Honesty

Yesterday I went to my therapy session and I was honest.   Sounds simple enough but it isn't for me.  I normally downplay what is going wrong with regards to my husband's illness and limitations.   But I have to start facing reality,  I don't feel like I am in a marriage.   I haven't in a long time now, I am his best friend and caretaker,  but that's it.  We don't act married.   He doesn't act like a husband and I don't act like a wife.   I love him.  But he is incapable of being a husband and partner.   I am aware that I have been trying to get him to be the man I want but he hasn't been able to be that person.   That leaves me mad and frustrated with him and that isn't fair to him.  Especially since I don't think he can be the partner I long for.   For example:  I went to work for my midnight shift at the hospital and then went to my appointment.   When I came home the kitchen floor was a gross mess.  One of the dogs had gone pee pee and the a big pile of cat litter was outside the box and needed to be changed.   I told him for 2 days that we needed to change the cat box by Wednesday night for our garbage pick up.   So I went home and sweeped the floor and then mopped up the mess.  I asked him if he could change the cat box at some point and at first he said No.  I fully expected that answer and went to start cleaning as I walked by him I yawned which actually got his attention.   He said that he would clean up but he couldn't do it just yet.   When I woke up for work I was surprised that it was actually done.  He was asleep on the sofa so I took the two bags of garbage out to the curb and took care of the dogs before I left for work.  And that doesn't sound like much but it is a build up.   He won't take care of the house, clean up after the dogs,  go grocery shopping, make or go to doctor appointments by himself, return phone calls regarding his insurance, and most other responsibilities.   I am 32 years old and I want to Live life.   I plan my whole life around him and his limitations.  I don't have a social life, he isolates from everyone most of the time.  Except during a manic episode, then he is Mr. Social.   He gets these ideas of things to do that have no place in reality. 
      Let's move to California so I can be a wrestler there, I want to get a passport and travel to Japan and work there, I want to take out a business loan and make my own company. 
It is great to dream big, it really is,  but you need to understand that there is a lot of work and repercussions to actually get something going.  
I told my therapist that if I told him I was leaving him I know he would attempt suicide.   She asked if he had ever attempted in the past and again I was honest and said yes.  I told her I signed involuntary commitment papers in 2008 and that on 1/3/13 he sent me a picture while I was at work showing how he had cut himself all around his neck.   I saved the picture because it is on of the things that really made me realize that he was not getting better and that I can't do this.
I don't know what I am going to do but I can't continue to live like this.