You know you are messed up when...

You know you are messed up when you get sick and you are happy about getting diarrhea because you know the scale will be down the next day.

Wow its been too long!

I have been so tired, busy, mentally exhausted, and/or bored with myself that I haven't written in too long! Of course the battery on my phone is low right now but I will try to get this up asap. Well as you can tell I made the rational choice of adding another variable to my life. Let me explain. My husband and I want to adopt another dog to train as an emotional support animal for him. Basically the dog acts as a shield to society to make Ed feel more comfortable in unfamiliar settings. Eventually we hope to train the dog to come get me if something is wrong and to block Ed from leaving he house without the dog. Well I have put in an application with a resuce group and the lady called me Friday at noon. Since I work night shift I was just failing asleep. She explained that Rover was cleared to leave the vet but his foster family would not return and calls or messages. She thought we might be willing to care for Rover until the dog we want is ready to be adopted. Well ofcourse I wanted to but first I wanted to talk to the vet and see what aftercare he would need. And I had to talk to Ed and make sure he was willing to take our of him and then give him to a forever home. Well a half hour later I agreed to pick up a kennel at the ladys house and then pick up Rover at the vet. Let me tell you how sweet he is! We haven't had a puppy in a long time, Layla is 7, so its been so cute to watch a big clumsy puppy! Trying to keep him calm and resting has been very hard but it has been wonderful for Ed. It has given him something that he has to do and cannot slip up on. He knows that if Rover is going to live happily ever after in a forever home he needs to heal and be well behaved when it comes time. I was worried at first if he could handle it and so far its been great. I also met my new therapist and she was really good. She made me set goals that will help me feel less overwhelmed. First on the list was getting Ed to call in his own prescription refils. Next goal is for him to do a grocery shop without me. Those two things lighten my load and free up time for me to do other things instead. I will be meeting with her everyother week and I am actually excited, along with nervous about her approach. It will force me to take action and tell Ed what I need him to do to help me. Ok I need to charge my phone and catch up everyones blog! Hope everyone is having a great week so far and if not try to make it better for yourself!

Meet Rover!

Meet Rover, yup that's his name, our foster dog till he finds his forever home. We picked Rover up from the vet after he had double elbow surgery and the people who were suppose to be his foster parents backed out. Since he had surgery he is suppose to rest and heal, but he is not very fond of those rules. He is a 1.5 year old lab mix and wants to run, jump, and play. He has been very friendly and sweet with us and Layla our pug/beagle mix dog. Jack our cat is mad with us for bringing home another dog, but Rover is not taking it personally and still would like to be friends. We can't wait for him to get the ok from the vet to play because trying to keep him resting has been very hard, even while in his kennel. If anyone has any helpful ideas please let me know!

Anyone else need some?

Forced Change

I hate change. The unkown is always worse in my head then the known. I can remember being this way even as a child. We moved a month before my 8th birthday and I was so distraught with the change that I started to suck my thumb again! So as an adult I know I have this issue and I try to force small random changes every so often. I take a slightly different route when I drive which isn't much but its a small step. Well after work I have a big change, a new therapist. I see a Physicians Assistant who prescribes my medication and over sees my talk therapy. The PA (Carlene) thought it would be god for me to see someone 2 times a month for awhile and Judy the therapist I was seeing wouldn't be able to do that. So I will meet a new chick today and I am now feeling slightly annoyed. I just switched to Judy within the past year and I like her and I know the new girl will be great and all but, ugh, its more change. Carleene thought that by talking to someone who would be able to tell me what my options with my husband are that I wouldn't feel overwhelmed or trapped. I am my husbands sole caretaker and right now I am overwhelmed, tired and saddly I feel trapped. I know I could never leave him, he doesn't have family or friends to fall back on. I am not saying I want to leave, it more that it can't even think of it as a possiblity. I don't want a divorce but I need to know that if he gets violent and dangerous, what my options are. That is what the new lady is going to help me with. Knowing my options and having a plan for the worst case will let me relax a bit. I won't feel trapped. I know it wll be good for me, I need to talk to someone about this stuff instead of hiding it all inside of me. So in 4 hours I will meet Erin, wish me luck.

More on that

Well even though I feel like nothing is clear right now I feel as though I should get my thoughts out of my mind and onto paper, and since I can't keep a paper journal I shall continue to use blogger its just the best way for me right now. As for right now I am in the Emergancy Department with one of my patients who was not feeling well. To err on the side of caution we are having him fully checked out. Since he is now asleep I have free time right now and no excuse to not process my thoughts. I am in such a crazy state of mind right now. I came to the realization that I no longer be in total control of my husbands care. Last week instead of him making the phone calls to get his prescription he left the bottle out for me to see it and realize I should call it in. So I saw it and ignored it. He is completly capible of doing it but wants me to do it. So he didn't have it for a few days because the office is closed on wekends. I told him he needs to take care of himself including things like this. I mentioned to him that I don't think we are ready to have a child and his response was actually infuriating. Infuriating because he really believes that what he says is true. He has said it before; once he knows a baby is on the way everything will be different, better. He will keep the house clean, take care of the animals, and take care of the baby. It will give him the push he needs because of the baby. Now anyone with half a mind can see that taking that gamble is insane! I have told him I don't believe it and if he wants to convince me otherwise he should start now and not wait. He also wants another dog and so do I but I don't want to be incharge of another animal right now. So I explained that I will fill out all the paper work to rescue a dog once he is finished with all the house projects. Not surprising nothing has been finished. I am sick of being the only adult in this relationship. I have been thinking about my options and I have desided that he needs a case manager to be incharge of this kind of stuff and teach him to do it himself. He goes to therapy on Tuesday and I am going to leave a message for his therapist stating that he needs one, that I can't do it anymore. If that can happen it will be the first step in making my life manageable. Instead of feeling overwhelmed by my todo list I will be able to actually get things done. Not sit paralized thinking it is all too much. This whole thing sucks and somedays I wonder if I am doing the right thing. How can you tell if the way you are living your life is right for you?

So tired of being unsure

Trying to find the ability to put words together to explain my feelings has proven to be very dificult these past few weeks.