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32 sleeping pills in 30 hours.
98 vicodin 10/325mg in 9 days.

It has been exactly 1 month since he last hit me, what has actually changed?   Nothing.  

No excuse

Well nothing has changed.   All the promises my husband made have continued to be broken,  and I can't say I am surprised.   For example,  I told him I don't like that he takes enough medication to pass out for hours at a time.  Has he stopped doing that?   No.  It's obnoxious that I am not surprised.   If it hasn't changed in almost 8 years why would it now?  He doesn't even see it.  He keeps saying aren't things better?   I think he is trying but I don't think he can do what he promises to do.  I don't think it's fair to him that I get mad at him for being himself.   I am just not willing to live like this anymore.   I need to get myself together and actually start the process of divorce.   My original plan was to plan my divorce like Katie Holmes.   Have everything ready to go with no warning.   It seems mean to me but it's the safest option.   Not only for me but for him too.  If he trys to overdose I will be able to get him hospitalized and get him the help he needs.  I fully expect that to happen,  which honestly sucks.   I know I am not responsible for his actions or reactions and I can't control how he handles things.   I also realize he has major borderline personality traits and would try to guilt me back.  I guess knowing how things might unfold has kept me in limbo.   I can't stay here.  I see my counselor this week I had promised myself that I would have things in action by then.   So I need to make calls today after work and get my shit together.

Okay totally weird, I am sitting in my office and a coworker came to talk to me to tell me he was taking a job with a different company which sounds great for him and I got the odd feeling he was about to ask me out.  So I started to play with my wedding ring since if he was hitting on me he would realize I am married.   Ironic that I am planning on divorce at this very moment.   But there was really no reason why he would come and find me to tell me this.  I mean I worked with him twice I think and he seems like he has his shit together and I was nice to him but it was just super weird,  that's the only way I can describe it.

Sick of myself

I want to do something yet I keep dragging my feet.   I know what I HAVE to do.   Knowing myself I told three people the important stuff of why I need to do this so that I can't back down.   My two therapists/counselors and a male friend who happens to be a counselor.  Telling them made it real and that sucks because I can't pretend everything is okay anymore.  
Yesterday I slept for a total of 18 hours as a way to escape.   I woke up to the same problems.