Feelings

I am well aware that I lead two lives.   My public persona and my private life.  My public persona is a pleasant yet snarky.  I am good at my job and care about others.   I visit my grandmother and the rest of my family at least every other week.  And then there is my private self that no one knows about.   I am sad and lonely.   I am am angry and annoyed.   I must drag my body around to fulfill my obligations and the ones I feel I must take of.  I want to lay in my bed, alone or with my dog. 
I switch between the two every day.   On my way to work Josie #1 comes out and for 8 hours I laugh and joke around with my coworkers.   I pretend things are going well.   Then I get in my car and prepare myself for Josie #2 to come out.  I plan my day around my husband's mood and needs and any family obligations.   What do I want to do?  Doesn't matter,  I do what needs to get done.  Some days I sit in my car and I have to work up the energy to get out of my car and start the second half of my day.
I think this ramble of thoughts are running through my mind because my husband is in a hypomanic state right now and he doesn't see it but I know how this will play out.  He gets all these wonderful ideas and wants to run with them no matter how impractical they are in real life.   He wants to make plans to move and he would work for X and oh I can find a job in whatever area he is think of.  Neat except he can't stay on top of basic things like shower everyday or washing dishes.  Same thing with us having children.   Every time my period is due he tells me he hopes I am pregnant and that as soon as we find out I am pregnant he is going to start doing X, Y, and Z.  Last week I just flat out told him that I hate that he says those things because he doesn't do them now.   I just wish he could be grounded in reality more often.  
I have been thinking of the Serenity pray and trying to distinguish what I can change and what I can't.   I can help myself by taking care of my needs.   Less stress,  healthy foods,  rest and fun.
So that is my hope for the New Year.   I am making myself my priority.   I need to take care of myself because no one else will.  
Well that's my epiphany.   And one else planning for a better and healthier year?

Holy shit

So I have been eating very poorly lately and my body definitely is showing that.  I have gained weight to the point that I no longer fit into my clothes I wore last year at this time.  I also have a rash on my stomach that flared up just after I started eating crappy food again.  So it is time to get serious about my health.   This is even beyond the fact my clothes don't fit.  My mom is getting a colonosopy done right now which reminded me about my family history of illness.   Her father had colon cancer but it was the fourth(?) heart attack that actually killed him.  I had very high cholesterol five or six years ago and I got that under control through diet alone.  I am making a promise to myself to take care of myself.   I can't do everything thing I want to do if I don't .  No more fooling around this is my life, my health.  

It's snowing

It is 24 degrees outside and snowing,  perfectly normal weather for December in my part of the USA.  Monday on the other hand it was 62 degrees and sunny. I feel like that is a very drastic change within four days.   So I wanted to ask if anyone else had such strange weather this week?
Anyway,  as the year is coming to an end I am thinking about what changes I want to make in my life.   I feel like 2014 will be a year of big changes for me.  I don't know why I feel this way, but it has been a feeling that is building up inside me. 
I know I want to move out of my apartment.   I really only use my living room,  kitchen, bedroom,  and bathroom. So I want to move and save some money plus my place has many horrible memories attached to it now and I would like a fresh start.  
I applied for a newly posted job here at my company and I really do hope I get it.  The job I have now is fine but thats it just fine.  Moving up is a necessity for my if I want to do anything.   I can't stay still anymore.  
And then there is my marriage.   I have no clue as to what to do.  I play out different scenarios in my head,  debate on my options and then do nothing. I know what I would tell a friend to do but for me I just don't know.   I need a crystal ball or maybe a magic 8 ball.

Slightly better

I'm feeling slightly better right now compared to my last post a few hours earlier. Sleep helped and I did talk to the lady at the rescue and she explained that emotionally she was spent also. She was very stressed out and just caught off guard. The poor dog either has something stuck in his throat or he could have kennel cough. I have antibiotics to give him today if he is still coughing. He has had the weird cough for 24 hours now which doesn't seem like a long time but due to him having heart worm treatment and the intensity of th coughing I didn't want to take any chances. This dog is so wonderful it is crazy to think that the was going to be "put down", just because he was at the shelter too long. He is house trained, great with other animals and so sweet. He will make a great family dog.

So tired

Ever get so tired that you will cry at the drop of a hat? That is how I feel right now. I know I am tired because I didn't sleep much today with things going on and emotionally I am tired also. I slept for about one hour today and then my husband woke me up because our foster dog wouldn't stop coughing. We did know if he had something stuck in his throat or if he was sick from his heart worm treatment. I panicked and brought him to the emergency vet to get checked out. I should have called the head of the rescue first to let her know what was happening. Instead I called her once the vet saw him. She was not pleased with that. I could hear her on the phone with the vet and I started to get upset myself. So right now as I sit in the office of the vet my eyes keep welling up. I want to crawl in bed and cry. She wasn't mean or anything but I just am so emotional right now. At least my dog is ok and just needs antibiotics.

Looking back Looking forward

So right now I am on the teen unit of the hospital watching a girl with an ED. She is on LOV line of vision to ensure her safety and her peers safety. She was kicked out of a treatment facility because she was doing some self harm and threatening staff. I am wrong for thinking that a place that treats EDs should be able to handle that and actually expect so of that to happen? Well that got me all reflective about my life. It's time to get living. I have been at this job for three years and not doing anything to move forward in life. Today the job I want has been posted so I MUST fill out the application. I know I am qualified and that I can do the job. I need to move forward. Things with my husband have been good then bad then really bad then ok then good and now back to ok. It is time that I make plans for him if I feel I can't live with him anymore. Sunday was one of those days. I need to know what I should do if that ever happens again. I am not letting myself go through that ever again. 2014 will be different.

I have not been able to write for a while due to my work schedule but things are back to my normal. This past week I had three days of training which were held during normal day time. Switching from night shift to day shift and then back to night shift is hard. I have yet to perfect the amount of sleep I need or even eating normal. But I am back on my regular schedule now. Since I posted last all the normal stuff continued in my life. The most interesting thing that happened was having my foster dog get adopted on Monday. She was our fourth foster dog and Sunday ware going to take in number 5! It has been really neat to bring these dogs home and get them comfortable living with a family. It has been hard, some days I didn't want to do anything and that includes taking a dog for a walk. But I love it. Once a foster dog gets adopted I normally have sometime before the next group of dogs come in and I noticed I really missed a third animal in the house. I want to focus on living the life I really want. That means living a healthy lifestyle and enjoying different opportunities. I am tired of just existing. I want to live a fun exciting life. I want to feel like I am moving forward in life not staying still. So I am going to actually map out some goals for the new year. Once I figure them out I will be posting them.

New phone

Well I got my new phone today and once I figure out how to use it I know I will love it! This is the first time I have ever had the "newest" phone from a company. I hate the first week with a new phone not knowing how to use anything. I am trying to listen to my music and I think I have found how to do it but it seems to be slow. I guess I should read the booklet. Once I figure more out I will write a real post.

C.R.E.W.S.

My motto:
Cardio
Relax
Eat clean
Weights
Stay Positive

I am hoping that repeatingthis in my head will make everything seem easier.

One day closer

Well I am trying to keep my goals in my mind so that I can make them a habit.  I did a halfway decent job yesterday.  I did make my soup, I ate 1 healthy/real meal (at my parents house!) But I did not go for my walk.  I was going to but the soup took longer to make than I thought it would.  To make up for it I did more walking around and I cleaned the kitchen floor.  Not the same but it is something. 
For today I have to bring my husband to his dr appointment so that will eat up some of my time.  But to set myself up for success I am going to do a few exercises while at work.  I still want to either go for a walk or lift weights but this is an insurance policy. 
I need to keep these things on my mind because if I don't then I just let things slide and happen.  No more of that!  I am going to apply for that job I mentioned once it is officially posted.  In the meantime I let my supervisors know I was going to apply for it and one of them ( the night supervisor) is the reason I know I can do the job.  She really wants me to get it because me doing a good job would make her job less stressful and easier.   I am going to print out a description of the job and review it.  I figure I will be able to look for things the job requires and show everyone that I can do it.  Gossip gets around fast here, I told one person I was going to apply and now half the staff knows, so I will use that to my advantage.  Funny it was the night supervisor who told everyone. 
Ok time to get myself organized for the week.  Have a great week ladies!

Countdown to 2014

It is never too late. I have not been taking care of myself for a long while now and it has caught up with me. I have been letting things go that I should have been working on. I have done a lot of nothing. That is done. Today is the first of December and I am using the next 30 days as a warm up for the year 2014. 1. I will apply for the job at work in another department. It is scary to me, it is very different than what I do now but I can do it. 2. I will eat at least one healthy meal/snack a day. 3. I will take my dog for a proper walk around the neighborhood any day that it is not insane to go outside. 4. If I didn't go for that walk I must use my dumbells instead. That is all. Any more and I fear I won't succeed. One day at a time. Today I must go home and make my favorite soup so I am prepared for the week. I will need to figure out if I have enough time to go for the walk, which as I type this I realise that excuse is bullshit. It is my time to make. So yes I will make my soup, go for a walk and then go to lunch at my parents house. I will eat a healthy meal with my family. That part might be harder to do with my mother cooking but I will have the healthist meal I can have, that's all.