After lunch

Well I am back from my lunch and it did help me see things a bit clearer. I am not happy in my marriage and that needs to change. We need to really try to fix this relationship in an honest, full on effort or it will only get worse. O.A.R.'s song Shattered has been stuck in my head *"Shattered"* In a way, I need a change From this burnout scene Another time, another town, another everything But it's always back to you Stumble out in the night From the pouring rain Made the block, sat and thought There's more I need It's always back to you But I'm good without ya Yeah I'm good without you Yeah, yeah, yeah How many times can I break til I shatter? Over the line, can't define what I'm after I always turn the car around Give me a break; let me make my own pattern All that it takes is some time But I'm shattered I always turn the car around I had no idea that the night Would take so damn long Took it out, on the street While the rain still falls Push me back to you But I'm good without ya Yeah I'm good without you Yeah, yeah, yeah How many times can I break til I shatter? Over the line, can't define what I'm after I always turn the car around Give me a break; let me make my own pattern All that it takes is some time But I'm shattered I always turn the car around Give it up, give it up Baby Give it up, give it up now, now How many times can I break til I shatter? Over the line, can't define what I'm after I always turn the car around All that I feel is the realness I'm faking Taking my time But its time that I'm wasting I always turn the car around How many times can I break til I shatter? Over the line, can't define what I'm after I always turn the car around Don't wanna turn that car around I gotta turn this thing around I have a lot of things to sort out but first I need to get some sleep. I have 5.5 hours till I need to get up for work and I think I should get some rest before I plan a way to change my life. Thank you ladies so so much you don't know how much it means to me!

I might be doing something really bad

But how is it bad if it feels right? I am meeting someone for lunch tomorrow and I hope it will clean up some of the massive confusion that is inside my head. Has anyone ever looked back at the life choices and wondered what could have been? I have been so unhappy, stressed, depressed, angry, annoyed, and confused that I don't remember the last time I felt truely carefree and not like I had to hold the whole world up by myself. For my birthday I told my husband I wanted the day to just be easy, with nothing going wrong and no complaining. And I did get that, just for the day. I don't think life is suppose to feel like this. I don't feel married. I feel like I am a live in care giver and it sucks. I don't feel like a wife. I keep thinking about how I want things to be and how to move in that direction. I hope after talking tomorrow that I can figure out what direction to follow.

My New Year

Well yesterday was my birthday. I have not abused food since 10pm the night before my birthday. I want this year to be different, better, happier, purposeful. But my head is swimming with sad tourmenting thoughts. I am playing the what if game in my mind. You know the one...if I do this what would happen? What if I had done this instead of that? I had a dream last week that I keep thinking about. It plays on one of my major what ifs. I want to act on it, but I feel it would be wrong. But that hasn't stopped my mind from finding different signs all around telling me to do it. Its not the proper thing to do. My marriage is going through a very bad rough patch right now. I don't think he has changed much, I think it is me. I think I am just tired of having to fix everything. I see something bad about to happen, I warn him, he ignores me, bad things happen, I clean up the mess. He says things are different now, he say he knows and it will be better but the night before my birthday we had an agruement. I was explaining something to him that he doesn't want to believe is true, in his mind he rewrote the story. Well I told him the truth and he flipped out. It was a much much shorter episode than any he has had I years but really? Is that what I want at this point in my life? I want...something more. I am just not sure what to do. I know I have a few options but when I start to think things through I feel like it is so much work and hassle that staying moderatly dissatisfied seems easier. How dumb is that? So am I ready for life changing events? I don't know. I do know that I am going to make some phone calls in the morning to find out what steps I would take if I choose to try the big change. Happiness is an attitude. We either make ourselves miserable, or happy and strong. The amount of work is the same. -Francesca Reigler I have to remember this saying.

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This is an article on how EDs and autism have a link, weird

Another year...

My birthday is Tuesday. I dread birthdays and new years eve because they never feel as special as I want them to be. My life feels like it is on auto pilot, nothing really changes. I have found myself thinking about my life with my husband and what I really want for my life and I just end up feeling confused. I had arranged my work schedule for August to be light and easy, I figured that with 3 days of day shift classes and a few vacation days I could make the month feel more like a summer. The classes I was to take are very easy and I actually like them. Each year we must take 3 days of training and I set mine up to be with a few co workers I like and put a vacation day on day 4, then overtime 2 days then 2 more days off the last day being my birthday. Well I had to cancell my classes because I couldn't leave my husband and puppy alone for 8 hours during the day. I take the dog out every 3 or 4 hours and Ed is not suppose to put any wt on his foot so I have been heating up food for him when I wake up for the dog. I was able to use those days as sick days so that was good but I had to cange everything because of Ed. He is the one who broke his foot because he wouldn't admit that he was in a manic state of mind. It was completly preventable. So I am still angry about that, I am tired of cleaning up his messes. I feel like that is our whole relationship right now. He swears this episode has changed him, that things will be different. I know it won't be. He has a prescription for pain killers that was filled on the 29th and he now has less than 10 left. I bore myself, it is the same thing. It will only change if I change it. Maybe that is what I will do for my birthday goal. I am going to spend some time tonight and tomorrow night watching patients on suicide watch and while I do that I am going to imagine what I want my life to be like. I need to figure out what I want so that I then can then make the changes I need to make. My life is up to me. I want change then I need to make changes. Time to get off my ass and live a real life.