114.2

Awesome. Sleeping for hours and hours really helps with the whole not eating thing. I did have a few temptations the past few days but thinking of the scale I stayed on course. Saturday I went to that thing with my husband and the other couple who also brought her 5 year old. I love kids so much and its been really hard being around any because I know I can't bring a child into the life we live. Anyway, I was tempted by the consession stand goodies and then the gas station junk food and I resisted. Then I went for mcdonalds at 2 am for x and since I had not eaten in 10 hours I quickly looked up the calories of the food on the dollar menu and settled with a cheeseburger for 300 cals. I wanted to pig out so bad but before I went on the food run I stepped on the scale and saw 115. I knew I would lose if I stayed strong. But damn did I want fries! Tonight at work I am surrounded by godies but I need to stay strong, I will be tempted enough later at my mothers house. Why must baked goods be so yummy? I am fine resisting real food but sugary sweets are so hard to keep out of my mouth. I am so drowzy right now I could just curl up in a ball and go right back to sleep except I am at work. I need to do something that will keep me awake and I have already taken two caffiene pills and two bronks! Wish me luck...

Oh the last pic I posted yes it was me many many years ago, that was the "summer of the blue shorts". That was a pic of a pic so the quality sucks but I love my collar bones in that photo. I won't look that way again because I actually have some boobs now but I want to get thin again. It is working slowly. But it will happen. Am I the only one who has noticed that a lot of actresses now have chest bones that are visible above the boobs and under their colloar bones? I don't remember seeing that up until about 2 to 3 years ago. I only remember the thighs and stomach. Well got to get going. Good luck this weekend ladies be strong.

Ready to go full steam!

My wt has stayed in the 115's for awhile now and it is time for a major push to get losing again.  I actually had off from work last night so I ended up sleeping from 6pm to 6am.  It was wonderful.  I am also off tonight and I actually have plans.  We (my husband, his friend and his wife) will be driving about 2 hours for an event for the guys.  If I stay strong I should be able to eat light today and then tomorrow I will need to sleep during the day to be ready for work.  Sleeping = Not Eating.  I want to start june at 114.

Inspiration

114.4

Not bad I was expecting a gain due to Life cereal eaten in too large of a quantity. I finally had a full 24 hours without any extra craziness. Work was fine nothing too taxing as most of the patients have been on their meds long enough for them to start working. At home I basically did nothing, I changed into some yoga pants washed my face and sat on my bed till I was ready to go to sleep. It was wonderful. My sleep was interupted a few times because my dog does not like anyone coming near the front of our house. Since it was a sunny warm day people were outside and she ended up barking a few times. I realised she has regressed since our other dog died and is a lot less socilized. I wouldn't want to call her agressive but unfortunatly she is. She does not like other dogs and in fact she bit my brothers pit bull and snaped at a boxer in the park that got too close. She is 20 lbs of toughness. Goal for today: Work Home Have one serving of a dry cereal Go to the park with my husband and my dog My hope is that we take a walk around the park and then sit and enjoy some of the warm day. I think being at the park around other people and dogs will be god for her and it keeps me away from my kitchen. I hope things are going better for everyone, we all deserve it.

114.2

No time to blog right now. Grr.

115.4

Well if things are going to suck at least I am dropping wt so that's nice. I normally flip between over eating or under eating when I am stressed like this. Right now it is under. Thinking back to yesterday is kind of blurry. We had a good morning and then I went to sleep. Only thing is I forgot to get my rx for elevil which I take before bed so I took a benedryl. Glad I did because x woke me all messed up. The details don't matter I'll just say he was completly not himself. He ended up doing things that I would rather not right about again, but this is the only place I can keep track of it for his treatment team. I'll just say it was 2 c's and 1 h. Oh and he went and bought beer. 2 40oz beers. He is on enough meds to put a horse down and he drinks 80oz of beer? PISSED. I want to go in his visit tomorrow with his therapist but he said he wants to go in alone. I am thinking I should go in at the begining of the visit or maybe I could give her a note with the things I want her to know and the questions I have for her. I think I will write down the things I want to review but still try to actually go in with him. I need to know what to do when it gets this bad. Yes me drugging him worked but I can't really do that. I need help. How many times can I break til I shatter?~ O.A.R I need something I just don't know what. Thank you ladies for all your support you don't know how much I appreciate everything.

Day off

Ok my day off was half relaxing(sleeping for 13 hours is normally relaxing), and half not( X was still not 100%). When I left work I took a route home I have never taken before knowing that the interstate I normally take is under heavy construction with a bridge being replaced. The route I was told would take longer and was through the middle of nowhere but I wouldn't be stuck in traffic forever. It was a lovely drive but it did take forever. Once home x and I laid around did nothing then went shopping. We did get anything and then I went to sleep, as I had been up for about 20 hours. Took my meds and I was out. X did wake me up 2x because he wasn't doing well but the next day he was fine and we got to enjoy a few hours more before I go to sleep. Which is what I am bout to do. Oh I tried on the blue shorts and they fit and so do some of my old pants. Awesome, just a little more.

Well that happened

So 5/15 went very badly.  My husband didn't even realize what day it was and I think it was better he not know.  We had a great morning together and then I went to sleep.  He woke me up saying I had to commit him, that he wasn't right.  Then he got more and more bizare saying things and doing things out of character. He grabed me and held me by the neck but didn't hurt me. I can't fucking believe what I am typing/thinking. I would tell another woman to do everything different than what I do. The worst part is that he won't remember what happened. I have to go with him to see his therapist and let her know how bad it really was. He can't minimise this behavior. Bleeding twice and grabbing me, we need a plan on how to handle this. Last night I drugged him. I know what I was doing though, I gave him one of his rx's as an extra dose like we do at the hospital and it helped. But we can't continue to do that without the doctor knowing. Just need to make it through the next 27 hours till his appointment. I really thought I might have to take him to the hospital last night, it was bad. Really bad.

I hate 5/15

I woke up fine, before my alarm even went off. I was going to just lay in bed and watch the news and check my emails. Instead my husband came in the room and I could tell something was off. So another night wasted. I am starting to get more and more pissed and I want it to stop. I don't think I am asking too much. I think if this was all going on at a different time or at different times it wouldn't bother me as much. Four years ago today I walked in on his suicide attempt. Complaining that he doesn't clean up the apartment as much as I would like seems petty. My wt was the same because I pigged out on cereal. I have to make a rule that I can't eat "his" cereal. "His" being any of the cereal that I can't stop eating like life,captin crunch, and anything else that I lose control with. I can stick with my shreaded wheat and that's it. I am striving for 108 as my before summer goal. Looking at the calender I am setting the finish line at 6/15. It is 4 weeks for 8lbs, I must do it. I am going to have to find my blue shorts. I bought them the one summer that I felt that I was thin. I should be able to button them and not have a muffin top, that's one of the goals. I hate shorts and never wear any outside of the house but fitting into them will be concrete proof that I am back at an exceptable wt. Well I better get some actual work done before it gets too crazy here (ha crazy at the mental hospital!).

Up and down

Up and down really describes everything right now. My mood, my wt, my want to do anything. On Friday I went to therapy even though I just wasn't in the mood, I am glad I went since she is so positive and my week had gone so horribly. We talked about coping skills and knowing my limits of what I can do. It helps to hear someone else telling you that you are doing a good job. Even when I feel like I am not. 116.2 That is surprising since I was faced with so much food the last few days. We even went out for Mexican food, it was so good! Then lunch at my moms. And she sent home some nice highly caloric snacks. X ate the cupcakes and I brought the girl scout cookies to work to try to save myself. Speaking of x I believe he ordered a PPV and fell asleep and missed all of it. He said he didn't order it but the chanel was on when I went into the living room and woke him up. Pissed. I really want to write about so much more but I feel so blah right now. Hopefully it will pass soon.

116.7

What a wonderful time to get my period. I feel bloated and overtired. I was going to have the next two days off, however, I might be offered overtime and I am not sure what I should do. Yes I need the money but I really need a break. Maybe I can work this weekend and take different days off? I will figure something out. I have been horrible this week food wise. The cake is still at work and yesterday after work I devoured chips. Awesome. So I am now 8.7lbs above my summer wt. I can handle that wt and not feel fat. I mean I won't feel skinny but I will be more comfortable. I just need to focus and get back on track. No stale cake! No chips! I m hungry now and I already had veggies and dry cereal, I don't want to have another serving of cereal but it will be better than eating crap I guess.

I feel empty and not in the good way

Ok I normally love empty but I am just so beaten down right now. This supermoon made everyone extra crazy. At least at work I am getting paid. I went home this morning and my husband informed me he lost sometime and when he came to he was bleeding. He had cut off a skin tag. I stayed calm because I am just out of energy. So I realized I needed to let him know that I am going to call his doctor if there are any other incidents. Two blackouts that end with blood is enough. If anything else happens I will need to do something. I am not sure what I will do besides tell his therapist but I that is the fist step. If I would have brought him to an ER there was a good chance he would be admitted to a psy hospital. I don't know how much more I can take. And I have to meet with my psy PA. She is the one that prescribes my meds so I only see her every 2 or 3 months. I knew May would suck so I made an appointment early. Then I see my therapist later in the week. I need a break from my life, anyone have a pause button? I am off from work for one day and I don't want to do anything. I would love to check into a hotel and escape from real life.

pic

I am going to hell.
But really?
This was taken on a Friday night.

115.9

Well if the month is going to be horrible no matter what I might as well lose wt. I couldn't finish my post yesterday about how I hate this month but I did explain the past. This month so far without the past hasn't been too great though. Let's see my husband was having hallucinations, acting bizare- oh and he cut his wrist. He explained he didn't remember doing it and he wasn't trying to kill himself, the cuts were too small and not deep enough but still. Then I had a horrible day that envolved me going to work Thursday night and leaving Friday morning, going right to sleep for 5 hours and then going to an event for him. I then left that place and went to work were I had a very bad night. I spent half of the night trying not to cry. A nurse said something mean and that just tipped me over the edge. She later apoligised but now I keep hearing that in my head. Shit I can't write anymore and I really want to get all of this pent up craziness out.

what a crappy week

I can't wait to get home, crawl into my bed, put the covers over my head and have this week end already. I hate May. I used to love it, I mean come on weather getting nicer and all of nature blooming, how culd I not? Now when I think May I feel a hollowness inside of me.
The 4th was the aniversery of my grandfathers death. I wasn't able to say goodbye, he was in the hospital after another heart attack and I didn't drive in to see him. No one would have thought he was going to die my mom said to come in and visit during the weekend because he would be home then.
A few weeks later I was at work and had a bad ceeling, something was wrong. I was suppose to go to a few schools to bring flyers to teachers and I called my husband from my cell. He wasn't right. He was slurring his words but sounded, well I can only describe it as pressured speech. Something was wrong and I told him I would be home in a few minutes. He sounded painicky and told me not to come home. So I went home. I found him in the bathroom. There was so much blood. He had taken an overdose of meds and washed it down with vodka. He then started to cut himself. The rest of the day is a horrible blur of a 911 call, police, ambulance, hospital, physical restraints, and signing commitment papers to have him hospitalized. It wasn't his first attempt. The rest of that month was so horrible and unfortunatly I can not get it out of my head. He was taken to a hospital 2.5 hours away. He stayed a week and then it got worse. He was arrested at the hospital for assult. While he had been in the ER he as coming in and out of it. He hit some
people who were trying to hold him down. They then put him in the restraints for over 9 hours which he slept through thanks to a high dose of medication given in a shot. He went to jail. They took him off all his meds. It was bad. Very very bad. I finally got him out. He was put on house arrest eventually. When we went to fill out paperwork for the house arrest he was taken into custody again because he had alchol on his breath from the night before. Very dumb. He went to jail and again was taken off his meds. I finally got him home and back with his therapist and into intensive therapy. He is still on probation and I can't drive by the jail still.

day off

I am ot be at work right nI worked 8 days in a row and I felt so drained. Work has been difficult and painful at times. Btw did I mention I work at a short term stay mental health facility. And then I had my husbnd having hallutionations this week which I was expecting. He has been a bit "off" for the past month and I wqs preparing myself for shit to hit the fan. On a good note I have dropped some wt this past week and I feel awesome about that. I just have to keep up with it.

116

Lots to say...update