123.6

I must love to ruin things, why else would I eat 3 donuts at once? Is ever really a good idea to eat 900 calories at once? No.
Well I did se 122.2 for one day so my goal is 121 for Friday. I will be strict. I will not binge eat.
I ate 3 donuts because
1. They are donuts!
2. They are yummy!
3. They were available.
4. I am nervous for today.

Today I have two things going on: meet my new therapist and take my husband before a jugde to hopefully end his probation. I have been a bundle of nerves all night, even driving to work I couldn't stop the anxiety. I hate the what if game that plays none stop in my head. I keep telling myself to "play the tape through" like they say in AA. If my therapist sucks I can try another, it would be a pain in the ass but I would be able to change if I felt it was nessessary. My husbands event is much more nerve raking. Let's see what's the worst case? They arrest my husband and he tells me this is all my fault. I am fully aware that this is irrational but its by big fear. I don't know of any reason they could arrest him but I was blind sided at the start of this situation. I just can't imagine him being taken away and everything happening again. And the blaming me is something I know I need to work on myself. If I hadn't caled 911 for his suicide atempt then we wouldn't be in this situation. Then again he could be dead.
Almost 4 years ago. I am a little better and handling everything that happened but I am not over it. I guess I should have dealt with these feelings all along but I didn't. Now they creep up and try to choke me till my heart is pounding and I physically have to shake my head to chase the thoughts away. Sometimes I pretend my mind is an etch a sketch and the thoughts will be earased. I wish it worked.

123

Well that's not a lot to celebrate but I will take it, its down not up or the same. Unfortunately my coworkers brought in cheese (full fat!) and crackers. They are women who push food, if they were drug dealers they would be rich, they have the ability to get anyone to eat. And I forgot my soup that I planned on for lunch so will have to use one of my "backup" bars. I keep at least 1 fiber bar and 1 kashi bar with me at all times so that I am not stuck with a horrible option. I had planned on bringing in shredded wheat and my soup because after work I have a very long list of things I have to do:
Pick up hard copy of Rx for hubby
Drop it off at pharmacy
Bring hubby to downtown appointment
Bring hubby to out of town appointment
Pick up rx
Go to sleep

I am hoping to be home and in bed by 1:30 but I doubt that will happen. The last appointment is at 12, its an hour long visit and a half hour away. Eh. I will see if I can get my hubby to pick up his Rx himself so that I can go to sleep.

I am so drained of energy right now and I slept for 9 hours! On Friday when I leave work I have to go right to sleep because my husband wants me to go with him and his friend to an event that I could due without attending. Its not that I don't want to go, its just that I am going to be really tired and I don't want to be bitchy or crabby the whole night. Oh well I will just have to fake a smile and pop some no doz, maybe a xanax too. I swear my xanax Rx is so wonderful, it works exactly how it should. I really feel like a better person when I take it. The only thing I have to watch is that my energy level dips a bit if I am already tired and I take it. Hence no doz.
I guess I should do some work now. Yay.

123.2

good god i am a moron. today is day 9 in a row at work and i have 2 more to go. this isnt a hugh deal, i can work like this normally but this week i have not had it easy. i feel a tad resentful that i have not had the easy part of the job pretty much at all this week. all i want is for 2 hours each night to have the easy task, i like my job and do all aspects of the job without complaint, but it is unfair that these tasks are not rotated. end rant. well anyway, my wt is down and that is atleast one thing that is going ok right now. i have binged two times this week but i have rediscovered the wonders of sugar free chocolate. i buy a bag of it and eat it and then i have a horrible stomach ache and then have a crazy time pooping itball out. its not a fun way to do it but i have desided if i am going to binge it has to either be under250cals or something like the sugar free chocolate that ends up hurting me as it passes right through me. i am ending this post now but i might post again tonight if i get the chance.

123.9

i think that is hat my wt was but i am not positive. i know it was 123.1 or 123.9 but either way i am down in wt. my next goal is 121 . i plan on monday being down to it. this is the start of chinese new year and i am going to use that to motivate myself and stay on track. i have to get back to 110 atleast. today i must stay on track and keep going.

i suck

well i am already failing at my goals, awesome.  my wt is at 124.9 and i somehow have my period.  ever since i stopped taking the pill my cycle has been messed up and unpredictable.  it has been skipping, coming early or late, or being relly light and short.  whatever.  on a good note i did finish washing all the clothes and i cleaned the floor of my closet .  i really want o clean my whole place top to bottom.  its so much though so i know i need to break it up into steps.  i also have to delagate some of the cleaning to my husband.  he can do the kitchen and the bathroom, although i will have to organize my stuff in the bathroom first.  maybe that is what i will do today after work, either organize my stuff in the bathroom or hang up all my clothes that are clean.  i know i should do both but i am just going to aim for one of them for now.  i just want things nice.  both my wt and my home nice thats it.

same

ok i fel like my life has had the pause button hit and i cant find play.  i have such a restless energy inside of me that i need to use for a jumpstart for my life  i need something to happen i just dont know what that something is yet . i also have been just plain tired when i leave work that all i want to do is go right to bed .  i want to take one day to just do what i want which is to leave work and go right to bed to reset myself so that i dont just crash on my day off.  i also need to just change things and feel motivated instead of exhausted.  i just wish i knew what i should do.  i need a clue.

124.6

Eck. Slow start to the new year. Instead I am looking at 1/23 as a fresh start = that is chinese new year and I will be working on losng 2lbs a week from Monday Monday so that I will be accountable on weekends.
The wedding was nice and the only thing that could have made it better was me being 10lbs lighter. Oh well, I have another wedding in june that will be a chance to look better than ever. My cousin is getting married and I have always had an unspoken riveraly with her. Right now the score is unsettled. She is thinner, lives in NYC,is single, and has a high powered job. Me I am heavier, live in atown I love but is less exciting, married and have a job not in my field I kind of fell into. I am using the next few monthes to restart my life. I need to get on track with my goals and actually start on them.

Make a budget
Pay off some debt
Start a webpage with my intended field
Start doing consult work
Clean up my apartment


Not too bad. I plan on taking a notebook and writing a goal on each page, with the steps I need to do to achieve that goal. I am hoping to finish tha this weekend while at work. Might as well get something of value while I am at work.

Doesn't seem like a lot when I see it like that. I plan on taking out a note book and putting a goal on each page and the steps I need to accompish