Update

So last week as things were getting back to my lifes version of normal life got interesting again.  On the 23rd I woke up at 6:30pm to my dog barking like crazy.  I was planning on waking up at 7:30 to shower and spend time with hubby before work.  So I got out of bed and went downstairs to see what was wrong.  What was wrong?  Well my front door was open with only the screen door closed and my husband was no where to be found.  So I looked around the house to double check and found his cellphone and wallet were still in the house.  I hoped he had walked to the store and forgot to lock the door so I went and drove around the neighborhood.  Nothing.  I checked his phone to see if he had maybe talked to a friend beforehand or something.  Nothing.  I continued to look around town anywhere I thought he would have gone.  Finally at 9:30 I get a phone call. Its the ER.  He is ok, he was finally able to remember his last name.  Since he had no ID on him they had toget information from him and he was completly out of it.  So I drive to the hospital and call off work on my way.  I get to h ER and I talked to the Dr.  I could tell the dr thought he was on drugs or something but I explained that this has happened before.  He has a mental break and blacks out with no idea of what happened.  I have been with him and witnessed it, he has no memory of what goes on during it.  So I told the dr I called off work (I did tell him the hospital I work at, its the mental hospital , and we admitt patients from that ER) and he said after the lab results come back I could take him home.  So he doesn't remember pretty much anything and has no idea why he left the house.  Not great.  I am looking to buy him a medical id braclet so that this won't happen to this extent again.

Flat

Main Entry: flat Part of Speech: adjective Definition: dull, lackluster to the senses LACKLUSTER to the SENSES I actually used the dictionary/thesaurus app on my phone to find a word or phrase that would truely express my current state of mind.  I am going to write what happened so that I have a record of it. On 7/30 I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. On 8/8 I had an appointment at Planned Parenthood to receive the "abortion pill". Kind of a misnomer because you take one pill at the clinic then 24 to 48 hours later you take a second medication which you stick 4 of them between your jaw a checks to dissolve for 30 minutes and then swallow. I was also given pills to make sure I didn't throw up and some OTC painkillers. My husband doesn't know what I did. I told him I had work training when I went to the doctors and took the second round of meds at work. I started to bleed within 2 hours. I told him I miscarried. I followed up with te planned parenthood in my town for the second visit so I didn't have to drive the 2 hours back to the other one. On 8/20 my husband threw a remote at me while I was agrueing with me. I'm not even sure what we were agrueing about. I know I was upset because I think he is not taking his meds correctly. Kolonipin is not a morning med. I was upset because he was pretty out of it, and I can't stand when he is like that. So my point that we cannot have a child was proven again.

Where do I begin?

Well here I am back at work, getting back to my normal schedule of working. I am glad I had taken the four days off after working 12 in a row. I wish it had been more enjoyable but when you deny reality it tends to sucker punch you and stab you in the neck. I can't deny reality any longer, I have to be realistic and know what the limitations of my life will be. Do I want children? Yes. Can I bring a child into the life I live? No. Part of my husbands illness makes him unable to understand this. He thinks I miscarried. I told my therapist today. I have told no one except medical professionals. I didn't even want to go to my appointment but I know I need to talk about it. I have been on "automatic" since July 31st. I am able to get through things that way but I know its not healthy to stay like this too long. Pretending everything is ok does not actually make everything ok. I have binged so much that tonight I am wearing my fat jeans. I ganed 10lbs in 2 weeks. This stops now also.

I didn't wake up from this nightmare

Maybe my body is just faking it.  I feel like I am about to get my period, I know that is not very logical but a small percentage of the tests are false positives so why not mine?  It not like I haven't skipped a period in the past.  I still haven't told anyone.  I can't.  I should call my therapist, but if I talk about it, it will be real.  It can't be real.  I have to take control and fix everything. I need things to be managable again.

Well this happened

I haven't blogged in days because something happened and I felt as if I wrote it down it would be real. Of course it is real no matter what I do and I can't talk about it in my real life. I can't believe this is reality. Let me start from Monday morning. After work I went to the park to sit in the tree house and then went to see my therapist. That was fine. I went home and my husband asked if I got my period yet. I hadn't. I took a test. I got 2 lines. I am pregnant. I have always known I wanted kids, when I was little I used to play pretend and adopt children. But that was before. Now I am married and the primary caregiver of my bipolar husband. I have thought about how things would be and I know the baby wouldn't be safe. I don't want that to be true but it is. I took the test on Monday around 11am, since then he has shown that this cannot be. Little things add up to big things over time. Not cooking or doing dishes is one thing but as it adds up I know he could not care for a child by himself while I sleep or go to work. He wants to be able to I know he does, but the truth is he can't. I can't. Friday he choked me. This can't be real. Please let me wake up. I have never wanted my period more. I know what needs to be done, I called to find out the information. I don't want to but its not safe.