End of the year emptiness

I have been feeling very depressed for a long time now.  I knew I have been "off" for awhile but I just skimmed back through my blog this past year and it hit me how bad its been and for how long.  This month really sucked too.  On the 10th my husband had another psychotic episode and we actually ended up wrestling on the ground and it getting pretty bad.  Something happened to my neck and it is still sore but atleast I can feel some improvement.  Then on the 18th I admitted someone here at the hospital and it was the saddest admission I have done EVER.  I was tearing up talking to her, then going through her belongings I was holding back tears and just had to leave the unit.  I went to a bathroom and cried for awhile cleaned my self up and went back to work.  The thing was once I started crying everything I was holding back for so long came out like a tsunami.  I had to go to a "safe crisis" class after work and I ended up throwing up and crying some more.  On the way home I cried the whole time big loud tears.  I also stopped to get a pregnancy test because I got my period, it was over and then I got it again very heavy for a day then I was light for over a week.  So just incase I tested, it was negative, I figured my body was responding to stress but I had to make sure.                                                             ***** I started writing this over a week ago and didn't get to finish it until now.  I am actually feeling better now.  I got my period for real and my mood shifted a bit.  My husband is still not great but he is stable enough for the moment.  Christmas was ok, I did not hit my sisters husband who is a horrible human being.  I alwayb joke about that but honestly if my niece had not been next to me I would have walked over to him at one point had hit him as hard as I could, he was beeing such an ass to my mother, who let's him and my sister live rent free for the past 15 years. I have many examples of him and my sister being morons but its a moot point by now. Anyway I didn't hit him. I still make no promises for the future. But for now I feel ok.