Its always something...

I feel like I never have time to write and really get everything out of my head. Life was going fairly well during last post, I felt like I was improving and I was hopeful. Then my real life came back. My husband Ed had a manic episode and I could tell it was escalating when I left for work at 11:30 at night. I was right. He started sending me odd text messages around 5 am that I couldn't understand. By 6:30 am I had figured out he was locked out of our house, couldn't stand, and still confused. I left work early and found him outside unable to tand on his right foot. I took him to the hospital and it turns out he fractured a bone in his foot. Awesome. So he has been stuck on the couch since 7/14. He can get up the stairs 1x a day if he needs to, but otherwise he is using a urinal I took from the hospital. This means that I am now taking full care of him and the animals. I have to wake up to walk the dogs every few hours, I have had to take all 3 of them to vet appointments, and bring Ed his meds and make him food. I have rearly ever had a problem stying awake at work. That was always. Joke that my special skills include watching a person sleep and not falling asleep also. But now forget it. Being that I do overtime here at work some days I don't stay my whole shift, till 8:30am and instead I leave at 6, 7, or whenever I can. So the otherday I left at 7:30 and drove to the library to pick up the books I had on hold. It doesn't open until 9 so I parked the car under some trees and took a nap. It was so nice! Yup, sleeping in the car was very nice. Ugh. So I am exhausted and yesterday I called in sick. I had stayed up for 22 hours taking care of so many errands including taking Ed for an appointment at 3 in the after noon. By the time I was able to lay down it as 6pm. I called off work and woke up 1x to walk the dogs and then at 6am. I felt so groggy. Now I am here at work and I am fighting to stay awake. Fighting. I feel like all I do is fight. Ed swears this accident has changed him and that things will be different. He seems upset that I couldn't believe him. He has said it before, how do I know things will change? The thought of placing him in a group home crossed my mind again, not divorce but a seperation. If I can't ensure his safety and the safety of the animals it will have to come to that. Right now I could curl up just bout anywhere and fall asleep. I need to make a to do list for afterwork otherwise I won't do anything productive. Luckily I don't have much to just a few errands then lounge on the sofa and watch Kic Ass with hubby. I took two movies out this week from the library and I think I will be doing that more often. Movies for free is not a bad deal especially since so many have come out that I haven't seen. Anyone have suggestions for movies? Nothing that will make me cry is my only rule.

What Makes You A 'Real Woman'

What Makes You A 'Real Woman' - http://huff.to/1b3DI7z

Living

Well it is Friday morning and here I am at work looking back at the week and feeling pretty good. I did binge this week, however, I also did things this week. Monday I didn't sleep much because my hubby had a court appearance due to kicking down a door during a manic episode, luckily we only have to pay the owner of the building for the repair and it prompted a medication change that seems to be working for him. Tuesday we went out for pizza before I went to work. Actually hubby went to play volleyball with a league we signed him up with while I slept and then we went for pizza. Wenesday I had a check in with my PA who oversees my medication and afterwards all five of us (me,hubby, cat, and two dogs) watched tv in bed. It was the first time all of us did that so it was cute. P.S. One Eyed Jack the Cat still doesn't like the dogs but is being nicer. Thursday we were trying to bring Jack to the vet but he was freaking out so bad we cancelled and will try next week. I never saw the poor guy so upset. So instead we all watched a bad tv movie about sharks that were thought to have died out killing people. I love watching movies you know are poor quality, its funny. So today I need to bring Rover to the vet to check out his limp and make sure he is healing okay. I also want to pick somethings up at the store and exchange a bra I bought. But I am really excited that on Saturday I am going to a free yoga class. I have been told yoga would be great for me, you know finding my center and all of that but I never could really say I was ready. I think I am ready to try it and see if I like it. Then we are taking Rover to a foster/adoption expo, hopefuly finding him his forever home. I am going to continue with my whole "Live Actively" mantra. I don't know if this is something that I will drop and forget about but for now it is keeping my mood more upbeat and that's nice. The app I downloaded "recovery record" has been a neat tool to use this past week. I can see it being really helpful as a tool used with a treatment team but for now I just am using it for me. So far so good. I have to be more aware of my bingeing. I did certain things this week that I know I shouldn't do and that make it hard for me to stay on track so this week I need to put up my safety guards: no sugary cereal, no cash to work for the vending machine, and cake is not a meal! Ok guess I need to charge my phone before it dies. So what are you planning to do to avoid your triggers?

Quote

Everything you want is on the other side of fear. -Jack Canfield

Raw

What goes up must come down. Now if only my ups would last longer than a few hours because my downs sure do. Well let's see I downloaded "recovery record" as a free app and one called postive thoughts to help be stay optimistic and hopeful. It helps. If I look at myself subjectivly I know my depression is very strong right now and that I need to address it. However I would rather take a 14 hour nap, wake up to have 6 bowls of cereal, and go back to sleep for another 10 hours. Again, I can look at that and say "wow that's not a healthy feeling", but somedays I just have less fight in me than I need. I am at work right now so my plan to clear my head and focus on ways to navigate my up coming week. It is now technically Friday morning but days really don't mater to me. I know the next seven are brutal so I need a game plan. Ofcourse I have therapy tomorrow and I want to cancel so that I can instead go to my bed and wallow, however, I will not let that happen. I feel better after my session its just before hand my mind is filled with anxiety. I think it is list making time, that always helps. Ok chicks, what are ways that you use to pull through a rough patch? Anyone?

Recovery Record

So I was browsing through apps on my phone to see bmi and I found Recovery Record. It is a free app that is ment to help you on your recovery from an ED. I started using it today and so far I have to say it seems really nice. I guess there is a way that you and your counselor can use it together also but for now its for me. It let's me set a reminder to eat, to refocus, and hopefully the inspiring quotes will help too.

July WOW

How is it July already? We are more than half way through this year and I don't feel like I did much of anything. I am happy to say that our "foster" dog Grover is doing very well, he has been such a sweetie. We will definitly miss him when he finds his forever home. We are still trying to adopt "Theo" who is about 4 or 5 years old as more of an emoitional support animal for my husband. He seems like a dog who could handle that job. Food wise I have binged less which is good but I still am using food as an emoitional response to stress. I am trying to find a better way to cope with stress and my goal is to actually plan my schedule a bit better so that I have my responsibilities spread out more. Right now I have a lot of things all clumped together but I am going to make a big effort to stop doing that. I like my new therapist, although, before every visit so far I have wanted to cancel my appointment and just pretend everything is fine. I do feel good after the visit its just my anxiety trying to take over. Speaking of emoitions I did something dumb, I signed up for overtime on the childrens unit thinking that if I only stayed til 6 am I would be ok and not get myself upset. I was very wrong! I went over and I had to watch a 4 year old who was on a supervised watch all night long. He is 4! Tiny and sweet looking, cute and silly when he woke up. I am going to try one more shift over there and if it still makes me upset then I will tell my boss I just can't do it. I want to give it another shot and see if it was just the fact that it was a4 year old that upset me. I have decided that this month I am going to actively live my life and not just get by. I want to enjoy the different parts of my life and not burn out on one part and miss out on other parts. So that is my motto for this week atleast. Live activly.