110.0 at work

Well last night did not go as planned which seems to be the norm right now. In the afternoon I got an awful headache that would just not go away. I took some advil, that didn't work so I had a fiber bar thinking maybe carbs would help, it didn't. So I took 1mg of xanax and told myself I would just go to be early. I did go to bed earlier than normal but I ended up not going to the gym and eating some stew. So not exactly what I wanted or planed on. So far today I have had one protein bar and tons of vegetables. I am fighting the urge to eat another protein bar, I keep telling myself that I have 30 minutes until I teach my class then I am on my way home. I had to resist the want of donuts earlier today I swear they were calling me! But I got on the scale and I am down which is good. I just have to keep thinking about the scale. Don't eat today what you will regret tomorrow!

110.5 at work

I did really well last night and was rewarded on the scale this morning with the lovely number of 111.6 and now at work 110.5lbs. At work my fat mass is back down a bit to 22.5lbs, I want to get to 21 which was my low and then to 15lbs. Really is that too much to ask for? Still haven't been to the gym but hubby said today he wanted to go so we will see if he is still in the mood to go tonight when I get out of work. No matter what tonight I am going to bed early I am so tired today. It took me hitting the snooze button three times to get out of bed this morning. I hate getting up that early just for the meetings we have to go to, and we have another one tomorrow at 7am again. Ugh. But then on Thursday I get to sleep in since I don't have to be at work until noon, YAY!
So now I am sitting at work and all I can think about are carbs, any really. I want to devour the snack bars we sell, go to a fast food place and get a vanilla shake, go to the CVS across the street and get chocolate. Pretty much anything right now would be good. But instead I am going to go eat more vegetables that I brought in, it is definitely making a difference in my weight eating only vegetables here at work so I think I will keep with it as long as I can.

tough weekend

So this weekend was hard but I didn't eat as well as I would have liked. This is due to the fact that my husband likes gummy fish and we went to visit my mother for her birthday. You see I am weak willed and therefor I ate said gummy fish and cake. So I am content with the fact the scale here at work is reading 111lbs and at home this morning it was 112.8. Hopefully by the end of the week I make it back to my low of 109lbs and can then move forward to my ultimate goal of 103. Well 100 would be perfect but for now I will work toward 103.
So now for something I hate to write about but need to get out of my head because it is doing no good there by itself. My husband is schizophrenic and the past few weeks have been tough for him, which means they have been tough on me too. Well on Friday we had an argument about something, I don't even remember now what it was about. But that doesn't bother me we are a married couple of course we argue sometimes, but he grabbed my shirt and wouldn't let go. It was just my shirt and it didn't escalate but it still happened. Of course he apologized and the next day we had a long talk about how if he is having a hard time it means that I also have a hard time. Since I am basically in charge of a lot of the things that goes on like keeping appointments, grocery shopping, managing our income it gets to me after awhile and can be really stressful. So Saturday I went to pick up my Rx and stayed out a bit longer than I really needed to, just to relax. It was so nice to just be by myself, I went and tried on jeans at Kohls- and I really liked that. I didn't buy anything because I didn't love anything I tried on. So this coming weekend I think I will go to Macy's since I have a gift card there and try to find some jeans. My size 5 Mudds are able to be pulled down without unbuttoning which is awesome but leaves me without any pants that fit. So I really need to buy at least one pair of jeans. Thank God I have a gift card otherwise I wouldn't have the money to get them.

111.5 at work

Okay my wt is driving me insane! I have been so good this week, my only challenge has been those gummy fish, and the scale is just sucking so much. In reality I realize my wt has greatly improved this week but it is not where I want it to be by any means. At the beginning of the week I was at 114.5 and now I am 111.5 here at work.
Oh great I am looking out the window here at work and it has been snowing all day on and off but very lightly and nothing was sticking. Well now it is really coming down. Shit. I have a 40 min drive and I have to stop at the pharmacy for my husbands prescriptions. I just hope the interstate is cleared off. I am on main roads or highways the whole time so it should be fine.
I stopped at the grocery store before work today and I might go back after work. They had the steam able veggies on sale and I bought one that had a light Asian flavor and it was really good. In reality I know that it had more calories then it needed for the flavor and that I could just use some fat free butter and spices. Yup I think I will be practical this time around. I am broke as fuck, all the bills will get paid but gas, cable, and electric will not be paid in full this month. Or last month or the month before. Oh well it will all be paid eventually and those bills don't count towards my credit rating so I don't mind them not being paid in full.
This weekend will be a challenge, X has been weird all week long and it is kind of bringing me down too. We have to go to meetings on Saturday and Sunday, but I want to go visit my mom for her birthday too. Oh and tomorrow I also have to pick up the dogs prescriptions too. Now doesn't that sound like a fun weekend?
Wish me luck, I will need it.

So today has been a long day so far. I woke up to my dog having a seizure at around midnight and then I didn't want to get up to go to a meeting set at 7am. So my husband and I both agreed to go back to sleep. I still had to get up before I really wanted to but at least I was able to sleep a bit longer. So we got up and I brought him to his therapy session. I actually like waiting for him sometimes because it gives me one hour to myself even if it is alone time in a waiting room. Oh and it is a communal waiting room for some really odd departments. Lets see we have drug court people waiting, people on ankle bracelets that will detect alcohol, and the corners office. Strangely I know the girl who is interning at that office and I saw her today. Her mom owns a wt loss center I used to work at, that is until she “let me go”. Anyway then I had to come into work early, my manager went away for long weekend and the person opening the center this morning is not well regarded. Today was her last day so I wont be working with her anymore but the owner was also here when I came in. So it looks like I am really responsible coming in an hour earlier than I was scheduled. So he left for the day and now I am alone here for the rest of today and all of tomorrow. I am oddly very happy about being alone and being able to work on my projects by myself with out anyone here with me.
So food wise last night was not the best. X was not feeling well as I expected so he wanted McD's, gummy fish, and sleeping pills. What a wonderful combination; fat, sugar and sleeping pills. So I picked up some of those steamable veggies that looked good for myself and some diet soda for work but I caved and ate gummy fish, way too many.
Today has been much better so far I have only had salad which is good that was my plan. Tonight I have no idea what to expect with my husband if we will be going to gym finally or not. Or if he is going to make a diner or really anything. It is generally a surprise when it comes to things like that. I can't really plan for evenings anymore. I just sent him a text to see what he wants to do my guess is he will say he doesn't know what he wants to do and “we will see” ugh.
On to frustrating news my wt is staying the same and pissing me off. This morning I took 4 laxatives to finally have a bm and it worked I had one just before but it made no difference on the scale. My fat mass is still at 24lbs. I want to go down to about 15lbs and get my total wt to about 103lbs. So I still need to lose 9.5 more lbs. These last 10 have been the worse, all due to me. I am generally happy with how much I lost so its not as intense of a feeling anymore. But in all honesty I really want to get rid of everything that is still jiggly which is not going away. I really need to get to the gym.

yay i got my period

eh, wt was down one more pound on my home scale but nothing here at work which sucks. i also wanted to take some laxitives but since i got my period i am going to wait as i dont want to have to deal with both issues at once. but i would like to have a bm this, that would be nice. oh well i just have to think about the big picture, i lost four lbs this week so far and it is only wednesday. i was a bit disapointed in myself last night. i had my salad for dinner and i was still wanting something sweet so i had a chocolate protein bar. i wasnt hungry i was just craving. so i broke my veggie fast. i know its not really a big deal it was only 140cals but still its the fact that i didnt need it. so far today has been lots of salad and one tiny spoonful of peanut butter. i could have /should have done without the pb but i am weak. on the way to work i stopped and bought the giant bag of salad to eat while i was here. i will bring it home and eat the rest for dinner that way i can stay on track. although X might want to eat a real dinner, he might not though because he is having a rough day. he "blacked out" as we call it, which means one of his alternate personalities came out for awhile today. that normally knocks out all his energy, which means no gym and no cooked dinner. i am kind of disapointed that i havent been able to go to the gym but i am sure we will get back on track going soon.
ugh i am so full of salad righ now, eh.

ok what the hell? i am sitting here at work waiting to start teaching my normal wednesday night class and in walks a man. he was looking for our owner to give him calanders and pens. since i am here alone i took the stuff and the guy gives me 3 big chocolate covered cookies! are you kidding me? i can't believe that i am now sitting here at work and i have access to cookies that will tempt me for the rest of the day. it is bad enough that i have chocolate protein bars and protien snack bags that taste super yummy that i am trying to avoid - that is why i ate so much salad so that i wouldnt have room to eat anything! ugh. really who gives cookies to the wt loss center?

112.5

Ok last night went really well, I had a salad and some fat free dressing. I wanted a chocolate protein bar so bad but I was able to do with out and I was rewarded with a wt loss. So now I just have to conquer tonight. So far today I have done really well and just had salad and celery with more fat free dressing. I am going to try to keep with just veggies again today but this might be a bit harder since my husband will expect me to eat dinner. We were going to go the gym tonight which would have been great. I wouldnt have picked him up for the gym until 6:30, then gym for a hour, would have ment no time for a real dinner. But no it doesnt look like we will be going tonight since he didnt sleep at all last night and is now hallucinating. Yay. So tonight will be interesting.

ok i think i get it

ok so now about me and my weight loss journey. i am now at 114.5lbs here at work. i generally wt myself at work because i have access to the most amazing scale, the thing cost over $2,ooo. and reads fat mass, muscle mass and water wt. right now it is showing
114.5 total wt
24 fat mass
90.5 ffm (fat free mass) which is muscle and water
66 water wt

i want to wt 103lbs with a fat mass of 15lbs. i know technically this is too low but that is what i want. my highest wt ever was 155 and my lowest was 85lbs. i have been in treatment since i was 17 years old and i still see a therapist. i was hospitilized at one point when i was younger. anyway, this is part of my journey. if anyone really reads this and wants to know how i ended up here you can go to blurty and look me up i am josie13 there too.

the all important first post

well this is my first post on blogger, i have a blurty account but i read so many blogs on here that i figured i should open an account here. now i just have to figure out how to use this site since i have no idea what i am doing.