Still not feeling right

It's been a long time since I have actually blogged because I have been in such a funk.  I turned 33.  I am stuck in a marriage to a man I love,  who can't live the type of life I want to live.   My depression is kicking my ass lately.   I saw the therapist that prescribes my meds and she added a new med.  I went to the appointment looking how I felt.  Like shit.  I have been with her since 2005 so she could tell I wasn't right or even near it.  We also did blood work and looks like my thyroid is not be having so I made an appointment with my regular medical doctor to review and do some follow up testing.   Odd that an under active thyroid shows some of the same symptoms as depression. 
I can't even finish this post I am lost in my head.

I am about to go to sleep.  I have prepared everything I need to have to keep my focus this week.   I must focus on my health.

Tired

I feel like I could sleep for two days right now.  I am just worn out.   It doesn't help that after work I was only able to sleep for four hours.  I am working tonight as overtime as a technician instead of admissions which theoretically should be easy and relaxing.   But that is only in theory.  For all I know all hell could break loose.  
Life continues to be crazy.   It's actually not been too horrible which makes planning to leave him harder.   He is trying but it is still not something I can continue with.  He can't stay on top of doing laundry,  dishes, and taking care of the animals but thinks having a baby is a great idea.  Umm, NO.  The thing is I know I want children.   I don't have to be a bio mom or anything, that has never been an issue with me.   I just want a child.   I can't do that with him. 
My goal for next week is to find a lawyer.   I have to figure out a time line for everything to happen.  I am going to have to figure out where I will live while all of this is happening.   The tentative plan is to have us move into a smaller apartment and then serve him the papers.  It should then take a minimum of six months for it to be finalized.  During that time we can't live together but I have to support him.  That is what I found out when I had a conversation with a lawyer through the Womens resource center.   Awesome.   So I have to hire myself a lawyer and support him for 6 months.   I might end up staying in my parents house but they don't have a spare bedroom and are allergic to my dog.  So i need to figure that out too.

For Ruby

As I read one of your posts this popped in my head.

June 2014

Kitty inspired me to actually set some goals for the month and I am very glad.   I don't want to drift through my life. I realized a few days ago how set in my ways I get.  I wrote this to a friend.

Last year at this time the job I have now was created.   A few people asked if I was going to apply.  I said no because of fear.  The person they hired lasted a few months before being demoted.   I applied, got it and love it.  I said no for no good reason.

I was explaining that I don't want "no" to be my default answer any more.   So between that revelation and the fact that I have setup appointments to figure out what to do about my marriage it is time to get my shit together.
I have another meeting at the Womens resource center to consult with a lawyer about what I will have to do.   I know I will need a decent amount of money to set up a real exit plan.   Knowing how much will be helpful.  I cashed in some of my vacation time and I should be getting that check at the end of this week.   That is my divorce fund.  God that is such a depressing concept.  
So my goal for this month is to figure out how I need to proceed with the divorce.   My plan is to set up the divorce Katie Holmes style.   Have everything ready to go and spring it on him.  It is the safest way to do it even though I feel like it is the meanest thing I could think of doing to him.   I am scared of how he will react.  I can think of a few ways he could respond and none of them are good.   There is no nice way to do this.  
My other goal is to socialize more.  I want to actually hang out with people and have real interactions.   My goal is to do something each week.   This week was an adoption event for the rescue and I am going to do a "class" for my nieces girl scout like group on fruit.  Next week I have a dinner with some people from work and I am going to do a self defense class with some women from the rescue and I invited some ladies from work too.  Just typing that made me happy.  

Feeling reality

Fuck I didn't save my post as I wrote it and now it's gone.  Maybe that is the universe making me really examine my feelings and reality which I have been trying to avoid.
I had written about my super power.   See I can just exist and not feel my feelings or face the blatant truth.   It allows me to continue with "life" but I am not actually living.   I pretend everything is fine and go to work,  make small talk,  and no one knows what is really going on.
Not a coping skill I recommend but I am aware when I am doing it, like when I don't post here for awhile because I don't want to acknowledge how I am feeling.   A blank page is my way of trying not to feel.   It doesn't work but then again crappy coping mechanisms rarely do.  I was honest in therapy this week and told my counselor that I purged.  It was more than once and it didn't help at all.   Well that's not true it showed me how sick I am making myself.   My situation sucks but I can change it. I don't need to pretend everything is fine.  It's not.  It sucks.
It sucks that my therapist, my counselor and you ladies are the only people who know what is going on.
It sucks taking a giant step backwards.
It sucks that my old coping skill didn't help.  (Did it ever? )
It sucks that I know what I have to end my marriage.
It just sucks.
I am meeting with a lawyer this week.   I had an appointment last week but she got tied up in court so we rescheduled.   She works with the local domestic violence group and I hope she can tell me what I need to do.   I have no idea how to get a divorce let alone divorce someone who I have been taking care of for about 10 years.   Even though he hurts me and I know I can't continue to live like this, I don't want to hurt him.  I still love him that hasn't changed.   But I know what we have is not good for either of us.  He needs to get help that he hasn't had to get because I take care of and clean up his messes.  Me purging made me realize that I can't continue to drag my feet any longer. I must keep going and finish this.   I don't know what I am doing but hopefully I find the right people to help me.