Psychotic Episodes-The After Shock

Most people have never had to be involved in a psychotic episode, however, I have had to bare witness to far too many. In fact right now I am at work at a mental health hospital so I have seen people I barely know in the middle of psychoisis and then the next time I see the person they seem fine. Normal. It is very odd how the mind works. So I don't really want to write about this yet I really do, just writing it makes it more real and I don't like that. It makes it harder to pretend that everything is ok. But that's what I need to do for myself; I want things to be ok and not have to pretend. So here goes... My husband is bipolar. He has not been "right" for many many years now. In fact looking back with what I know now I know he wasn't well when we becamed engaged. But things generally stay about the same level, not good, but good enough to pretend things are ok. Except when it doesn't. May 5th it was not good. I could tell for awhile now things were churning and bubbling up. I knew what was coming. Yet it is stil a shock when it happens. Something snaps and suddenly I am in a different world with a different man as my husband. Sometimes it last longer, sometimes it is scary, sometimes it is not. But then he comes back, and suddenly I am in a Lifetime movie( for the readers not in the US lifetime is a station that runs a bunch of movies and many of them have a theme of a woman in a crazy situation due to a man). He promises it won't happen again, that things will be different and everything will be fine. Unfortunatly, mental illness doesn't work that way. There is no cure only maintenance. He has not be able to attain a high functioning level for extended periods of time. Instead our marriage has consisted of me putting out the fires he creates and hiding them from the rest of the world. I have done a pretty good job no one really knows what is really going on and how bad it can be. But I have realized that I cannot continue like this. I saw my PA(therapist who prescribes my meds) and told her things were bad. I have seen her since 2005. She asked if I thought about divorce and I cried. I cried because yes I have. I don't want one, I want to have a regular life with my husband but I don't know if that is possibee. She recommended me seeing a couselor every 2 weeks until I feel more stable and to increase one of my meds. I am ok with this I think it is what I need right now. The plan is to figure out what needs to happen to make my marriage feel like a marriage. It wouldn't be movie perfect but full of love and understanding and partnership. And to plan what will happen if this cannot happen. The first thing is he has to know that this cannot continue anymore. It doesn't mean I don't love him I do but I can't continue to live this way. I am going in with him to see his conselor next week and telling her what happened and how often, if I don't think going in will be good I can call her. Either way she has to know. I know this is what I have to do. I can't pretend all the time. Its too much and not enough. When working with 20 mental patients is more relaxing then being home there is a problem. This is hard.

Truth or Dare?

Do I have to courage to live with Truth? I don't think I do. Instead I keep hiding in the world and playing Dare with my life. I saw a shooting star on my way to work tonight right as I was thinking "I feel like death". My wish came to me immeadiatly "I want things to be better", that's it. Just better. I am not sure how much worse things can get right now. I am alone in my little world. No one knows what is really going on. What's the point? I was honest in therapy on Wenesday with Judy my counselor and I felt so much better. But then Friday night happened. It happend. I know I cannot ignore it. I know I would scream at a chick in the same situation. I am such a hipocrite. I need to be honest. I need to tell. I can't pretend things are fine. They are not. I need to take action today, with his doctor, and then Wenesday with mine. Do I dare? Anyone else feeling alone surrounded by others?

I am so bitchy!

Ugh, working so many days in a row has caught up with me, IIam such a bitch! Ok well in all fairness I am always a bitch, I just can normally hide it better. I can't help the fact that I have a very low tolerance for bullshit. Yesterday morning at work a situation arose that just irritated me and I removed myself from the unit so that I wouldn't get myself in trouble for saying my thought out loud. Sounds kind of horrible but it was a smart choice. You see we have a patient with brain damage who is unpredictable and violent at time. Well staff for the next shift came in to start their day and they would not take into consideration mine and my coworkers opinion on what saftey measures to use with him. Mind you this patient was hitting my coworker about 10 minutes prior to this and had been very violent the day prior. We suggested they not give the man a table and chair in the hallway because he would throw them. Well we were ignored and by the 3rd time he threw the table I realized I needed to leave before I told coworkers they were morons. I have problem with people not understanding where we work, we are not a summer camp, we are a mental health hospital. This should be handled in a way that makes sense. If a patient normally throws things you in turn do not give them things to throw. Granted we don't always have patients like this but it is our job to keep all the patients safe and comfortable and expecting things like this is part of he job. Its expected behavior, no one should be surprised by it. Ok end work rant. Well after work I had my therapy appointment, this being the 45 minutes of talk therapy. As I drove home from work I really didn't want to go. I felt nausous and tired and didn't feel like talking. I had to stop at a store to pick up new headphones since mine broke at 4am and then try to park down town. So I get there the waiting room is so full there was no place to sit. As soon as my appointment started I was so glad I went. Judy is such a wonderful person and really makes me look at things that I might otherwise not. Next week I see the person who is in charge of my medications which is a shorter visit at the same center. I am feling better and less depressed but some of that is due to the Bronkaid, which I did tell Judy about. Honesty feels strange sometimes. The harder person to tell will be Carleene, the PA in charge of my medications. I know she won't approve of taking the medicine for purposes other than you know asthma attacks but, shit it makes the work night so much better. Fuck even I know its wrong but at least I will actually admit to myself it is wrong and that I shouldn't do it. Good rule if you do something you need to hide or feel the want to hide you probably shouldn't be doing it. Ok time to pull my shit together and start my morning work here at you know work...

Feeling better

Well I am having a really nice night at work, in fact the past few nights have been pretty good all things considered. I am working 13 days in a row and I am on day 11 right now. This could have been HELL but I was lucky and I got a chance to work with some really nice nurses that I haven't worked with in a long while. Now I am sitting in the hallway listening to some O.A.R. (a band) and relaxing. Its a little funny because the hospital has actually been pretty wild the past week but I have not had to deal with any of it. I have therapy after work today and I need to review with her how down I have been the past few months. It was really bad for a bit and I had even considered calling for an emergancy appointment but my depression left me so apathic that I though aout it and didn't do anything about it. I haven't really felt up to doing anything except sleeping, I get really focused on when I get to go to bed and I keep trying to sleep for as long as possible. On a positive note I have had no thoughts whatsoever about hurting myself, which fuck it is progress! And I know I tricked my body this week. I haven't taken a Bronkaid ( an over the counter medicine that is technically a stimulate) in a few weeks and I bought some the other day to start taking. It makes me feel so much better it just seems wrong. I mean it is a med that helps during asthma attacks and ith trouble breathing but it just makes me more awake and happy. I have never told my therapist or PA (the therapist that prescribes me my meds) that I take it so today I am going to be honest. I am not feeling like my normal self, I don't want to do anything, I mean I can muster the energy to go to work but that is about it. Everything else from visiting my family to going for new glasses just seems like too much. Sure a lazy day once in a while is fine but I have felt this way for far too long. It actually is so bad that I took a self help book out from the library that is ment to give a person the steps needed to have "The Total Package" of a life. Seriously, the gaded voice in my head won't shut up as I try to read it. It did get one point across though that is true, I am comfortable, yet not content with my life. I want more but I haven't actually done anything to move my life in that direction. Hopefully this will change.

Angry? Disappointed?

Not really sure what I am feeling, but I am feeling many different emoitions right now. I mean come on! If you are feeling something or doing something that you need hide that normally means its not the best thing in terms of choices. I am not even sure what is going on but I know it is wrong. Fuck being vague, my husband is being an ass. I am pissed at his lack of consideration towards me and the life we have built together. I have caught him lying, omitting details, going out of his way to make sure I don't know about different details, basicaly being really shady. That is not how my marriage will be, I refuse to live like this. Well I guess I do know how I feel angry. I have been very clear to him the path in life I want to live and he has changed course. Someone/something needs to change and I don't see it being my ideals. I will this with one of my favorite quoets right now: As Gilda Radner used to say, "It's always something." "I wanted a perfect ending," she wrote in her autobiography, It's Always Something, toward the end of her life. "Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next."

Testing a new writing app.

Not sure how this will work for blogger so this is just a test.

Saddest place on earth

You know how Disney World is called the happiest place on Earth, well right now I am sitting in the saddest place on Earth. That's right I am working midnight to 7am on the childrens unit in a mental health hospital. I have a love/hate relationship with this unit. It can be really easy for most of the night since the kids sleep better than adults but its so sad. I am with 11 kids under the age of 12. Last week they had a 3 year old. A 3 year old! Every 15 minutes I have to check on the 4 bedrooms and make sure everyone is ok and it is so weird to see kids in the beds. I normally work on an adult unit so peeking into a bedroom and seeing a 6 year old laying in bed with their teddy bear is very jarring. But I also love this unit because it gives stability to some of these kids. Its so sad to hear an adult say that they like it better in the hospital than their regular life, but for a kid to say it breaks my heart. I was reading some information on the pts and I stopped myself, it was too much. 3 foster homes in less than 3 weeks, dad in jail for abusing her, sexually preoccupied 12 year old girl. I just want to take these kids and you know parent them. That's all some of them really need an adult to give them stability and love. That's why they like it here they are surrounded by adults who are sober, loving, caring, pay attention to them, given boundries, and take care of them. Ugh, I just can't believe how horrible people can be. Ok well on to other aspects of my life. I have been more dissatisfied with life in general for the past few weeks but it has been really strong in certain things which clearly tells me what needs to change. My husband and I are not on the same page when it comes to certain things and it is fustrating. I feel like he doesn't realise he is a 35 year old man not a 21 year old boy. Life is very different as an adult with different responsibilities, expectations, consequences and a future to plan. I am not saying we need to stop having fun and only talk about our 401k but I would like him show me that he isn't waiting to grow up. Perfect example from the other day: he says to me that when I get pregnant he will have our place completly fixed up and how all these different behaviors will change. I was in a very blunt mood that day and turned towards him and said "I hate when you say that, you have been saying how things will change when..., but I want the change now." So in turn I am trying to sort out my expectations in my head of the life I want to live. What can I do to in life to have more joy, contentment, calmness and fulfillment? I have been trying to figure this out in a very passive mannor and it seems like I am getting no where. My next few days I really want to focus on how I want my life to be, ad then figure out a road map to get there. I know for sure somethings but wow do I feel clueless in general. One major thing is where we live. I love the location and the layout but it has seen better days. We rent and the place is well over due for new floors and stuff but I have never brought it up to the landlord because I always felt we would move "soon". Well I have lived here since 2005 so its time for me to realise that I don't really want to move I just want things nice again. New floors, fresh paint, fix doors and other broken stuff and really make it a house and not a storage unit. I plan on taking over the small room that is connected to our bedroom and turning it into my lady den. Hubby has the spae bedroom as his man cave and I want a small area that is nice and peaceful. I plan on having only my reclining chair in the room and organizing myself with a lot of shelves and a filing cabinet. I know creating an organized area for myself will help me with my overall well being and contentment. So that's the rumblings that have been running through my head. Its a bit of a jumbled mess but its nice to get it out of my mind and really look at it. It comes down to what it always comes down to, if I don't like something I need to change it. I need to actively change my life.