124

God I am bored of his number. I am greatful that is not swinging from high to low and back again but I have to break through to the other side (thanks "the doors"). Last week I was off my normal routine of night shift due to training during the day. But I am back on nights again which I love. I know a lot of people don't like night shift hours but it gives me my very nessesary ME time. Most nights at work I spend 4 hours working and 4 hours reading or blogging, although I also balance my check book and other things too. Not having any veg out time last week sucked.
So now back to the important plan to lose as much wt as possible before new years sneeks up on me. I still don't know what I am wearing, I have two dresses but I don't really love either of them so I can't really make a decision. Oh and I don't have shoes to wear and I am way too broke to buy a pair. I can't even get gas for the car until Friday when I get paid. That is also the day I have to go christmas shopping. Sounds like fun right? Oh well.
So today my game plan is to take in as few calories as possible (duh). I took the bronk and no doz combo before work and I will take another combo at 3:30 and maybe again at 8:30. Not really sure though since I have an appointment at 10 and then I want to go to bed by 1 or 2 the latest. I will play it by ear though. Ugh. I can't believe I have shop this weekend. Oh well.

shit

So my very supportive husband had pizza 3x this week, you know after I told him how hard it is fr me not to binge. His answer- you can can have one or two slices! Really sweetie? Is that why I am still in therapy after 13 years? Hejust doesn't get it because when we first started dating I was eating like a normal person, I call it my reprive from being crazy. Well that time is long gone and he can't wrap his head around the consept of trigger foods or lack of portion control. So here I am stil in bouncing between 123.1 and 124.7. Yay. But I am a planer who craves control so here is my plan:
Wake up take bronk
Go to work-eat the bare minium (maybe pretzels or fiber bar)
Take bronk around 5 or 6 am
Go home have something small to eat to appease hubby if I have to
Take bronk before going to visit family for lunch
Eat lunch with family- as little as possible
Go home and try not to eat before I crash and go to sleep

Well the plan written out sounds fine its just implemnting that gets hard. Family meat will most likely be a pasta dish of some sort and I can have a toasted cheese sandwhich after work for under 200 cals. Ugh

Fuck I also forgot to take my prozac before I left for work so I need to take that as soon as I get home. I realy wish I could get my meds changed or adjusted. I have had no motivation for life for months now. Even small things like balencing the check book, calling for appointments, and putting clothes away have been a struggle to do. I need to do atleast one of these pesky tasks a day to feel like a functioning adult. I reaaly suck at this being an adult crap. Well that's not true I did do all of this crap up until last jun
e or so when I just became burned out. I guess you can only survive in over drive/full speed for so long before the engine dies. But maybe forcing my self to dob some of these things will get me feeling better.
As for now I feel like a omie who can't get anything done.
You know what this is dumb my husband can do some of this shit. I am going to make a list and give him some shit to do. He is now able to do some of this shit now and its time he starts. Ok now I feel a bit better. Although I still want a pause botton for life.

fail fail fail

I was able to handle a wine tour with tons of calories everywhere but now a normal week is fucking me over. I have some foods that start me on a bad cycle and I eat them and all hell breaks loose. So I will be good I will lose wt. I will be good I will losse wt.
I am thinking I am going to try and sleep as long as I can because I can't eat then.

Has anyone seen the new series that Tracey Gold has on the lifetime chanel called starving secrets? Its like intervention for eating disorders. It kind of lame but when I watch something like that I can eat and zone out so it helpful.
Eh there is no order in this post, maybe its the xanax I took but I am ready for bed.

123.1

Yes! I survived the weekend. The wine trip I went on with the other 14 ladies was not as challenging as I thought it would be. Started off with a plain 1/2 a bagel that I scooped the dough out of so I only ate the thin part. I then started on the alcohol. In total I had 5 or 6 jello shots, a mamosa, and tasted atleast 30 wines throught the day. I did eat 1/2 a grilled chicken sandwhich with some french fries. I also had snacks on the bus once I got a bit tipsy. I then threw up in a bucket on the bus which was gross. It was gross because *warning tmi* I could still smell the wine and I couldn't dump the bucket right away so I hadb tob hold the bucket. Its sad but I was so happy to puke because I was worried about all those calories. I know it wasn't much but it was enough to have lost a lb. Now I have to keep it going til new years eve for the wedding. I don't think I will be down to 115 like I wanted but I will be trying to get as low as possible.
My husband said he would b supportive and not keep asking for pizza and donuts, yet this week he got pizza 2x and bought a ton of junk food. He did eat most of it fairly quickly but its kind of annoying that he said one thing and did another. I just have to be strong. Today has the potenial to be a good day. I have already had a serving of my soup for 230 cals and I am going to try not to eat anything else until I get home. If I need I have a kashi bar and a fiber bar as backup. If I am able to stay on target I should be able to get a decent loss.
Well I am at work so I better get off this and you know pretend I am working.

day off

Wow a day off feels so good. I stayed awake for 20 hours and then passed out for 12 hours it was awesome! I was able to spend all that time with my husband and tomorrow I go on a wine trip with my soon to be sister in law and all her friends. I have never been on a wine tour and I don't even like wine but I really wanted to go with all of them. I think I will have a good time but I feel a bit weird since I really only know a few of the girls. I don't even know what to wear. The girls got long sleeve shirts made for us so it is a relaxed trip. I was thinking skinny jeans with my uggs or black boots. The uggs are nice and warm but I don't know if it will be muddy and I will not let them get ruined. They were a gift- I am way too cheap and broke to have bought real ones.
My other worry is that I want to keep taking the bronkaid but I don't know how.it will react with wine. I am only going to be taking sips because I have never liked wine, but hey maybe I will find one that I like. I am not worried about food since I looked at the menu for lunch and there is a grilled chicken salad so that's easy. I am also going to bring a bag of peanuts and pretzels to help soak up the wine between places for the girls. Hopefully all goes well.

124.1

Well I am glad I am down a bit but I am disapointed with myself for how I ate after work yesterday. I went home after work and had a bowl of fruit loops and about a half cup of ice cream. What a wonderful meal right before bed. I realize that my xanax gives me the urge to eat even when I am not hungry so I need to train myself not to graze like a cow anymore. At one point in life I had self control and I need to get it back. Its like a muscle that needs to get more defined.
I went to my work party today and I had a nice time although I ordered a chicken ceasar salad with NO dressing but some how it still had some dressing on it - gross. I don't like most salad dressings so I always tell the waiter no dressing. I ended up eating some of the grilled chicken and a small amount of lettuce but since it wasn't what I wanted I didn't even eat half of it. Now I am at work and I didn't bring anything tob eat; well that's not true I keep a kashi bar and a fiber one bar in my purse at all times just in case. My plan for the next 12 hours (when I go to sleep) is to not eat anything while here at work, have a bowl of cheerios with almond milk before taking my husband to his appointment and if I need to have something else a bag of popcorn. That's it. No excuses or bullshit. I want this wt off me the sooner the better. I think I can get into the 122's for Saturday and stay on target for 115 for new years.
I think I have to go dress shopping for new years eve the dress I have borrowed I don't love. I mean its cute but I think if I get down enough in wt I am going to get a different dress, maybe that can be one of my rewards besides the joy of not looking like a jiggly blob.
You know how I aid I have to start to exercise? Yea that hasn't happened. I am so tired when I get home from work I just want to sit and watch tv with my husband. And as I type this it is snowing, well on my way to work it was, so I will not be going for long walks with my dog - we both don't like the snow. Maybe I can do some squats and things here at work. I have to make sure I am not on camera looking like a fool, and not wake up anybody. Its a thought but so is sitting on my ass and reading til 8:00am. Eh.
Remember ladies hunger is just a feeling and feelings pass...

124.3

Ok I stayed the same too long now! I have been much more slack since Sunday and I need to get strict again. Today is going to be a long odd day so I need a plan:
Eat veggies at work before I leave
Take my med that makes me sleepy on the way home so I go right to sleep
Wake up and shower 6 hours later
Go to work function and eat only a salad
Come home and rest
Go to work
Wow sounds like fun. The only reason I will be awake enough to do all of that crap on such little sleep is that bronkaid and no doz combo. I really don't want to spend any money on food out but I have to go and be social. I will have to take some no doz before I go and hopefully I will be awake enough. I so would rather sleep. Oh well.
Goal for Saturday is 122. I think I can do it and then keep going for new years. I just have to keep wt loss in mind. Even when my husband brings home icecream and other yummy trats I have to stay strong it is worth it.
I also have to get my life together. Its ben on hold for awhile and it needs a kick start. I would love a job like I used to have but its hard with this economy. I just have to start my life myself

124.3

This is so awesome. I can't believe I am losing wt like this, I haven't been able to do this in so so long. I woke up this morning,actual morning since I was off work last night, and I really didn't expect a hugh drop since I had eaten at my mothers house but what a happybsurprise it was. Yesterday I stayed up for 21 hours yet I felt fine for most of it. Yes I was a bit jittery but I was able to avoid food until I was home from work. Once at home I had two handful of cereal which was so yummy! At moms I had 1/2 cup of pasta with sauce and two(!) Slices of garlic bread and 1/2 of a brownie. When I got home I had one bowl of dry cereal, one bowl of cereal with almond milk, and two handfuls of whoppers.
So yup pretty shocked I lost. So today I don't really have much planned except to go to sleep at 3pm or so. That's it. I will most likely have to eat at some point with my husband to make sure he doesn't notice all the rescriting I am doing. When I work it has been so easy, I just avoid EVERYTHING until 5 am and then have one handful/one mouthful or whatever is around and then have something small at home so my husband sees me eat. This bronkaid is fucking awesome! I can't believe how much it works! It has made this so much easier. I can't believe I had been wasting so much money on crappy diet pills when this had been available. How did I not know about this? this is a greatful Thank You to the wonderful women who writes mylifeonthereelz. I think I messed up the name of the blog but I have no idea how to create a link to her blog. But thank you. I feel so good and I know you are not having an easy time right now but you will start to feel better, you have to because of karma, you helped me and you will feel the payback.
I am hopeful that I might even get down to 121 for my little event on this coming Saturday and wow I can only hope to be around 115 or less for new years eves big event.

125.1

Wow I can't believe my wt was that low when I got on the scale. I was hoping for 125.4 but yay. I didn't really eat yesterday. Instead I didn't eat at work, I came home and didn't eat a real meal I had a handful of pretzels and 75% of a bag fat free popcorn. So far today I haven't eaten just drank some crystal light. I am not sure how today will go but I have to go to visit my family and before that I want to put up our christmas tree. I want to get the tree up so that we can decorate it when we get the ornimants from my parents. This will be our first tree together so I am very excited which is really lame but I dont care. I know that I will have to eat at my parens so I don't know what I should do before then. I want to have my soup but I am wondering if I can forgo food until I get to my parents house, its just a power trip to see if I can do it. Humm, not sure.
I never took my walk yesterday but I did dye my hair so it is blue black again. I love it.
Well I better sign off since I am at work and I can't stop and start writing on this blog.

opps

I couldn't get back to the blog so I had to publish it. But I wanted to write how much better I am feeling. I guess antidepressants and stimulants work very well together.

125.8

I am so happy to see ths scale go down finally! Yesterday went so well food wise, I was ble to stay under 400cals for the day without my husband even noticing. I had a toasted cheese sandwhich (two slices of bread, two slices of fat free cheese) while he ate a hugh hoagie. I need to figure out how much lower I can be in one week,maybe shhot for 123? I want more loss but I guess I should be realistic.
Todays goals are:
No mindless munching (no handfuls of whatever is around)
Take the dog for a one mile walk
Keep calories under 500

And maybe
Dye my hair
Put away all my clothes

Well that's the plan I just have to stay motivated to get shit done. I have to say the bronkaid is awesome. I even feel like it is helping with my depression and giving me more energy. I leave work at 8:30am and I feel like I can actually do things after work. I want to go for a walk and clean up my room. I have even gone out and stayed awake with energy til 2 or 3pm. I haven't felt this good in a long while.

126.3

Yay! Finally a decent loss. Yesterday was easy, wish everyday would be. I took 1 bronkaid and 1 caffiene pill at 10:30pm and another dosage at 4am. The only thing I ate at work were a few almonds and a handful of caramel popcorn (label says 110cals). When I went home I had two servings of fake cheerios with unsweetened almond milk (less than 300cals). I can't say they make me not hungry; instead I feel hungry for a bit and take a large amount of water and then feel fine for awhile again. Even right now I am slightly hungry but I am going to drink another 16oz of water and then wait til around 4 or 5am to take another dose. I brought my soup which has 120 cals which means when I get home I can have a bowl of cereal for my final meal of the day.
I am so hopeful that I will be in the 125's for Saturday and by next Saturday I am hoping for 123, I just don't want to be disappointed in myself.