I feel extra gross

I feel so gross right now. I got my period after not having it for awhile and I am in so much pain. It feels like am having all the cramps that I missed all at once. I am just sitting here at work and I plan on having a relaxing night, which means it will be a crazy night instead. We have a full unit which is good (20 patients), however they are a very sickly group. We have three patients on watch and I am watching one patient who is on watch for her own safety. However, at least three other patients should also be on watch, one is wandering into other rooms and laying in beds, another cannot get out of bed by herself because she only has one leg, and the third one is laying on the floor in the hallway refusing to move. So it might be a busier night than i want, but I really can't complain I am at work afterall so I should expect to work. On the food front I am trying to get back on a healthy track. I have been eating nonstop crap and comfort foods since August and it is not healthy. I went grocery shopping and bought a lot of my basics to keep things simple. I made a rule for myself that I will not have any cereal except my high fiber shreaded wheat which I eat dry at work. Cereal is on of my favorite comfort foods and I usually end up bingeing on it so a had and fast rule is needed. That is the only strict rule, I fear that if I make too many rules I will end up failing. My wt has been steady at 123.4 for days now and my favorite work pants are tight. I want to get back down to 110lbs, I felt the best at that wt. I mean I am sure I would feel even better lower than that but let's get there first. Ofcourse I am adament about getting myself back on track during holiday time but why would I ever do anything the easy way?

I need a vacation

I want a vacation from real life. I am just so worn out from all that has been going on. Life has been so crazy lately that even bloggin seemed like too much to do, all I want is some down time. To recap: August I find out I am pregnant, my husband has an "episode" of his manic bipolar side that ended up violent in nature. I realise that I can not keep a fetus safe let alone a child. Yes I made a choice to be with my husband and that means for the for seeable future no children even though I want kids. So I set up an appointment with planned parenthood. The whole process was very lonely, no one knows what I did except my therapists. I even wrote down a fake emergancy contact on my paperwork. I drove two hours to get the medicine and started the process while at work. I started to bleed and told my husband I miscarried. He then had a psychotic episode while I was sleeping and left the house. I woke up to get ready for work and he was gone. I drove around looking for him but could not find him. He had left his cell phone and wallet at home. Three hours later one of the local hospitals called me. Someone had called 911 to bring him there and he was unable to give his name or anything for a long while. In October something similar happened. He for some reason left the house and was again taken to the hospital, a different one this time. However I woke up this time and found the ambulance about to pull away, which means it must have been a neighbor who called for the ambulance. This time when he was taken to the hospital he was a "302". A 302 is when someone files paperwork stating you need to be seen by a mental health dr before you can leave and if deemed nessesary they can hold you in the hospital. Since I work in a psych hospital I know allb the rules and what had to be done. My husband was lucky, this was all hapening during a hurricane and most doctors would have kept him, his dr hapened to be the on call dr and agreed that I could take him home as long as I stayed with him instead of going to work. He has not been good at all. His mood, behaviors, sleep, everything has been off. I have been binge eating like crazy and not sleeping as well as I need to. I work night shift so that during the day if something is wrong I am home and he would be sleeping at night. But I am too worried to sleep deeply and he is awake most of the night while I am at work which makes me nervous. Today I let him know I was so worn out I was actually feeling like I was going to puke. I did sleep for almost 9 hours and it was wonderful. I don't know what I can do but I have to do something. Things are not getting better and we can't continue like this.

So much to write

I am pretty sure I am going to write this post in two parts because so much has been going on.  I have been binge eating non stop and I am up in wt to the point that it disgusting.  I haven't been able to string together more than a day and a half of not using food to numb myself.  I checked the calender and I have 5 weeks til Christmas/New Year.  I need to set myself a goal and achieve it.  I am setting my goal to be 115 for Christmas or New Year, and to decrease my binge eating.  The goals go hand in hand with eachother and I have to work on these things to start to feel better about everything. So no more giant portions of food, no shovling food in my mouth like its my last meal, No More eating to get numb.  Food is not a drug to make feelings disappear.  I have been trying that for the past few months and it hasn't worked.  Time for something different. I also need to get my shit together and get things done on my to do list. It is getting to be very long and I need to start crossing things off of it. Ugh. 125.5. Well time to get ready for work and start this week off right.