Break Room

Trying to believe

I felt really good yesterday about my husband saying things would be better.  But I don't know if it actually can be.  I wanted us to have a "date".  I bought some ingreedients for one of our favorite dishes and he was going to cook it so we could eat that while watching the oscars.  Normally I don't care about award shows but we both love the guy who was hosting, in fact we credit our mutual love of his shows to us getting together.  So I went to bed early and set my alarm so I could wake up and have our special night.  When I woke up he told me he didn't feel good and didn't feel like cooking, oh and he ate the chips that we were going to have with the meal.  So he said he will cook the food tomorrow night instead I just have to pick up more chips on my way home from work. (Side note we were going to have ground turkey with cheese and salsa and eat it with chips) So although I know that feeling sick isn't something you plan I also am sick of the fact that something is always wrong. I can't remember a day that nothing was "wrong" or just a regular no complaints day. I don't think I want to live my life as if something is wrong every single day. Like I have been writing I want a real full life and I am not going to let myself miss anymore of the life I have.

Great way to wake up

Well Friday I wrote about giving my husband my deal breakers list.  He really didn't take it well that day and I knew talking while I was pissed off would be pointless anyway.  But today while I was sleeping he wrote me a note and taped it to our bedroom door.  I read it and we talked for a bit while I was getting ready for work.  He did agree to the issues I had brought up, mainly I want him take his medications correctly. when we pick up his pain meds from now on I am going to leave the amount for the day on his nightstand and hold the rest. He agreed he needs to take his psy meds on time each day which will make a big difference. I am hoping that with him taking his medications correctly life will be less chaotic. I just want to live a real life. I want to go out and be social, plan trips, and not hide from life. I am trying to save some money for us to be able to have a real vacation this summer. I want us to actually plan a trip and I don't care where we go.

when will i know?

How do you know when enough is enough?  How can you figure out when things are too bad?  I have said never again but here it is again. I rewrote my dealbreakers with my husband and started talking about them right before he went in to see his therapist.  He was mad and that is fine, I am mad also.  I miss my bestfriend. I just don't know. I don't want to just get by in life.  I want to live a full life and I am not. I don't do things and I am not honest about things because I need to take care of him. He won't deal in reality and actually believes certain things that are not going to happen. Doctors call it grandiose ideas, I call it annoying after awhile. Every so often it is good... it doesn't last. He needs to take control of how he is going to manage his conditions, I can help but I shouldn't have to do it all anymore. He can start doing some of these things. You ladies are the only ones I have shared this with. I sometimes think what life would be like if I was single. If I only had to take care of myself. So now I am sitting in the waiting room of his therapist. Listening to my music and waiting what will happen next... Thank you guys for not judging and letting me be honest with my thoughts here.

Try again

Get 25 grams of fiber and 45 grams of protein Mail tax forms out Get foo Make soup And put away clothes! Ok I did most of the things on my list for yesterday. I had told myself Wednesdays are my days, I try to keep the mornings free and not do anything I don't want to do. No chores no appointments for hubby nothing. So I didn't put my clothes away and I didn't make soup because I still have 2 servings left from my last batch. Oh and I need to photocopy one of my tax forms and then I can mail that junk out. So while I could not cross everything off my list I was able to get the important things done, like me getting 9 hours of sleep! That was way more important to me then putting clothes away. So for today I want to keep things simple and just finish everything on my list from yesterday, and still get 25 grams of fiber and 45 grams of protein.  I am wrting this post from my phone and it keeps messing up so this is all for now.

Lets keep rolling...

Well so far I am having a pretty good week.  I was able to keep myself in check eating the past few days which is a big deal since I had a day off from work.  Yesterday I had therapy and I was almost fully honest which was weird.  I told her that I was depressed the past few weeks but I am starting to feel a lot better.  What I left out was that I think I a feeling more "up" because I started taking bronkaid again.  But that was the only thing I didn't tell her about, which is major progress.  I still didn't put my clothes away but I did sort them and put my socks and things away.  I also sorted the shirts andput  them into clean containers so that after work today I can easily just hang them up.  So it is like half done.  So one goal is to finish that.  My big goal is to clean my closet which will be a big project since it is a mess.  The worst part is that the doors are off the hinges due to horrible situations and it just makes it so hard to keep things neat.  So I am taking the doors off and putting them in the spare bedroom.  Instead of the doors I am going to hang up a pretty tapestry so I won't see broken doors from sad times.  Not sure how much I will ge done today but that is ok.  The important things I need to do are going shopping for food and making my pot of soup for the next few days.  Again by focussing on fiber and protein I know my food intake will be healthy.  I just need more hours in the day and enough energy to do the crap that needs to get done. Since I can't add hours to the day I need to focus on my time management. Like tonight while here at work I am going to pay my bills on line and get all my tax forms together to send to my accountant. If I can get that done I can then cross it off my to do list that is getting too long! Ok ladies here are todays goals: Get 25 grams of fiber and 45 grams of protein Mail tax forms out Get food Make soup And put away clothes! This should not be as hard as I make it feel, ugh. Oh well time to get shit done.

New week

Let's see it is Monday and I am determined to have a great week.  I want to improve on the things I have been working on because there is plenty room for improvement.  I was concerned about my portion sizes and I have been pretty good about that, minor slips when around cookies but better than before!  I need to drink more water as I felt very dry this past week.  I also am due for my period this week so if I get more water in me it should help prevent too much bloating.  My wt has stayed very steady which I find very annoying but I want to stay rational, the extra wt will come off eventually from adopting healthier habits.  Right??? Rational thoughts, rational thoughts! So for today I must drink a minimum of 3 of my water bottles. Eat normal portion sizes of food. Eat a minimum of 25 grams of fiber. That is it, ofcourse I have other ideas like not eating crap food but I don't want to focus on that for right now.  I think all of that will fall into place as I gain a healthier relationship with food.  I hope that preplanning exactly what I am going to make when I get home will help.  My danger time is after work, always.  So I need to focus on that time today.  You know what is annoying?  Knowing that I am focussing on food right now because I feel like the rest of my life is too crazy to put in order.  But it is true and I can't deny it. I say I am going to put things in order and I just give up. I tell myself its easier to just stay still and not change, but really its not. Its just an excuse. I need to get things going and stop wasting time. So today after work I am going to have a yummy salad like I planned and then put my cloths away. It seems little but that step is an important one for me because it will then lead to cleaning the bedroom, which leads to filing my paperwork and so on. So that is today. Eat salad Drink water Put clothes away Sounds fun right?