Hugs for everyone!

11 weeks til the New Year

Feeling out of control again. I hate this. I binge ate my way through the summer and gained 20lbs. My only solace is that my boobs look great, the rest of me not so much. I am tempted to fall back to old habits. I know bad idea. Dumb idea. I feel the world going around and I feel unable to keep up. I will get myself back on track and start to feel better. I will make sure I take time off from work so I don't burn out. I know what to do, I have to do it.

15 years ago

15 years ago today I was a senior in high school. I was a mental mess. I was dating a boy, I knew which college I was going to, I was taking college courses through a special program and I had a part time job in a daycare. I also was bulimic, I was cutting, I was crying, I was confused, I was scared, but boy did I put on a pretty mask to hide it all. But while in my advanced program which was held in a hospital I fainted. I don't remember much except that the head of the program was called to come talk with me and make sure I was ok. She sat me down and knew I needed help. Maybe it was that she was a nurse or has a son 3 years older than me, or maybe it was that fucking obvious. She told me I needed treatment and that she was going to talk to my parents. And that's how I started therapy. So by 10/08/98 I had a lovely dr and a therapist to talk to which was wha I needed. Unfortunatly, Robin didn't. Robin was a senior also. She had a twin sister. She was great at sports and captian of atleast one of the ones she played. She was in homecoming court every year. She was popular. She was smart. She killed herself on 10/08/98. Its still doesn't seem real. Right now its a memory, almost as if it was movie I had watched. The how's and why's were always blurry and a complete loss to me now. I remember school the next day, everyone knew already. We were told we didn't have to go to classes. I called my teacher at the hospital and told her that me nd two of the other girls weren't coming in. I remember crying. A lot. Its not that we were close, I don't think I had said more than a "hi" to her all year but the shock that she did it. That "someone like her" did it. That completly changed our class and how we treated eachother. Since we had all been together for so many years some of us since elementary school I think we became nicer. Nicer in the sense that no one was made fun of or bullied or anything like that in our grade at least. Its not that we all became bffs or anything, we just all had the realization that each one of us was going through our own shit that we needed to deal with and we didn't need to pile on more crap for anyone. Maybe that's just how I remember it. I was sent to inpatient that December which I don't think would have happened otherwise. Her death was a wake up call to adults too. 15 years though. Wow.

For all of us. We need to remember this truth.