same

Ok I did it to myself so I can't be mad at the scale. I ate baked doritos after work and they were so good damn it! But today I will be busier after work which will keep me on track. I have a vet appointment for my dog at 11; which means we need to leave around 10:30 so I can do something before I go home. I will most likely go to walmart for water packets and then the park. I went to the park today but it was so chilly I only stayed for 10 minutes. I have to stay on track today for the whole day. I have wt myself after work 2 days in a row and I was my morning wt, which would mean I could be down in wt when I wake up,if I didn't eat afterwards. So today I am going to be done eating by 10:30 and stay active this only means I won't sit and watch tv until I fall asleep. Instead I will either clean or go for a walk with my dog. I have to do something that involves me moving I don't care what. I wish I had a trampoline like I did as a teenager I loved bouncing on that thing. Oh well time for actual work.

117.2

Ok I stayed the same which is ok since I thought I might have a slight gain instead. Today has gone very well even though my coworkers have brought even more junk food in today. I did have one cracker and three bbq chips. I have only had one serving of my cereal today but I packed two just in case I needed more. I hope it is nice out today yesterday was a little chilly when I walked my dog. But I did stop at the park and sit for about ten minutes after work, I might start doing that more often since it is so peaceful. Well I might get a chance to write more but this is all for now.

117.2

Haven't been this wt in a long time. Can't really blog now so I will have to post again later.

YES

I woke up feeling crappy because I didn't sleep very soundly. I kept waking up to go to the bathroom and I was having dreams that made it seem like I was awake. Since I woke up 40 minutes before my alarm to go to the bathroom I didn't go back to sleep I just laid in bed and read tmz on my phone and just tok a slow start to my day. I was hoping for a half pound drop on the scale and instead I saw 117.9! I didn't believe it at first and had to step on it again to double check. That immeaditaly but me in a much better mood. I have therapy after work today and I think this new therapist is really good for me. Therapy with me has to be like playing table tennis against a wall. I know what I should be doing and therfore I end up complaining about something, setting up a goal to work around/with the problem. Like the fact that I need to fix everything. I know I can't be overextending myself so I limit my obligations. I also try to get some me time and I don't sacrifice sleep. Yay me, anyway... I am at work right now sitting with a pack of moon pies in front of me and to the side of me is full fat cheese, chocolate bars,pretzels and crackers. I am surrounded! But I just keep thinking that I am on a roll and I need to keep it up. Knowing others are working hard also helps. Well that's all for now my break is over. Oh and I wanted to let jamie know I def didn't take offense to your comment it made me feel good to have someone respond to me and know they understand my fustrations . Thanks.

same

Stayed the same which is disapointing but better than a gain. I ended up doing a pretty good job after work keeping busy and not devouring food in my kitchen to balance out that crazy brownie. When I left work I decided I should follow my therapist advice, so I utilized my xanax. Fucking love that shit. It makes everything less annoying and if I take it after a night of bronks and no doz it gives me a lovely mellow feeling. So as I was driving home my husband sends me a text saying he is in a horrible mood and doesn't feel good so could I pick him up some chew. Incase you don't know what that is it is chewing tabacco and it is so so gross. He randomly started doing this last summer once in awhile. So nasty and I guess I am a bit mean because I think chew is so white trash. So I bought that and went home. I changed out of my work clothes and noticed he had fallen back asleep. I went downstairs figuring I would chill down there and instead I went on a cleaning spree. Our kitchen floor was so gross so I cleaned that and the litter box. In the middle of that x comes downstairs and says "I should be doing that not you". Ofcourse I agree but since he has not done it I figured I might as well if I wanted it done. I also did a load of laundry and loaded the dishwasher. I wrote a note to remind him to run it later. He didn't. then I went outside and started getting our back porch cleaned up so I can sit out there finally. I think it looks much nicer now and all I really need now are chairs. I have one that I can use and sit with all the over grown ivy and relax. I hope it gets warmer so I can sit out there soon Foodwise today hasn't been bad I have a container full of carrots in front of me that I am trying to eat but I'm just not enjoying them at all. I am just wanting to eat carbs instead. Must be strong, must see scale go down.

119.2

Well I am feeling much better today. I had two days off in a row and I was I n need of some R&R. Sunday morning when I got home I ended up going to take a "nap", 8 hours later I woke up and watched a movie with hubby. I then went back to sleep for 6 hours! I watched tv on Monday night with X and while watching his show I was on my phone reading some news stories and he had the balls to say he was upset because I should have been watching the tv/spending time with him. Really?! I can completly understand the statement; however, this past week he has spent hours of time on the computer, not even in the same room as me, while I was home. So I told him exactly that and he agreed that he did do that this past week and that it wasn't fair. Food wise I was doing great until a coworker gave me a hugh brownie that was homemade by another coworker. It was very tasty and I ate it slowly which is an improvement since I normally just inhale baked goods. So I am going to try to take the rest of the day and keep it light. Maybe that will balance it out. I really wish is was nice out so I could go to the park but is foggy and damp so sitting under pine trees would not be a happy time. Well I have to actually work now.

that didnt last long

Well that wonderful feeling of bliss is gone. Oh and yup I am at work a coworker called off so I still had to come in. Let's see I left work yesterday and it was nice out so I sent my huby a text saying I wanted to go to the park. I drove home with the windows down and listening to nice summer music. I get home and he hadn't read my text but he said ok let's go to the park. Sounds great right? We go to the park and I park the car and he says "I don't really want to sit in the park". Grr. That's fine but why couldn't he just say that? I could have gone by myself. So we go back home. He starts playing on the computer and I sit on my bed doing nothing. So much fun. So I figure I might as well get some errands done and head to walmart to get cereal and fill my xanax script. I come home and start getting ready to go to sleep, this is 4.5 hours after I get home he says oh I am going to get off the comp and come sit with you. Really? So I tell him don't worry about it I am going to sleep. And when I woke up for work he was in a weird mood. Fuck it after work today I am doing something I want to do,I don't know what but I don't care. I need some time to myself before I go off on someone. Ok happy thoughts. I need to get away from this mood, I don't want to spend the day in a funk. Time to get my self together.

back on track 119.4

Well the wt is finally moving in the right direction. My GI track is working again at least for the moment. Yesterday after work was wonderful. I left work and drove to my favorit park and sat under some trees reading while listening to some music. Perfect. I then met up with my mom and grandmother to do some shopping. My grandma bought me a pair of awesome heels that wil be great during the summer. We then went to Apple Beas for lunch and even that was nice. I am glad my grandmother chose that instead of the food court. I ordered a grilled chicken ceasar salad with no dressing and it was perfect. I hate most salad dressings and my family is used to me ordering like that so again things went well. When I go home I felt nice and calm and I was able to enjoy some time with my hubby, instead of coming home in a pissy mood. I don't know how long this good mood with last but that's ok I will enjoy it while it is here. I am most likely working this weekend, well I am not sure yet my supervisor will let me know. I am sheduled to work but it would be overtime and I don't think they will really be ale to justify the OT.it would be nice to have time off but I also want the extra money so either way I don't care. The weather will be nice the next few days and I would love to actually be outside to enjoy it. I think I am hitting a mood platue here at work, I did get all my real responsibilites done so I really don't have anything that I need to do, I am going to read my book and hopefully I won't have to do anything the rest of the night.

full of shit

No really, I am full of shit. I have not had a bm in about a week. I have taken stool softeers 3x now and nothing. I have been eating a lot of fiber and drinking water but nothing. My stomach is so gross and distended. Yuck. I am going to take more tomorrow and try to eat something with fat in it since not having enough fat in a diet can slow things down. Gross. Anyway, my wt is back up which I am trying to tell myself is due to no bms. I am also in a bit of a bitchy mood right now. I think I need a vacation from my life, even if only for a day or two. Anyone else ever feel that way? See I am the classic "care taker". I take care of my husband and pets,even though my husband thinks he is caring for the pets. He is not. And he has been isolating himself all week and been a little grumpy about some trivial shit. Really you want to be annoyed that I left something on the counter and didn't throw it right out? Well maybe you could look at the living room, bedroo, spare bedroom and computer room and throw out or at least clean up you stuff?! Ok I have to not bitch, I need to look at my situation and determine what is bothering me and what I can change. Let's see, house is a mess...well I have tried telling him what I think is messy and he hasn't touched it so maybe I can make a checklist and ask him to complete the list with me. Eh whatever. I just wish I didnt have to always feel like I have to be the responsible adult. I work atleast 48 hours a week and I feel like he should take care of the apartment and animals since he is the one at home. Oh but he wants another dog and a baby, that won't be a problem right no big deal. Grr. Ok less bitching. Well in the morning when I leave work my grandmother wants me to go shopping with her and my mom. The place they want to go won't open til 10 so I think I am going to have some alone chill out time. Not sure where I will go but I think a need some tme to myself. Eh.

too much

Ok I went overboard yesterday while I was upset with my husband. Stupid me ate in anger and ate too much. Not today! I know I was being honest yesterday and he did not like my assessment of the situation but I can't let things slide that are that life altering.
Anyway...
Today I have done pretty well but I am at work and this is the easy part of the day. I packed my food for work and once I eat everything it will be 600cals. Then after work I am going to make myself a bean wrap or two and leave it at that. I have to get some errands done today before going home and then I will be bringing X to his therapist for his regular appointment. That leaves me about 40 minutes of alone time. Granted it is in a waiting room but I now bring my mp3 player and listen to music while reading my book since my phone doesn't connect to he internet up there.
So leave work and:
Drive to bank
Post office
And make 3 phone calls
Then home.
I need to work on my next article for my website and start to feel like the full version of ME. That sounds so lame but I have been woried about so much and trying to fix everything around me that I have been neglecting myself for too long. I set a goal to try yoga one time before I see my therapist and that will be next week so I must do that soon.

I had a funky dream yesterday that is very much like my reacurring dream of me in an uncontrolable car. This time I was driving a car in the dark on a highway. There was no light. No headlights and no street lights. I was driving going slowly and I remember thinking I wish the lights were on. I guess that it was a better dream since I didn't feel out of control, instead I was being careful driving slow and staying calm. Much better than the out of control feeling in my dream about a car flipping over and over. Or my bouncing dream where I am bouncing uncontrolably and can't grab on to anything o stop. I haven't had that one in awhile. So anyway improvement.

Now it is time take charge and get shit done, I am in control of my actions and I need to act deliberatly. This is not the time to be passive with my life.

still suck

Well my wt is horrible right now and my jeans are tight and digging into me-gross. I almost wore a pair of jeans that are my "fatter" jeans but I thought, why should I be comfortable? With my jeans being tight it will hopefully keep me I line.
I was off from work for 2 days and it was awesome, my husband and I didn't do anything exciting or extra special we just hung out and watched family guy and other cartoons. I did force myself to take a walk yesterday instead of going right to sleep but I still haven't really worked out. I have been streaching, trying to get flexable again. I am trying to plan in my head how to set up the living room so I can work out and leave the ball and wts out.
I did however start my professional blog, my first goal with that site is to upload some articles I have written and keep it active as a proper healthy site that I can use to fee less like a failure as an adult. I figure if I can keep up with it I will feel like I am actually utilizing my degree. I have just felt so frozen in my life recently. Time to thaw.

*******

Ok ladies time for me to get my shit together! Who is with me, (anyone?)? I don't like how life is going and I know I can change some shit and make it better, I just have to actually do something about. I can't complain or be depressed and not do anything to change it. Like the one of my favorite O.A.R. songs says "I've gotta turn this thing around".
I love that it is 3am and I am motivated to kick my life into high gear, thanks to a lovely combination of antidepressants, caffeine and bronkaid. I just hope I have this motivation when I leave work in the morning.

i suck

Well I got my period and feel gross.
That's it.

118.6

Ok I feel I am now making progress with my wt loss. I have taking the bronkaid again and I do feel like it is helpful. I have been extra jittery by the end of my day but that I have calmed with xanax. I am planing on being some what active after work today. It should be nice out so I want to take the dog for a walk in the park. Its not a lot of activity but it is more active than sitting on my sofa watching tv. I did inflate my stability ball and looked through the whole kit, I am setting a goal for myself of trying yoga this week. I want to be flexable again so I figure I will need to start doing so kind of activity after work. I figure if I do it after work I can use the time to unwind. I also know that when I get home from work that is the time I am most likely to binge or over eat. Replacing that activity with something positive for myself would be a smart thing to do, now I just have to actually do it.