Feelings

I am well aware that I lead two lives.   My public persona and my private life.  My public persona is a pleasant yet snarky.  I am good at my job and care about others.   I visit my grandmother and the rest of my family at least every other week.  And then there is my private self that no one knows about.   I am sad and lonely.   I am am angry and annoyed.   I must drag my body around to fulfill my obligations and the ones I feel I must take of.  I want to lay in my bed, alone or with my dog. 
I switch between the two every day.   On my way to work Josie #1 comes out and for 8 hours I laugh and joke around with my coworkers.   I pretend things are going well.   Then I get in my car and prepare myself for Josie #2 to come out.  I plan my day around my husband's mood and needs and any family obligations.   What do I want to do?  Doesn't matter,  I do what needs to get done.  Some days I sit in my car and I have to work up the energy to get out of my car and start the second half of my day.
I think this ramble of thoughts are running through my mind because my husband is in a hypomanic state right now and he doesn't see it but I know how this will play out.  He gets all these wonderful ideas and wants to run with them no matter how impractical they are in real life.   He wants to make plans to move and he would work for X and oh I can find a job in whatever area he is think of.  Neat except he can't stay on top of basic things like shower everyday or washing dishes.  Same thing with us having children.   Every time my period is due he tells me he hopes I am pregnant and that as soon as we find out I am pregnant he is going to start doing X, Y, and Z.  Last week I just flat out told him that I hate that he says those things because he doesn't do them now.   I just wish he could be grounded in reality more often.  
I have been thinking of the Serenity pray and trying to distinguish what I can change and what I can't.   I can help myself by taking care of my needs.   Less stress,  healthy foods,  rest and fun.
So that is my hope for the New Year.   I am making myself my priority.   I need to take care of myself because no one else will.  
Well that's my epiphany.   And one else planning for a better and healthier year?