Long day

So last night didn't stay calm for long at work but I was horrible. The guy who was worked up never really became a hugh problem, he punched the wall a few times and yelled a bit but nothing too troublsome. Tonight I picked up a shift on our most "troubled" adult unit. I don't really pick up a lot here but I never really mind being over here, its only the childrens unit that makes me sad so I avoid that unit as much as I can. Right now I am watching a male SP who is in the opened quiet room, basically a small room with a mattress that has a door if we need to shut incase the patient becomes too violent. So far so good though. Before my shift started they had to put a woman in the restraint room which basically is being tied to bed. It is the worst practice in my opinion. We took her out of restraints and she stayed asleep, but she just woke up to use the bathroom and she was very nice. Granted the last shift shot her with a ton of meds so that she would be mellow but whatever. She is talking to herself a bit but hey I work at a hospital this is my normal. I would rather dope a person up than tie them to a bed that is barbaric. My sleep was a bit crazy, I went home and slept for about 4.5 hours went to my moms for 3 hours and then back to bed for another 4 hours. I actually feel rested enough, after my 2 caffeine pills that is. On Monday I see my PA (the therapist who is in control of my meds) and I think it is time for a change up. I skipped the one today that I take before bed because it zonks me out and I wouldn't have been able to wake up and do things if I had taken it. Plus I think it is time to go back on a mood stabilizer,I haven't been on one for years now but my mood has really been up and down for months now. Maybe not a mood stabilizer even, maybe a different antidepressant. I never swing too high its more that I start out ok and get more and more down, crabby, mad as the day goes on. I have been working on controling the crabby part but its been really hard. I get angry at having to be in charge o everything, but I realise my life is my life and I have to change things if I want change.

Down 2.6 from binge

Ugh.  Is it pathetic that the best part of my waking hours so far has been while watching suicidal patients?  It feels like the hours I get to spend watching a SP (suicidal precautions) patient are the only hours I have to myself, even if I am not really by myself.  Its as close as I get most of the time to alone time.  Like right now I am watching an SP sleep while I listen to music with one earbud and blogging.  It is awesome.  Granted there is another patient awake who is very agitated and might end up needing something, however, he doesn't want to lay down or take any medicine to calm down.  Between him and the older lady who dosent sleep it will be an active night no matter what.  But I can't complain, I hate when people complain about this job.  You work at a mental health facility you should expect what happens.  I love quite nights but I don't expect to have an easy night ever.  I hope for them or at least afew hours but I can't expect it.  I am here to help patients in a hospital.  Anyway end work rant. 14 years ago one of the most popular girls in my senior class of high school killed herself.  14 years ago is so long ago.  I can remember I was going through a really bad time and with her death it sparked a tidal wave of concern over all adults in the area.  Teachers called my mother and told her I wasn't well and it forced my mom out of denial.  I started therapy, ended up hospitalized, got out and continued therapy pretty much ever since.  I go through up and downs still but I have a better understanding now.  The ED started as a way to control life, it wasthe only thing that made sense, everything else had been flipped upside down in my family life.  It came and went for a bit but never left.  Whenever I feel out of control it is there.  I recognize the emoitions now and realise that I can't control everything but I can control my reactions to things.  That whole serenity prayer thing you know?  So I try to pull myself out of a situation and look at it.  If I can change it great if not I should just make the best of it. Shit I have to stop now and try to get the man to calm down.

Binged

Ugg. I had been doing decent for a few days then bam! Donuts. Lots of them. But after seeing the scale yesterday I got myself back I line. I had to fight myself, I wanted to binge so bad. I almost broke down but I didn't. I am down from yesterdays high wt so that is a plus. I know the urge to have binges has been strong due to stress, crazy sleep, and my period but I can't let reasons be excuses. I plan on eating healthy, by which I mean I am eating food that is of good nutritional value and appropriate serving sizes. 700 calories of cereal is not an appropriate serving size. My motto for right now is fake it til you make it. I will eat properly and hopefully one day it will just be my normal. Can't hurt. I am so wiped out still. I feel like a hamster stuck on her wheel. I have to remember to not over extend myself. I am working 8 days in arow and I am on day 3 right now. I was to have the weekend off but I picked up overtime shifts. Looking at my calender right now I have 3 days off for the rest of the month. So yea I have to work on that over extending goal a bit. Luckily tonight has been calm so far, which really isn't saing much. It is 2am and I am watching two women on suicide watch and they are both sleeping which has allowed me some down time. I don't know if anyone else does this but I sometimes start reading a persons blog from the begining and then keep up t date as they blog. Right now I am reading yours Kitty and I love your "new" place! Yea I realize its not new anymore but I just saw your pics and it looks so nice. Well I am going to stop for now my unit is getting an admission and they just arrived. Have a good weekend everyone!

Not sure about anything

So the past few months have sucked pretty bad.  I almost 302ed my husband.  A 302 is an involuntary mental health commitment.  I have done it once before after a suicide attempt and I had hoped I would never have to again.  He is not doing well right now.  I feel as though we have been treading water, his bipolar is fucking horrible.  Its not just the mood swings but its everything else that comes with it.  The flight of ideas, poor planning, lack of focus, grandious thinking, it just gets to be too much for me to deal with calmly.  He wanted to drive me to work and pick me up so that he would know how to in the future.  I thought it was a dumb idea but I didn't want to agrue at 11pm so I said fine.  He drove me and it was ok, then in the morning on his way to get me he got lost.  He was so lost he was going to just drive home and told me I needed to get a ride or something.  So I talked him through how to get to one spot and told him to just wait there.  I walked to that spot and saw him coming.  I go to the passenger side of my car and fuck!  The mirror was knocked in, there was a hugh dent and long scratch on the side and the handle for the back door was fucking gone.??  He has no clue how it happened.  I drove up home and I saw a few cars that looked like they had been hit.  He has no memory of it.  So afterwards I told him we can't have a child now.  He didn't take the news happily, he thinks that if we have a baby he will have something to focus on and he will be fine. Are you kidding me? In what universe does that sound like a good idea? He had a psychotic episode the other day that was eerily calm while talking very violently. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone else but he was calm and psychotic at the same time. Nothing is changing, its not getting better sometimes I think it is getting worse. He thinks he is improving. I can't get him to see reality. He sees his therapist on Friday and I want to go in with him and tell her all of this but he keeps telling me he is telling her everything, then when I ask if he told her about a specific thing he says no I forgot. Ok that's enough for this rant for now. I need things to change.