123.6

I must love to ruin things, why else would I eat 3 donuts at once? Is ever really a good idea to eat 900 calories at once? No.
Well I did se 122.2 for one day so my goal is 121 for Friday. I will be strict. I will not binge eat.
I ate 3 donuts because
1. They are donuts!
2. They are yummy!
3. They were available.
4. I am nervous for today.

Today I have two things going on: meet my new therapist and take my husband before a jugde to hopefully end his probation. I have been a bundle of nerves all night, even driving to work I couldn't stop the anxiety. I hate the what if game that plays none stop in my head. I keep telling myself to "play the tape through" like they say in AA. If my therapist sucks I can try another, it would be a pain in the ass but I would be able to change if I felt it was nessessary. My husbands event is much more nerve raking. Let's see what's the worst case? They arrest my husband and he tells me this is all my fault. I am fully aware that this is irrational but its by big fear. I don't know of any reason they could arrest him but I was blind sided at the start of this situation. I just can't imagine him being taken away and everything happening again. And the blaming me is something I know I need to work on myself. If I hadn't caled 911 for his suicide atempt then we wouldn't be in this situation. Then again he could be dead.
Almost 4 years ago. I am a little better and handling everything that happened but I am not over it. I guess I should have dealt with these feelings all along but I didn't. Now they creep up and try to choke me till my heart is pounding and I physically have to shake my head to chase the thoughts away. Sometimes I pretend my mind is an etch a sketch and the thoughts will be earased. I wish it worked.