Well even though I feel like nothing is clear right now I feel as though I should get my thoughts out of my mind and onto paper, and since I can't keep a paper journal I shall continue to use blogger its just the best way for me right now.
As for right now I am in the Emergancy Department with one of my patients who was not feeling well. To err on the side of caution we are having him fully checked out. Since he is now asleep I have free time right now and no excuse to not process my thoughts. I am in such a crazy state of mind right now. I came to the realization that I no longer be in total control of my husbands care. Last week instead of him making the phone calls to get his prescription he left the bottle out for me to see it and realize I should call it in. So I saw it and ignored it. He is completly capible of doing it but wants me to do it. So he didn't have it for a few days because the office is closed on wekends. I told him he needs to take care of himself including things like this. I mentioned to him that I don't think we are ready to have a child and his response was actually infuriating. Infuriating because he really believes that what he says is true. He has said it before; once he knows a baby is on the way everything will be different, better. He will keep the house clean, take care of the animals, and take care of the baby. It will give him the push he needs because of the baby. Now anyone with half a mind can see that taking that gamble is insane! I have told him I don't believe it and if he wants to convince me otherwise he should start now and not wait. He also wants another dog and so do I but I don't want to be incharge of another animal right now. So I explained that I will fill out all the paper work to rescue a dog once he is finished with all the house projects. Not surprising nothing has been finished. I am sick of being the only adult in this relationship. I have been thinking about my options and I have desided that he needs a case manager to be incharge of this kind of stuff and teach him to do it himself. He goes to therapy on Tuesday and I am going to leave a message for his therapist stating that he needs one, that I can't do it anymore. If that can happen it will be the first step in making my life manageable. Instead of feeling overwhelmed by my todo list I will be able to actually get things done. Not sit paralized thinking it is all too much. This whole thing sucks and somedays I wonder if I am doing the right thing. How can you tell if the way you are living your life is right for you? |
I think you are doing the right thing Josie
ReplyDeleteIt has crossed my mind before, that if I had a baby, then ,maybe I would get my life back on track
But in reality I know that it's an absurd idea
A baby is not the solution
A baby would create a whole new set of problems
I've also thought about getting another dog
But I have 2 already and I know I couldn't look after 3 to the same standard
I think it's that feeling of, if I have this then everything will be ok
A baby
A dog
A new car
A new body
It's like looking for an external solution to an internal problem
It can't be fixed from the outside
It has to come from within
I'm saying this as much for myself as for you Josie
I need to realise this too
Take care x
Thanks Ruby, wouldn't it be nice if problems could be solved so easily? Everything would be just fine if only...
DeleteI think when you find happiness in your everyday, not even all day but at some point every day that it means that you are living your life the right way..
ReplyDeleteAs far as the baby goes, I can promise you that you are doing the right thing.. It is hard.. yes, he does melt my heart every day, but it is hard. The depression, the moodswings, all the changes, all the new things that scare the shit out of you and that make you confused.. well they don't fix a problem.
I hope that they will be able to give him a case manager and that it will make your everyday easier. *hugs*
Thanks Kitty, I know having a baby right now would not be a good idea on any level, it wouldn't be fair for the child. I do like how you said to find happiness in my everyday to see if I am living my life the right way, I am going to try to pick out at least one thing a day that gives me that feeling.
DeleteYears ago I saw this episode of Oprah (Yes I am one of those people ^^) where she said having a notebook or w/e and writing down the good things would help. Cause then on the days when you feel really bad, you can just look over and see what you normally are greatful/happy about.
DeleteI did it back then.. Maybe I should start doing it again. :)