Feeling reality

Fuck I didn't save my post as I wrote it and now it's gone.  Maybe that is the universe making me really examine my feelings and reality which I have been trying to avoid.
I had written about my super power.   See I can just exist and not feel my feelings or face the blatant truth.   It allows me to continue with "life" but I am not actually living.   I pretend everything is fine and go to work,  make small talk,  and no one knows what is really going on.
Not a coping skill I recommend but I am aware when I am doing it, like when I don't post here for awhile because I don't want to acknowledge how I am feeling.   A blank page is my way of trying not to feel.   It doesn't work but then again crappy coping mechanisms rarely do.  I was honest in therapy this week and told my counselor that I purged.  It was more than once and it didn't help at all.   Well that's not true it showed me how sick I am making myself.   My situation sucks but I can change it. I don't need to pretend everything is fine.  It's not.  It sucks.
It sucks that my therapist, my counselor and you ladies are the only people who know what is going on.
It sucks taking a giant step backwards.
It sucks that my old coping skill didn't help.  (Did it ever? )
It sucks that I know what I have to end my marriage.
It just sucks.
I am meeting with a lawyer this week.   I had an appointment last week but she got tied up in court so we rescheduled.   She works with the local domestic violence group and I hope she can tell me what I need to do.   I have no idea how to get a divorce let alone divorce someone who I have been taking care of for about 10 years.   Even though he hurts me and I know I can't continue to live like this, I don't want to hurt him.  I still love him that hasn't changed.   But I know what we have is not good for either of us.  He needs to get help that he hasn't had to get because I take care of and clean up his messes.  Me purging made me realize that I can't continue to drag my feet any longer. I must keep going and finish this.   I don't know what I am doing but hopefully I find the right people to help me.

I'm a mess

I feel like such a wreck.   Living two different lives is getting old.  I need to take action.  I did something today that is upsetting me.  Trigger warning.

!!!! WARNING!!!!!!

I threw up.   I haven't done that in so fucking long.   It started as an accident but I didn't stop myself.   I woke up early for work and made myself something to eat.   After eating I went to the bathroom to style my hair and brush my teeth.   I wasn't feeling great and started to cough.  I SHOULD HAVE left the bathroom and done some deep breathing but I didn't.   It was gross.  I thought about doing it earlier this week also but I stopped myself that time.   I think this was a wake up call to myself.   I am not happy and I need to make the uncomfortable changes in my life.   I refuse to go backwards in my life.