Angry? Disappointed?

Not really sure what I am feeling, but I am feeling many different emoitions right now. I mean come on! If you are feeling something or doing something that you need hide that normally means its not the best thing in terms of choices. I am not even sure what is going on but I know it is wrong. Fuck being vague, my husband is being an ass. I am pissed at his lack of consideration towards me and the life we have built together. I have caught him lying, omitting details, going out of his way to make sure I don't know about different details, basicaly being really shady. That is not how my marriage will be, I refuse to live like this. Well I guess I do know how I feel angry. I have been very clear to him the path in life I want to live and he has changed course. Someone/something needs to change and I don't see it being my ideals. I will this with one of my favorite quoets right now: As Gilda Radner used to say, "It's always something." "I wanted a perfect ending," she wrote in her autobiography, It's Always Something, toward the end of her life. "Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next."

Testing a new writing app.

Not sure how this will work for blogger so this is just a test.

Saddest place on earth

You know how Disney World is called the happiest place on Earth, well right now I am sitting in the saddest place on Earth. That's right I am working midnight to 7am on the childrens unit in a mental health hospital. I have a love/hate relationship with this unit. It can be really easy for most of the night since the kids sleep better than adults but its so sad. I am with 11 kids under the age of 12. Last week they had a 3 year old. A 3 year old! Every 15 minutes I have to check on the 4 bedrooms and make sure everyone is ok and it is so weird to see kids in the beds. I normally work on an adult unit so peeking into a bedroom and seeing a 6 year old laying in bed with their teddy bear is very jarring. But I also love this unit because it gives stability to some of these kids. Its so sad to hear an adult say that they like it better in the hospital than their regular life, but for a kid to say it breaks my heart. I was reading some information on the pts and I stopped myself, it was too much. 3 foster homes in less than 3 weeks, dad in jail for abusing her, sexually preoccupied 12 year old girl. I just want to take these kids and you know parent them. That's all some of them really need an adult to give them stability and love. That's why they like it here they are surrounded by adults who are sober, loving, caring, pay attention to them, given boundries, and take care of them. Ugh, I just can't believe how horrible people can be. Ok well on to other aspects of my life. I have been more dissatisfied with life in general for the past few weeks but it has been really strong in certain things which clearly tells me what needs to change. My husband and I are not on the same page when it comes to certain things and it is fustrating. I feel like he doesn't realise he is a 35 year old man not a 21 year old boy. Life is very different as an adult with different responsibilities, expectations, consequences and a future to plan. I am not saying we need to stop having fun and only talk about our 401k but I would like him show me that he isn't waiting to grow up. Perfect example from the other day: he says to me that when I get pregnant he will have our place completly fixed up and how all these different behaviors will change. I was in a very blunt mood that day and turned towards him and said "I hate when you say that, you have been saying how things will change when..., but I want the change now." So in turn I am trying to sort out my expectations in my head of the life I want to live. What can I do to in life to have more joy, contentment, calmness and fulfillment? I have been trying to figure this out in a very passive mannor and it seems like I am getting no where. My next few days I really want to focus on how I want my life to be, ad then figure out a road map to get there. I know for sure somethings but wow do I feel clueless in general. One major thing is where we live. I love the location and the layout but it has seen better days. We rent and the place is well over due for new floors and stuff but I have never brought it up to the landlord because I always felt we would move "soon". Well I have lived here since 2005 so its time for me to realise that I don't really want to move I just want things nice again. New floors, fresh paint, fix doors and other broken stuff and really make it a house and not a storage unit. I plan on taking over the small room that is connected to our bedroom and turning it into my lady den. Hubby has the spae bedroom as his man cave and I want a small area that is nice and peaceful. I plan on having only my reclining chair in the room and organizing myself with a lot of shelves and a filing cabinet. I know creating an organized area for myself will help me with my overall well being and contentment. So that's the rumblings that have been running through my head. Its a bit of a jumbled mess but its nice to get it out of my mind and really look at it. It comes down to what it always comes down to, if I don't like something I need to change it. I need to actively change my life.

So tired

Ugh. That's all, just ugh. I am so run down these past few days I have no energy to do anything. I mean I am so sluggish that I sat down on my tub while I brushed my teeth earlier. At work I waited over an hour to use the bathroom because getting up and going all the way to the bathroom seemed like too much. Thank goodness work has been very mellow this week, I don't know how I would have been able to make it through a night otherwise. Last night was wonderful actually, as tonight has been also. I had two admissions tonight but I can do those rather quickly at his point especially if it a patient who has been here before itts less scary of a process then. I was able to stick to my goal of sleeping at last 8 hours and doing something for myself. I am very worried about next weekend though. My husband is going away for the weekend with his best friend and I am worried something will happen. I am so glad I got him a medical id braclet that has his dx on it and my cell phone number. If anything happens all someone has to do is look at the braclet and they can call me. My biggest fear is not medical staff calling me but police calling instead. What if he has a manic episode and police think he is high or something? That is why I put his dx on the braclet, it says bipolar hx/psychosis. Kind of blunt huh? I know there is no point in worrying. I want him to go and have an awesome time and I am excited to have the house to myself, I even have one of the days off. Well time to actually work while I am here at the hospital. Hope everyone has a great week.

What a week

Well last week was very interesting I must say. Let's see I got my period, had two major binges, over medicated myself, fought with my husband, and then got way too drunk and threw up for four hours and the next day celebrated my nieces 7th birthday. So umm pretty eventful and obnoxious so I am glad that is over. So this week will be better. To avoid fights with my husband I laid down the "friend rule": you can hang out with a friend that is fine and normal, however, anything you do with a female friend you have to be ok with me doing with a male friend. I think that rule is very fair and he agreed so let's see how this works. Food wise I have been ok the past few days back to trying to eat a nice balance of things even at my moms. I did have cake and pie but I didn't feel out of control and it did balance ok with the rest of my day. Monday morning after work I made a pot of soup like I had been wanting to for awhile. I had all my ingreedients and it will last me til Friday when I get paid so it worked out well. I keep modifying the recipe to give it more flavor so hopefully this time is a winner. Goal wise this week I am going to focus on me. Its not selfish I have to remind myself to take care of me first otherwise I can only last so long before I crumble. So this week I will get 8 hours or more of sleep, eating moderatly and midefully, and make sure I do at least one thing that makes me feel good about myself. I need to relax being angry takes a lot of energy that I just cannot spare. I hate feeling like that. I am angry and resentful at my husband right now and it sucks. I have to tell him how I feel otherwise I am just lugging it around and that is not conducive to a happy healthy life. Oh and life lesson listen to happy soothing songs when angry not angry rap or pissed off songs. Hope you chicks are having a great week and that it only gets better.

My vacation from real life

So I binged Monday morning after work.  I fought the battle in my head all throughout work, on my way home, until I pulled into the parking lot of the store.  I got my drug and wished I had a spoon with me, I even looked for a plastic one in the small ready to eat section of the store.  I got home, ate the whole thing and went to my bed.  By this time I had been taking one of my medications that I control how much I normally take.  I am pescribe upto 1.5mg a day and have them in .5mg tablets.  I sometimes don't take any, sometimes .5, or 1mg, but hardly ever do I take the full 1.5.  Well I am not exactly sure how much I took, I believe it was between 2.5 -3.5.  I didn't feel as numb as I had hpoed but I did sleep for 14 hours.  I binged again on Wednesday after work but not as bad.  Same begining as Monday but when I got home my husband was awake.  He saw me eat the whole cake.  He said I know what you are doing, and I said you know I am still upset right?  And then I explained why I was mad at him and how I can not pretend it is all ok, because it is not.  Just because you clean up after a storm doesn't mean the storm didn't happen. Ok so I binged.  I let my emoitions get in control instead of my mind.  I can't let myself get that upset, sitting and stewing until I exploid.  So fresh start.  I have my healthy food here at work to eat and after work I am not sure what I will eat just yet but I will think about that before I get home so I don't deside while starving and standing in my kitchen.  I also have to keep up with this whole explaining how I feel stuff.  I am just not use to it but as I know I have to.  I can not just pretend everything is ok and wait unit I melt down.  I have to explain to my husband what I am feeling and why.  So for the goal for the next 12 hours, which is how much longer I will be awake, I need to focus on my healthy life. That means staying calm here at work and afterwards with my husband. I am taking him to see his therapist at noon then coming home to go to bed. He runs late a lot so I plan around that because I hate being late. I am also going to eat before hand so that when I get back home I will be able to go right to sleep. I need to remind myself that I can't change everything, but I can change how I react! Ok back to my real life. Its time to live.

Dinner

I ate the whole container.  6 cups 1,560 calories. Not having a good few days. However it is up to me to change this.