Fuck I didn't save my post as I wrote it and now it's gone. Maybe that is the universe making me really examine my feelings and reality which I have been trying to avoid.
I had written about my super power. See I can just exist and not feel my feelings or face the blatant truth. It allows me to continue with "life" but I am not actually living. I pretend everything is fine and go to work, make small talk, and no one knows what is really going on.
Not a coping skill I recommend but I am aware when I am doing it, like when I don't post here for awhile because I don't want to acknowledge how I am feeling. A blank page is my way of trying not to feel. It doesn't work but then again crappy coping mechanisms rarely do. I was honest in therapy this week and told my counselor that I purged. It was more than once and it didn't help at all. Well that's not true it showed me how sick I am making myself. My situation sucks but I can change it. I don't need to pretend everything is fine. It's not. It sucks.
It sucks that my therapist, my counselor and you ladies are the only people who know what is going on.
It sucks taking a giant step backwards.
It sucks that my old coping skill didn't help. (Did it ever? )
It sucks that I know what I have to end my marriage.
It just sucks.
I am meeting with a lawyer this week. I had an appointment last week but she got tied up in court so we rescheduled. She works with the local domestic violence group and I hope she can tell me what I need to do. I have no idea how to get a divorce let alone divorce someone who I have been taking care of for about 10 years. Even though he hurts me and I know I can't continue to live like this, I don't want to hurt him. I still love him that hasn't changed. But I know what we have is not good for either of us. He needs to get help that he hasn't had to get because I take care of and clean up his messes. Me purging made me realize that I can't continue to drag my feet any longer. I must keep going and finish this. I don't know what I am doing but hopefully I find the right people to help me.
Monday, May 26, 2014
Feeling reality
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First of all Josie, well done on being honest with your therapist
ReplyDeleteI know that must have been so difficult
That's the first step
Reaching out and asking for help
You don't deserve to be treated this way
You are a kind loving person who is hurting very badly
Please don't suffer in silence
I wish I could do something more to help than type these words
I would love to bring you for a cuppa and have a good ol' chat
You have been so supportive to me
So kind
It means more than you know
Take care of yourself Josie
Put yourself first x
I am so glad that you are moving forward.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your kind comments.
ReplyDeleteRight now I am that place where things are sort of okay, i.e. not in-my-face horrible, and I just let the days pass. It helps when he works all night and go to school all day and we don't spend so much time constantly getting on each other's nerves.
seems like I missed this post.. hmm.. How did the meeting with the lawyers go hon?
ReplyDelete*hugs*
Thank you ladies so much for your support, you don't know how much it means to me.
ReplyDelete