Psychotic Episodes-The After Shock

Most people have never had to be involved in a psychotic episode, however, I have had to bare witness to far too many. In fact right now I am at work at a mental health hospital so I have seen people I barely know in the middle of psychoisis and then the next time I see the person they seem fine. Normal. It is very odd how the mind works. So I don't really want to write about this yet I really do, just writing it makes it more real and I don't like that. It makes it harder to pretend that everything is ok. But that's what I need to do for myself; I want things to be ok and not have to pretend. So here goes... My husband is bipolar. He has not been "right" for many many years now. In fact looking back with what I know now I know he wasn't well when we becamed engaged. But things generally stay about the same level, not good, but good enough to pretend things are ok. Except when it doesn't. May 5th it was not good. I could tell for awhile now things were churning and bubbling up. I knew what was coming. Yet it is stil a shock when it happens. Something snaps and suddenly I am in a different world with a different man as my husband. Sometimes it last longer, sometimes it is scary, sometimes it is not. But then he comes back, and suddenly I am in a Lifetime movie( for the readers not in the US lifetime is a station that runs a bunch of movies and many of them have a theme of a woman in a crazy situation due to a man). He promises it won't happen again, that things will be different and everything will be fine. Unfortunatly, mental illness doesn't work that way. There is no cure only maintenance. He has not be able to attain a high functioning level for extended periods of time. Instead our marriage has consisted of me putting out the fires he creates and hiding them from the rest of the world. I have done a pretty good job no one really knows what is really going on and how bad it can be. But I have realized that I cannot continue like this. I saw my PA(therapist who prescribes my meds) and told her things were bad. I have seen her since 2005. She asked if I thought about divorce and I cried. I cried because yes I have. I don't want one, I want to have a regular life with my husband but I don't know if that is possibee. She recommended me seeing a couselor every 2 weeks until I feel more stable and to increase one of my meds. I am ok with this I think it is what I need right now. The plan is to figure out what needs to happen to make my marriage feel like a marriage. It wouldn't be movie perfect but full of love and understanding and partnership. And to plan what will happen if this cannot happen. The first thing is he has to know that this cannot continue anymore. It doesn't mean I don't love him I do but I can't continue to live this way. I am going in with him to see his conselor next week and telling her what happened and how often, if I don't think going in will be good I can call her. Either way she has to know. I know this is what I have to do. I can't pretend all the time. Its too much and not enough. When working with 20 mental patients is more relaxing then being home there is a problem. This is hard.