For Kitty

Feeling all over the place

I feel very jumbled and antsy right now and it is very annoying.  The urge to binge is powerful and I have not been able to go more than a day or two.  So I figured I would try something.  I woke up for work and ate a hugh meal.  In all reality it was a controlled binge.  I ate until I couldn't think of taking another bite.  That was 8 hours ago and I still feel full and gross.  My thought was that I won't feel the need to binge if I have already.  I plan on eating something normal after work and be done with it for the day.  We will see what happens.
My husband broke his heel 4 months ago and it is still not healed and he is still in a lot of pain.  We can't do much because of that.  We just adopted out our third foster dog and I was ready to bring a new one home but knowing he can't walk and clean up after them stopped us.  I really want to get one this Sunday when they come in but I know I have to do the work.  Do I really need that?  No.  But I love it, most of the time I don't see it as hard work just fun.  I think I will let the group know I can take an adult dog that is house trained.  My husband can let him out in our yard while I sleep and then its just a matter of house cleaning...  I'll see maybe I should take a two week break afterall.  Eh..........
Oh and did I mention that my head is completly messing with me?  I can't stop thinking about my ex boyfriend.  He is that ex boyfriend, the one that could have worked out, the one that helped me through my worst times, the one that when we broke up for what was now I know the last time I thought we would most likely end up back together.  But we didn't.  Don't get me wrong it wasn't all rainbows and glitter, we had horrible times, he hurt me I hurt him.  But there is something.  And that feeling won't go away.  I have played the what if game...  if we were together I would have this and that and la dee dah.  I have felt this way for a long time, I wasn't even sure what I was feeling until about 3 months ago. 
Have you heard the song Bruises by Train?  I heard it a few times and liked it but didn't listen to the words, then I heard it while driving and I started to cry.  I have a playlist that it is now on and I listen to it too much I am sure.  Actually, I have a playlist of songs like that, that give me that yearning tug.  I don't know if I am explaining myself right.  I think it is a bad sign that I listen to a playlist on repeat that makes me tear up or long for a different life.

Well rested!

I work night shift, midnight til 8:30am.  I went to bed at 2pm and slept til 5:30 am.  Yes I see how that could be viewed as excessive however I now feel awesome!  You see I was suppose to work last night but a supervisor called me at 5pm to cancel my shift, since I was sleeping I said ok and fell right back asleep.  When I woke up at my normal time, 10pm, I told my husband I wasn't working and I was going back to sleep.  I know he as somewhat upset that I went back to sleep instead of hanging out with him but I was tired and knew this was chance to get fully rested.  So I went back to sleep and around 1 am I awoke and took some of my prescription medicine and the woke up at 5:30am.  Since everyone,( two dogs, cat and hubby) were sleeping I put all my clan clothes away, and cleaned the bedroom up somewhat.  I sorted the laundry into 3 piles; whites, must wash, and wash later.  I now have the must wash in the dryer and I am thinking of doing the whites later on depending on when my hubby wakes up.  And I did make my oup yesterday.  I made 14 cups worth so I should be good for a few days.  I love soup!  This is a brand new recipe so I can't wait to taste it. 
Ok I have now been awake for 4 hours and I have the whole day ahead...
Ladies thank you so much for your support.  Emily the small city I live in is really old and a bunch of the buildings are old and gothic looking.  I love them.

My library

Feeling down

So yesterday work was a bit more crazy/stressful and I ended up bingeing.  It sucks.  I am up in wt to a point that I can't wear most of my clothes.  I feel so stupid, I know bingeing is an unhealthy coping method that only makes me feel worse each and every time.  My mood has been up and down, and I just don't feel like doing anything.  So I am going to shorten my To Do list and concentrate on only there things for now.
Do at least one load of laundry
Put clothes away, all the clean ones that I haven't put away yet
Make soup.

These are the most important because it will eliminate two of my biggest stressors what to wear and what to eat.  Then I will be able to focus, I hope.  Well at least it is a plan.  I love making soup so that is another bonus.  Oh well its a start to get me feeling less blah...

November

I have been trying to get myself back to a healthy mindset and its just been so hard. I spent almost two whole days last week sleeping. I took time off work one day and was canceled the next day, I slept. that's really it. Trying to have the energy and want to shower is a struggle right now. At work I am ok, all though the other day I was not as kind and compassionate as someone in my job should be, that's when I knew I needed to take time off. Seriously, part of my job is being nice if I can't do that I shouldn't be there. I skipped therapy one day, didn't return a bunch of important phone calls and just basically doing the bare minimum in life. BUT... I have forced myself to be more social. I am a foster mom for an animal rescue and I have my third dog right now. She is sweet and pushes me. Because of the rescue group I go to open adoption events, charity events and so far on meeting at one persons house. I am now friendly with a few people and I am trying to actually make friends which feel nice and really lame. Right now I don't have real friends and I want that to be different. So I am trying small steps, being friends on facebook,.making positive comments and trying to actually have conversations. Both at work and with the rescue group. The fact that I have a five month old dog also makes me participate in life. I can't leave work and crawl back in bed until my next shift. I have to teach this puppy how to be an awesome family dog. It also reminds me that small things add up. Autumn would have been put to sleep (killed) if the rescue groups had not coordinated to get a group of dogs from several states away to my town. These dogs have all been the nicest and sweetest dogs, but because they were at the shelter a few months they were set to die. Instead one little puppy is in my living room right now. Somedays it is a bit overwhelming. But that is good. I need to push myself to really live. So my goal for this month is to concentrate on being a whole person. I saw a shooting star on my way to work and I wished for "enough". Enough love, passion, strenght, money, motivation, happiness- just enough. I hope all of you have enough.