Looking into the past

I am at work right now and instead of being on my adult unit I have been sent to the teen unit. I have been sitting in a doorway watching a young girl sleep while I amuse myself with readings and some music. Here at work we are doing a pot luck meal, everyone brings in food to share, to celebrate one nurse retiring. One nights that we do a party like this I have to mentally prepare myself so that I don't binge eat in front of people. I know I am going to eat more than most people would expect but I don't want to be obvious about it. It takes a lot of my mental energy to allow myself to eat the food that is here because I know it is all full fat high calorie food. However, I am trying to get back to my mindset of moderation and I can eat food like this and not freak out. At least that is my goal. Anyway, I am sitting in the hallway, I just finished eating pasta and cookies and in comes a young girl ready to be admitted. And I felt a huge punch in my gut. Her left arm was all slashed up. It looked exactly how mine did when I was sent to the hospital at 17. It is so bizarre seeing the otherside of things. It doesn't help that I woke up grumpy and angry. Nothing new just more intense then when I fell asleep. I am starting to feel a bit less grumpy, cookies help. But I still don't feel 100% right. I have too much anger and hurt right now and I haven't been able to shake that lately. I need to work on this I need to find resolution to this or otherwise it will just consume me. Time to get my head together.

I wish we all felt this way.

Starting to feel less crappy!

Well I have been trying to really think over what I want my life to be like so that I can explain it to my husband. I haven't really figured out anything but that's ok for right now. I don't want to waste time but I also don't want to rush myself. Tomorrow is our engagement anniversary, 8 years. These past 8 years have been such a blur. I want to look forward and be excited about the future and not feel like I am waiting for the next disaster. I have the next two nights off from work and I want to enjoy time with my husband not fight. So I am planning some cute things for us to do to remind us of the begining of our relationship. Anyway, I need to get back to leading a healthy life, not living in extremes as I tend to. So back to eating a balanced diet, relaxing and not over working myself and not sleeping for crazy amounts of time. No one should ever be tired enough to sleep 20 hours. Extreme much? I know its a coping skill, distraction from the real problem at hand. So I need to stop. My plan is to pick up less overtime no more 13 days in a row and no bingeing. Keep it simple. I am making a rule for myself not to work more than 7 days in a row and to try to have two or three days off in a row at least 1 time a month. Food wise I know I can't keep wolfing down junk food and then eat very little to counter balance the calories. So back to practicing the whole Moderation thing again. I did feel so much better when I was more balanced with my eating and I need that now. Plus to be honest I am squeezing into my pants right now and its just uncomfortable. I don't want to feel like I need to wear a blazer or jacket to hide my body. I want to be ok with myself. Its weird I worked on the teen unit last week and one of the staff members have an assignment tons young girl. Look in the mirror for give minutes and tell yourself there things about yourself you love. All I could think of was how hard that would be go do. Do you think you can do it? I dare you. Well ladies thank you again so so much for your support, I can't tell you how much it means to me! And kitty happy mothers day!

Thanks kitty and emily

Thank you guys for being so sweet! I appreciate it so much. I have been feeling so down for so long and you guys made me feel so happy, just to hear that my thoughts were valid and that I am not a horrible person. I can't write much right now but I wanted to let you know Thank you!

Psychotic Episodes-The After Shock

Most people have never had to be involved in a psychotic episode, however, I have had to bare witness to far too many. In fact right now I am at work at a mental health hospital so I have seen people I barely know in the middle of psychoisis and then the next time I see the person they seem fine. Normal. It is very odd how the mind works. So I don't really want to write about this yet I really do, just writing it makes it more real and I don't like that. It makes it harder to pretend that everything is ok. But that's what I need to do for myself; I want things to be ok and not have to pretend. So here goes... My husband is bipolar. He has not been "right" for many many years now. In fact looking back with what I know now I know he wasn't well when we becamed engaged. But things generally stay about the same level, not good, but good enough to pretend things are ok. Except when it doesn't. May 5th it was not good. I could tell for awhile now things were churning and bubbling up. I knew what was coming. Yet it is stil a shock when it happens. Something snaps and suddenly I am in a different world with a different man as my husband. Sometimes it last longer, sometimes it is scary, sometimes it is not. But then he comes back, and suddenly I am in a Lifetime movie( for the readers not in the US lifetime is a station that runs a bunch of movies and many of them have a theme of a woman in a crazy situation due to a man). He promises it won't happen again, that things will be different and everything will be fine. Unfortunatly, mental illness doesn't work that way. There is no cure only maintenance. He has not be able to attain a high functioning level for extended periods of time. Instead our marriage has consisted of me putting out the fires he creates and hiding them from the rest of the world. I have done a pretty good job no one really knows what is really going on and how bad it can be. But I have realized that I cannot continue like this. I saw my PA(therapist who prescribes my meds) and told her things were bad. I have seen her since 2005. She asked if I thought about divorce and I cried. I cried because yes I have. I don't want one, I want to have a regular life with my husband but I don't know if that is possibee. She recommended me seeing a couselor every 2 weeks until I feel more stable and to increase one of my meds. I am ok with this I think it is what I need right now. The plan is to figure out what needs to happen to make my marriage feel like a marriage. It wouldn't be movie perfect but full of love and understanding and partnership. And to plan what will happen if this cannot happen. The first thing is he has to know that this cannot continue anymore. It doesn't mean I don't love him I do but I can't continue to live this way. I am going in with him to see his conselor next week and telling her what happened and how often, if I don't think going in will be good I can call her. Either way she has to know. I know this is what I have to do. I can't pretend all the time. Its too much and not enough. When working with 20 mental patients is more relaxing then being home there is a problem. This is hard.

Truth or Dare?

Do I have to courage to live with Truth? I don't think I do. Instead I keep hiding in the world and playing Dare with my life. I saw a shooting star on my way to work tonight right as I was thinking "I feel like death". My wish came to me immeadiatly "I want things to be better", that's it. Just better. I am not sure how much worse things can get right now. I am alone in my little world. No one knows what is really going on. What's the point? I was honest in therapy on Wenesday with Judy my counselor and I felt so much better. But then Friday night happened. It happend. I know I cannot ignore it. I know I would scream at a chick in the same situation. I am such a hipocrite. I need to be honest. I need to tell. I can't pretend things are fine. They are not. I need to take action today, with his doctor, and then Wenesday with mine. Do I dare? Anyone else feeling alone surrounded by others?

I am so bitchy!

Ugh, working so many days in a row has caught up with me, IIam such a bitch! Ok well in all fairness I am always a bitch, I just can normally hide it better. I can't help the fact that I have a very low tolerance for bullshit. Yesterday morning at work a situation arose that just irritated me and I removed myself from the unit so that I wouldn't get myself in trouble for saying my thought out loud. Sounds kind of horrible but it was a smart choice. You see we have a patient with brain damage who is unpredictable and violent at time. Well staff for the next shift came in to start their day and they would not take into consideration mine and my coworkers opinion on what saftey measures to use with him. Mind you this patient was hitting my coworker about 10 minutes prior to this and had been very violent the day prior. We suggested they not give the man a table and chair in the hallway because he would throw them. Well we were ignored and by the 3rd time he threw the table I realized I needed to leave before I told coworkers they were morons. I have problem with people not understanding where we work, we are not a summer camp, we are a mental health hospital. This should be handled in a way that makes sense. If a patient normally throws things you in turn do not give them things to throw. Granted we don't always have patients like this but it is our job to keep all the patients safe and comfortable and expecting things like this is part of he job. Its expected behavior, no one should be surprised by it. Ok end work rant. Well after work I had my therapy appointment, this being the 45 minutes of talk therapy. As I drove home from work I really didn't want to go. I felt nausous and tired and didn't feel like talking. I had to stop at a store to pick up new headphones since mine broke at 4am and then try to park down town. So I get there the waiting room is so full there was no place to sit. As soon as my appointment started I was so glad I went. Judy is such a wonderful person and really makes me look at things that I might otherwise not. Next week I see the person who is in charge of my medications which is a shorter visit at the same center. I am feling better and less depressed but some of that is due to the Bronkaid, which I did tell Judy about. Honesty feels strange sometimes. The harder person to tell will be Carleene, the PA in charge of my medications. I know she won't approve of taking the medicine for purposes other than you know asthma attacks but, shit it makes the work night so much better. Fuck even I know its wrong but at least I will actually admit to myself it is wrong and that I shouldn't do it. Good rule if you do something you need to hide or feel the want to hide you probably shouldn't be doing it. Ok time to pull my shit together and start my morning work here at you know work...

Feeling better

Well I am having a really nice night at work, in fact the past few nights have been pretty good all things considered. I am working 13 days in a row and I am on day 11 right now. This could have been HELL but I was lucky and I got a chance to work with some really nice nurses that I haven't worked with in a long while. Now I am sitting in the hallway listening to some O.A.R. (a band) and relaxing. Its a little funny because the hospital has actually been pretty wild the past week but I have not had to deal with any of it. I have therapy after work today and I need to review with her how down I have been the past few months. It was really bad for a bit and I had even considered calling for an emergancy appointment but my depression left me so apathic that I though aout it and didn't do anything about it. I haven't really felt up to doing anything except sleeping, I get really focused on when I get to go to bed and I keep trying to sleep for as long as possible. On a positive note I have had no thoughts whatsoever about hurting myself, which fuck it is progress! And I know I tricked my body this week. I haven't taken a Bronkaid ( an over the counter medicine that is technically a stimulate) in a few weeks and I bought some the other day to start taking. It makes me feel so much better it just seems wrong. I mean it is a med that helps during asthma attacks and ith trouble breathing but it just makes me more awake and happy. I have never told my therapist or PA (the therapist that prescribes me my meds) that I take it so today I am going to be honest. I am not feeling like my normal self, I don't want to do anything, I mean I can muster the energy to go to work but that is about it. Everything else from visiting my family to going for new glasses just seems like too much. Sure a lazy day once in a while is fine but I have felt this way for far too long. It actually is so bad that I took a self help book out from the library that is ment to give a person the steps needed to have "The Total Package" of a life. Seriously, the gaded voice in my head won't shut up as I try to read it. It did get one point across though that is true, I am comfortable, yet not content with my life. I want more but I haven't actually done anything to move my life in that direction. Hopefully this will change.