Holy shit

A woman killed herself last week.   She had been a patient at the hospital I work in.   I should not be especially shocked,  I mean I work in a psychiatrist hospital after all.  I was aware that someone recently discharged had overdosed and felt horrible for the family.   I mean your relative is discharged from the hospital you would think they were in a stable mind set.   But life doesn't always make sense.   Yesterday a nurse mentioned what the young lady took and how much.   It made my legs weak.  She overdosed on the medication my husband has been over taking.   It was a number I could imagine him taking.  
That cleared my thoughts up quickly.   He is definitely a danger to himself.  I must do something, I can't just sit by and watch this happen.

Plan

Okay,  after thinking about what is going on I have been trying to figure out a plan.   I could/should have brought him to the hospital a few times by now but haven't for various reasons all of which is moot at this point.   I have to do something.   So this weekend I have one day off and if he continues on this path I will get him to the hospital.   That is the easy part.   If he does need inpatient care finding a place will be bothersome.   I can take him to the hospital with a psy unit but if they are full the next option is the hospital I work at which can't happen.   There are other options and I am preparing myself for all possibilities.  
So there is.
If need be I will be taking my husband to the hospital.   No more waiting or telling myself it's all okay anymore.   It's really just one of the steps I need to do.   One step at a time.

OD

So I just woke up for work,  actually my husband woke me up, to run to the store to get him tobacco.   I came back from the store and looked around the kitchen.   I then realize that he had 40 oz of beer and about 50 Benedryl while I slept.   Benedryl pills have 25mg of diphenhydramine in them. 
I think my next day off I am going to have to bring him to the hospital,  this is getting ridiculous.   If he repeats this behavior I have to.  This could end up really bad.

Trying to figure shit out.

I am fed up with myself at this point.   I don't want to do anything.   I was getting so bad that I am back to taking caffeine pills and another medication just to function.   It's completely working;  I have energy,  I don't need to sleep 10 hours,  waking up is easy and I can function how a normal person would.   Problem is that I know I shouldn't be taking this combination.   It's completely legal, but I should wait and see if my new prescription would work.   But I couldn't stand it any longer.   I normally build up a tolerance after a month or so and stop so when I stop hopefully it will be right as my new medication kicks in. 
Seriously, I can justify anything if I try.  
But really I just couldn't stay how I was. 

Still not feeling right

It's been a long time since I have actually blogged because I have been in such a funk.  I turned 33.  I am stuck in a marriage to a man I love,  who can't live the type of life I want to live.   My depression is kicking my ass lately.   I saw the therapist that prescribes my meds and she added a new med.  I went to the appointment looking how I felt.  Like shit.  I have been with her since 2005 so she could tell I wasn't right or even near it.  We also did blood work and looks like my thyroid is not be having so I made an appointment with my regular medical doctor to review and do some follow up testing.   Odd that an under active thyroid shows some of the same symptoms as depression. 
I can't even finish this post I am lost in my head.

I am about to go to sleep.  I have prepared everything I need to have to keep my focus this week.   I must focus on my health.