Another year...

My birthday is Tuesday. I dread birthdays and new years eve because they never feel as special as I want them to be. My life feels like it is on auto pilot, nothing really changes. I have found myself thinking about my life with my husband and what I really want for my life and I just end up feeling confused. I had arranged my work schedule for August to be light and easy, I figured that with 3 days of day shift classes and a few vacation days I could make the month feel more like a summer. The classes I was to take are very easy and I actually like them. Each year we must take 3 days of training and I set mine up to be with a few co workers I like and put a vacation day on day 4, then overtime 2 days then 2 more days off the last day being my birthday. Well I had to cancell my classes because I couldn't leave my husband and puppy alone for 8 hours during the day. I take the dog out every 3 or 4 hours and Ed is not suppose to put any wt on his foot so I have been heating up food for him when I wake up for the dog. I was able to use those days as sick days so that was good but I had to cange everything because of Ed. He is the one who broke his foot because he wouldn't admit that he was in a manic state of mind. It was completly preventable. So I am still angry about that, I am tired of cleaning up his messes. I feel like that is our whole relationship right now. He swears this episode has changed him, that things will be different. I know it won't be. He has a prescription for pain killers that was filled on the 29th and he now has less than 10 left. I bore myself, it is the same thing. It will only change if I change it. Maybe that is what I will do for my birthday goal. I am going to spend some time tonight and tomorrow night watching patients on suicide watch and while I do that I am going to imagine what I want my life to be like. I need to figure out what I want so that I then can then make the changes I need to make. My life is up to me. I want change then I need to make changes. Time to get off my ass and live a real life.