So tired

Ugh. That's all, just ugh. I am so run down these past few days I have no energy to do anything. I mean I am so sluggish that I sat down on my tub while I brushed my teeth earlier. At work I waited over an hour to use the bathroom because getting up and going all the way to the bathroom seemed like too much. Thank goodness work has been very mellow this week, I don't know how I would have been able to make it through a night otherwise. Last night was wonderful actually, as tonight has been also. I had two admissions tonight but I can do those rather quickly at his point especially if it a patient who has been here before itts less scary of a process then. I was able to stick to my goal of sleeping at last 8 hours and doing something for myself. I am very worried about next weekend though. My husband is going away for the weekend with his best friend and I am worried something will happen. I am so glad I got him a medical id braclet that has his dx on it and my cell phone number. If anything happens all someone has to do is look at the braclet and they can call me. My biggest fear is not medical staff calling me but police calling instead. What if he has a manic episode and police think he is high or something? That is why I put his dx on the braclet, it says bipolar hx/psychosis. Kind of blunt huh? I know there is no point in worrying. I want him to go and have an awesome time and I am excited to have the house to myself, I even have one of the days off. Well time to actually work while I am here at the hospital. Hope everyone has a great week.

What a week

Well last week was very interesting I must say. Let's see I got my period, had two major binges, over medicated myself, fought with my husband, and then got way too drunk and threw up for four hours and the next day celebrated my nieces 7th birthday. So umm pretty eventful and obnoxious so I am glad that is over. So this week will be better. To avoid fights with my husband I laid down the "friend rule": you can hang out with a friend that is fine and normal, however, anything you do with a female friend you have to be ok with me doing with a male friend. I think that rule is very fair and he agreed so let's see how this works. Food wise I have been ok the past few days back to trying to eat a nice balance of things even at my moms. I did have cake and pie but I didn't feel out of control and it did balance ok with the rest of my day. Monday morning after work I made a pot of soup like I had been wanting to for awhile. I had all my ingreedients and it will last me til Friday when I get paid so it worked out well. I keep modifying the recipe to give it more flavor so hopefully this time is a winner. Goal wise this week I am going to focus on me. Its not selfish I have to remind myself to take care of me first otherwise I can only last so long before I crumble. So this week I will get 8 hours or more of sleep, eating moderatly and midefully, and make sure I do at least one thing that makes me feel good about myself. I need to relax being angry takes a lot of energy that I just cannot spare. I hate feeling like that. I am angry and resentful at my husband right now and it sucks. I have to tell him how I feel otherwise I am just lugging it around and that is not conducive to a happy healthy life. Oh and life lesson listen to happy soothing songs when angry not angry rap or pissed off songs. Hope you chicks are having a great week and that it only gets better.

My vacation from real life

So I binged Monday morning after work.  I fought the battle in my head all throughout work, on my way home, until I pulled into the parking lot of the store.  I got my drug and wished I had a spoon with me, I even looked for a plastic one in the small ready to eat section of the store.  I got home, ate the whole thing and went to my bed.  By this time I had been taking one of my medications that I control how much I normally take.  I am pescribe upto 1.5mg a day and have them in .5mg tablets.  I sometimes don't take any, sometimes .5, or 1mg, but hardly ever do I take the full 1.5.  Well I am not exactly sure how much I took, I believe it was between 2.5 -3.5.  I didn't feel as numb as I had hpoed but I did sleep for 14 hours.  I binged again on Wednesday after work but not as bad.  Same begining as Monday but when I got home my husband was awake.  He saw me eat the whole cake.  He said I know what you are doing, and I said you know I am still upset right?  And then I explained why I was mad at him and how I can not pretend it is all ok, because it is not.  Just because you clean up after a storm doesn't mean the storm didn't happen. Ok so I binged.  I let my emoitions get in control instead of my mind.  I can't let myself get that upset, sitting and stewing until I exploid.  So fresh start.  I have my healthy food here at work to eat and after work I am not sure what I will eat just yet but I will think about that before I get home so I don't deside while starving and standing in my kitchen.  I also have to keep up with this whole explaining how I feel stuff.  I am just not use to it but as I know I have to.  I can not just pretend everything is ok and wait unit I melt down.  I have to explain to my husband what I am feeling and why.  So for the goal for the next 12 hours, which is how much longer I will be awake, I need to focus on my healthy life. That means staying calm here at work and afterwards with my husband. I am taking him to see his therapist at noon then coming home to go to bed. He runs late a lot so I plan around that because I hate being late. I am also going to eat before hand so that when I get back home I will be able to go right to sleep. I need to remind myself that I can't change everything, but I can change how I react! Ok back to my real life. Its time to live.

Dinner

I ate the whole container.  6 cups 1,560 calories. Not having a good few days. However it is up to me to change this.

I use to smoke cigarettes

I quit smoking over ten years ago. I doesn't bother me when someone smokes next to me even in a car. Once in awhile when a new patient comes in I can take them for a smoke in the "smoke room", as you can imagine the room reeks of stale smoke from all the smoke over the years. But I actually like walking into the room and lighting a persons cigarette, the smell brings me back to college. I spent a lot of time in the smoke lounge and that quick wiff of the staleness makes me smile. I sometimes get really stressed or frazzled and think about smoking. But its weird I actually have no desire to do so. A few times I have tried to smoke and I took one puff and I was done. I had no want to smoke. I guess I thought it would be relaxing, as it had been in the past. It use to be a coping mechanism but it doesn't work anymore. I want to get to that point with eating. I want to eat because I need to fuel my body. I want to eat because the food is incredible. I want to eat for the right reasons. I don't want to eat to numb myself. I don't want to eat to calm down. I don't want to eat and feel I can't stop. I don't want to not eat because it makes me feel like I have control. I don't want to not eat to punish myself. I don't want to not eat as a way to get back at others. I want to eat for the right reasons. Food is my coping mechanism and I am trying to change that. Slowly I am getting better at seeing another way. Slowly I am learning how to avoid needing to "cope". I want to live my life not just make it through. That is my focus. That is my goal LIFE.

This is for you Ruby.

Mood swings suck

I felt great on Monday today not so much. I am trying to turn that around because I want to have a fun happy day. Work has been nice so far and after work I am going with my sister to pick up a bunny she adopted for my niece. My sister has never had any pets besides fish so I am a bit apprehensive about this life choice, however, I have never played with a bunny so this could be really fun. I also have a bunch of phone calls I need to make but that I keep putting off so today I am resolved to make two of them and have the rest done before the weekend. I have not been doing that great with cleaning up the house but I have a wonderful plan of cleaning on my day off this week and getting fully into spring cleaning! I feel like if I can get the house resonably clean that keeping up with it won't b so bad. It just seems like so much to do and then I don't want to do anything. But that's normal for me, I think something is too much and avoid it. Not for this! I just have to do one thing at a time. I just have to keep this energy so that I can follow through. Food wise I have felt all over the place. I have been trying to eat really healthy but at least one day a week I go off the rails and then feel like I erased all the good I did. I have to remind myself that while trying to find a balance I am not trying to lose wt, instead I am trying to get myself to a healthy mind set. Do I want to lose 10lbs? Sure I do, but I NEED to get myself to a peaceful place first and formost. And that is what I need to keep reminding myself. I am not failing at losing wt right now, I am however doing a much better job each week in eating a bit healthier and a bit more balanced. I want to enjoy junk food but not over eat it. So I will keep going because I am determined.

Well thats good

*If you've got the blues, the answer might be more oranges and greens... fruits and veggies, that is! A study in the British Journal of Health Psychology found that when people ate more fruit and vegetables (about 7 - 8 servings per day), they reported more positive emotions than when they ate little produce.

Pretend

Sometimes I feel as if I spend all my time pretending everything is ok.  I think that the reason is that I hope that by pretending it will be ok that it will be, and sometimes that works but not always.  I pretend I am a confident, take no bull shit, tough, smart chick because that is what I want to be.  When I am not sure about something I try to think what that chick would do.  This has made many choices much easier but it can't work for everything. My husband is bipolar.  He had a severe breakdown and since 2005 I have taken care of him.  I don't know how to transition from taking care of everything to being equal partners but I need to learn.  I keep waiting for the perfect time to have a deep meaningful conversation about this with him but what would make it the perfect time?  I have tried small bits here and there and it seems to improve things for awhile but it fails to last long term.  The contract I wrote for him has lead to change, slowly, but I want and need more.  I guess now that I can admit that to myself it is the perfect time and I just need to do it.  So how do I say "hey honey, its time you put your big boy pants on and start acting like a functioning adult" in a nice loving way?  I think I have to make a list of some of the things I know he can do for himself and start that way. I need a vacation from real life, anyone want to join me?

No failures only learning opportunities

Ok to be positive I have been doing pretty well since the new year with my goals of living an overall healthier life.  I have been trying to stay with a positive state of mind and make rational food choices and I have had more good days than bad.  I even bought 2 pairs of pants and part of me knows I look fine in them, while the crazy part of my mind tells me I look hugh in them, but I have been wearing them like crazy to get over it!  I swear I have fun house mirrors for eyes.  Ok lesson learned in the past two weeks:  I love pizza and I should not eat four slices at once.  I did it two weeks in a row and while it is fine to do that once in awhile I can't do it weekly as it is not healthy.  MODERATION!  So I am going to set my self a goal of eating my 25 grams of fiber and 45 grams of protein everyday for 7 days.  This is realistic and healthy.  I have noticed that since starting this new phase of eating my cravings have gone way down and I am able to ride them out if I need to or satisfy them with something much healthier.  Mind set wise I have been trying to catch myself when I start to get annoyed with different things.  I might not do it right away but I have been trying to look at a sistuation and figure out what is bugging me, if I can change it, or if it is something that I just need to deal with.  I guess its sort of like the Serenity prayer: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. There is more to the prayer but the begining is the part that connects to me right now. Sometimes shit sucks and you need to figure out what to do about it. Twice this week I had to remind myself that even though things were happening that I didn't like, I couldn't change it so it is better to just roll with it and make the best of it. Granted in my head I was throwing a hissy fit and stomping my feet. Ok goal same as last time 45 grams of protein 25 grams of fiber Everyday for 7 days Find dentist for hubby Did this last week and I was given all the wrong info so I have to start all over! Call dentist for me Get new glasses This is all stuff for the next 7 days that I want to get done all while staying in a positive state of mind. Ok happy thoughts!

No too bad

Well my short list of goals seems to be a pretty good way of making sure I get at least some of my tasks done.  I was able to do almost everything, I did not technically set aside time to enjoy something but I felt pretty good because work was mostly chill.  I have been very careful to make sure I get my protein and fiber grams in which keeps me in line to eat healthy.  I did make my soup afterwork which was good, I do need to add more spices though.  I keep tweaking the recipe to find the best blend of veggies and broth but the spice part always trips me up.  At least this time it was too little that I can fix, too much on the otherhand I have to suffer through!  Today I want to balance my checkbook and call a dentist office for my husband.  After 1.5hours on the phone I now have a list of offices that take his insurance and one place is a big group office that has hours on Saturdays.  I figure I should be able to set him up with an appointment  and hopefully soon since he is saying his mouth hurts. This is kind of what I mean when I say I am sick of something always being wrong. If it is not his neck hurting it is his mouth. If not that then he has insomnia, a fever, hearing voices, anything. I know he is sick but I would love a day of nothing wrong. Ok time to switch my frame of mind. I need to stay positive and upbeat because really why would I not want to be positive and upbeat? You can not rely on others for your happiness only you can control that. I read that somewhere a few months back and I wrote it down so that I would remember it. I try to keep that in mind throughout my day as things are happening, I choose how I react and how I am affected. Goals 25 grams fiber 45 grams of protein 4 bottles of h2o Call dentist office Clean litter box Balance checkbook I have so much more I want to add! Trying to keep it short and if I get other things done great if not it can be on tomorrows list. I think that is what I will do, make a list of everything I need to do and check things off as I go along. Maybe seeing myself do a few things at a time will help feel like I can get everything done in due time.

Day off

I am so odd.  I had one day off from work and because I kept sleeping a few hours then hanging out with my husband, I feel like it was 2 or 3 days.  Which is awesome but very confusing to my body.  Oh well I am well rested and I got to spend time with my man and that is what counts.  I didn't do much otherwise but I have my to do list for after work today.  And I went ahead and bought my favorite perfume on line about a half hour ago.  I got the roll on, the spray, the lotion, and insense!  I am so excited, I strted wearing this oil when I was 14 and it is still the one I love the most.  I used to be able to get the roll on oil at a hippie store near my house but they moved so I figured I was out of it and I would just order it the next time I got a coupon.  And today I got a coupon, 20% off!  I knew there was no reason to keep waiting because I end up putting my wants on the bottom of any list.  So I have been making a point to buy somethings for myself.  I have bought one thing each month so far and it has been very nice I must say.  It helps that the first month I subscribed to a magazine so I just my second issue and I bought the 2 pair of pants in February.  I really should have waited to buy this but if I can juggle money around for everyother reason I should be able to do it for myself damn it! Any way, I have been trying the whole moderation and being healthy thing and I have noticed it is much easier when I feel others are watching or noticing, not counting my husband.  That reminded me of when I needed to stop sucking my thumb.  Well to be clear I sucked my thumb when I was very young and stoped at some point.  Then we moved when I was 7.5 and I guess I freaked out because I started again.  I knew I couldn't go to a new school and still do this so I had to figure out a way to stop.  Mind you I was 7.5 years old.  I decided to pretend I was being filmed while I was awake and anyone could be watching.  Now this is a bit strange I think because reality tv wasn't yet a thing.  I think I mainly pretended I was the star of a sitcom and it seemed to work.  So now I am going to use the same idea to help me stay with my healthy lifestyle. It might cause me to develope paranoia but at least I will be healthy otherwise. Ok so to keep going with my goal of a healthy well balanced life: 25 grams of fiber 45 grams of protein Do at least two things on my to do list Take some time to do something I want to just relax I think that is enough for now.