I'm lost

I am feeling very lost in life right now.  I feel pulled in different directions and I can't seem to figure out what to do next.  
But I am lucky.   I have a great job that I like and pays the bills.  Do I wish I made more money?   Sure, but the fact that I like my job and all the random components of it means more.  
I love my husband but can't live the life I want with him.   I could live a different life but would that be enough?   Should I give up?  I don't think so.
So here is my plan. Save money for divorce costs.  This includes a lawyer and money to support him for 6 months while we process the divorce.   I don't need all the money before I start but I will need a big chunk to start the process. 
I am thinking that moving into a smaller apartment should be one step that way I can keep him in it.  It would have to be cheaper than what I rent now which will save money.
I keep saying I need to save money but the truth is I do save but then something happens to the car and sucks up all that money.   So getting the car set for a good 6 months is another priority.   The car doesn't have a lot of time left.  
Again everything is so integrated into money.   So first things first, keep saving money.  Figure out an order for shit to happen and get it done.   Expect roadblocks and deal with them as they happen.  

Holy shit

A woman killed herself last week.   She had been a patient at the hospital I work in.   I should not be especially shocked,  I mean I work in a psychiatrist hospital after all.  I was aware that someone recently discharged had overdosed and felt horrible for the family.   I mean your relative is discharged from the hospital you would think they were in a stable mind set.   But life doesn't always make sense.   Yesterday a nurse mentioned what the young lady took and how much.   It made my legs weak.  She overdosed on the medication my husband has been over taking.   It was a number I could imagine him taking.  
That cleared my thoughts up quickly.   He is definitely a danger to himself.  I must do something, I can't just sit by and watch this happen.

Plan

Okay,  after thinking about what is going on I have been trying to figure out a plan.   I could/should have brought him to the hospital a few times by now but haven't for various reasons all of which is moot at this point.   I have to do something.   So this weekend I have one day off and if he continues on this path I will get him to the hospital.   That is the easy part.   If he does need inpatient care finding a place will be bothersome.   I can take him to the hospital with a psy unit but if they are full the next option is the hospital I work at which can't happen.   There are other options and I am preparing myself for all possibilities.  
So there is.
If need be I will be taking my husband to the hospital.   No more waiting or telling myself it's all okay anymore.   It's really just one of the steps I need to do.   One step at a time.

OD

So I just woke up for work,  actually my husband woke me up, to run to the store to get him tobacco.   I came back from the store and looked around the kitchen.   I then realize that he had 40 oz of beer and about 50 Benedryl while I slept.   Benedryl pills have 25mg of diphenhydramine in them. 
I think my next day off I am going to have to bring him to the hospital,  this is getting ridiculous.   If he repeats this behavior I have to.  This could end up really bad.

Trying to figure shit out.

I am fed up with myself at this point.   I don't want to do anything.   I was getting so bad that I am back to taking caffeine pills and another medication just to function.   It's completely working;  I have energy,  I don't need to sleep 10 hours,  waking up is easy and I can function how a normal person would.   Problem is that I know I shouldn't be taking this combination.   It's completely legal, but I should wait and see if my new prescription would work.   But I couldn't stand it any longer.   I normally build up a tolerance after a month or so and stop so when I stop hopefully it will be right as my new medication kicks in. 
Seriously, I can justify anything if I try.  
But really I just couldn't stay how I was. 

Still not feeling right

It's been a long time since I have actually blogged because I have been in such a funk.  I turned 33.  I am stuck in a marriage to a man I love,  who can't live the type of life I want to live.   My depression is kicking my ass lately.   I saw the therapist that prescribes my meds and she added a new med.  I went to the appointment looking how I felt.  Like shit.  I have been with her since 2005 so she could tell I wasn't right or even near it.  We also did blood work and looks like my thyroid is not be having so I made an appointment with my regular medical doctor to review and do some follow up testing.   Odd that an under active thyroid shows some of the same symptoms as depression. 
I can't even finish this post I am lost in my head.

I am about to go to sleep.  I have prepared everything I need to have to keep my focus this week.   I must focus on my health.

Tired

I feel like I could sleep for two days right now.  I am just worn out.   It doesn't help that after work I was only able to sleep for four hours.  I am working tonight as overtime as a technician instead of admissions which theoretically should be easy and relaxing.   But that is only in theory.  For all I know all hell could break loose.  
Life continues to be crazy.   It's actually not been too horrible which makes planning to leave him harder.   He is trying but it is still not something I can continue with.  He can't stay on top of doing laundry,  dishes, and taking care of the animals but thinks having a baby is a great idea.  Umm, NO.  The thing is I know I want children.   I don't have to be a bio mom or anything, that has never been an issue with me.   I just want a child.   I can't do that with him. 
My goal for next week is to find a lawyer.   I have to figure out a time line for everything to happen.  I am going to have to figure out where I will live while all of this is happening.   The tentative plan is to have us move into a smaller apartment and then serve him the papers.  It should then take a minimum of six months for it to be finalized.  During that time we can't live together but I have to support him.  That is what I found out when I had a conversation with a lawyer through the Womens resource center.   Awesome.   So I have to hire myself a lawyer and support him for 6 months.   I might end up staying in my parents house but they don't have a spare bedroom and are allergic to my dog.  So i need to figure that out too.

For Ruby

As I read one of your posts this popped in my head.

June 2014

Kitty inspired me to actually set some goals for the month and I am very glad.   I don't want to drift through my life. I realized a few days ago how set in my ways I get.  I wrote this to a friend.

Last year at this time the job I have now was created.   A few people asked if I was going to apply.  I said no because of fear.  The person they hired lasted a few months before being demoted.   I applied, got it and love it.  I said no for no good reason.

I was explaining that I don't want "no" to be my default answer any more.   So between that revelation and the fact that I have setup appointments to figure out what to do about my marriage it is time to get my shit together.
I have another meeting at the Womens resource center to consult with a lawyer about what I will have to do.   I know I will need a decent amount of money to set up a real exit plan.   Knowing how much will be helpful.  I cashed in some of my vacation time and I should be getting that check at the end of this week.   That is my divorce fund.  God that is such a depressing concept.  
So my goal for this month is to figure out how I need to proceed with the divorce.   My plan is to set up the divorce Katie Holmes style.   Have everything ready to go and spring it on him.  It is the safest way to do it even though I feel like it is the meanest thing I could think of doing to him.   I am scared of how he will react.  I can think of a few ways he could respond and none of them are good.   There is no nice way to do this.  
My other goal is to socialize more.  I want to actually hang out with people and have real interactions.   My goal is to do something each week.   This week was an adoption event for the rescue and I am going to do a "class" for my nieces girl scout like group on fruit.  Next week I have a dinner with some people from work and I am going to do a self defense class with some women from the rescue and I invited some ladies from work too.  Just typing that made me happy.  

Feeling reality

Fuck I didn't save my post as I wrote it and now it's gone.  Maybe that is the universe making me really examine my feelings and reality which I have been trying to avoid.
I had written about my super power.   See I can just exist and not feel my feelings or face the blatant truth.   It allows me to continue with "life" but I am not actually living.   I pretend everything is fine and go to work,  make small talk,  and no one knows what is really going on.
Not a coping skill I recommend but I am aware when I am doing it, like when I don't post here for awhile because I don't want to acknowledge how I am feeling.   A blank page is my way of trying not to feel.   It doesn't work but then again crappy coping mechanisms rarely do.  I was honest in therapy this week and told my counselor that I purged.  It was more than once and it didn't help at all.   Well that's not true it showed me how sick I am making myself.   My situation sucks but I can change it. I don't need to pretend everything is fine.  It's not.  It sucks.
It sucks that my therapist, my counselor and you ladies are the only people who know what is going on.
It sucks taking a giant step backwards.
It sucks that my old coping skill didn't help.  (Did it ever? )
It sucks that I know what I have to end my marriage.
It just sucks.
I am meeting with a lawyer this week.   I had an appointment last week but she got tied up in court so we rescheduled.   She works with the local domestic violence group and I hope she can tell me what I need to do.   I have no idea how to get a divorce let alone divorce someone who I have been taking care of for about 10 years.   Even though he hurts me and I know I can't continue to live like this, I don't want to hurt him.  I still love him that hasn't changed.   But I know what we have is not good for either of us.  He needs to get help that he hasn't had to get because I take care of and clean up his messes.  Me purging made me realize that I can't continue to drag my feet any longer. I must keep going and finish this.   I don't know what I am doing but hopefully I find the right people to help me.

I'm a mess

I feel like such a wreck.   Living two different lives is getting old.  I need to take action.  I did something today that is upsetting me.  Trigger warning.

!!!! WARNING!!!!!!

I threw up.   I haven't done that in so fucking long.   It started as an accident but I didn't stop myself.   I woke up early for work and made myself something to eat.   After eating I went to the bathroom to style my hair and brush my teeth.   I wasn't feeling great and started to cough.  I SHOULD HAVE left the bathroom and done some deep breathing but I didn't.   It was gross.  I thought about doing it earlier this week also but I stopped myself that time.   I think this was a wake up call to myself.   I am not happy and I need to make the uncomfortable changes in my life.   I refuse to go backwards in my life.

Pills pills pills

32 sleeping pills in 30 hours.
98 vicodin 10/325mg in 9 days.

It has been exactly 1 month since he last hit me, what has actually changed?   Nothing.  

No excuse

Well nothing has changed.   All the promises my husband made have continued to be broken,  and I can't say I am surprised.   For example,  I told him I don't like that he takes enough medication to pass out for hours at a time.  Has he stopped doing that?   No.  It's obnoxious that I am not surprised.   If it hasn't changed in almost 8 years why would it now?  He doesn't even see it.  He keeps saying aren't things better?   I think he is trying but I don't think he can do what he promises to do.  I don't think it's fair to him that I get mad at him for being himself.   I am just not willing to live like this anymore.   I need to get myself together and actually start the process of divorce.   My original plan was to plan my divorce like Katie Holmes.   Have everything ready to go with no warning.   It seems mean to me but it's the safest option.   Not only for me but for him too.  If he trys to overdose I will be able to get him hospitalized and get him the help he needs.  I fully expect that to happen,  which honestly sucks.   I know I am not responsible for his actions or reactions and I can't control how he handles things.   I also realize he has major borderline personality traits and would try to guilt me back.  I guess knowing how things might unfold has kept me in limbo.   I can't stay here.  I see my counselor this week I had promised myself that I would have things in action by then.   So I need to make calls today after work and get my shit together.

Okay totally weird, I am sitting in my office and a coworker came to talk to me to tell me he was taking a job with a different company which sounds great for him and I got the odd feeling he was about to ask me out.  So I started to play with my wedding ring since if he was hitting on me he would realize I am married.   Ironic that I am planning on divorce at this very moment.   But there was really no reason why he would come and find me to tell me this.  I mean I worked with him twice I think and he seems like he has his shit together and I was nice to him but it was just super weird,  that's the only way I can describe it.

Sick of myself

I want to do something yet I keep dragging my feet.   I know what I HAVE to do.   Knowing myself I told three people the important stuff of why I need to do this so that I can't back down.   My two therapists/counselors and a male friend who happens to be a counselor.  Telling them made it real and that sucks because I can't pretend everything is okay anymore.  
Yesterday I slept for a total of 18 hours as a way to escape.   I woke up to the same problems.

Venus

It happened again

So I had told myself that I needed to set a limit with my husband and what I would not be able to tolerate.   I gave him my list and told him I would not continue to live like this.   Little short lived changes but nothing really happened.   Saturday he hit me.  I am done.  I have given him so many chances and tried everything I could help him but nothing has changed.   We have been married 7 years. 
Logistically I have decided that I am going to sell my diamond engagement ring and some of the other jewelry he has bought me over the years and give the money to him so he can move somewhere.   I don't think he can live alone so I don't know what I can do regarding where he can live but that is the shit I am going to figure out this week.   I haven't said it out loud yet.  And the only people who know I was trying to figure this out are my therapist, my counselor and a friend.   No one has any idea what the past 7 years have been like and how bad it really gets.  But I am done.  I have tried everything I could but I can't continue like this.

I am the woman I am today because of the girl I use to be.

Honesty

Yesterday I went to my therapy session and I was honest.   Sounds simple enough but it isn't for me.  I normally downplay what is going wrong with regards to my husband's illness and limitations.   But I have to start facing reality,  I don't feel like I am in a marriage.   I haven't in a long time now, I am his best friend and caretaker,  but that's it.  We don't act married.   He doesn't act like a husband and I don't act like a wife.   I love him.  But he is incapable of being a husband and partner.   I am aware that I have been trying to get him to be the man I want but he hasn't been able to be that person.   That leaves me mad and frustrated with him and that isn't fair to him.  Especially since I don't think he can be the partner I long for.   For example:  I went to work for my midnight shift at the hospital and then went to my appointment.   When I came home the kitchen floor was a gross mess.  One of the dogs had gone pee pee and the a big pile of cat litter was outside the box and needed to be changed.   I told him for 2 days that we needed to change the cat box by Wednesday night for our garbage pick up.   So I went home and sweeped the floor and then mopped up the mess.  I asked him if he could change the cat box at some point and at first he said No.  I fully expected that answer and went to start cleaning as I walked by him I yawned which actually got his attention.   He said that he would clean up but he couldn't do it just yet.   When I woke up for work I was surprised that it was actually done.  He was asleep on the sofa so I took the two bags of garbage out to the curb and took care of the dogs before I left for work.  And that doesn't sound like much but it is a build up.   He won't take care of the house, clean up after the dogs,  go grocery shopping, make or go to doctor appointments by himself, return phone calls regarding his insurance, and most other responsibilities.   I am 32 years old and I want to Live life.   I plan my whole life around him and his limitations.  I don't have a social life, he isolates from everyone most of the time.  Except during a manic episode, then he is Mr. Social.   He gets these ideas of things to do that have no place in reality. 
      Let's move to California so I can be a wrestler there, I want to get a passport and travel to Japan and work there, I want to take out a business loan and make my own company. 
It is great to dream big, it really is,  but you need to understand that there is a lot of work and repercussions to actually get something going.  
I told my therapist that if I told him I was leaving him I know he would attempt suicide.   She asked if he had ever attempted in the past and again I was honest and said yes.  I told her I signed involuntary commitment papers in 2008 and that on 1/3/13 he sent me a picture while I was at work showing how he had cut himself all around his neck.   I saved the picture because it is on of the things that really made me realize that he was not getting better and that I can't do this.
I don't know what I am going to do but I can't continue to live like this.

That odd feeling

Since I was in training for my new job I haven't had a chance to post anything but tonight was my first night on the job.  So far so good.  Life continues to be bizarre in my normal way.  We celebrated my husband's birthday by going out to eat and his gift is the dog we are fostering we are going to keep.   Our plan is to train this dog to be his best companion.   Always around and able to help calm him down.  
But that is all the normal stuff, in not normal news is the fact that I have been texting my ex boyfriend.  A lot.   He is right now the fantasy in my head with happiness and no drama.   I fully realize that in my head of course it seems awesome but that real life would be drastically different.   But still, when I talk to him it feels so wonderful.   We have stayed up to date with each other throughout the years and I hate how I feel.   But to feel this way again has been so weird.   Talking to him and even thinking about him makes me smile.
It's not even that I want to run away and start a new life.  It's that he is a man.  To me a grown man who can take care of himself and has realistic goals is so refreshing.  
I have been trying so hard the past few weeks to make things better with my husband and I am getting no where.   He lacks any insight into reality.   He complains he is in so much pain but then says he still wants to do the physical stuff that hurt him in the first place.  He wants to get a job but he said he knows some days he wouldn't be able to manage leaving the house.   Oh and he still wants a baby.   Are you kidding me?!  I don't know what I can do. 
I see my counselors next week.   I know what I want to do.   I don't know how I would go about doing it and how I would be able to make sure he continued treatment.   I don't know how anything would go.  My big fear is that he will try to kill himself if I tell him we are over.  I know he would.   He hasn't been stable for so long and I don't know where he could even live.  All I know is right now I am not happy.

Inspiration

I am a horrible person

Well think I have reached my limit regarding my husband's lifestyle.   I have been trying to figure out what my next step will be because I am scared of what he will do if I tell him I can't live like this anymore.  I have decided to really give our relationship as much attention and work as possible for the next month.   If I don't feel like anything but my effort has changed I will at least know I tried everything I could.  I don't like that it has come to this but I don't see any other reasonable solution.   I mean I could just resign myself to just excepting my life as it is but that is not fair to me or him.  So instead I will do everything I can to make it better and try to have hope in the future.   I am determined to not continue to be in a unhappy relationship.  

Annoyed

Well first for the happy news- I got the new job with a nice increase in salary!   I started to get worried I wouldn't get it because my manager had been acting weird with me but maybe it was all in my head.  I won't be starting for right away maybe 2 or 3 weeks which sucks but oh well.  
On to the big problem.   My husband.   He is not doing great right now and it is getting to the point that I can't lie to myself anymore.  I have been thinking continually about what to do and I have yet to find an answer.   I can't continue to live this way but I don't know how I could just leave him.  I need to do something.   I am not happy.   Yesterday when I left work I needed to go grocery shopping and stop at my parents house to print out some insurance forms before coming home.   But he said he wanted to come with me so I picked  him up first.   I knew it was a mistake,  he had been texting me randomly throughout the night not making sense but I figured he wouldn't have wanted to leave the house if he was really out of it.  I was wrong.   He got in the car and I had to change my plans.   He was slurring his speech,  mixing up his words, and had such a disorganized speach pattern.   I couldn't go to my parents house with him like that so we just went to the store.   I really really tried to stay calm but I didn't do a great job at that.   I asked him to go down one row by himself to pick out his cereal while I got ground meat.  I could see him and he could see me so I didn't think it would be a problem.   Again I was wrong.   As I was getting the meat he came back to me saying he knew I was uncomfortable because a strange guy had been talking to me.  That had not happened.  So I asked him to go get the cereal.   I grabbed the meat I wanted and followed him.  He was so lost in his own head.  He was wandering around picking up and dropping boxes and putting them back in the wrong spot.  We got the cereal finally and finished shopping when he then said he wanted flavor packets to put in his water and that he would quickly go get them.   He asked that I stay next to the bananas so he could find me.  OK, I knew this was a bad idea but I was out of energy to fight.   He took forever and came back with nothing.   At this point I just wanted to get home and go to bed.  On the drive home he was talking nonstop and unrealistically.   The unrealistic thoughts and plans have been driving me crazy lately because he truly believes that this shit is possible and a good idea.  I have hit the point that I can't pretend to myself anymore. Oh and after work today I get to go see my psych PA who prescribes my medicine.   I need to be honest with her and tell her how unhappy I have been.   I will not continue to be unhappy.

New year

2014 has been going well so far...
I felt so gross in so many ways the last time I wrote that I thought I needed to make a big change.   So instead of working on my big issues I decided to first start with something easy.   Food.  Always a great distraction from my other issues.   So I planned on cleaning up my food choices because I have been eating crappy for months and it has taken a toll on my body.   I gained weight, I was feeling very tired and low, and my skin was suffering too.  Acne and a random rash on my stomach that kept flaring up.  The plan was to eat fruit, vegetables, nuts and seeds only for 3 days in unlimited quantities.   Then one day of no rules just moderation.   Then 3 days of fruit, vegetables, nuts and seeds with a normal meal after work if I wanted. It was not hard at all I really felt like my body was getting cleaner.  I wasn't hungry, my face cleared up and the rash is almost gone. So I think it was a success.   Now I must do the hard part,  eat in a manner that provides me all the nutrients I need, keeps me satisfied and healthy.  No extremes - like I said the hard work really starts. 
I also plan on eating real meals with my husband a few nights a week.   Since I work night shift I plan on waking up at 7pm to have a nice night with him.  I normally don't like to eat anything heavy when I first wake up but I want to try to have a real meal with him at least 2 or 3 times a week.   Last night I made a pretty heavy meal and I keep burping!   We had whole wheat pasta with alfredo sauce and pan seared chicken breasts.  Didn't think it would repeat on me all night long!   Our next meal together will be Friday night and I have not yet decided what to make.   I have ground meat thawing so it needs to pair nicely with that and I must have the ingredients in my kitchen already.   I am not picking up any groceries until we utilize everything we can. 
I  "interviewed" for the new job in the admissions department.   It wasn't really an interview seeing as it was less than 13 minutes long.   Apparently she needs to make sure my degree in Nutrition with a minor in English will be accepted education for the job. So we will see I guess.   I am also going to redo my resume and start looking for a new job.  I do like my job but I really should look for new one that really interests me and pays more.  That way if I see something I will be prepared.
Okay this was long and rambling enough!   And yes Kitty 2014 will be a better year for us.