120

Wt: 120
Fm: 26.2
F%:21.9
H20:57%
B%:6.2
BMI:21.2

Ok I am headed in the right direction atleast.

my future

So my husband wanted to know why I am not sure now is a good time to have children and I finally told him the truth. I said to him do you remember what happened in March? He did not and didn't want to explain further. If I had continued I would have had to explain that about every three or four months THAT happens. Or that every so often he blacks out and loses a few hours of a day. How can we bring children into this situation?
So now he is upset with me. To be honest I am upset with him, why do I have to be the "rational" one all the time. Thinking about what a situation would really be like, not how we hope it would be. Sure there is a chance that some how we would still be able to pay all of our bills and buy a small house, have a baby or two and have me work while he raised the kids. Is that realistic at all? NO! Why can't he see the truth? I will be over worked while pregnant, freaking out about bills and gaining wt. I would be leaving him with an infant while I have to go back to work missing all the firsts of the childs life. What happens if he blacks out? He isn't even taking care of what we have now, the house is a mess, he doesn't cook meals even weekly anymore, and I help with the animals as much as I can. I also work 6 days a week now for the money.
But today is a new day, he is still asleep and I plan to have feed, medicated and cleaned up after the animals before he wakes up. Hopefully we can hace a nice day together before I have to go to sleep for work. I hope so.

120.4

Wt 120.4
FM 26.4
F% 22
H20 56.9
B% 6.2
BMI 21.2
Slowly getting more comfortable in my eating and how I "see" myself. Sometimes I catch a glimpse of what I would deam a good slim body that I could almost be ok with, but its fleeting and I doubt I would be content for long. My eating has been much more controlled; I have not binged in what seems like forever when really it has been maybe a week. But I have been out to eat with my husband twice to an awesome Asian restaurant that has a habatshi station and I was proud of how I chose to eat. I made a giant pile of veggies to be cooked and finished that before going back to get a few bites of some of the non healthy foods. It wasn't bad at all I felt full. Then two hours later I started to feel gross and too full. I had to remind myself I did not over eat, that I was just over tired. It helped minimally. I do think that I was over tired from working seven straight nights and I didn't want to disappoint X by going to sleep too early in the afternoon. I finally went to sleep at 5:30 PM and slept for 12 hours. It was awesome. I am off tonight so I will be able to spend time with X which will be really nice.
I also tried on some summer clothes and my magical blue shorts - the ones I wore the summer I felt comfortable in my body- fit, sort of that is. I was able to put them on zip and button them but I had such a muffin top I would wear them yet. But they are a great marker for how I want my body to look. When they fit properly I think I will feel better.

121.4 goals for the month

Wt:121.4
Fat mass:27.1
Fat percentage:22.4
H2O:56.6
Bone mass:6.2
Bmi:21.4

Ok so I have a goal for myself for 7/9 to be 115lbs. That is 3 weeks away and 2lbs per week. That is not a lot at all to shoot for at this time.
.........
So I told my therapist this week that my "eating disorder" traits have been more and more prevalent. In turn she upped my xanax. she thinks it is anxiety that is stressing me out and causing me to focus on food and the scale. They (yup I see two people) are right but Icant really change much in my life so I have to deal or change, not sure which one will happen.
Night shift nurses stations are toxic, who thinks it is a good idea to eat pizza at 3:30 am? I took a few bites and tossed the rest, I have goals and can't be derailed for rehearted pizza.
On a good note I started new diet pills that seem pretty good. I don't expect a miricle just 6lbs to go away!

122.8

Not where I wanted to be wt wise but after three days off with lots of deviation from wt loss eating, its a surprise I am not heavier. The past is the past though. So far today I am doing well and have a good plan for my eating. I already had "breakfast" a homemade quesidilla and an apple. I brought to work a HUGE salad that has chickpeas(1/2 cup) and string cheese in it. And after work I plan on having a roast beef wrap. I will most likley have to add something else in after work but before bed but that is not set yet.
It is amazing to me that my husband doesn't see how I am struggling. He sugested I pick up a dozen donuts the other day not to mention eating out the day before and after the donuts. Nah that's just fine. No big deal. I have tried to explain to him that I think about this crap all the time but he just doesn't get it. All I have to do is get back to 113 and I will feel better.
I hope.

back on track!

Ok I am ready and determined to get my wt back down to atleast 113. I am pissed off that some of my clothes from last summer are not going to fit me at this wt. I have spent the last few months at a steady wt while I "cleaned up" my eating. No more diet soda, no aspertame, no high fructose corn syrup. I am even going to be giving up splenda now that I have used it all up at home.
By 7/4 I want to be a 113. That gives me a goal to work for which is helpful. My plan for the days I work is to not eat before work and instead bring a salad and a banana or two with me. I can eat that here and when I get home I will have a wrap or ONE bowl of kashi with almond milk. The cereal is still tough for me, I normally eat way too much of it and end up mad at myself so I need a back up plan like the wrap. I don't forsee this plan being hard to follow at work, once in awhile people will bring in food but I can't binge in front of other people so that will keep me in check. The hardest part is once I leave work. From 8:30 until 2. I have to get back my strong wiipower. If I have lost in the past I can lose now.