My New Year

Well yesterday was my birthday. I have not abused food since 10pm the night before my birthday. I want this year to be different, better, happier, purposeful. But my head is swimming with sad tourmenting thoughts. I am playing the what if game in my mind. You know the one...if I do this what would happen? What if I had done this instead of that? I had a dream last week that I keep thinking about. It plays on one of my major what ifs. I want to act on it, but I feel it would be wrong. But that hasn't stopped my mind from finding different signs all around telling me to do it. Its not the proper thing to do. My marriage is going through a very bad rough patch right now. I don't think he has changed much, I think it is me. I think I am just tired of having to fix everything. I see something bad about to happen, I warn him, he ignores me, bad things happen, I clean up the mess. He says things are different now, he say he knows and it will be better but the night before my birthday we had an agruement. I was explaining something to him that he doesn't want to believe is true, in his mind he rewrote the story. Well I told him the truth and he flipped out. It was a much much shorter episode than any he has had I years but really? Is that what I want at this point in my life? I want...something more. I am just not sure what to do. I know I have a few options but when I start to think things through I feel like it is so much work and hassle that staying moderatly dissatisfied seems easier. How dumb is that? So am I ready for life changing events? I don't know. I do know that I am going to make some phone calls in the morning to find out what steps I would take if I choose to try the big change. Happiness is an attitude. We either make ourselves miserable, or happy and strong. The amount of work is the same. -Francesca Reigler I have to remember this saying.