call her. Either way she has to know. I know this is what I have to do. I can't pretend all the time. Its too much and not enough. When working with 20 mental patients is more relaxing then being home there is a problem. This is hard.

Truth or Dare?

Do I have to courage to live with Truth? I don't think I do. Instead I keep hiding in the world and playing Dare with my life. I saw a shooting star on my way to work tonight right as I was thinking "I feel like death". My wish came to me immeadiatly "I want things to be better", that's it. Just better. I am not sure how much worse things can get right now. I am alone in my little world. No one knows what is really going on. What's the point? I was honest in therapy on Wenesday with Judy my counselor and I felt so much better. But then Friday night happened. It happend. I know I cannot ignore it. I know I would scream at a chick in the same situation. I am such a hipocrite. I need to be honest. I need to tell. I can't pretend things are fine. They are not. I need to take action today, with his doctor, and then Wenesday with mine. Do I dare? Anyone else feeling alone surrounded by others?

I am so bitchy!

Ugh, working so many days in a row has caught up with me, IIam such a bitch! Ok well in all fairness I am always a bitch, I just can normally hide it better. I can't help the fact that I have a very low tolerance for bullshit. Yesterday morning at work a situation arose that just irritated me and I removed myself from the unit so that I wouldn't get myself in trouble for saying my thought out loud. Sounds kind of horrible but it was a smart choice. You see we have a patient with brain damage who is unpredictable and violent at time. Well staff for the next shift came in to start their day and they would not take into consideration mine and my coworkers opinion on what saftey measures to use with him. Mind you this patient was hitting my coworker about 10 minutes prior to this and had been very violent the day prior. We suggested they not give the man a table and chair in the hallway because he would throw them. Well we were ignored and by the 3rd time he threw the table I realized I needed to leave before I told coworkers they were morons. I have problem with people not understanding where we work, we are not a summer camp, we are a mental health hospital. This should be handled in a way that makes sense. If a patient normally throws things you in turn do not give them things to throw. Granted we don't always have patients like this but it is our job to keep all the patients safe and comfortable and expecting things like this is part of he job. Its expected behavior, no one should be surprised by it. Ok end work rant. Well after work I had my therapy appointment, this being the 45 minutes of talk therapy. As I drove home from work I really didn't want to go. I felt nausous and tired and didn't feel like talking. I had to stop at a store to pick up new headphones since mine broke at 4am and then try to park down town. So I get there the waiting room is so full there was no place to sit. As soon as my appointment started I was so glad I went. Judy is such a wonderful person and really makes me look at things that I might otherwise not. Next week I see the person who is in charge of my medications which is a shorter visit at the same center. I am feling better and less depressed but some of that is due to the Bronkaid, which I did tell Judy about. Honesty feels strange sometimes. The harder person to tell will be Carleene, the PA in charge of my medications. I know she won't approve of taking the medicine for purposes other than you know asthma attacks but, shit it makes the work night so much better. Fuck even I know its wrong but at least I will actually admit to myself it is wrong and that I shouldn't do it. Good rule if you do something you need to hide or feel the want to hide you probably shouldn't be doing it. Ok time to pull my shit together and start my morning work here at you know work...

Feeling better

Well I am having a really nice night at work, in fact the past few nights have been pretty good all things considered. I am working 13 days in a row and I am on day 11 right now. This could have been HELL but I was lucky and I got a chance to work with some really nice nurses that I haven't worked with in a long while. Now I am sitting in the hallway listening to some O.A.R. (a band) and relaxing. Its a little funny because the hospital has actually been pretty wild the past week but I have not had to deal with any of it. I have therapy after work today and I need to review with her how down I have been the past few months. It was really bad for a bit and I had even considered calling for an emergancy appointment but my depression left me so apathic that I though aout it and didn't do anything about it. I haven't really felt up to doing anything except sleeping, I get really focused on when I get to go to bed and I keep trying to sleep for as long as possible. On a positive note I have had no thoughts whatsoever about hurting myself, which fuck it is progress! And I know I tricked my body this week. I haven't taken a Bronkaid ( an over the counter medicine that is technically a stimulate) in a few weeks and I bought some the other day to start taking. It makes me feel so much better it just seems wrong. I mean it is a med that helps during asthma attacks and ith trouble breathing but it just makes me more awake and happy. I have never told my therapist or PA (the therapist that prescribes me my meds) that I take it so today I am going to be honest. I am not feeling like my normal self, I don't want to do anything, I mean I can muster the energy to go to work but that is about it. Everything else from visiting my family to going for new glasses just seems like too much. Sure a lazy day once in a while is fine but I have felt this way for far too long. It actually is so bad that I took a self help book out from the library that is ment to give a person the steps needed to have "The Total Package" of a life. Seriously, the gaded voice in my head won't shut up as I try to read it. It did get one point across though that is true, I am comfortable, yet not content with my life. I want more but I haven't actually done anything to move my life in that direction. Hopefully this will change.

Angry? Disappointed?

Not really sure what I am feeling, but I am feeling many different emoitions right now. I mean come on! If you are feeling something or doing something that you need hide that normally means its not the best thing in terms of choices. I am not even sure what is going on but I know it is wrong. Fuck being vague, my husband is being an ass. I am pissed at his lack of consideration towards me and the life we have built together. I have caught him lying, omitting details, going out of his way to make sure I don't know about different details, basicaly being really shady. That is not how my marriage will be, I refuse to live like this. Well I guess I do know how I feel angry. I have been very clear to him the path in life I want to live and he has changed course. Someone/something needs to change and I don't see it being my ideals. I will this with one of my favorite quoets right now: As Gilda Radner used to say, "It's always something." "I wanted a perfect ending," she wrote in her autobiography, It's Always Something, toward the end of her life. "Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next."

Testing a new writing app.

Not sure how this will work for blogger so this is just a test.

Saddest place on earth

You know how Disney World is called the happiest place on Earth, well right now I am sitting in the saddest place on Earth. That's right I am working midnight to 7am on the childrens unit in a mental health hospital. I have a love/hate relationship with this unit. It can be really easy for most of the night since the kids sleep better than adults but its so sad. I am with 11 kids under the age of 12. Last week they had a 3 year old. A 3 year old! Every 15 minutes I have to check on the 4 bedrooms and make sure everyone is ok and it is so weird to see kids in the beds. I normally work on an adult unit so peeking into a bedroom and seeing a 6 year old laying in bed with their teddy bear is very jarring. But I also love this unit because it gives stability to some of these kids. Its so sad to hear an adult say that they like it better in the hospital than their regular life, but for a kid to say it breaks my heart. I was reading some information on the pts and I stopped myself, it was too much. 3 foster homes in less than 3 weeks, dad in jail for abusing her, sexually preoccupied 12 year old girl. I just want to take these kids and you know parent them. That's all some of them really need an adult to give them stability and love. That's why they like it here they are surrounded by adults who are sober, loving, caring, pay attention to them, given boundries, and take care of them. Ugh, I just can't believe how horrible people can be. Ok well on to other aspects of my life. I have been more dissatisfied with life in general for the past few weeks but it has been really strong in certain things which clearly tells me what needs to change. My husband and I are not on the same page when it comes to certain things and it is fustrating. I feel like he doesn't realise he is a 35 year old man not a 21 year old boy. Life is very different as an adult with different responsibilities, expectations, consequences and a future to plan. I am not saying we need to stop having fun and only talk about our 401k but I would like him show me that he isn't waiting to grow up. Perfect example from the other day: he says to me that when I get pregnant he will have our place completly fixed up and how all these different behaviors will change. I was in a very blunt mood that day and turned towards him and said "I hate when you say that, you have been saying how things will change when..., but I want the change now." So in turn I am trying to sort out my expectations in my head of the life I want to live. What can I do to in life to have more joy, contentment, calmness and fulfillment? I have been trying to figure this out in a very passive mannor and it seems like I am getting no where. My next few days I really want to focus on how I want my life to be, ad then figure out a road map to get there. I know for sure somethings but wow do I feel clueless in general. One major thing is where we live. I love the location and the layout but it has seen better days. We rent and the place is well over due for new floors and stuff but I have never brought it up to the landlord because I always felt we would move "soon". Well I have lived here since 2005 so its time for me to realise that I don't really want to move I just want things nice again. New floors, fresh paint, fix doors and other broken stuff and really make it a house and not a storage unit. I plan on taking over the small room that is connected to our bedroom and turning it into my lady den. Hubby has the spae bedroom as his man cave and I want a small area that is nice and peaceful. I plan on having only my reclining chair in the room and organizing myself with a lot of shelves and a filing cabinet. I know creating an organized area for myself will help me with my overall well being and contentment. So that's the rumblings that have been running through my head. Its a bit of a jumbled mess but its nice to get it out of my mind and really look at it. It comes down to what it always comes down to, if I don't like something I need to change it. I need to actively change my life.

So tired

Ugh. That's all, just ugh. I am so run down these past few days I have no energy to do anything. I mean I am so sluggish that I sat down on my tub while I brushed my teeth earlier. At work I waited over an hour to use the bathroom because getting up and going all the way to the bathroom seemed like too much. Thank goodness work has been very mellow this week, I don't know how I would have been able to make it through a night otherwise. Last night was wonderful actually, as tonight has been also. I had two admissions tonight but I can do those rather quickly at his point especially if it a patient who has been here before itts less scary of a process then. I was able to stick to my goal of sleeping at last 8 hours and doing something for myself. I am very worried about next weekend though. My husband is going away for the weekend with his best friend and I am worried something will happen. I am so glad I got him a medical id braclet that has his dx on it and my cell phone number. If anything happens all someone has to do is look at the braclet and they can call me. My biggest fear is not medical staff calling me but police calling instead. What if he has a manic episode and police think he is high or something? That is why I put his dx on the braclet, it says bipolar hx/psychosis. Kind of blunt huh? I know there is no point in worrying. I want him to go and have an awesome time and I am excited to have the house to myself, I even have one of the days off. Well time to actually work while I am here at the hospital. Hope everyone has a great week.

What a week

Well last week was very interesting I must say. Let's see I got my period, had two major binges, over medicated myself, fought with my husband, and then got way too drunk and threw up for four hours and the next day celebrated my nieces 7th birthday. So umm pretty eventful and obnoxious so I am glad that is over. So this week will be better. To avoid fights with my husband I laid down the "friend rule": you can hang out with a friend that is fine and normal, however, anything you do with a female friend you have to be ok with me doing with a male friend. I think that rule is very fair and he agreed so let's see how this works. Food wise I have been ok the past few days back to trying to eat a nice balance of things even at my moms. I did have cake and pie but I didn't feel out of control and it did balance ok with the rest of my day. Monday morning after work I made a pot of soup like I had been wanting to for awhile. I had all my ingreedients and it will last me til Friday when I get paid so it worked out well. I keep modifying the recipe to give it more flavor so hopefully this time is a winner. Goal wise this week I am going to focus on me. Its not selfish I have to remind myself to take care of me first otherwise I can only last so long before I crumble. So this week I will get 8 hours or more of sleep, eating moderatly and midefully, and make sure I do at least one thing that makes me feel good about myself. I need to relax being angry takes a lot of energy that I just cannot spare. I hate feeling like that. I am angry and resentful at my husband right now and it sucks. I have to tell him how I feel otherwise I am just lugging it around and that is not conducive to a happy healthy life. Oh and life lesson listen to happy soothing songs when angry not angry rap or pissed off songs. Hope you chicks are having a great week and that it only gets better.