Down 2.6 from binge

Ugh.  Is it pathetic that the best part of my waking hours so far has been while watching suicidal patients?  It feels like the hours I get to spend watching a SP (suicidal precautions) patient are the only hours I have to myself, even if I am not really by myself.  Its as close as I get most of the time to alone time.  Like right now I am watching an SP sleep while I listen to music with one earbud and blogging.  It is awesome.  Granted there is another patient awake who is very agitated and might end up needing something, however, he doesn't want to lay down or take any medicine to calm down.  Between him and the older lady who dosent sleep it will be an active night no matter what.  But I can't complain, I hate when people complain about this job.  You work at a mental health facility you should expect what happens.  I love quite nights but I don't expect to have an easy night ever.  I hope for them or at least afew hours but I can't expect it.  I am here to help patients in a hospital.  Anyway end work rant. 14 years ago one of the most popular girls in my senior class of high school killed herself.  14 years ago is so long ago.  I can remember I was going through a really bad time and with her death it sparked a tidal wave of concern over all adults in the area.  Teachers called my mother and told her I wasn't well and it forced my mom out of denial.  I started therapy, ended up hospitalized, got out and continued therapy pretty much ever since.  I go through up and downs still but I have a better understanding now.  The ED started as a way to control life, it wasthe only thing that made sense, everything else had been flipped upside down in my family life.  It came and went for a bit but never left.  Whenever I feel out of control it is there.  I recognize the emoitions now and realise that I can't control everything but I can control my reactions to things.  That whole serenity prayer thing you know?  So I try to pull myself out of a situation and look at it.  If I can change it great if not I should just make the best of it. Shit I have to stop now and try to get the man to calm down.