Photos

This a picture of the "tree house" in the park near my house and of the view.

New week almost new month

Well my days off were very nice and I did get a lot done that needed to be done but that shouldn't be on a to do list. Speaking of a to do list I just wrote one for this week with the goal being done with all of it this week. It would be nice if I finished it all before 8/1. Ok so my wt is up, my period is past due and I had horrible pains right above my pubic bone on Friday and Saturday. The first night it was so bad I thought about going to the ER. Then I thought about my $100 copay and figured if it was an ovarian cyst like I thought it might be all that a dr would do is give me a mild painkiller. So still no period. But I have been putting off making an appointment for my annual papsmear because the office I had been going to closed. So I have a few numbers to call and see about making an appointment. It must be a woman I see though, I don't care about the gender of most of my drs but this is a must, how can you understand pain in an organ you don't have? So I have an appointment with my therapist (PA) and she wt me last time so I hope she doesn't today. I know I am up and I don't need to be bummed out about it. I also have to get my car looked at again, it is not fixed how the mechanic promised. I am pissed. That might have to wait for Tuesday morning instead I'll see how I feel after work. Well let's see if this will post.

this didnt post for some reason

> Well not really opps, I knew what I was doing when I poured my second bowl of cereal. I think it is like what "old timers" in AA say "I can stop, I just can't stay stopped." I know my patterns and I can forsee these mini binges coming I can't stop them everytime. The sad thing is that I enjoy them still. I know the shame of my husband seeing the amount of food disappear and the panic as to the result the scale will show but I guess it is like scratching a rash. It feels so good in the momment even knowing that you are making the problem worse. > So I sit here at work haven just eaten my lovely healthy meal feeling ok. I feel my depression has been more active recently and I was looking to see if I could pin point it to anything specific. My family has been one point of stress, my car needing expensive repairs, my husbands health- all together become too much and I just want to escape. I just feel like I am always trying to fix or take care of something or someone. I need a personal day. Just me. I was even thinking that one night I would either call off sick or leave early but not go home. I don't know exactly what I could do at 4 am but it sounds awesome to take a time out for real life. I think going into the woods for the sunrise sounds devine if not dangerous also. > Maybe that is why I love being the staff member to watch the patients who are on suicide procautions, I involves a lot of observing and stoping anything harmful. If the person is sleeping I can read and relax set apart from everyone which is the main way I get alone time. Don't get me wrong I don't want to be alone all the time I have done that and it is lonely, but I crave time by myself. I guess that is life, finding the right balance. Not too much or too little of anything. Ah yes no problem for us ED patients right?

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For some reason my post that I wrote last night has yet to publish on this blog let's see if this will.

Fashion question

Ok here is the thing I don't see my body as others do (shocking I know), so I haven't worn shorts for along time. I am around the wt I was the last time I felt ok about my body and I want a pair of shorts that I maybe I would wear but I am broke. I found this old pair of camo bootcut pants from years ago that I will never wear so I was going to cut them for shorts. My question ladies and I need honesty is this: Will it look trashy and cheap? I am I too old to wear them? I will be 31 next month. And How short? If you can give me feed back I would be really greatful. Thanks ladies!

114.9

Well I am very good at creating and sticking to patterns.  Ok up 2 and no bm for atleast 5 days which is gross.  I am out of stool softeners so I tried to eat a bunch of high fiber foods to kick start my bowls but it hasn't worked yet.  On a good note I am feeling better mentally than when I last wrote.  I sucked in my cpr class because I have no upper body strenght so it took me til 12:30 to finally pass with the computerized dummies.  How out of shape am I that I am physically sore from trying to do chest compressions?  Whatever its done and I ended up with so much overtime that my check should be really good, good thing too since I have about $40 til 8/3.  I will have over 100 hours for this next paycheck which means I might be able to get my car fixed. Yay. Yesterday morning before I left work I desided I needed to go to the park and chill or I was going to end up wanting to kill all living things in my path. So I went and sat for about 20 minutes and then went home. I am glad I did because I was pissed when I saw how messy tha house was, but I didn't say anything and instead I went to bed earlier than normal because tomorrow is my night off and I don't want to spend it sleeping. So instead I am going to go home and go right to sleep and then wake up around 5pm to spend time with my husband. I know I will fall back asleep when he goes to bed so I will still get a lot of sleep no matter what. Ok food wise I am going to have to be pretty inventive this week since I won't be able to spend much money on groceries. It won't be hard I have stock piled some random food suplies, just have to plan it out. Well I am trying to read everyones blog so I am going to spend some down time here at work doing that now.

112.8

Wow it seems like I haven't been able to write for so long but it really wasn't, I just had really long days I guess. Well first off yay with my wt, yesterday it had stayed the same which sucked but I handled it. It has been hectic all around me which has me leening towards a manic frame of mind - not good. Let's see: my car needs over 1,000 worth of work done, I was with family way too much for my liking, I took one patient to the ER at work they were admitted so I went back to my unit and ended up taking another patient to the ER and then back to my unit we both went. And I have hardly spent anytime with my husband. He made sure to remind me about that. He hasn't been his best either so his sleep is off which means he is sometimes sleeping during the few hours we can be together. The thing is I have made sure to ensure at least some time together and I feel like he is being a bit pouty about it. I work full time with overtime to try to cover all of our bills. I get home by 9am and try to fall asleep by 2pm. That is a five hour span that we can be together which is a lot! Thing is I also have to take care of grocery shoping, picking up rxs, doctor appointments for both of us, getting the car fixed, you know all other aspects of life. I have had zero alone time up until right now. I have to take a CPR class and it will start a half hour after my shift so I found a random lobby to sit in. This was so needed, I feel so much better right now. Venting really does help. I have no desire to learn CPR, yes I realise it is something we should all know how to do but I have been up for 11.5 hours and now I have to be all cheerful and bright. I really wish it was nice out so I could have some outside time, but it is raining. I am thinking about going to the park after work tonight/tomorrow (Saturday morning). I haven't had the chance to sit in the woods for what seems like forever and that relaxes ans calms me. Well off to class!

113.9

Well I didn't eat the fiber bar after all so knew the scale would be nice to me. Actually I woke up to go to the bathroom at some point and the scale said 114.7 which was unsettling but when I woke up for work 113.9! I am riding a good wave right now wt wise, everything else in life is the same level as always but at least I feel in control about one fraction of my life. So while I am here at work I have brought the same food as yesterday so that I can hopefully have a repeat of success. After work I am leaving my car with the mechanic to fix the a/c (again) and my sister is coming drive me back the house (my parents, maternal grandma, sister, her husband, my 18 year old nephew and 6 year old niece all live together) to work on ome paper work for my grandmothers insurance. I hope the car does not take too long because I would like to be home by 11:30. Oh well we will see. I am a bit, well actually very crabby right now. The have a headache and my neck and back are hurting. So I have taken the comfortable chair at work and I am watching a patient sleep while blogging. I plan on reading all until my patients wakes up. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME ONE COWORKER BROUGH IN CUPCAKES AND THEN ANOTHER PERSON JUST WALKED IN TO GIVE US ICECREAM! I am in such a crabby mood. Ok time to chill so that I don't end up screaming at anyone.

114.7

I was completly shocked at the amount on the scale when I woke up, in a good was since I overate to the point of stomach pains after work. Fucking cereal. But I used every advantage I could after getting on the scale to ensure I see another drop tonight when I wake up. (Fyi I work night shift at a mental hospital, my most often task is to watch one patient on a 1 to 1 basis who is on suicide watch) Anyway, I was running a bit late so I had a choice to make either blow dry my hair or eat. I woke up super hungry and thirsty but I reminded myself that eating would feel nice for about 20 minutes top but knowing my hair looked halfway decent would feel good until I go to sleep. Well I was right 2 coworkers gave me compliments. One said I looked liked I lost wt and another told me my hair looked really nice. I don't know about you guys but that made my day. At work I didn't get a chance to eat til 3:30am when I had 3oz of chicken and 1 cup corn. At 7 am I made broccoli with melted fat free cheese and I did have two moments of weakness. I ate about 5 crakers from our snack draw and I ate 3 oatmeal cookies from my moms house. I then went home and had 1 serving of dry cereal and now I am in the waiting room at my husbands therapist. I am going to eat a fiber bar before I drive back to the house and pop my antidepressant that makes me sleepy and I have taken 1 mg of xanax for the day. So right now I am trying to relax and listen to some soothing songs by O.A.R and update this blog. I also had to bookmark Kitty and Ruby so that I can read up on you two ladies, the little bit I was able to read so far made me feel, well less alone. Its horrible that anyone has to feel such horible feelings but knowing someone else has an actual understanding of how I feel makes me feel more connected to reality. Let's be honest I can't really tell people in my "real" life what my life is really like so keeping everything to myself always leads to trouble for me, here I don't filter anything. Its my one place I can be fully honest. Thank you ladies for letting me have a place like this.

115

Ok I feel so much better with this number on the scale, I mean I want less but it is a better number than I have been this past week. So today I have no appointments or activities that I have to do which means I wil have to fight through my weak time of day, after work! I was thinking that after work I could go home and eat something within the confines of a normal size and then go to the park with the dog. It is a workable plan since I eat and then get out of the house. I think it will depend on the weather because I will not want to walk if it is 90 degrees. If that happens I could go to the hippie store to buy my perfume oil since I am almost out and some insense too. That's an ok plan b I think. Ok I just loaded a pic with this post to see how it uploads with the text. I normally have to write a post in my email and then emal it to blogger if I am posting at work which is always since I don't want my husband finding my blog. This is the one place that is mine and mine only. I don't filter myself here I can be honest with myself and not have to pretend everything is fine. I can't do that in my real life, I even censor myself with my therapist because I can't admitt to another person how bad it gets. I do open up more now than I used to but complete honesty it is not. I have to say right now I am feeling ok, not great or stable or happy, just ok. I know its not magic but I like to believe that if I get down to 108lbs, super goal of 99lbs but unlikly, I will feel so much better. If only.

Back to bronk

So I had decided that I needed a break from the bronkaid last week. I know you can't get the full effect if you stay on it for long periods of time. Last night I started back up and it is so weird because I feel so "up". I am hoping that tonight when I wake up I am back down to an acceptable wt. I was 116.7 when I woke up and that was down from 118.7! That was really high on my day off. I slept so much, I figured it was about 21 hours.

Really?

Binge

So it comes to no surprise that I went crazy and ate way too much after getting to a new low wt. I had off from work for one day and my timing and my husbands was completly out of sync. It sucked since we had no real time together but I did get to sleep a lot which was nice. I have to keep focus on what I am eating and not zone out and over eat. So far I have been ok even though a coworker brought in pizza. I had a half of a slice and I will not have anymore. It is always the same- after work is my weak time. I have to some how plan for enough food to fill me up but not enough to mess with my wt. I think I will make more salsa chicken in the slow cooker, its the easiest way to make sure I get protein in each day. Shit I have to work.

113.4

113.4 wt 21 fat mass 18.6 fat % 59.4 h2o% 6.1 bone % 19.5 bmi Awesome.

Insult or compliment?

So I was called a "skinny cunt" this morning by an angry patient, is it wrong that I completly took it as a compliment? Yes I realise most people hate the "c" word, however, coming from this person just means I was annoying him because I was explaining a rule we have for patient and staff interactions. plus I don't give that word any power over me to feel insulted but I will take skinny as a mood booster!